Michael Mukasey Is a Cock:
Attorney General nominee, judge, and a nearly Kerik-level enabler of Rudy Giuliani's insanity Michael Mukasey took four pages, single-spaced to demonstrate what a spineless, worthless cock he actually is. Mukasey was responding to Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee who wanted to know the answer to a simple "yes" or "no" question: "Is the use of waterboarding, or inducing the misperception of drowning, as an interrogation technique illegal under U.S. law, including treaty obligations?" His tortured answer ought to be taught in ethics courses on how the dick of legal obfuscation fucks to death the body of moral authority. And then sets its corpse on fire.

Under Mukasey's paradigm, waterboarding is theoretically "repugnant," but it may not be illegal by the Bush administration's interpretation of the law because he doesn't know how it's being applied. Mukasey doesn't know the "circumstances," he says, and, of course, the "circumstances" would have to be taken into consideration because, apparently, repugnant acts are legal in some "circumstances" but not in others. Hypothetical circumstances have "some limited academic appeal," Mukasey writes. So, it seems, there's circumstances when waterboarding might be okay, like maybe when you're trying to find out who outed a CIA agent.

Talking to the Senate Democrats like they're a bunch of stupid cunts, Mukasey says, "Legal opinions should treat real issues," and, see, the Bush administration has never admitted that waterboarding is used; therefore, he shouldn't have to answer. However, Mukasey does go into "a summary of the type of analysis" he would do if he was asked to review "coercive interrogation techniques" like waterboarding. Then he lays out his processes, which essentially amounts to "I would look at the laws and the treaty obligations." So, in any answer to the Democrats' question, he says that if he's approved as Attorney General, he might check into things and get back to them. In essence, he says, "I'm a cock. Lick me."

He brings his letter to a close, pissing all over the Senators, as a cock is wont to do, saying that he's not gonna give 'em an answer because, as he said, goddamnit, he doesn't know if waterboarding's being used; because if he says it's illegal, it might make interrogators sad; and because, in language straight out of the Rove playbook, "I would not want any statement of mine to provide our enemies with a window into the limits and contours of any interrogation program" because then they'd learn how to grow gills and survive the waterboarding or some such shit. Or, fuck you, Dick Durbin, et al, you just wanna make terrorists smile.

Let's bottom line this motherfucker: this specious, cretinous cock refuses to say if simulated drowning is torture because he doesn't know for sure if we're simulating drowning prisoners. Sweet circular logic. All goddamn law is theory until applied. What kind of fuckin' judge is this? Oh, that's right. The kind of judge who thinks that America's judicial system is too pussified to competently deal with terrorists, the kind of judge who wrote of our legal system, "[T]hose rules do not protect a society that must gather information about, and at least incapacitate, people who have cosmic goals that they are intent on achieving by cataclysmic means." That's some hyberbolic shit right there, Giuliani-sounding nutsiness.

Let's rewrite the question for this limp dick of a man, this wannabe toady who would be the chief law enforcement officer in the nation: Was it illegal for the Japanese to waterboard Americans in World War II? All the evidence is in there, man. Ya even got yerself some fuckin' circumstances.

Or howzabout this one: If the CIA believed your daughter had information about a terrorist organization, would you think it's legal for them to make her believe she's drowning, forcing her to gag and cough for air, in order to get that information? Even if it turned out she had no information whatsoever? Oh, wait, that's a hypothetical, an academic question, if you will, and it would require a soul to answer.

Democrats better gird their loins and smack this cock down before it hardens and gets ready to bend over Blind Justice, still sore from all those Gonzales-led fuckings.


If the Republican Party Falls in the Forest...:

What's fascinating about this photo is not just that President Bush and the Republican House members flanking him during his little hissy fit today are all white. It's that they're all white guys with the same suit and hair style. Seriously, this is some creepy cult-like shit. They had all emerged from a closed door meeting wherein, one assumes, Josh Bolten laid out the implements of anal violation if the Congressmen didn't hold the line on denying children health care and derailing any compromises on, well, fuck, anything. When a sad-eyed weeping man like John Boehner is faced with the prospect of the rough, unlubricated insertion of a ten-inch cold metal vibrator into his asshole, he will risk re-election in order to please his executive branch masters.

What's extra fascinating is that here we are, an hour or so after the aforementioned snit about Democrats in Congress, and neither CNN nor MSNBC have it featured on the front of their websites. Of course, Fox "news" has it. In other words, nobody but the toadies gave a flying ratshit about the whole thing.

And what did Bush say? Well, there was the canard that proposed spending is "skyrocketing" under the Democrats, which is opposed to the actual skyrocketing spending under the Republicans. There was this little tidbit, wherein Bush revealed what he thinks about SCHIP, a program that the president claims he supports, as long as it's limited to the just-above dirt poor: he says Democrats want "2 million people to move from private health insurance to an inefficient, lower-quality, government-run program." Is he claiming that SCHIP is such a program? So he supports such low quality and inefficiency for poor kids and their health?

On the war, standing next to the men who were responsible for funding the war for nearly four years of it, Bush actually chided Democrats for not giving the military the money for "body armor, and protection against IEDs, and mine-resistant, ambush-protected vehicles." You'd think that might have been a high priority in, say, January 2003. Or earlier. Oh, no. Says the prez without a hint of irony, "It would be irresponsible to not give our troops the resources they need to get their job done because Congress was unable to get its job done." It's a little like saying, after you've jacked off six times in a row, that it's your partner's fault that you can't get a hard on.

What was the purpose for this tantrum? To show he's relevant? Instead, he just seems more and more like a lonely tree tipping over in a forest where there's not even a squirrel to acknowledge the fall.


Things You Gotta Hope Are True: Rumsfeld Forced to Flee Paris:
Please, please GodJesusAllahBuddhaSatan whoever or no one, let it be true that when he was in France this weekend, former Secretary of Defense and bespectacled herald of doom and destruction Donald Rumsfeld had to make a break for it when a coalition of the way-more-than willing human rights groups filed a complaint with the French courts over his authorization of torture at Gitmo and elsewhere. Just the thought that, even for a moment or two, after his attendance at a breakfast in Paris sponsored by Foreign Policy magazine, Rumsfeld feared he might be jailed and told to answer for his crimes is enough to sustain this blogger for a while. It's orgasm-inducing, isn't it? The notion that Rumsfeld was sweating, wondering if at any moment French officials might actually have les couilles to do it?

Please, and the Rude Pundit's willing to sacrifice a lamb or some other delicious animal to mad ancient deities to make it so, let it be true that "US embassy officials whisked Rumsfeld away yesterday" and that "the defense secretary fled over the open border to Germany, where a war crimes case against Rumsfeld was dismissed by a federal court." Again, again, just for a second or two, not nearly enough to compensate for all the depravity done under his nodding watch, maybe Donald Rumsfeld was grateful that France doesn't have the death penalty.

According to Harper's magazine, at that breakfast, Rumsfeld compared the United States' role in bringing "democracy" to Iraq to a parent teaching a child to ride a bike: "You have to hold up the youngster with four fingers when he’s learning to peddle. Then you use three fingers as he gets steadier, and so on and so forth. Today the U.S. is holding up the Iraqi bicyclist with two fingers but is afraid to fully let go for fear the bike might tip over." First off, any kids taught how to ride a bike by Donald Rumsfeld have gotta be horribly scarred by the fact that the fucker only held on by four fingers while they were learning to goddamn peddle. Second off, how fuckin' patriarchal white man's burden can one get? Are Iraqis the wogs?

But mostly, if the report of the talk is true (since the Harper's reporter is talking to a source who was at the talk), it's that Rumsfeld is still as insane as he ever was. The Iraq war is a delightful lesson on how to ride without training wheels? Howzabout this for a metaphor on progress towards democracy that retains the colonialist je ne sais quoi of Rumsfeld's: Iraq is like a little girl tucked tight in her bed and hoping and crying that Uncle Sam will stop his nightly visits to fuck her with two, then three, then four fingers while he jacks off while singing, "God Bless America." The thing is, even if Uncle Sam moves away, she's gonna deal for years and years with the PTSD memory of being forced to suck his old dick over and over again, how even when she bit in anger, he slapped her back into her Dora the Explorer sheets. No one likes it when Uncle Sam comes into their bedroom.

At some point, someone's gotta pay for all this. Rumsfeld's a good start, even if it is just a hope and a prayer.


Did Rudy Giuliani Have Mafia Suspects Tortured?:
Rudy Giuliani, in answer to a question about torture and Attorney General nominee and Giuliani butt buddy Michael Mukasey at an Iowa townhall meeting, took a mulligan on waterboarding (more on that in a moment) and said this about what techniques he believed in: "America should engage in aggressive questioning of Islamic terrorists who are arrested or who are apprehended...we can’t abandon aggressive questioning of people who are intent on coming here to kill us. Or killing us overseas. I think that that’s the point that the attorney general designate was trying to make." He refused to condemn anything the Bush administration does in this regard, and he pointedly said he wanted to maintain the President's power to break the law (which has gotta be the greatest superpower ever).

Then, attacking Democrats, he said this: "That comes from people who have never investigated a real criminal case, never investigated organized crime. You know how I put hundreds of Mafia people in jail? And I helped to put thousands in Italy in jail? You know how I did it? I did it by electronic surveillance and aggressive questioning...They got ‘em because we arrested them, we got very significant charges on them, and we questioned them for long, long periods of time. With very aggressive techniques." Yeah, he denied that the suspects were tortured, but what definition of tortured is he operating under?

Now, follow the bouncing ball of logic in the rest of Giuliani's words. He mocked the idea that sleep deprivation counted as torture, that it's a fantasy of the liberal media: "[T]hey talk about sleep deprivation. I mean, on that theory, I’m getting tortured running for president of the United States. That’s plain silly." The Rude Pundit's not on the bus with Giuliani, but he's pretty sure that things aren't going this way for the candidate: "[T]o keep her from sleeping, one of her captors entered her room every 10 minutes and poured water over her head." That's how a torture victim was treated by Honduran interrogators, trained by the CIA, in the 1980s. Plain silly, in Rudy's world, like a pillow fight or a dancing bear.

As for waterboarding, Giuliani doesn't necessarily believe what the "liberal media" says about the technique. In one of the most weaselly things said by this man, who is half human, half weasel, at best, he declared, "It depends on how it’s done. It depends on the circumstances. It depends on who does it. I think the way it’s been defined in the media, it shouldn’t be done. The way in which they have described it, particularly in the liberal media. So I would say, if that’s the description of it, then I can agree, that it shouldn’t be done. But I have to see what the real description of it is. Because I’ve learned something being in public life as long as I have. And I hate to shock anybody with this, but the newspapers don’t always describe it accurately."

You got that? If it really is what it is, then it's bad, but if the United States has created a kinder, gentler version of waterboarding, then it's all good. Maybe we're just gently washing the faces of detainees. Giuliani was defending Mukasey not answering the Senate Democrats' questions on whether or not waterboarding is torture by refusing to say if it's torture. John McCain, with the last shards of whatever moral authority he still has, responded to Giuliani with a right proper bitch slap.

Here, by the way, is how the not-liberal Washington Times describes waterboarding: "Waterboarding consists of immobilizing a person on an inclined board and pouring water over his or her face to simulate drowning. With a cloth over their nose and mouth and cellophane wrapped across their face, the water elicits a gag reflex and can make the person think his death is imminent while not causing physical evidence of torture." That definition, by the way, is not attributed to any source, which means it's the accepted way the newspaper views waterboarding.

So, since sleep deprivation and at least some form of simulated drowning fall under "aggressive questioning," and are not toture, the question remains: How aggressively did Giuliani have mob suspects interrogated? What was allowed under his watch? What was too far?

Giuliani and other non-McCain Republicans are trying to have it all: acting like big, tough men without being willing to say what they mean by "aggressive questioning" or "enhanced interrogation." They want you to just eat your hot dogs, quiescent motherfuckers that Americans can be, and not think about all the pig anuses, rat turds, and poisonous preservatives that go into that casing.

(By the way, for real Halloween season fun, watch the video of Giuliani giving his response. His hands curled, his sneer-smile on full display, he's working that creepy Count Orlock vibe like nobody can. You want to scream, "Look out behind you" at the gathered Iowans. But then they applaud him, and you figure they deserve to have Rudy plunge his gnarled teeth into their necks and suck them dry.)


Democrats in Congress: The Cowards of the Country:
Back years ago, the Rude Pundit remembers fucking hating the Kenny Rogers song "Coward of the County." You remember that one? It's about this punk-ass bitch-boy named Tommy who's so scarred by his father dying in prison for being a bad man that he refuses to fight for any reason, leading "everyone" to call him the title. In fact, his father's dying words were the bullshit last gasps of an asshole: "Now it don't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek" and "You don't have to fight if you're a man." This makes Tommy avoid all confrontations, "twenty years of crawlin'," his narrating uncle tells us. But he still finds a woman who doesn't mind that he's a little bitch, and he marries Becky. And what makes Tommy finally fight? When Becky is gang-raped by the three Gatlin boys. Then he walks into a bar and guns them down, with the song ending in Tommy explaining his actions to his dead criminal father, hoping the ghost of his dad doesn't think he was weak. We were supposed to sympathize with Tommy for picking his battles.

So, in other words, because this worm of a man was too much of a pussy to have confrontations, poor Becky was savagely assaulted. Cause and effect, ya know? If the Gatlin boys thought that Tommy might blow their heads off, they wouldn't have touched Becky. And when the smoke clears, yeah, Tommy may have finally done something, but Becky's gotta live with the trauma and pain done to her, thanks to her pathetic husband. What's the triumph here? That Becky might not get gang raped again? Damn, the victory line's pretty goddamn low.

The Rude Pundit thinks about that song whenever he hears about every capitulation by the Democrats in Congress. Every day, it seems, we get news of another crawl through the dirt as the Democrats make themselves prostrate to the whims of the Republicans. If this is what being a majority means, then, fuck, why fuckin' bother?

Let's see what we've gotten in the couple of days:
- Nancy Pelosi forced California Rep. Pete Stark to apologize for giving voice to some modicum of frustration with the state of the war. Goddamn, at least "for the President's amusement" is a reason that makes some bit of sense as to why we aren't talking about the troops coming home. 'Cause, at this point, ain't this really the war of a paranoid whim? But if someone in the Congress says that, then the Republicans go as apeshit as a gorilla in heat trapped in a cage and those fuckin' bananas ain't gonna tickle a gorilla clit when it needs monkey love. So if the Republicans squawk, Pelosi jumps 'cause it might be distracting from debating whether or not MoveOn sucks.

- The Senate voted to confirm Leslie Southwick as a federal appeals court judge. A racist, homophobic judge in Mississippi is soooo 1959, but Harry Reid couldn't even put together a 41-vote filibuster to stop the nomination. Republicans can filibuster every fuckin' bill they want, but if Democrats dare to think about blocking a vote on a judge, that's a fuckin' abrogation of constitutional duties. This is a guy who thinks homosexuality is a choice and therefore because a mother exerted "her perceived right" to be in a lesbian relationship, she shouldn't have custody of her child. Bully for progress. With an extra "Fuck you" to Dianne Feinstein for even letting the nomination get out of committee.

Funding for the war, secret wiretaps, retroactive immunity for telecoms for privacy violations, the coming confirmation of Michael "If the President Thinks He Needs to Kill a Child to Appease the War Gods, the Constitution Can't Stop Him" Mukasey as our next worthless Attorney General - what's gonna be the rape of Becky, where the cowards finally take a stand against a neanderthal Republican party and its hated President? Of course, the problem is that Becky will have been raped to begin with. Will she ever recover?

Maybe Nancy Pelosi will follow through with the planned new vote on SCHIP today while several anti-SCHIPpers are in California for a fire photo op with the President. That'd be hardball politics, the kind that says, "Don't fuck with me."

(Oh, and the Rude Pundit knows he's given Democrats in the Senate a pass because of the Lieberman factor, but at some point, that ain't enough of a reason to keep backing down and backing down.)


San Diego Fire Evacuees vs. Katrina Evacuees: Who Ya Got?:
One of the mightier acts of bullshit sophistry that's already started (and will continue) is the comparison of how "well-behaved" are the people who have evacuated to San Diego's Qualcomm Stadium from the fires engulfing the nearby areas and how utterly degraded and savage were the people who made their way to the Superdome and Convention Center in New Orleans before, during, and in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

A conservatistas over at Hot Air has already said as much (even allowing for the orders of magnitude larger the Katrina devastation was). Surely other crazoid blogs will pile on. And certainly what Glenn "If You Hire a Cretinous Retard, Expect Him To Say Cretinous, Retarded Things" Beck spewed about America haters getting their houses burned down will be less offensive than what's coming. Yeah, it's all race and class-based, and it's also pathetically narrow and simple-minded.

So let's dispose of this quickly through the magic of photos.

Here's what's going on outside the Qualcomm Stadium:

Here's where you can check your e-mail.

And, hey, here's some flag-twirling stilt walkers in thongs.

Now let's check out what was going in New Orleans:

That's a dead guy left to rot in a lawn chair outside the Convention Center. Wonder if he's wearing a thong.

If you look closely, you can see the Superdome, with the holes in the roof, surrounded by a water-covered city, only accessible by boat or aircraft. If the people were lucky. It's sort of like being able to deliver food, water, medicine, diapers, beds, and more by the truckload to people who are being entertained by live bands and massage therapists who can drive to the stadium in their cars. Except for the fact that it's not.

Yes, what's happening to people in California is hideous, awful, and other adjectives, and it's great that the evacuees there are being treated like human beings. But other than the desperate president trying desperately to not look like a desperate boob and trying to make sure everyone sees he's in charge and that he's "learned lessons" since Katrina, there is no reason to compare. Indeed, comparing the two masses of people at the evacuation sites is not unlike comparing apples and drowned people.


Hey, Kids, Let's Hang Out in the Quad to Show We Hate Islamo-Fascists:
Bleeding Christ on a cross, the Rude Pundit almost completely missed Islamo-Fascist Awareness Week. It's the latest David Horowitz-sponsored jizz spray across the bow of those ignorant lefties who have taken over our acacacacademies of higher learnification. In case you didn't notice it, you're missing out: "During the week of October 22-26, 2007, the nation will be rocked by the biggest conservative campus protest ever – Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week, a wake-up call for Americans on 200 university and college campuses." Do you feel the rocking? Like an earthquake, this is. (Use an old Jewish man's intonation on that last line, not Yoda's.)

As awesome as it is to predict your event that's calculated to get speakers' fees to you and your friends is gonna be a wake-up call to America (umm, we're in a war - how much more do we need to wake-up), Horowitz and his proud anti-Islamo-Fascist Oompa-Loompas give us a how-to manual: "A Student's Guide to Hosting Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week." It contains such nuggets of organizational wisdom like, in so many words, "Hire Rick Santorum to speak at your school. No, really. Rick Santorum. Don't you like Rick Santorum? Doesn't Rick Santorum inspire you? Oh, then there's other buddies of ours you can pay to lead this week we've created out of the blue."

In addition to the ever-effective petition on your campus, the Guide advises students to have sit-ins. Yep, Horowitz may have abandoned the left, but he's gonna use their methods: "To protest the silence of Women’s Studies programs and Women’s Centers in our universities while women are suffering brutal and inhumane treatment in the Islamic world, we recommend holding a 'sit-in' at the offices of your campus Women’s Studies Department or Women’s Center." Now, the Rude Pundit seems to remember in the years leading up to 9/11, women's centers and feminist professors regularly agitating on the part of women living under Sharia law, especially under the Taliban. He remembers protesting that treatment himself. But until the big 9/11, such concerns were seen as childish and petty in the world of realpolitick.

Never fear, though, because these are gonna be the pussiest protests the world has seen because, as with so many things, conservatives are chickenshit bullshit artists who kowtow to authority every craven chance they get: "Please note," the Guide advises, "Sit-ins should not obstruct university operations or violate university rules. We encourage you to station yourselves in a public area (directly outside the office of the Women’s Studies Department or the campus Women’s Center for example) and to set a start and end time for the protest." Ummm, if you're not blocking anything or shutting anything down with your sit-in, ain't that just called, "Hanging out"? Goddamn, that's showing how much you hate you some Islamo-Fascists.

Trust Horowitz and his Horowhores. This is gonna shake some shit up.

(The Rude Pundit would hat-tip some other blogs, but there's too many to mention, so let's just say, oh, hell, Talking Points Memo.)


The Republican Debate: Who's the Biggest Manwhore?:
As with any profession, if a group of manwhores gets together, they're gonna start talking about who has done or who would do the most extreme, nasty shit. It's a kind of competition, a game of one-upsmanship. Manwhore #1 might say that he's willing to be fucked without a condom. Stupid, reckless, but pretty low-key as far as this kind of stuff goes. Manwhore #2 might say that he's already been fucked in the ass by a train behind a bar. Manwhore #3 says that's nothing. He's been fucked by the cock train side-by-side with another manwhore who then had to lick each other's assholes clean. Manwhore #4 would throw in with the various items that have been shoved up his ass by men who masturbate with one hand while fisting him with the other. Everyone in the group would cringe at the thought of the frozen cookie dough roll. Ahh, but it's Manwhore #5 who'll bring it home, offering that he'd be the cross-dressed date to a closeted frat guy at the DKE house party where he'll be beaten and raped repeatedly by the frat brothers as they demonstrate how not gay they are by making him suck them off and then punching him in the face for doing it. Now that's a hardcore manwhore, but surely the conversation will go on, each trying to top the other. At some point, small animals will be involved. A bit later, livestock.

Everything you need to know about the Republicans candidates for president is contained in this simple fact from last night's Fox "news" debate: they spent more time on gay marriage than on the war in Iraq.

Coming on the heels of the serial rim jobs given by the Republicans to Tony Perkins and the Family Research Council at their Value Voters Summit (motto: "Come for the proselytizing and sanctimony, stay for the non-kosher buffet"), the debate was dominated by a simple question asked of simple men: "Which of you hates more people?" Or, as the Fox "news" correspondents asking the questions put it, "Who's more conservative?"

A good chunk of the debate consisted of one candidate after another declaring they hate illegal immigrants more, they loves 'em some fetuses more, they hate gays more than the others. And when it came to the gays, oh, snap, how they went after each other like old drag queens at a Liza Minnelli yard sale. Romney made the stunning admission that he read the Constitution of the state he was governor of and found it lacking in pro-gay marriage statements: "My state's constitution was written by John Adams. It isn't there. I've looked." Adams's penchant for wigs and frills is beside the point.

Giuliani, whose experience consists of being a U.S. Attorney, a mayor, and a master exploiter of the fears and pain of others for enormous profit, took every opportunity to say he had more experience with shit than the others. On gay marriage, he twisted it this way: "I did 210 weddings when I was mayor of New York City. So I have experience doing this. They were all men and women...I hope." And much laughter ensued with the crowd of craven, frothing conservatives. The logical follow-up would have been to ask if Giuliani would have performed any ceremonies for gay couples if gay marriage had been legal in New York when he was mayor. But maybe the answer to that is too obvious.

About halfway through the debate, the fine Fox-ers got around to asking the candidates what they might actually do as President. On health care, the answers boiled down to: "Give insurance companies everything they want." On education: "Give private schools everything they want." On taxes: "Give rich people everything they want." On foreign policy: "Give the neocons everything they want."

And then, led by the fair and balanced Fox-y men, they got their chance to attack Hillary Clinton, in her role as presumptive nominee, directly. Romney went all robot-attack mode on her experience: "She hasn't run a corner store. She hasn't run a state. She hasn't run a city. She has never run anything. And the idea that she could learn to be president, you know, as an internship just doesn't make any sense."

But Mike Huckabee made sure the audience knew he was the craziest playa-hater in the room: "If she's president, taxes go up, health care becomes the domain of the government, spending goes out of control, our military loses its morale, and I'm not sure we'll have the courage and the will and the resolve to fight the greatest threat this country's ever faced in Islamofascism."

And it never struck anyone as odd that under a Republican presidency now, spending is out of control, the military is losing its morale, and we're not really fighting "Islamofascism" (which is really good on toast). That's with a guy who allegedly ran businesses and a state. Yet, indeed, because there's no fucker like a motherfucker, Giuliani used the opportunity and the Florida venue to attack another Democrat: "If those polls are correct, we’d have Al Gore here to – I don’t know, it might be a little colder, I’m not sure. But I’m not sure we’d be any better off. Right, we’d be in a lot worse shape with Al Gore. Thank, thank you Florida." Somewhere, a soldier who's lost his legs is yelling, "Word, Rudy," as he sits in his own filth in a hospital bed.

Who was the bugfuck nutsiest manwhore on the stage? Probably, all things being relative, Ron Paul, who was booed for saying, "We don't need to assume that the world is going to blow up." Yeah, there's lots of reasons to dislike the guy, but he was the one willing to get his face bloodied while he did his job.


Conservative Nitwit Mike Gallagher Shows What Happens When Douchebags Attack:
There's various combinations that a woman can use to douche, even though women shouldn't, although many are paranoid about their vaginas, easily manipulated by corporate douchemakers, and/or subjected to it by partners who meet the first two criteria and are, in fact, douchebags themselves. Vicious circle, innit? Let us elucidate:

Columnist and radio host (goddamn, is there a conservative who is just a fuckin' columnist?) Mike Gallagher is your douchebag filled with a basic vinegar and water cocktail. He writes as if he's found the holy goddamn grail of in-yer-face-liberals factoid. Seems that there's National Guard troops patrolling the streets of New Orleans, and this surprises the fuck out of Gallagher, who actually says, "Frankly, I had no idea that the National Guard has been functioning as an auxiliary police department in New Orleans for the past two years, did you?" Well, yes and no, since it's only been June 2006, but give or take eight months, sure. And, yes, it's true, as Gallagher says, the Police Superintendent wants the 300 Guard members to stay on past the January 2008 end of their deployment.

Then Gallagher points out that the crime rate in New Orleans was so very high even before Katrina took out large swaths of the city, which is true, and Gallagher crows like a cock that...well, no, just like a cock: "It's an extension of the bald-faced lie that the Bush Administration purposefully ignored the plight of the city after the floodwaters hit." To Gallagher, this means all of us squishy liberals oughta shut the fuck up about the federal government's abandonment of New Orleans.

Gallagher points out that New Orleans had 265 murders in 2004, which sucks, to be sure. He even points out the irrelevant fact that the city had 421 murders in 1994. And, jumping up and down, Gallagher says, "I didn’t do very well in math, but 265 and 421 sound like a higher number of killings than last year’s 162. Or even this year’s 163." Yeah, Gallagher's got us over a barrel, eh? Less murders, National Guard on the street. Man, it's like George W. Bush is there hisself, blockin' bullets with his skinny, old body.

Gallagher's practically fellating himself when he declares, "I hate to burst the bubble of people who like to romanticize New Orleans. But the decadence, danger and filth in New Orleans were there well before Hurricane Katrina ever came ashore." Really, it's like this numbnuts, who is another worthy Fox "news" commentator, is a mentally disabled forty-year old man who just figured out how to pee standing up and thinks it's the greatest thing, so he has to share it with everyone. Put your fuckin' dick away, man, we've been pissing that way for years.

'Cause, see, reality has such a forceful way of biting our asses and chewing them to the bone. If you know any goddamn thing about New Orleans, you know the way this goes: Pre-Katrina, the population was 455,000. Now? 273,000. That makes the murder rate a little higher already in 2007 than in 2004, although if you add in what's gonna be more murders in the next two and a half months, it'll be what we refer to as a "skyrocket." (And let's not even get into what 162 murders was to the smaller 2006 population of New Orleans.)

And, by the way, pre-Katrina number of cops? 1668. Now? 1382. Since Gallagher claims he's got shit for brains when it comes to math, that'd be close to 300 less cops. The same number of Guard troops there. Yeah, while the population of the city's smaller, the area that needs to be patrolled ain't.

As far as giving props to the Bush administration for the troops, ummm, the state pays for the Guard. Not the feds.

In other words, if part of your column is admitting that there's something you knew nothing about and that you didn't do any, say, fact-checking, you should probably just shut the fuck up about the subject, lest you look like even more of an idiot. Except, of course, that Gallagher's readers and listeners will hear of this and think they've learned some real neat-o way to face down the America-hatin' liberals.

In other words, fuck you, Mike Gallagher, you douchebag tool of the humanity-despising right.


Rude Pundit Video Without Getting iFrisked by YouTube:
You can now watch and share the Rude Pundit's video "42 Ways Not to Have Sex With Ann Coulter" on Google video without the burden of giving up your precious e-mail address.

Yeah, yeah, he knows, but he's still learning this shit.
Flyers That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Down Cough Syrup With Virgin Strawberry Daiquiris:

That's right, you crazy college kids that'll be attending the Washington Briefing '07: Value Voters Summit, sponsored by the Family Research Council and a panoply of nutzoid right-wing organizations. Not only can you listen to your mighty heroes of mighty mightiness, like adulterer Newt Gingrich and convicted felon Chuck Colson, not only can you get your head filled with speeches from presidential candidates like Rudy Giuliani on how he shares your values, despite banging his mistress while living with a gay couple, and the walking corpse of Fred Thompson (for, truly, the Republican candidates range from demigorgon creepy to "Please make him stop fondling my baby's penis" skeevy), but you can get your late-night groove on at the conference.

Check it out, homeboys and homegirls (and by that, the Rude Pundit means "home-schooled"). The paw-tay starts at 9:30 p.m. at the D.C. Hilton's Jefferson Room, where, no doubt, nubile black women will be provided for your pleasure. And, man, the shizz-nit's gonna go down hard with your host, columnist Kevin McCullough - he has a radio show - on the radio, where he makes sure his listeners know that al-Qaeda is bad, liberals are worser, and Fred Thompson is "attractive."

The entertainment's gonna be all crazy, yo, with Ben Stein, yeah, yeah, kickin' out the jams. No, no, don't ask him about being an apologist for Richard Nixon or his new movie on how creationists are sooo right - just get 'im to say, "Bueller" over and over. He fuckin' loves that shit. For the ladies (and, admit it, some of the men), there's Christian recording dreamboat Ronnie Freeman. Get all wet and sticky thinkin' you can change his heart just a little when he sings, "The only thing that's good in me is Jesus/ The only thing that's good in me is Jesus/ I know me well enough to know/ No matter what this life may show/ The only thing that's good in me is Jesus." Maybe at the end of the evening, you can say the only thing that was good in you was Freeman.

All that and FRC President Tony Perkins and his hair, along with promises that representatives from other groups and, get this, "suprise guests" will be there. Cross your fingers, boys, that it's Laura Ingraham, ready to please your jerk-off fantasies of abstinence-friendly titty-fucking her (shhh, let's not tell them).

Yep, the Late Night Reception for Students who love them some values as long as those values involve Jesus is gonna be the party of the year. Or at least of that weekend in the Jefferson Room of the DC Hilton at 9:30 at Friday night. Until 11.

We members of the FRC Super-Duper Prayer Team have even been told how to pray for the students attending the Value Voters Summit: "Pray that God will be mightily with these groups as they meet. May he raise up young leaders who, like King David, will be taken from faithfully tending sheep to lead our nation in righteousness. May God anoint faithful young leaders to win a generation for Him, and help our entire nation turn back to God." And, unlike King David, let's hope the young leaders don't have men killed after banging their wives.


Live Vodka-Blogging the President's News Conference:
Yessiree, it's time for another hastily-scheduled press conference, the kind that the Rude Pundit keeps a special bottle of Ukrainian vodka in the freezer for, iced and ready for consumption in chilled glasses. No, no, it ain't a drinkin' game to down a shot every time he mentions "9/11" or "terror," because that way lies alcohol poisoning. (All quotes guaranteed to be barely accurate.)

10:45: Ooh, he comes out swingin', barely spitting out "Good mornin'" before he blasts Congress for not passing bills, neglecting the whole "Republican filibuster" part of the thing. Bush says it's "time to put politics aside," which, of course, means his way or the highway.

10:46: Homeboy got a haircut. Makes him look even more like a flying monkey from The Wizard of Oz. And he's turning pages like he's spankin' that speech's ass, showin' those pages who's in charge.

10:48: He wants shit passed in a "fiscally-responsible way." Which is a little like a syphilitic crack whore saying she'll only suck dicks that don't have herpes sores.

10:49: He's pissy about everything this morning. Congress needs to send him a "clean bill" on Veterans' care, he says. He wants it "by Veteran's Day," so he can, one assumes, sign it at a VA hospital with limbless soldiers who are supposed to be happy about getting decent care looking on.

10:50: Is there any shit he needs to do? Or that he's doing? All he's telling us is that Congress needs to get shit done. Doesn't he have a fuckin' job?

10:51: Bush lets us know that the Armenian genocide resolution is bad and a waste of the legislative agenda. But was the MoveOn.org resolution a fine use of Congress's time?

10:52: What's gonna be the final softball question that'll let him act all tough guy leaderly? "Mr. President, do you think Patrick Leahy eats live puppies?"

10:53: He's asked why go to the Dalai Lama ceremony? C'mon, say because he likes bald people. Oh, no, it's about religious freedom and, what? "I like going to the gold medal ceremonies"? What the fuck? Do they have crock pots filled good mini-wienies and tiny meatballs in barbecue sauce there?

10:56: What did he think in 1981 about an Israeli strike on a Baghdad nuclear plant? He answers, "I was a private citizen in Midland, Texas, trying to earn a living for my family" then. And, you know, he was up to his balls in tequila and blow. It's a clever ruse, he says, that reporters are using the past to get him to make statements.

10:57: Regarding a picture of Vladimir Putin and Mahmoud Ahmadenejad getting along, Bush tells us that pictures are a sham: you don't get pics of leaders "scowling" or "angry."

11:00: He keeps getting annoyed that "You're trying to get me to" answer things. Dude, you called the fuckin' press conference. Ain't that the point? Didja just feel like acting like a dick in public? "This is not my first rodeo." No, but maybe you oughta actually touch the mustang.

11:04: Regarding victory over al-Qaeda in Iraq. "If you're the number three person in al-Qaeda, you've had some rough goes," he says, referring, of course, to hundreds of people. And "You can't win this militariliy." Ummm, then why the fuck are there 180,000 or so military troops there?

11:06: When's asked again about Putin on Iran, he looks at the reporters like they're babies puking up toy soldier pieces.

11:09: Another possible closing question, Fox "news" hottie-ready: "Nancy Pelosi says you're a liar whose pants are, in fact, on fire. Is your ass hot?"

11:10: About a peace conference on peace in the Middle East: "We're for comprehensive peace, the international meeting will be serious and substantive." Which everyone will believe aFter that big serious climate change meeting that was actually a sub-Jim Varney level farce. And, by they way, isn't it demeaning to keep referring to the Secretary of State as "Condi" and only "Condi" to the press? Not Secretary Rice. Nope, just the name that marks her as a little bitch lapdog.

11:11: Oh, hey, he's got an American flag lapel on. That's much more patriotic than being the goddamn president in the goddamn White House with a huge fuckin' American flag next to him.

11:12: My, what a shit-eating grin he's got when he says he talked about a two-state solution to the Israel/Palestine progress.

11:13: Oh, he's pushed the "ideological vision of extremists" button, the whole A-rabs don't want democracy thing.

11:14: How about this one: "Harry Reid has threatened to re-crucify Jesus if the son of God comes back. Do you think that's a bad thing?"

11:16: In a line that seems to indicate he hand jobs and fingerfucks world leaders, he says, "My leadership position has been to...actually influence people" by getting personal. And then he adds, "Nobody likes to be talked to in a way that points out flaws in a strategy." Putin told him going into Iraq was a bad idea. Well, it's good to know that post-Cold War, the Russian intelligence community was right and ours was wrong.

11:18: The American people want to know, he exclaims, "if we're passing laws that are beneficial to the American people." Like spying on them. Americans know it's good for them to be spied on. And that phone companies that "allegedly helped us" should have immunity.

11:22: "I'm concerned about PTSD," he says. Word.

11:23: "I'm surprised I haven't been asked about SCHIP," Bush says. So he's gonna ask himself. And makes sure we know that he wants only the shoeless, scabby poor kids get covered.

11:25: On former General Sanchez's comments: More or less, Bush says, "Sanchez is out of touch. Fuck him."

11:26: He's responsible for contractors, but he wants to see the "analysis" of the performance of contractors. A firm like Blackwater "protects people's lives." He appreciates their service. And if you piss those crazy drunk bastards off, they'll go all G. Gordon Liddy on you.

11:27: He's getting tired, but what a stupid fucking question: "Why did you let SCHIP get to the point of veto?"

11:28: "What's your definition of torture?" he's asked. He answers, clearly, "Whatever the law is."

11:29: Goddamn, this is boring. Bush claims he's still relevant. The reporters ask questions that make it seem like they're barely paying attention. The Rude Pundit wishes he were a fuck of a lot drunker.

11:30: He's talking about the wiretap bill and kicks out the al-Qaeda fear jams again. He's talking about SCHIP again because he needs to make sure people know he loves un-enwombed kids.

11:32: He's out. It's done.

No softball last question. Just a fine masturbatory exercise, the kind of mean, angry jacking off when you act like you're fuckin' whoever's in your head hard.


Right-Wingers Use Holocaust Hero To Bash Gore:
The Rude Pundit's sure that Poland's Irena Sendler, the 97-year old woman who, in her youth, risked her life as part of an underground railroad in her home country that rescued 2500 Jewish children from being sent to Nazi death camps, even being tortured and forced into hiding herself in the process, is an inspirational presence and lovely person. Without a doubt, she is a hero, one who was little-known outside Poland until some Kansas school kids did research about her in 1999. And she was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize this year, a touching gesture to honor someone who did something huge 65 years ago.

And the rabid dog right-wing is holding her up as the poor little old lady who lost because big, bad Al Gore dared to make a Powerpoint presentation.

Unlike many conservatives, who will relentlessly attack, you know, a twelve-year old who was in a coma for daring to speak, the Rude Pundit will not in any way try to find out "the truth" about Irena Sendler, digging in garbage, spying in windows, twisting facts into real-sounding lies until he can say something like, "Didja know Sendler thinks Israel was a waste of her efforts and for most of her life her favorite sexual act was to get on all fours to be fucked in the ass by a masked man in an SS overcoat and no pants? She called the position 'Putting your Bergen in my Belsen.' It was the only way she could have screaming orgasms." No, the Rude Pundit's gonna leave Sendler alone.

But the pathetic right-wingers who parade Sendler around like a Schiavo on a stick, trying to show how corrupt the Nobel Prize is because it went to Gore and not Sendler? Those idiotic fuckers deserve nothing but contempt. Look at this bullshit:

The Media Research Center (motto: "Keeping You Stupid For Two Whole Decades"), in its article about "adulatory" coverage of Gore's win, says that ABC news "did point out a few of those who were pushed aside in favor of Gore, including Irena Sendler (whom ABC did not identify by name), a 97-year-old Polish woman who saved an estimated 2,500 children from the Nazi Holocaust." That's right. The MRC is saying, "How dare the news programs praise Gore for winning the Nobel Peace Prize when there's an old Polish woman who's never won." Christ, can't these fuckers on the right hold two thoughts in their heads at once?

Go down the fuckin' list: CNN's Glenn "When Is Someone Gonna Punch Me in My Balls?" Beck, some Fox "news" commentator (albeit a 2 a.m. one), random idiot columnists, and idioter bloggers, all have the high hard-on for Sendler because, well, it's easy to trot out a Holocaust hero to make a meaningless point.

The self-pleasuring taintlickers at Newsbusters went even further, taking the time to "point out some of the major media outlets in our nation that boycotted her nomination." What exactly does that mean? Not mentioning that Sendler was nominated for the Nobel. That's what a news boycott is to these semi-functioning infants, so enamored of their own feces-filled diapers that they are blinded by the piquant scent. The post even has this amazing line: "God bless you, Irena. For all I know, you saved one of my relatives." And for all the writer knows, his relatives stayed alive by narcing out Anne Frank and sucking Nazi cock. There's really a 50-50 chance of either.

By the way, do any of these shit-flinging monkeys see any irony in the fact that they keep talking about how Sendler was tortured by the Nazis in order to find out where she was sending the children? She never gave up any information, and they broke her bones. One bets that the Nazis thought it was a matter of national security that they find those kids. One wonders what Sendler, who also lived in Soviet-era Poland, thinks of "enhanced interrogations." No, no, irony is generally not the province of right-wing America.

Oh, and by the way, on the website devoted to Sendler? A note of congratulations to Gore and the United Nations group for winning the Nobel Peace Prize.


Hey, Conservative Rudy Lovers: Read What He Wrote About Illegal Immgrants in 1997:
The Rude Pundit has not made it a secret that he despises Rudy Giuliani. He can't figure out why the hell Giuliani's running for President other than ego, the chance to pardon Bernard Kerik before Kerik goes all state's evidence on Giuliani, and a sad attempt to keep impressing his needy-ass third wife. Really, it makes more goddamn sense for Tom Tancredo to run. At least he's got a principle or two to stand on, odious though those principles may be.

Giuliani has demonstrated that he is a weak, pathetic political animal, willing to abandon any sane beliefs he had in order to desperately pander to the rabid, frothing herd of deranged core conservative voters. He's zigged on abortion, zagged on gay rights, and on treatment of illegal immigrants, he's punked out totally. Giuliani was just endorsed by former California Governor Pete "No Education for Illegal Immigrant Children" Wilson, creating some kind of cretinous tear in the fabric of humanity.

Mitt Romney and Giuliani, two pink-dressed girls whose slap fights are comically entertaining, got into it during the summer over illegal immigration, with Romney accusing Giuliani of making New York City into a safe haven for illegals. Giuliani said he no like lawbreakers. But let's let 1997 Giuliani do the talking here

In a strangely unmentioned Wall Street Journal editorial from January 9, 1997 titled "Keep America's Door Open," Giuliani wrote about what he saw as the proper treatment of illegal immigrants in a way that most non-Kucinich Democrats couldn't get away with now:

"Why shouldn't city employees turn undocumented immigrants over to the INS? Because if immigrants fear being caught and deported, they will avoid the police, hospitals and schools--to the detriment of the entire city. If the federal government fails to fulfill its responsibility to keep undocumented immigrants out of the U.S., then we must afford them certain protections to preserve the health and safety of all Americans.

"A criminal who victimizes an undocumented immigrant might attack a legal resident next. Discouraging the reporting of crimes would make it more difficult for the police to track criminal activity. New York now leads the nation in crime reduction, but we cannot catch criminals, prevent crime and protect the public if we don't have accurate information about where and when crimes are occurring.

"Immigrants who fail to seek medical care for fear of deportation also pose a substantial danger to the general public. The misguided new federal law could result in the spread of serious communicable diseases that might easily have been contained if diagnosed and treated early."

(Remember, by the way, that this seemingly rational approach to the place of illegal immigrants in urban America was written by the current leading Republican presidential candidate. Alas, sweet flip-floppery. But let Rudy continue here.)

"And parents who fear deportation might not send their children to public schools. If not in school, some 80,000 children of undocumented immigrants would be on the streets of New York or left alone in apartments. Not only would they suffer irreversible damage, but so many unsupervised children would endanger public safety in the entire city.

"What's more, there is no indication that vastly increasing the number of names reported to the INS would even lead to substantially more deportations. The federal government seldom deports undocumented immigrants, even when the INS has established their identities. In New York City, which has an estimated 400,000 undocumented immigrants, only about 1,500 are deported each year. While the recently enacted illegal-immigration law provides new funding for deportation, still less than 1% of the undocumented immigrants already in New York would be deported each year. If the federal government wants to stop illegal immigration, it should work diplomatically with other governments and better secure our national borders, not endanger public safety by recklessly denying critical services to people already here."

There you go, conservatives, who think you wanna go with Rudy. Pre-9/11, before he went even madder with power, Giuliani believed we should all pay for health care and education and police protection for illegal immigrants. Sure, there's a certain amount of buck-passing, blaming the federal government, but in our current rhetoric about immigration, was not Giuliani encouraging illegal immigration?

Indeed, if you are a conservative so concerned about the issue, would it not seem that when Giuliani was mayor of New York, he actually made the problem worse?


Saturday Fun Away From Work: You Can Watch the Rude Pundit Video With the Volume Up:
Yes, some nellies at YouTube complained about the content of the Rude Pundit's "42 Ways Not to Have Sex With Ann Coulter," so it was put behind the log-in wall. Louis CK's "report" on Catholic priests being trained to "fuck little boys"? Fine. Katt Williams ranting about Michael Jackson's sexual predilections? Fine. Michelle Malkin in a cheerleader outfit? Fine. The Rude Pundit talking about not fucking Ann Coulter? Put up the content wall or the village will be burned.

So if you wanna go through the YouTubery, you most certainly can, and join in the love, hate, and "meh" of the comments section.

Or you can go through the original post at here at the Rude Pundit's place. Or at one of the other fine and rude-lovin' blogs that have embedded the video.

(By the way, the Louis CK and Katt Williams videos are goddamn funny. So's Malkin's, but for completely different reasons.)


Gore v. Bush:
Now that Al Gore has won the Nobel Peace Prize (along with the United Nations' Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change), the clearest difference between the former vice president and the current president is placed into even starker relief. In essence, Gore has elevated the world as a whole above the United States as a single entity within it. George W. Bush has placed the United States above the world. And Gore's non-electoral ascension, concomitant as it has been with Bush's descent into the miasma of low poll numbers and a destroyed party and disgrace in the world, reveals just how untenable the Bush position is: a nation can no longer succeed in this world unless its ultimate goal is to be part of the world.

Or, to put it another way, Gore won. Again. When the books are written, in the long-term histories of this and other countries, Al Gore will be cherished and George Bush will be crushed like so much real manure on a fake ranch. Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize does in Bush's seeming obsession with his legacy. And that's due in no small part to the smallness of Bush's thinking compared to the expansiveness of Gore's.

The Bush administration's foreign policy can perhaps be described as interventionist isolationism. In other words, sure, sure, the United States'll invade other countries and create open trade and other actions, but the ultimate goals of those efforts are not to improve the world or the lot of other people. If that's a by-product of the action, then, sure, hell, at least that provides cover for what is, at root, self-interest and greed and the bald assertion of power to the end of propagating further self-interest and greed. Yeah, yeah, every nation's foreign policy has a degree of self-interest. It has to. But for the United States under the Bush regime, it is the primary, if not the sole, consideration, no matter what lies they tell about planting seeds of democracy or some such nonsense.

Back in 2000, because we didn't riot in the streets and shut down the country in the wake of the presidential election debacle, the nation essentially abandoned Al Gore. And while Al Gore didn't totally abandon the nation, he turned his focus to the effort to demonstrate that real leadership need not emanate from the false mandate of a corrupted electoral process. In his crusade for action on climate change, Gore not only remade himself, but he remade the way in which people think about the world at large. Here was not just a cause confined to a specific continent (like African hunger) or a fight against a tyrant like Hitler to catalyze large portions of the population. Here was a way of thinking of the Earth as a whole, a way of seeing the interdependence of each country, of each population, and Gore has shifted a generation's view of itself as part of something larger.

The great failure of the United States to lead on this issue, to be the place where we create solutions that benefit the globe, keep economies humming, and raise humanity up in a way that might, truly, do more for peace than all the pre-emptive wars ever, rests squarely on the shoulders of George W. Bush and his administration.

It's the difference between a man who traveled and studied the world by choice in his life and a man who has to be dragged to different countries like a particularly incontinent dog is dragged out to the sidewalk on a snowy day.

Gore's not gonna run. Give that up. To go from speaking out about melting icecaps to being asked what he thinks about, say, a flag-burning amendment would be a degradation of what he's worked for the last six years. And had that statewide recount in Florida happened and Gore had become president, Republicans would have simply worked night and day trying to destroy him, and his causes would have been washed away in a tide of worthless investigations of Buddhist monk phone calls and worse. And let's not even get into how Republicans would have exploded in berserk, ape-like rage over 9/11 if it had happened under a Gore presidency.

It's not that we're not worthy or that he's too good for us or any of that hyperbolic nonsense. We got the president we deserved, twice, and we realized too late that we didn't get the president we needed. As with so many things, our own temptation to that latent American selfishness has done us in.
In Brief: Re-Rebuilding in New Orleans:
Over at Susie Madrak's place, Suburban Guerrilla, she brings us a story of the Joseph family in the Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans whose Katrina-broken-levee wrecked home was almost completely rebuilt before it was burned down after an abandoned car was set aflame near it. Tulane University medical students have put up a website called Project: Bring Miracle Home to get donations to help the Josephs re-rebuild.

The fundraising's been slow. Compassion fatigue, one supposes. The Rude Pundit's already tossed in some money. Considering that the first phase of the entire rebuilding plan for New Orleans has been scaled back to a fifth of its first size, every little bit helps.


Forty-Two Ways Not to Have Sex With Ann Coulter (A Rude Video):
Last week, when the Rude Pundit opened the floor for questions from readers, he got asked one thing more than any other: "Would you fuck Ann Coulter?" or some variation on that, generally involving a threesome with Michelle Malkin, drugs, dildos, or some unholy combination of all of the above.

That question is answered below, in a five-and-a-half minute burst of never-blogged rudeness and blow-up dolls (including the infamous Ann Coulter she-male) from the Rude Pundit's early 2007 show The Road to Rude (available for performance at theatres, corporate events, and sweet sixteen parties).

That's a sold-out audience of a 150 or so at the 2007 High Performance Rodeo at the One Yellow Rabbit Performance Theatre in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Let's viral this motherfucker as an answer to this batshit insane idiot who thinks that Jews are just imperfect Christians (no, really) and whose latest book is sure to be the bulk sale runaway hit of the fall.

Feel free to embed this video or link to it from mighty YouTube.

Oh, and you can leave comments at the YouTube link.


Fucked New Orleans (Cronyism, Pumps, and Murder Edition):
No matter which way you cut it, no matter what angle you look at it from, New Orleans is fucked. Fucked in a conglomeration of ways, kind of like a man whore at a gay gang-bang is getting dicks in every orifice and making ski poles out of the cocks in his hands, and there's still a line of dudes out the door waiting for a chance to fuck him some more.

If we had a mainstream media that gave a muddy-bubbled pig's fart about real news, they might talk about what came to light this week about the Army Corps of Engineers' installation of 40 new water pumps at New Orleans canals affected by Hurricane Katrina. Allegations by whistleblower and corps engineer Maria Garzino are that the pumps are "inherently flawed" and haven't been properly tested. Even with a second GAO investigation ongoing, the U.S. Office of Special Counsel has sent a letter to Defense Secretary Robert Gates that compels the DOD to investigate the allegations and report on them within 120 days. Said OSC's Scott Bloch in his letter, "I am referring to you a whistleblower disclosure that employees at the Department of the Army, USACE, Mississippi Valley Division, New Orleans District, New Orleans, Louisiana, are responsible for a violation of a law, rule, or regulation, gross mismanagement, a gross waste of funds, and a substantial and specific danger to public safety."

See, not only might the pumps not work, but the contract for the pumps went to Moving Water Industries, a Florida corporation. The owner of MWI is J. David Eller. Eller was once a business partner of Jeb Bush, you know, the former governor of Florida who happens to be the President's brother. Bush-El, as their company was known, marketed water pumps overseas. Eller has donated over $140,000 to Republican candidates over the last 15 years. The contract had a $5 million "incentive" to do the work quickly.

They don't even try to hide this shit, do they? They know that no one gives a good goddamn. Cronyism with connections to the president's family and the chance that it might lead to more destruction in New Orleans? Fuck that. Britney's visiting her kids.

As for living in post-Katrina land, check out this picture:

That's a picture of Tran Van Nich near his house, which is near a lot where one house was torn down and others are in various states of repair (see that in the background on the right? That's a trailer where someone's been living for the last two years). In this cul-de-sac in eastern New Orleans, there's been three murders in the last two months. The area outside the cul-de-sac is still decimated, where "Contractors and day laborers, who often carry equipment and large amounts of money, have been targeted by robbers. Home invasions are causing increasing alarm."

All that and the goddamn Saints are 0-4. It's like God just likes taking ginormous dumps on the Crescent City. And the rest of us just thank our lucky fuckin' stars it ain't happenin' here, as long as here is far enough away from New Orleans.


Why Michelle Malkin Ought to Be Caged Like a Rabid Shihtzu (Stalker Edition):
So, like the readers of every blog under the friggin' sun know by now, the hilarity goes something like this: President Bush gives his Saturday radio address sayin' that no goddamn middle class children are gonna get government health care on his watch; the Democrats, finally realizing that subtlety doesn't work in Idiot America, give their response through twelve year-old Graeme Frost, a Baltimore kid who was nearly killed in a car accident, whose sister is permanently brain-damaged by the accident, whose family doesn't have health insurance, and whose life was saved because of SCHIP; the Baltimore Sun story about Graeme and his family sets off a mad scramble in Right Blogsylvania over who can debunk what is essentially a puff piece on the Frosts; and, sweet ejaculatory glee, they think they've found shit on the Frosts, who, in the mind of the right, are "selfish yuppies" because they didn't have health insurance despite being middle class. Now, who exactly are the abusive bastards here?

Michelle Malkin is raking her fingernails across her clit to keep herself wet and throbbing at the thought that discrediting a kid who "was in a coma for a week and still requires physical therapy" might discredit the whole SCHIP push. Pushing that fleshy button like it's controlling nukes pointed at Iran, Malkin squirted like a love juice fountain at the thought of taking down these vile fuckers, these Frosts, who would dare put their children in the political spotlight. Scrawls Malkin in full tilt orgasm, "The Frosts pushed their children into the political arena. They were joined by other parents who loaned their tots to the leftist cause for a full-press on CHIP."

See, Malkin went above and beyond the lazy ass Google and Nexis searches of other right wing crazies. Oh, yeah, she got in her car and drove around to look for evidence that the Frosts were scheming rich people. Unironically, Malkin justifies all this probing with "Asking questions and subjecting political anecdotes to scrutiny are what journalists should be doing." Even if subjecting policy, not anecdotes, to scrutiny is what journalists should be doing.

Visiting Halsey Frost's commercial property, she met Mike Reilly a "tenant" at the building, and she cornered the poor welder and pumped him for his opinions on matters Frost and non-Frost-related: "Reilly was an outspoken advocate for socialized health care without any means-testing whatsoever and an insistent critic of the Iraq war." That must totally discredit Reilly's portrayal of Frost as "struggling."

Not content to go to the place of business, Malkin stalked the Frosts: "I also passed by the Frosts’ rowhouse. There was an '01 - 20 -09' bumper sticker plastered on the door and a newer model GMC Suburban parked directly in front of the house." Oh, the conundrum - they can't wait for Bush to be out of office, but they buy American. Goddamnit, why can't traitors be traitors through and through.

The right keeps justifying their pillorying of the Frosts with the bullshit argument that they "chose" to go without health insurance when Bonnie Frost's job didn't offer it and Halsey Frost was self-employed and they made $45,000 for a family of four. Median income for a family of four in Maryland? $89,608. Income to qualify for at least some form of Maryland's Children's Health Program? $61,950. Well below the median. And the Frosts' income? Well below Maryland's threshold. Sorry, gang. This ain't another welfare queen myth.

Yeah, the Frosts made a choice: they walked into a casino with their income and took a gamble like so many others that they couldn't afford health insurance. And to the right, they lost the bet and so, well, fuck 'em, they should have done without something else. To the left, the issue is why there's a casino there in the first place.

But the whole thing is total bullshit. It's a distraction that the right is attempting again, just like the MoveOn.org ad stupidity. Talk about the Frosts and you can avoid the issue of uninsured children. Talk about "Petraeus/Betray Us" and you don't have to address a general baldfaced lying to Congress. For Malkin and her ilkin, there's only attack, not rational discussion. Everything has to be reduced to its pornographic essence, fit only for easy consumption and the throes of self-passion and masturbatory yawps of her readership, jacking it hard at Malkin going out and kicking the ass of a twelve year-old.


Rude Pow-Wow on Columbus Day:
Yep, it's Columbus Day once again, and the Rude Pundit's been watching CNN for over an hour without a single mention of that fact. Other than the banks, schools, and government offices being closed, Columbus Day would probably go the way of Arbor Day. Oh, and the parades. Let's not forget about the parades.

While not quite as impressively self-loathingly stereotypical as St. Patrick's Day parades (where nearly every Irish person the Rude Pundit knows joyously looks forward to getting completely shitfaced to show the world their shillelagh sportin' pride), Columbus Day parades are wonderful celebrations of a greedy Italian-born adventurer who stumble-fucked his way over to islands close enough to the United States for us to claim him. It's not really that anything's wrong with celebrating a simulacrum of one's heritage in a way that'd make Chef Boy-ar-dee say, "Tone-a that shit down-a." Hell, in San Francisco, the damn thing's called the "Italian Heritage Parade," even though it takes place on Columbus Day weekend, even though the goddamn website's "sfcolumbusday.org."

But, of course, the mainstream squeamishness and Indian anger over Columbus Day has to do with, you know, the genocide, enslavement, and destruction of indigenous peoples in the wake of what was undeniably an act of hubris and balls in making the journey. In other words, the Indians' shit got fucked up while the white people got paid. And so, as a good white liberal, the Rude Pundit wants to remind you: Indians' shit is still fucked up.

For instance, on September 27, the Senate Indian Affairs Committee, led by Democrat Byron Dorgan of North Dakota, held a hearing on the epidemic of rape and violence against American Indian and Native Alaskan women. Here's a few words from the speakers:

Alexandra Arriaga of Amnesty said, "Amnesty International launched an investigation after learning that U.S. Department of Justice’s own statistics indicate that Native American and Alaska Native women are more than 2.5 times more likely than other women in the US to be raped. According to Department of Justice statistics, more than 1 in 3 Native American and Alaska Native women will be raped at some point during their lives and 86% of perpetrators of these crimes are non-Native men." See, a clusterfuck of jurisdictional issues between tribal and federal land, along with limited resources, has pushed investigation of sexual violence on tribal land far down the priority list.

Among the things that Arriaga pointed out, "Funding for detention in Indian Country has been inconsistent and inadequate. For example, the Department of Justice Office of Justice Programs provided $44 million for incarceration on tribal lands in 2002 and only $14 million in 2006." This goes along with the failure of the federal government to adequately fund forensic labs (a 2000 FBI program that helped establish a lab in Arizona was halted in 2005 despite the lab receiving an "overwhelming" number of cases), medical personnel who are trained to get evidence of sexual assault, and more. Guess that must have been some of that pork we've heard so much about.

This is not to mention the lack of the Justice Department putting teeth into the section of the 2005 Violence Against Women Act that deals with native women, according to Karen Artichoker, director of the Sacred Circle National Resource Center to End Violence Against Native Women. And then there's the testimony of Jami Rozell, a rape survivor whose experience with the Oklahoma criminal justice system seems like it's out of 1975.

On the other hand, Nike's making a special shoe for Indian feet, so it's sort of a wash.


Perino, Thomas, and the NRCC: Great Moments in Republican Dickery:
It's always fun when you can recognize that someone's being a total dick, a veiny, hard, throbbing dick just looking for something to fuck. To wit:

The National Republican Congressional Committee (motto: "Please, God, don't let the stupid man in the White House hurt us anymore") is sponsoring an online petition exhorting loyal Republicans to "Stand with Rush." While a standing Rush Limbaugh is as rare a sight as a live Dominican girl leaving his Florida compound, apparently we need to make sure that Rush Limbaugh is allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants because "With the recent liberal effort to resurrect the 'fairness doctrine,' we have to recognize that free speech -- conservative free speech is under direct attack."

The key there, of course, is "conservative free speech," because the effort is discussed on the NRCC's blog. And the wonderful dickery is when you scroll down a bit, you get to all the posts about MoveOn.org's "Suck it, Petraeus" ad, including this tasty morsel: "The values of MoveOn.org are contary to the Red, White, and Blue values that we as Americans hold. Every politician, every elected leader, no matter what their political stripe, should be jumping at this opportunity to condemn the actions" of MoveOn.

MoveOn.org's free speech questioning a political appearance by a general? Fuck that. Rush Limbaugh's free speech calling an Iraq war vet opposing the war a suicide bomber? Stand with that shit. Howzabout Congress just back the fuck off on everyone for using this strange thing called "freedom of speech"?

Bonus humor points: the NRCC letter telling us to support Rush has this line about "the issue": "It is bigger than Rush Limbaugh." Let's just let that thought linger.

Dana Perino, Bush's hot press secretary who's just beggin' for a spankin', is no stranger to the act of dickery. Yesterday, at her press briefing, she was hammered with questions about the New York Times report on more secret memos offering ass-covering for torture techniques. There was the constant repetition of the White House line that they won't discuss specific interrogation methods because it'll let "the enemy" know how to defend against it, which is both bizarre and chilling, because have we really come up with such original shit that nobody could figure it out ahead of time?

Anyways, as she was being cornered, looking deliciously frightened, yet sneeringly contemptuous, like the most pulchritudinous rat ever, she lashed out at the reporters. Constantly repeating that torture has "prevented attacks," she said, "Now, if there were an attack on this country, all of the questions in here would be very different. You would be asking me, how did you allow this to happen?" And if the answer to that question is, "Because we didn't twist the nuts of this one guy hard enough," well, we would pretty fucked to begin with.

One can't leave the notion of dickery behind without at least a brief mention of Supreme Court Justice Clarence "The Grudge" Thomas's new book. The much-quoted liberal-bashing line of the book has been: "I'd grown up fearing the lynch mobs of the Ku Klux Klan; as an adult, I was starting to wonder if I'd been afraid of the wrong white people all along. My worst fears had come to pass not in Georgia but in Washington, D.C., where I was being pursued not by bigots in white robes but by left-wing zealots draped in flowing sanctimony."

One imagines that if Clarence Thomas had been beaten, dragged into a town square, set on fire, castrated, and hanged, he might feel a bit differently.


Four Years of Rudeness: Another Question Answered:
This week, the Rude Pundit marks the beginning of his fifth year of bringing the rude to the bloggy world. He's opened the floor for questions, and he's received an assload. Here's one from PreTzel of the great deal more polite blog Pretzel's Place:

"If you could sit down to dinner with Bush and ask him 3 questions, tell him 3 polite statements, and say 3 rude comments to him, what would they be?"

The Rude Pundit would like it to be a private dinner, maybe of hot dogs and ice cream, since the President seems to like that sort of thing, and he'd use his 9 chances thusly:

Polite Statement #1: "Dude, I got some tequila and Peruvian blow."
Question #1: "You want some?"
Polite Statement #2: "C'mon, you know you want some."
Question #2: "Blow or tequila first?"
Rude Comment #1: "Goddamn, that's a big ass line."
Rude Comment #2: "Don't bogart the blow, motherfucker."
Rude Comment #3: "Shit, leave some fuckin' tequila for me, bitch."
Question #3: "You had enough?"
Polite Statement #3: "Good luck at the press conference, Mr. President."
A Conversation in High Places Regarding Torture:
If you haven't yet read the New York Times article on just how deranged the Bush administration is about covering its ass over torture, do it and then come back here. The Rude Pundit will wait...

Yeah, yeah, it's long. Get the fuck back there and finish it. Jesus, short attention-spanned motherfuckers.

You done? Good. Let's get going here:

In essence, what that article by Scott Shane, David Johnston, and James Risen said is that conversations went on in the White House and the Justice Department in the United States that went something like this: Bush might say, "Hey, all that fucked-up shit we've been doing to prisoners, how much of it can we still do?"

To which some random bloodthirsty Yoo or Addington would say, "Oh, fuck, we can do whatever the fuck we want."

And some plaintive Comey or Goldsmith would say, "Umm, we kinda got treaties and shit, maybe a few laws that might say we should back off."

And some Cheney or, to a lesser extent, Gonzales would say, "Yeah, right, fuck you, Comey or Goldsmith. Yoo or Addington, kick out the enhanced interrogation jams and tell those CIA pussies who wanna know if shit's legal that we got their backs."

And some sighing Comey or Goldsmith would say, "Uh, not to be all buzzkill, but McCain's got a hard-on for stoppin' the waterboardin'. Congress might just put the kibosh on the whole deal."

And some lip-licking Yoo or Addington would say, "Are you fuckin' kiddin me? Fuck Congress. Imperial presidency, cuntface. Constitution sez the Prez can do whatever the fuck he wants, long as he's makin' us safe. And McCain's a little bitch. He'll shut the fuck up or Lindsey Graham'll fuck him in the Senate cloak room."

And some increasingly sad Comey or Goldsmith would say, "Don't really think the Constitution means that."

And some Cheney or, to a lesser extent, Gonzales would say, "Dude, dude, you don't really get this do you? It ain't just that we get to make up the laws as we go. We get to make our own motherfuckin' dictionary. Ain't nothin' torture 'less we sez it is."

And some pathetically frustrated Comey or Goldsmith or Ashcroft would say, "Fuck this. I'm out." And leave.

And some Yoo or Addington would be all like, "Woo-hoo. In yer face, motherfuckers."

And some Cheney or, to an even lesser extent, Gonzales would go, "Call the CIA. Tell 'em naked, drownin', sleepless brown people is a-okay."

And Bush would say, "I'm glad we decided we're not war criminals. Now lemme go tell Umerka we done made 'em more securer."

And then in some brightly-lit metal cell at Bagram Air Base or Gitmo, ice cold water was thrown on a naked man from Iraq, with the water tosser feeling assured that what he was doing was good and right for God and country.

A few years back, a social worker friend gave the Rude Pundit a simple moral question that seems so obvious once it's said, but it hangs over the Rude Pundit constantly. He was looking for absolution for some betrayal of trust he wanted to commit. The friend said, "You have to ask yourself, 'At the end of the day, what kind of person do I want to be?'" The Rude Pundit decided he wasn't that kind of person. No, he ain't a saint, but he ain't outright cruel.

The Rude Pundit has not been one of the loud drum beaters for impeachment out here in Left Blogsylvania because of the practicality of achieving it. But he has to say that the longer these depraved motherfuckers get to go unpunished, the more obvious it is that the Congress and, indeed, the citizens of this fallen nation have decided what kind of people they are.


Four Years of Rudeness: More Answers:
As the Rude Pundit embarks on his fifth year of riding the rude, he's wondering if there's any questions readers would like answered. Today he takes on one of his most-asked questions: "Why no comments?"

And he answers with: "I've answered that one already." (Go down on the link if you wanna be satisfied.)

Loyal rudester Amberglow, whose very name makes the Rude Pundit get that feeling you get when you swallow brandy on a cold night, asks, "Have you ever met any of the bigshots, assholes, and turds you've written about? When? What was it like?" The Rude Pundit met a young Jack Abramoff, who oozed viscous sleaze even back then, and he shook hands and said, "Hello" to Ronald Reagan, and his hand still freezes at memory of Reagan's withered claw. There's been other minor players met and major speeches attended, but as far as gatherings where he might meet a bigshot, turd, or asshole, the Rude Pundit, alas, refuses to pay for the privilege to meet, say, Sean Hannity, and he's pretty sure he's not on Michelle Malkin's party list (although, c'mon, Michelle, you know it'd give you like a month's worth of writing to have the Rude Pundit show up at your joint, get drunk, and trash it. Think about it).

One time he was face-to-face with Dan Quayle; the Rude Pundit shook the then-Vice Presidential candidate's hand and yelled, "You're stupid" at him. Ahh, so articulate.
The Bush Legacy: We Wish Your Children Sickness and Death:
When he heard the news - that in the same week that President George W. Bush requested $190 billion to fund the eternal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan for a few more months, he also vetoed the SCHIP bill, which would have cost $7 billion extra a year to get kids regular doctor visits - Jesus just said, "What the fuck? Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?" When his hand and foot wounds started to bleed again, he exclaimed, "Ah, shit, I just got this carpet cleaned."

In one of those head-slapping moments for Republicans, who knew this was coming, the Bush administration and many of its loyal lackeys in the Congress and media went old school to attack the expansion of the States Children's Health Insurance Program, dragging hoary old bugaboo of "socialized medicine" out of the rhetorical attic to face the light of day again.

Senators attacking the bill had varying strategies. Mitch "Upper Lip of Doom" McConnell took it out on New Jersey: "For millions of hard-working Americans who have to pay for their insurance, it doesn't seem right that they should have to subsidize the families in New Jersey who can and should be paying for their own. And a lot of poor families in New Jersey are also right to wonder why Trenton is suddenly enrolling middle-class families for SCHIP when their kids still lack coverage - about 120,000 of them by one count." It's an argument that bites itself in the ass from the get-go: yeah, Mitch, yer right, we should get all those Jersey kids insured. What can we do to ensure that happens?

New Hampshire Senator Judd Gregg was passionately upset about anyone using the "back door": "Now, I do not happen to support a nationalized system of health care. But I think if we are going to have a nationalized system of health care, we should not do it through the back door...I do not support a single-payer plan. But I especially find it inappropriate that the way the other side of the aisle is trying to get to a single-payer program is through this surreptitious back door of taking one chunk of the population--kids who are already insured by the private sector--and moving them over to the public sector in the name of protecting children who are from lower or moderate-income families." Gregg's blatant homophobia aside, can anyone explain how a bill passed by Congress is in any way "surreptitious"?

Texas Senator John Cornyn affirmed Gregg: "It is not conspiracy theories, it is not an exaggeration to say this is an incremental step toward that single-payer, Washington-controlled health care system." Yeah, those sneaky Democrats and, well, a lot of Republicans, they're just evilly talking in smoky backrooms, plotting and making vile plans to...make...people...healthy? Those bastards. Those motherfucking bastards.

They tried it all. One of the Rude Pundit's favorite feints to the right was from Louisiana's whoremongering David Vitter, who was so pissy that Harry Reid wouldn't allow debate on his amendment that said no medicine for illegal immigrant kids: "[T]here is nothing in the SCHIP legislation to prevent this fraud, to prevent these very significant costly benefits coming from the Federal taxpayers from going to illegal aliens in the country." Hell, they may as well have had Karl Marx and Che Guevara puppets yelling, "Workers of the world, unite" before fucking a puppet corpse of Ronald Reagan.

Still, despite the "courage" of a few Republicans to stand up to a White House that is despised for a bill that has vast public support, President Bush vetoed it. Capitalism above all, theory over reality, as in Iraq, as in America.

The Devil, who was playing online chess with Jesus when he heard the news, giggled, which just pissed Jesus off even more. "Shut the fuck up," Jesus said. "I've got enough to deal with here."

The Devil has been winning so many more of their games lately, whether it's Scrabble, Risk, or Cribbage. He merely shook his horned head and said, "Checkmate. C'mon, you're not even trying anymore."