Conservative Nitwit Mike Gallagher Shows What Happens When Douchebags Attack:
There's various combinations that a woman can use to douche, even though women shouldn't, although many are paranoid about their vaginas, easily manipulated by corporate douchemakers, and/or subjected to it by partners who meet the first two criteria and are, in fact, douchebags themselves. Vicious circle, innit? Let us elucidate:

Columnist and radio host (goddamn, is there a conservative who is just a fuckin' columnist?) Mike Gallagher is your douchebag filled with a basic vinegar and water cocktail. He writes as if he's found the holy goddamn grail of in-yer-face-liberals factoid. Seems that there's National Guard troops patrolling the streets of New Orleans, and this surprises the fuck out of Gallagher, who actually says, "Frankly, I had no idea that the National Guard has been functioning as an auxiliary police department in New Orleans for the past two years, did you?" Well, yes and no, since it's only been June 2006, but give or take eight months, sure. And, yes, it's true, as Gallagher says, the Police Superintendent wants the 300 Guard members to stay on past the January 2008 end of their deployment.

Then Gallagher points out that the crime rate in New Orleans was so very high even before Katrina took out large swaths of the city, which is true, and Gallagher crows like a cock that...well, no, just like a cock: "It's an extension of the bald-faced lie that the Bush Administration purposefully ignored the plight of the city after the floodwaters hit." To Gallagher, this means all of us squishy liberals oughta shut the fuck up about the federal government's abandonment of New Orleans.

Gallagher points out that New Orleans had 265 murders in 2004, which sucks, to be sure. He even points out the irrelevant fact that the city had 421 murders in 1994. And, jumping up and down, Gallagher says, "I didn’t do very well in math, but 265 and 421 sound like a higher number of killings than last year’s 162. Or even this year’s 163." Yeah, Gallagher's got us over a barrel, eh? Less murders, National Guard on the street. Man, it's like George W. Bush is there hisself, blockin' bullets with his skinny, old body.

Gallagher's practically fellating himself when he declares, "I hate to burst the bubble of people who like to romanticize New Orleans. But the decadence, danger and filth in New Orleans were there well before Hurricane Katrina ever came ashore." Really, it's like this numbnuts, who is another worthy Fox "news" commentator, is a mentally disabled forty-year old man who just figured out how to pee standing up and thinks it's the greatest thing, so he has to share it with everyone. Put your fuckin' dick away, man, we've been pissing that way for years.

'Cause, see, reality has such a forceful way of biting our asses and chewing them to the bone. If you know any goddamn thing about New Orleans, you know the way this goes: Pre-Katrina, the population was 455,000. Now? 273,000. That makes the murder rate a little higher already in 2007 than in 2004, although if you add in what's gonna be more murders in the next two and a half months, it'll be what we refer to as a "skyrocket." (And let's not even get into what 162 murders was to the smaller 2006 population of New Orleans.)

And, by the way, pre-Katrina number of cops? 1668. Now? 1382. Since Gallagher claims he's got shit for brains when it comes to math, that'd be close to 300 less cops. The same number of Guard troops there. Yeah, while the population of the city's smaller, the area that needs to be patrolled ain't.

As far as giving props to the Bush administration for the troops, ummm, the state pays for the Guard. Not the feds.

In other words, if part of your column is admitting that there's something you knew nothing about and that you didn't do any, say, fact-checking, you should probably just shut the fuck up about the subject, lest you look like even more of an idiot. Except, of course, that Gallagher's readers and listeners will hear of this and think they've learned some real neat-o way to face down the America-hatin' liberals.

In other words, fuck you, Mike Gallagher, you douchebag tool of the humanity-despising right.