Blackwater: American Assholes in Iraq:
Here's the secret test for discovering if you're worthy to be an employee of Blackwater USA, the corporation that sends mercenaries to hot spots to do the work of the United States, and, well, anyone who'll pay them: You are led into a room and in front of you is a row of asses of men bent over, but who are hidden by a curtain so that all you see are asses. You are told by your tester that each man there has agreed to let you fuck him in the ass. Now, to see if you are Blackwater material, you need to start fucking. A normal human being might have a bout of conscience, wondering if what you are being told about the men is true, that you can't do it and you need to leave. A perverse human being might get turned on by the whole idea and examine which particular ass he'd like to ram. But if you shrug, say you don't care, drop your pants, and just start randomly fucking, moving from ass to ass, well, then, mister, you are Blackwater material.

Just imagine: you tell some alcoholic pistol-fellating badass wannabes that they'll get paid a thou a day to drive around Baghdad in Hummers with submachine guns and not only do they not have to follow military code, they can't even be prosecuted for "misfires." Why, they might go batshit crazy with power.

Without getting too much into the shit you can discover by reading Jeremy Scahill's book on Blackwater, its website is filled with tough guy t-shirt bullshit: "When failure is not an option and hope is not enough." It's enough to make your crazy uncle living outside Reno jack off in anticipation of killing some brown people. You may have never gotten to be that Navy SEAL, but Blackwater can make your paramilitary fantasies come true.

Now that Henry Waxman's House Oversight Committee has released a report on just how out of control Blackwater has been in Iraq, we can all act appalled that mercenary soldiers might behave like, you know, mercenaries - soldiers with no loyalty other than cash. Says the report, "In total, Blackwater has received over $1 billion in federal contracts from 2001 through 2006, including more than $832 million under two contracts with the State Department to provide protective services in Iraq." 'Cause, see, if your business is making a billion dollars or so in a war zone, you pretty much have a stake in making sure that war continues.

But, hey, at least we found out what a dead Iraqi is worth in the amazing tale of the drunk Blackwater merc who, apparently because he didn't like being confronted by an Iraqi, shot a guard for Iraq's Vice President three times, killing the man. Then it was time to pay off the family: "Internally, the Embassy had differing opinions on the amount of compensation. The Charge d'Affaires initially proposed a $250,000 payment, then suggested $100,000. The Diplomatic Security Service opposed these figures as too high. One DSS official called the Charge d'Affaires' proposals 'crazy sums' and stated that such a figure could cause Iraqis to 'try to get killed so as to set up their family financially.' Noting that there previously had been a payout of $5,000 for 'a guy's car and a wound to the leg,' the official recommended a $15,000 to $25,000 payment."

That's right: life sucks so bad in Iraq that people might intentionally get killed by the U.S. so they're families can get paid. It's okay, though, because Blackwater and the United States only paid $15,000, which is a bargain if a car and a leg are worth five grand.

By the way, an official Blackwater onesie for your baby is only $18.00. God bless...who now?