In Brief: A Few Things You're Thinking (in Convenient List Form)

1. How much you wanna bet that there are members of the Secret Service who want Barack Obama dead?

2. Khorasan Group? Yeah, right. Prove it.

3. Any motherfucking politician or pundit who had no problem with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales needs to shut their lying whore mouth about resigning AG Eric Holder. But if you thought Gonzales was a cockknob, then, fine, have at Eric "Prosecute a Banker? Me?" Holder.

4. Yeah, well, shit, Bridgegate probably was something but those creepy Christie cronies made sure they protected their boss like he was a Sicilian godfather in the wrong pasta joint. So fuck us all for being hopeful that it would do the governor in.
4a. Don't fret, though. There's a ton of other shit that'll sink Christie before his sausage-greased fingers ever touch the presidency.

5. This sense of a forced march to the Hillary Clinton nomination is what Republicans must have felt in 2008 when it was McCain's "turn." (Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up. We'll all vote for her.)

6. When Ebola is gonna make us all shit out our organs, why should we worry about ISIS?

7. It's impossible to get rid of that sinking feeling that we've created an untenable, almost wholly unregulated capitalist system that is going to collapse on itself if it doesn't end up killing us through poison, climate change, or sleeping semi-drivers.

8. It's like playing a game of 3-card monte with the Devil in Hell. You know you're gonna lose, but what the fuck else is there to do?


National Review Writer Hates Lena Dunham and Abortion, Likes Hanging

On the Twitter doohickey yesterday, the Rude Pundit got into the kerfuffle over the efforts of Kevin D. Williamson justifying why he thinks women who have abortions and the doctors who perform them ought to be hanged. Like by a rope. Until dead. Williamson is a random conservative spoogebucket who writes for the National Review (motto: "When abortions are illegal, we will dance on the bloody graves of women").

If nothing else, it was unusual to see such unfiltered hatefulness so honestly displayed. It's like when a hog fucker no longer tries to hide it and just says, "Watch me fuck this hog." Or, in Williamson's case, when he said, "I believe the law should treat abortion like any other homicide," which is the same thing. Williamson will never be in the position to decide whether or not to have an abortion, but he knows exactly how to treat anyone who does.

What led to Williamson's totally not-joking wish to kill women - sorry, whores who have abortions was a comment on his latest National Review Online blog post, "Five Reasons Why You're Too Dumb to Vote." That was itself a response to an editorial the writer/actress Lena Dunham wrote for the Planned Parenthood Action Fund, where, believe it or not, Dunham said that protection of women's reproductive rights is important. Crazy, right? That a Planned Parenthood piece would be concerned with contraception and abortion?

Williamson was absolutely livid that Dunham would dare make a case for voting because "Voting is the most shallow gesture of citizenship there is, the issuance of a demand...imposing nothing in the way of reciprocal responsibility," which is why conservatives are absolutely determined to keep as many people as possible from voting. The fun part is when Williamson attempts to get snarky. Dunham's piece is "a half-assed listicle penned by a half-bright celebrity and published by a gang of abortion profiteers." And "Our national commitment to permanent, asinine, incontinent juvenility, which results in, among other things, a million or so abortions a year, is not entirely unrelated to the cultural debasement that is the only possible explanation for the career of Lena Dunham."

Now, the Rude Pundit's no writer for a magazine that's been trading on its faded glory since William F. Buckley wore his first Depends, but he's pretty sure that the only reason you would attack Dunham's career is if you don't have enough to say to attack her opinion. Williamson goes on, "It’s not for nothing that, on the precipice of 30, Miss Dunham is famous for a television series called Girls rather than one called Women. She might have gone one better and called it Thumbsuckers."

What the fuck did Dunham say? Did she punctuate the article with photos of her vagina? All Dunham did was write a straightforward, fun column about how great it is to vote and how it's incumbent on young women to do so. It's cutesy, sarcastic, and, in its own way, passionate: "Rather than go deep into a rage spiral, I vote. It’s healthier, more effective and infinitely more pleasant."

Williamson will have none of it. How dare this famous twat "express" an "opinion" that is different than his? And he reveals his game when he writes, "It is the so-called Affordable Care Act that has involved us in subsidizing birth control, abortifacients, surgical abortions, and who knows what else, for the strong, powerful, self-actualized American woman...If you get your politics from actors and your news from television comedians — you should not vote. There’s no shame in it, your vote is statistically unlikely to affect the outcome of an election." Ah, yes, that is a problem, innit?

See, what Williamson and all those who agree with him fear is the empowered woman, not just self-empowered, but government-empowered, the voting woman who has control of her body and demands that those in power protect those rights. Dunham scares Williamson and so he lashes out. Women having the power to determine their reproductive destinies, even with the financial assistance of the government, are so offensive that they must be stopped, even with the threat of death.

There is a sickness in such beliefs, a sexism and misunderstanding of history that goes beyond the usual right-wing spite for all freedom that is actually free. He doesn't want women to be free from patriarchal standards for female actions in creating their own destinies. Lena Dunham offends because she refuses to acknowledge that the old playbook ought to still exist.

(Note: The Rude Pundit is no Dunham cheerleader - he hated the trajectory of Girls this past season, but that's a dispute with an artist over her art, not a personal attack.)

(Note 2: Yeah, she should pay the people who are opening for her on her book tour.)

(Note 3: Speaking of abortions that deserve hanging, did you see that Family Guy/Simpsons thing? Fuck everyone involved.)

11 Years of Rudeness? Yes, 11 Years of Rudeness

Today marks the 11th birthday of this here blog thing. We've endured so much together: a stage show or two, an audiobook (buy it if you want to remember the evil fuckery of the Bush administration), a book book (the good chunk of which is autobiographical and most of it is still valid), weekly radio love sessions with Stephanie Miller, and so much more (not really, but, hey, who's fact-checking here?).

Oh, yeah, and about 10 trillion or so words about the filthy degradation we are all subject to on a daily basis, that sodomy machine known as the American political system. This here blogger is still foolishly optimistic enough to believe in the wavy illusion of democracy. But, to be honest to you all, dear, sweet rude readers, he doesn't know how much more he has in him.

The Rude Pundit wouldn't mind finding a home, a nice little place he can go to, where there might be, heavens, "payment" involved, maybe a Daily Beast or Salon or whatever that thing is that Matt Taibbi is working on for The Intercept. Even sharks don't mind hanging out with other sharks to share in some chum.

And it ain't just money. He's been thinking he wants to make some time to write other stuff. Mortality is an ugly bastard, you know?

Fuck contemplation for now. That is a future decision. This is now. And right now there is a midterm election afoot, our newest most importantest election ever in the history of forever, and more conservative taint-punching to be done than ever.  Besides, this whiskey ain't gonna drink itself. And this Molly is looking for someone or two or three to share it with.

Back later with more disorienting rudeness.


Who Is the Wrongest Person in John Crawford's Walmart Shooting?

If you watch the video surveillance footage of black man John Crawford walking the aisles at the Beavercreek, Ohio, Walmart, you see a black man, looking black, engaged in the black act of shopping while black. This black man's greatest sin is that he mindlessly picked up a BB gun while black and continued to shop while black at Walmart.

Here's what that BB gun, the Crosman MK-177 Tactical Air Rifle, with a magazine that can hold 300 BBs, looks like on the Walmart website, where it is still for sale because capitalism, man, capitalism.

That is a badass looking BB gun. Made in the US of A, like all good guns should be, except for all those cool ones we get from China. Yep, a black man would look awfully scary waving that around and pointing it at children, as 911 caller Ronald Ritchie said Crawford was doing.

Except here's the problem. The video footage of his entire time holding the rifle, from the moment he picked it up to the moment he dropped it after being shot by the cops, he doesn't aim it at anyone. And when the cops enter, not only is no one anywhere near Crawford, but when he is shot, it is from all the way down the aisle. Seriously, not a goddamn person is around him:

You don't even see him reacting to the cops. They shot right when they entered.

Now who was the wrongest person in this whole clusterfuck?

If you're an asshole, you could fault Crawford for mindlessly walking around Walmart with the scary-looking gun. After all, he is black. But, then again, you'd have to fault every white asshole who walks around mindlessly with a gun, Second Amendmenting all over the joint, like these white people who did so (and it took less than ten seconds to find these photos on People of Walmart):

The worst thing that's happened to any white person with a gun is they were asked to leave because Walmart sells alcohol. That happened to this Texas fucknut, a pastor, of course:

So, no, by no measure is Crawford even wrong.

The cops? Well, sure, they're pretty damn wrong, as all cops are who have been trained to kill everything that looks like it might breathe wrong at them. Add in a good dose of racism and racial paranoia and you've got all you need to do something truly criminal, but, you know, you're a cop and rarely does anyone blame you because fuck everyone else.

No, the Rude Pundit is gonna go with Ronald Ritchie here as the most utterly wrong motherfucker in this whole situation. A George Zimmerman without the same level of commitment, when he called 911, Ritchie lied to the dispatcher about what he saw, as he later revealed in an interview with the Guardian. "At no point did he shoulder the rifle and point it at somebody," Ritchie said a month after the incident, which is the opposite of what he said on the 911 call. He told the dispatcher that he thought he saw Crawford loading the gun with bullets, which, as we know, would have more than likely involved pouring tiny metal balls into the magazine. The dispatcher relayed that information to the cops, that a 6-foot tall black man was waving around a gun and pointing it at people at Walmart. Ritchie even lied about the shooting, saying that Crawford swung around and pointed the gun at the police. No, he did not. Ritchie knew he was lying.

But Ritchie took it even further, making himself sound like a hero on the local news when, in reality, he was just a racist little bitch. Frankly, Ritchie should be arrested. He yelled, "Fire!" in the crowded theater of our societal racial anxiety when he didn't even see smoke. And he is responsible for killing John Crawford almost as much as the cop who pulled the trigger.


Can Anal Beads Help Save Kansas?

It's all been shitty news lately, so we could use something to help us get through the rest of the week. And the Rude Pundit has it. Listen, children:

The state of Kansas is going to sell sex toys to help ease some of its economic woes. No, really. For example, among other items, the insane, right-wing government of insane right-winger Sam Brownback is auctioning off the "All American Real Skin Latin American Mini Whopper 4In Vibrating Straight Dong," which is advertised as "It's her turn to make it 'his turn.'" That means Gov. Brownback is selling an item meant to imitate a Latino cock for use in ass-fucking. (Note: Some of the links here contain dildos, anal beads, clamps of various sorts, and more. But you can get 'em cheap.)

So you may have read that Kansas is in the midst of a royal fucking by die-hard trickle down Republicans who took over the state and turned it into a mad economics experiment that has failed by just about any measure. Not only has the state failed to create more jobs, its tax revenue is far, far behind the rest of the nation. "The state had a stunning 42.9 percent reduction in individual income tax revenue in the April-June period compared with a year earlier. The national decline was just 7.1 percent," says the Nelson Rockefeller Institute of Government. Total tax receipts dropped 21.9% compared to 1.9% for the nation. That is almost all due to huge tax cuts that Brownback made on mostly the wealthiest Kansans, and it's left the state in the hole for $300 million just for the fiscal year.

Now, one business that owed $164,000 in back taxes was United Outlets LLC, which ran the sex store business Bang, which used to be conveniently located in a large Kansas town near you. But due to its owner's failure to pay, the state government seized Bang and all of Bang's merchandise. And that's why now, in one of the only states with anti-sodomy laws still on the books, the government will gladly sell you the Anal Invader with Cock Cage, which is "Not for Novices" (no, sir, it is not).

Perhaps the legislators will send their aides to pick up their packages at the Equip-Bid auction house. Imagine the moans coming down the halls of the statehouse as senators learn that their Tommy Gunn Cyberskin Cock has a suction cup that will hold it steady on their chairs so they can slowly sit down, their tender, virgin assholes finally experiencing penetration, their prostates tickled and pumped. For just a moment or two, they won't think they're in Kansas anymore.

Maybe Mrs. Brownback would like the Fetish Fantasy Extreme Clit 'n Tit Power Pump while the governor, wearing the Fetish Fantasy Doggie Hood, is balls deep in latex boobs with his Pipedream Extreme Fuck My Big Fat Titties headless bust. Extreme masturbation is the best kind.

Of course, the kicker to this is the defense that the Kansas Department of Revenue offered when Democrats said, "Umm, that's kind of fucked-up." Said a spokesperson for the governor, "The state cannot legally destroy the property." That's right. Kansas, a state with some of the harshest anti-abortion laws in the nation, can't get rid of the property it says it doesn't want. The state is forced to keep the thousands of sex toys or sell them.

And that, dear readers, is even more ironic than a man named "Brownback" selling butt plugs.


American History X, Y, and Z

The Rude Pundit was taught American history in his sophomore year of high school in south Louisiana by a crisply-dressed, porn-stache sporting Vietnam vet who drank coffee constantly, smoked every chance he got, and never, ever blinked. The first day of class, he took a dollar bill out of his pressed shirt's pocket and held it up. "This is what the history of the United States is about," he said. And while he taught what the book and the curriculum demanded, he never let us forget that the events that shaped the nation had less to do with a valiant march for "freedom" as a vague concept and more to do with the freedom to make money and all that followed.

When we got to a war, we skipped the battles, only studying what caused the war and what happened after it ended. That was all that mattered, Mr. Landry said: "In the battles, some people killed other people. That's all." It wasn't a wildly radical class by any stretch. It was tightly-controlled, sometimes tedious and boring, like most high school classes, but we ended up with an appreciation for how much fucking work it took to get us here. But we had no illusions that the work was done just by noble explorers and liberty-loving prophets, but that it was done by scoundrels and bastards, slave owners and abusive industrialists. Just as much, we learned that leaps forward happened only because some people were willing to put their asses on the line to make them happen.

In Jefferson County, Colorado, students walked out of class Monday at Evergreen High School to protest the conservative school board's proposed perversion of the advanced placement American history curriculum. It was an act of civil disobedience because the board is considering a proposal that would ensure that students learn from materials that "'promote citizenship, patriotism, essentials and benefits of the free-market system, respect for authority and respect for individual rights' and don't 'encourage or condone civil disorder, social strife or disregard of the law.'" You know, history. Last Friday, two schools had to close after teachers staged a sick-out to protest the proposed changes, as well as other problems.

Of course, Fox "news" titled its online article about the walkout "Hundreds of Colorado students protest history curriculum changes that would promote patriotism" to make it sound like there's a bunch of America-hating teenagers who would rather learn about the Black Panthers than the signers of the Declaration of Independence. (Difference? The signers liked whores and alcohol a whole lot more than the Black Panthers did.)

The protests are growing, though. Yesterday, they had spread to more schools. Today, even more students walked out of schools in the Denver suburbs. That's because, more than the conservative toads on the school board, the students understand history and that dissent is one of the most patriotic things you can do.

Now, you might read, say, board member Julie Williams press release in response to the protests, where she echoes every right wing nutzoid blog's talking points: "Let me give you some examples of who is omitted: Jefferson, Adams, Madison, Franklin with not even a mention of Martin Luther King, Jr. who was on the forefront of the civil rights movement. It ignores lessons on the Boston Tea Party, Lexington, Jefferson’s First Inaugural Address, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address and the list continues…" And you might think, "Wow, that sounds pretty horrible. Students should learn those things."

Except here's the deal: This is AP History. It ain't beginner stuff. Besides, who is going to leave out Benjamin Franklin and MLK when teaching history? As the designers of the curriculum said in an August letter, "Based on feedback from other AP teachers outside the Curriculum Development and Assessment Committee, we did not think it necessary to specifically identify Martin Luther King, Jr., among the post-war 'civil rights activists' mentioned in the framework. Any United States History course would of course include King as well as other major figures such as Benjamin Franklin and Dwight Eisenhower." In other words, don't be fucking idiots. It's a "framework." And it gives you the groups, ideas, and people you might not otherwise cover. Besides, "[t]hese and many other figures of U.S. history did not appear in the previous AP framework, either, yet teachers have always understood the need to teach them."

Yeah, conservative fuckheads, it's not a radical shift. You just have an outrage machine that needs to be constantly pumped with bullshit. Except this time you got called on it by the very students and teachers you are affecting.

On Friday, the group JeffCo Students Defending History are calling on an awesome protest to take place: "On Friday, September 26th, we invite all Jeffco students and teachers to go to school dressed as, representing a historical figure or movement that created 'civil disorder, social strife or disregard of the law...' and by doing so made our country and world a better place."

If it happens, someone send the Rude Pundit pictures. It's gonna be beautiful and more patriotic than a thousand teabaggers proclaiming they know history.


Note to Iraq War Supporters: Eat Shit and Then We Can Talk About ISIS

You know, every now and then, the Rude Pundit thinks, "Hmm. There's a chance these Islamic State goatfuckers are genuinely worth attacking." He knows, he knows, Christ, he knows that we are being played by our leaders. We always are, to an extent. But if the Axis of Oil (Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Bahrain, and Jordan) is sufficiently spooked to actually stop abusing women and outsiders for a few minutes to "join" with the United States to attack ISIS and this other group - Khorasan? The fuck? - then maybe this is real.

That's every now and then because it's easy to fall into the propaganda rabbit hole. It takes a fuck of a lot of effort to keep your skepticism when everything around you screams, "Armageddon, motherfucker, armageddon all over your face." It's especially hard to think about jumping on the "Bomb the hell out of them" train when so many of the people who are telling us to hurry up before the caboose passes are the same mud-coated piglets who lied to us or were conduits for the lies that got us into the Iraq clusterfuck in the first place, which, as we know, is one of the reasons we're waist deep in the big dusty again.

(By the way, the fact that the Rude Pundit never believed for one second that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and knew that Saddam Hussein was the grenade pin of his country makes him take seriously these queasy little doubts creeping into his brain about ISIS.)

So here's what needs to happen if any of us are to believe, not just mildly suspect, that ISIS is actually worth more blood, more destruction, more fucked-up soldiers, more money.

Each Iraq "war" supporter who now believes that ISIS is a threat to the United States has to sit down at a very nicely-decorated table, like with flowers and a tablecloth and napkins folded like birds and silver silverware and crystal wine glasses, all Martha Stewarted out, like with a fuckin' centerpiece, even. And someone dressed in a Marine uniform has to come out with a covered plate, one with a shiny dome on top that reads, "Iraq War," place it before, for example, John McCain and Lindsey Graham, some gung-ho motherfuckers with a constant battle boner, and expertly whip off the dome to reveal a giant plate of shit. Then John McCain and Lindsey Graham have to eat that plate of shit, all of it. When they finish, when they can look at one of the TV cameras they are so exhibitionistically fond of, faces covered in shit smears, and say, "Okay. We've eaten our plate of Iraq War shit. Now can we talk about ISIS?" Then and only then, yes, they are allowed to speak about action against the Islamic State.

That's the way it's gotta be, across the board. You supported the Iraq "war"? You want to get all bloodthirsty about this one? Eat the plate of shit. Gobble it down, assholes. You earned each and every turd in there.

The Rude Pundit still ain't gonna give this new war the high, hard love hug right now, maybe not ever. Not when all of a sudden there's this al-Qaeda splinter, Khorasan, which makes it seem like the attack on ISIS was just an excuse to go after this super-secret supervillain society. Not when the White House estimates only 20-30 Americans might be fighting in Syria, not necessarily for ISIS. Not when this looks like the start of another endless war. Not when we were supposed to have moved beyond all of this, finally.

It's gotta be frustrating for President Obama. Here he is, one of the only politicians who doesn't have a steaming heap of shit waiting for him to spoon up. He's the clean one among the shit-eaters, knowing that if the shit-eaters didn't exist, he'd be able to say, with clear conscience, "Look, these are evil fuckers who have to be stopped." But most of the country needs to pull up to the table before this whole thing will seem legitimate.


Climate March: If All the Trees Fell in the Forest...

So 310,000 or so people marched in New York City yesterday, calling for action of some kind to address climate change. It was an officially sanctioned, widely-advertised, well-funded protest. To all who participated, awesome. If you've never been to a giant march before, it's bracing in a way that few things are. You are surrounded by people who believe the same as you, you learn that you are not alone, and you discover a few new things, like how to argue your views and that, however radical you thought you were, drum circles are fucking idiotic and put the fuckin' things away already. Tolerance only goes so far, and someone's gonna end up with a giant puppet up his ass.

Of course, the people who were there felt amazing about it. How could you not? And, of course, it was barely covered by the news networks. Maybe if a dozen fucknuts wearing colonial drag and open-carrying machine guns while riding on their Rascal scooters had been part of it, it would have been 24/7, motherfuckers, 24/7, with a goddamned countdown clock leading up to it. The most extensive coverage was from Al-Jazeera America, The Guardian, and Democracy Now, and two of those aren't even from this country originally.

The Rude Pundit will admit feeling more than a little cynical about the march. If it's the start of some sustained action, groovy. Certainly, today's "Flood Wall Street" protest and semi-occupation are a good deal more radical but those are still getting all the attention of a flea fart in a hurricane.

And that's because why bother, huh? Especially when the march is endorsed by, for example, the Climate Group, which counts as its members Duke Energy, known for coal ash and pollution, and, for everyone flooding Wall Street right now, Goldman Sachs. Yes, it does do some good for the environment, but it does so with the tacit approval of those it should be dismantling. It's like if Batman asked the Joker if it's ok if he takes down Mr. Freeze.

The other problem is that, for the most part, Americans fall into two camps: Don't give a fat monkey fuck about climate change or don't understand it, don't believe it, and won't lift a fucking finger to help. Change a chunk of minds there and we've got a chance. The Rude Pundit couldn't help but think that if everyone who spent money on signs and plane and bus tickets and more had pooled that for ads in congressional campaigns across the country, the effect might have been even greater.

You wanna do something about climate change other than take a nice walk on a pretty nice, if a bit humid, day? You better make sure that the House turns Democratic and then you better make sure that the Senate doesn't have more than 40 dumbfucks on global warming. If you don't vote climate denialists out, then fuck it, we're done here.

To go further, frankly, Chris Hedges is right when he said, as he did in August, "Play by the rules and we lose." Or as he said this past Saturday, "We will have to speak in the language of ... revolution. We will have to carry out acts of civil disobedience that seek to cripple the mechanisms of corporate power. The corporate elites, blinded by their lust for profit and foolish enough to believe they can protect themselves from climate change, will not veer from our path towards ecocide unless they are forced from power. And this means the beginning of a titanic clash between our corporate masters and ourselves."

But even that is dreaming. Right now, the corporate/government state is so entrenched in silencing real dissent, real revolutionary voices, that anyone who tried genuine radical action would immediately be punished. And everyone else will get so distracted when the iPhone 7, 8, 9, infinity comes out that they won't notice that they are wading through water or walking in deserts that used to be our cities to get to the Apple store first.

Frankly, the bigger news might be that the Rockefeller Brothers Fund plans to divest itself of anything fossil fuel-related, to the tune of $50 billion. That's real money, even by oil company standards, and it might be a sign that the way to attack the climate change problem is, as ever, to follow the (heaps of) money.


Back Monday

The juicy rudeness will be back on Monday. 

In case you're wondering, the colleague who had a stroke is at the beginning of a very long road with an unsure destination. But he will have all manner of scarecrows, tin men, and lions to accompany him. 


No Post Today (Perhaps. Who the Fuck Knows)

Two things happened:
1. The Rude Pundit realized that more people are upset that Apple put a free U2 album in their iTunes than were ever upset about the NSA spying on our phone calls and email. In fact, probably more people are pissed about the U2 album than are upset about the abusive monsters in the NFL. So, yeah, fuck all of us on that.

2. A respected colleague just had a stroke in front of the Rude Pundit. He's a little freaked. So, yeah, go suck a dick for a day, ISIS, GOP, religious nutzoids. There's other shit to think about.


Your State Sucks: What the Hell Is Wrong With You, Pennsylvania?

Where to start, where to start with just a couple of days worth of notable awful violence in the...what? Cheesesteak State? Is that right? Anyways, we've had a spurt of stupid committed by assholes acting in exactly the way you'd expect assholes to act. Let's go chronologically:

1. On Thursday, September 11 (never forget, motherfuckers), a large group of drunken shit stains beat up a gay couple in Center City, Philadelphia, which is, as you might imagine, downtown. The aforementioned sentient skid marks, all in their 20s, called the male couple, "You dirty faggots," and, like brave young people before and after them, piled on, punching and kicking the men. "One of the men had to undergo surgery and have his jaw wired shut; the other suffered bone fractures and cuts to his face." It was two against seven or eight, and then one of the puke chunks took the wallet of one of the attacked men.

It's not entirely relevant, but it should be noted that these drunken fucks all went to Archbishop Wood Catholic High School. Because anyone who went there should be proud.

This one has a semi-happy ending. Seems that a video surveillance camera got images of the merry crew of wasted sperm trotting along after the assault. Seems like someone got a photo of them at the restaurant they had been to that night. Seems like someone recognized the restaurant. Seems like someone found out who had checked in at that restaurant on Facebook. Seems like they also found out who had homophobic shit all over their profile. Seems like fucking idiots don't understand privacy settings on Facebook. Seems like a bunch of shit stains are about to go to jail while the two men they beat nearly to death attempt to heal.

2. Eric Michael Frein's father wants us to know that his son is such a good marksmen with a rifle that he "doesn't miss." That's why he was able to come from his home in Canadensis, PA, nestled in the taint of the Poconos, on Friday and shoot and kill one state trooper and injure another outside their station in Blooming Grove. In 90 seconds, he had gunned them both down, one getting off his shift and another coming on. A hunt is on for Frein, who is described as a "survivalist" in that he ain't gonna die easily in the woods.

Of course, another word for Frein, if we're honest here, is "terrorist." He's white, yeah, but still a terrorist. Frein "made statements about wanting to kill law enforcement officers and also to commit mass acts of murder," according to the state police commissioner. He was "fascinated with firearms" and, according to the commissioner, "has very strong feelings about law enforcement and seems to be very angry with a lot of things that are going on in our society." He was also once part of a group of World War II reenactors. He was on the German side, but, we're assured, no neo-Nazi shit was allowed.

Does the FBI attempt to infiltrate survivalist groups or forums online? Does it try to tempt the easily influenced out into the open and then arrest them when they seem they might act? Or is that just reserved for the fake brown terrorists they mostly end up setting up for prosecution?

"Frein has held anti-law enforcement views for many years and has expressed them both online and to people who knew him," said a state police lieutenant. To anyone who knew Frein, he said, this act was not a surprise.

3. On Monday, in northeast Philadelphia, a man came home to his apartment and saw a 20 year-old man hiding next to the bed of his 20 year-old daughter. Charles Jordan did what any father would do in that situation. He shot the 20 year-old in head and killed him because fuck you, shoot first and ask questions later. Dad said he thought it was an intruder who didn't listen to his command to stay down. A neighbor said the daughter, Brenda, yelled, "No, daddy, no!" Because, see, it turns out that victim Marc Carrion was Brenda's friend, possibly even boyfriend, who lived nearby and had given her a ride home from her job.

But this is America, goddamnit, and everyone is a suspect.


Toothless Hicks Agree: We Love Obamacare, Wish a White Man Had Signed It

So the New York Times interviewed people in Kentucky who have taken advantage of one part or another of the Affordable Care Act, especially the expansion of Medicaid. Robin Evans, a 49 year-old with high blood pressure and Graves' disease, is just "tickled to death" to have insurance coverage, which she had gone without for years. Of course, she's gonna vote Mitch McConnell out of office since he has made it his mission to repeal the ACA. Said Evans, "Born and raised Republican...I ain’t planning on changing now."

Sorry, what now?

That's right. The backwards ass country fucks who have benefited the most, the hillbillies who are such stereotypes that Pappy Yokum would feel ashamed, don't give a pile of horse shit that it was Democrats and Barack Obama who made it possible for them to live, purely and simply. They don't like the President. And if you don't think his race has nothing to do with it, then you have never been to Kentucky.

It's a shame, too, because the state is one of the biggest successes, thanks to the Democratic governor's embrace of Obamacare. "The uninsured rate here has fallen to 11.9 percent from 20.4 percent," says one Gallup survey. And despite the fact that Democrats alone are responsible for expanding Medicaid to cover people like Teri Eisenmenger's adult daughter, they are still going to vote Republicans because they hate Obama. So they won't vote for Senate candidate Alison Grimes because they can't stand that a white woman supports a black man.

And that's the greatest motherfucking cosmic joke here: "there is little evidence that the expansion of health coverage will help Kentucky Democrats in this fall’s midterm elections" because obviously Kentuckians are ungrateful fucks who you just want to let loose on and say, "Go fuck yourself. We're taking the diabetes treatment and the lung disease medicine and heading somewhere more hospitable."

But the Rude Pundit can't help but think that Democrats have no one to blame but themselves here. For months, they bought into the Republican lies that the ACA was going to be a huge failure and didn't defend it when it needed defending the most. So even though Gov. Steven Beshear was a huge advocate, many Democrats allowed the narrative to be set by Fox "news" and by the goddamned cowards in our own party.

So here we are, at what should be a triumphant moment, and, instead, we get to watch the very people Democrats wanted to help spit on them and then go complain about Benghazi or the IRS or whatever other spoon-fed bullshit distracts them from reality.


Graham with the Wind

Flouncing debutante Lindsey Graham, always sounding like he's pining for Ashley Wilkes, went on Fox "news" Sunday yesterday with substitute host John "Not the Supreme Court Justice" Roberts. Graham lost his pretty little mind when it came to the Islamic State (ISIS, ISIL, whatever, fuck 'em). Talking about President Obama's response to the terrorist group's violence, Graham said, "This is a turning point in the war in terror. We're fighting a terrorist army, not an organization. It's going to take an army to beat an army. And this idea we'll never have any boots on the ground to defeat them in Syria is fantasy. And all this has come home to roost over the last three years of incompetent decisions, so to destroy ISIL, what I was told or what I heard in your interview won't even come close to destroy ISIL. It's delusional in the way they approach this."

You really have to watch or listen to it to get the full feeling, like he just needs to make a dress out of those curtains to look pretty for his man. It's also fun to see Democratic Senator Jack Reed try to rationally state a case for the United States to act in the way Obama laid out.

Graham would have none of it. "This is a radical Islamic army, that's pushing the theory of a master religion, not a master race like the Nazis. This is not about bringing a few people to justice who behead the innocent in a brutal fashion. It's about protecting millions of people throughout the world from a radical Islamic army," the good Senator from South Car'lina said. And, goddamnit, the brutes are gonna burn Atlanta: "they will open the gates of hell to spill out on the world." Prissy would slapped his face and told him to calm the fuck down.

What does Graham want? He wants soldiers, American soldiers, on the ground, not just in the air: "I will not let this president suggest to the American people we can outsource our security and this is not about our safety. There is no way in hell you can form an army on the ground to go into Syria, to destroy ISIL without a substantial American component...This is a war we're fighting, it is not a counterterrorism operation."

Not once did Roberts suggest that because Graham was such a huge supporter of the previous war, which is what brought us ISIL in the first place, that he should shut his fucking mouth. In fact, Graham wants you to know that he's always correct: "Apparently nobody has been listening to what Senator McCain and I have been saying for the last three years. We said train the Free Syrian Army so they can take this fight on." Well, maybe we can put a self-destruct timer on the weapons we give them so that they're not used on us in few years, like the Mujahideen and Saddam Hussein did.

More dead and injured Americans, that's what Graham is calling for. It's not enough that nearly an entire generation of soldiers will have had their brains fucked by their war experiences. Now he wants more. It's like he has a fetish for visiting wounded soldiers, like he needs to go to Walter Reed and touch the boys on their stumps, hear their labored breathing, smell the gels used on their burns, exult in their nightmares, like he just wants to go home after and gently, oh, so gently touch himself, just enough to get a hard-on, not enough to orgasm, just a finger or two stroking his dick as he gets lost in the sensory overload, like Scarlett fantasizing about getting roughly balled by Rhett Butler.



Why the Rude Pundit Won't Be Mocking the Brawlin' Palins

So the Rude Pundit was doing research to write up a snarky little piece and join in the dogpile on internet video star Sarah Palin and her family getting into some kind of stupid, drunken fight with stupid, drunken people at a stupid, drunken party over something stupid and, you know, drunken and probably involving snowmobile jousting or some such stupid, drunken bullshit that you do when you live in Alaska, you're drunk and stupid, and the thrill has gone out of shooting things.

Yeah, he was gonna go to town like everyone else in Left Blogsylvania, take the easy, merry route out on a Friday afternoon. He doesn't blame anyone for doing so. And then while checking out an article on the fisticuffs in the Alaska Dispatch News, he saw another article. It pretty much ended any hope of going comically into that gentle weekend light.

Here's the story: "[I]n 2007, Sgt. Melissa Jones was a 27-year-old specialist in her third year in the Alaska guard and hoping to go to flight school to learn to pilot helicopters. Late one weekend night, she and a group of about 15 -- fellow guardsmen and their boyfriends and girlfriends -- went to Chilkoot Charlie’s. After a couple of drinks, she said, she felt funny and decided to go home.

"Very little was clear after that, and she thinks her drink was drugged. She believes she took a taxi back to her apartment in East Anchorage. Someone else got in -- either with her, or through an unlocked door. She said she was raped multiple times but didn’t want to give details of what happened. She doesn’t know if the assaults were committed by soldiers, guardsmen or civilians."

Horrible enough, yes, but then there's what happened after. After explaining to her supervising sergeant why she was late the next day, she was advised to go talk to the chaplain. The chaplain then told her commander, who told Jones he'd have to tell her first sergeant what had happened. The reason you know Jones's name is because, as she learned after coming back from a week off to recover, the information about her rape had been leaked and pretty much everyone on base knew about it. Jones said that the sexual assault response coordinator’s office wouldn’t take her complaint “because my story had been made public." She received no treatment services and, two months later, was deployed to Iraq with three dozen other members of the Alaska guard, most of whom knew what had happened to her, perhaps even having been there or done it.

A federal investigation into the Alaska National Guard, requested by Gov. Sean Parnell (who is actually finishing his first term) and released last week, found fraud, ethical misconduct, and other problems. It also found egregious failures when it came to the treatment of victims of rape: "Since 2006, the Alaska National Guard has received 37 reports of sexual assault, some of which were investigated by the Guard but most of which were referred to local law enforcement. The report found that from 2007 to 2011, the Alaska National Guard did not manage sexual assault cases well. Records were not properly maintained or tracked, victims and leaders often were not given case updates, victims were not offered treatment services, and victim information was not kept as confidential as it should have been." Because of this, many victims did not come forward because they feared their rape being made public, as well as believing that nothing would happen. "A culture of mistrust" exists in the Alaska Guard, the report says.

The commander of the Alaska National Guard resigned last week because someone had to take the fall. It's a start.

But, yeah, sure, it's hysterical that the appalling Sarah Palin and her appalling family have finally fallen back into the habits of dishonorable thugs. It's more important that that attitude also fucks with the lives of women who made the mistake of thinking they could serve their country and be treated with respect.


9/11 Doesn't Want to Always Be Your Excuse

9/11 was sitting in her apartment in the early evening yesterday when there was a knock on the door. Just home from a day at the office, she had only five minutes ago taken off her shoes and was getting ready for a long evening finally catching up on Orange Is the New Black and downing leftover Chinese food and drinking a decent Pinot. She sighed and went to the door. When she looked through the peephole, her heart sunk. Men in suits. They had come to get her, she knew.

She thought about running, but 9/11 knew there was nowhere she could go. They always found her. She had hoped against hope that, despite all the phone calls she ignored, they would leave her be this time. But no, no. They knocked again. "C'mon, 9/11, we know you're there," said the nice one. There was always a nice one. This would inevitably be followed by the mean one.

"You whore bitch, get your ass out here," he said, the mean one. "Your president needs you."

She opened the door and said, "Let me get my shoes," thinking she'd be treated as well as she had always been by this president, usually the kind lover. Before she could turn, there was a bag over her head and a needle in her arm. She blacked out quickly.

When 9/11 awoke, she had had her clothes changed. She was wearing a thong and tassels, high heels and a green crown. Someone shoved a fake torch in her hand and pushed her into the hallway. There 9/11 was standing in front of the cameras with the president speaking. "We can’t erase every trace of evil from the world, and small groups of killers have the capacity to do great harm," the president said. "That was the case before 9/11, and that remains true today. And that’s why we must remain vigilant as threats emerge."

The president nodded at her. She knew the routine. She started dancing, slowly gyrating, shaking her ass, thrusting out her twat, spinning the tassels on her tits, drunkenly wobbling from the drugs they had injected in her. A tear streaked down 9/11's heavily rouged cheek. She had thought it would be different now. She had believed, sincerely believed, that things had changed.

But here was this president announcing bombing in Iraq, destroying terrorists, taking the battle wherever he wanted, and using her as his excuse. 9/11 felt the torch start to buzz. She looked offstage and the two men gesture that she should use it. One of them was already hard. "Tomorrow marks 13 years since our country was attacked," the president said and that was her cue to start using the vibrator. She sat on the floor next to the president and spread her legs. She pulled the thong aside, and 9/11 fucked herself with Liberty's torch.

She woke up this morning in her bed, her clothes messily put back on her, pussy aching from how long she rode the torch. She saw images of herself, grotesquely splayed out, fingering her nipples. Everyone on the news was analyzing how much she was a part of the new strategy, the new war that wasn't a war, how well she had performed for the nation. "Used, used, used," she thought. She popped a couple of Adderall and turned the channel, watching the reading of names.

9/11 wishes this was all she was: a symbol of mourning, of loss. That would be so easy. She could comfort the weeping, embrace the loved ones. Instead, she has been returned to whoredom, the mistress of those who are impotent before the tide of violence they created. They blame 9/11, but it's always easy to blame the slut. It's always easy to find people who think the slut deserves it.


GOP to Obama: Please Go to War So We Can Stop Looking Like Assholes

You know how it goes. You do something stupid. Say you drunk drove your car into a ditch and broke your nose or you got caught fucking a guy's husband and the dude broke your nose or you lost your job because you stole a ream of paper and on the way out you broke your nose on the door. Stupid shit that you didn't have to do, but you did it anyways, and now you've got no car, no job, no fuckmate, and a broken goddamn nose. Everyone has a right to call you an asshole because, well, hell, man, you are. It sucks hard donkey dick, but there is one thing that can set the world right. That's if the very people who call you an asshole do something as bad or worse. So if Jennifer two cubicles over who pointed out what a douche you are ends up driving her car into a telephone pole one night after an office party, that shit's gold. If Johnny fucks Jimmy's wife and gets caught? Or if Jasper gets fired for scanning his balls and sending a PDF of them to the boss? Oh, sweet Jesus, that's what you need. All of a sudden, you're not the asshole because, if everyone's an asshole, then the ground has been leveled and someone has to do something new to become the new total asshole.

Maybe you could belong to a political party whose president led the country into a disastrous, useless war. Maybe you're someone who supported that war even long, long after most people had realized it was a clusterfuck on top of a shitstorm. If that's you, then you are down on your goddamn knees, begging God or Christ or Allah or whoever or no one that tonight, Barack Obama will announce that he's going in big on defeating the Islamic State, ISIS, ISIL, you know, the beheading fuckers. You are willing to blow whoever needs to be blown, eat out whoever needs to be eaten out, whatever it takes because you, dear Republican, need Obama to monumentally fuck-up. And you need Obama to monumentally fuck-up in Iraq. Because, see, if that happens, then you can use his failure to wipe the shit stains of Bush and Cheney off you. Hey, we all fucked-up on Iraq now. Sucks for all the dead people, but groovy for us.

That desperate need to get Obama tied up in a new quagmire has been driving the right-wing hysteria over the Islamic State, and they've made sure that the hysterics have spread to the mainstream media. On CNN's New Day, big-toothed forehead, Chris Cuomo, informed us that "a new poll shows Americans are terrified about the threat of ISIS attacks here at home."

We're fuckin' terrified, man. Cover your heads, women. Grow your beards, men. Buy more guns. Shoot more dark people. Fuck a chicken for Jesus. Whatever you need to do because we're "terrified."

The Rude Pundit just wants to get this right: You mean the terrorist group is terrifying us? Because, you know, that's exactly what they want. You don't have to be a fancy etymologist to know that "terrorist" and "terrify" both come from the same root. And if they do terrify us into doing dumb things that only terrified people do, then they win, no? Goal accomplished.

Yeah, it's fuckin' scary when you see someone dressed like a desert ninja cut the head off an American. It's violent and awful, but, to an extent, it's a big act put on precisely to make us behave irrationally. And, as Glenn Greenwald (yeah, him. So?) points out, we do a pretty good job of terrifying the shit out of people in that region with our doom missiles.

Just to get this right: Our fucking about in the Middle East and North Africa gave rise to al-Qaeda, which lashed out with the 9/11 attacks, so we went to war and then moved on to drone murder, causing more people to join the jihadi movement, which led to the rise of ISIL and its attacks, and so there are some who think the best strategy is for the United States to bomb the shit out of them and use ground troops because that's worked so well.

And that's not because ISIL did anything to the United States. They killed a couple of us, yeah, but they did that overseas. They haven't even Benghazied anything. They sure haven't attacked us. And we're shitting ourselves. We have learned nothing.

Hopefully, Obama's message tonight will include some measure of "Chill the fuck out" along with how bomby we're gonna get.

And then Republicans can ream him for not getting bomby enough and for being a pussy because if there's one thing Americans do well, it's get fooled - by the terrorists and by the warmongers.


How Fucked the Climate Is in Two Photos (Updated)

Hey, kids, here's what's going on in Yosemite National Park. It's a wildfire. It ain't the biggest fire ever, or even this year in California, but it's burning some nice places.

Down the road about 650 miles, just one state over, Phoenix, Arizona is experiencing its worst flooding in, like, ever.

Fire and floods, motherfuckers, fires and floods. Biblical shit right there. Need more?

The fucked climate is fucking over the birds, too. Yeah, the habitats and migratory routes of more than half the bird species in the United States are under the global warming gun. The drought in California wiped out 90-95% of all the raptor nests. No baby hawks, no baby eagles, no baby falcons.

At least this way when people tell you that marching to protest inaction on climate change, as we are going to do on Sunday, is for the birds, you can answer, "Yes. And the people, too."

Update: And also out today: Greenhouse gases are increasing at an even faster rate. "Experts warned that the world was 'running out of time' to reverse rising levels of carbon dioxide (CO2) to tackle climate change." Of course, we'll do nothing, fucking ourselves and our children even more.


Torture Apologist Marc Thiessen: Bush Was "Right" About Something He Was Totally Wrong About

No, no, no, no, no, and fuck no, Marc Thiessen, torture advocate and Washington Post columnist. You don't get to fucking write something fucking titled, "George W. Bush was right about Iraq pullout." You don't get to fucking say that fucking George fucking Bush can say, "I told you so" about anything having to do with Iraq. Just because every night you sit with a cocked pistol in your mouth, trying to think of reasons not to pull the trigger, it does not give you the fucking right to fucking rewrite history, you simpering, shit-sucking, soulless son of a bitch, and by "bitch," the Rude Pundit means your fucking mother.

Thiessen smugly thinks that Bush gets to be smug because in a July 12, 2007 news conference, Bush warned about all kinds of terrible shit that would happen if the United States withdrew troops from Iraq. "It would mean surrendering the future of Iraq to al-Qaeda. It would mean that we’d be risking mass killings on a horrific scale. It would mean we’d allow the terrorists to establish a safe haven in Iraq to replace the one they lost in Afghanistan," Bush said. So Thiessen then gleefully lists the ways that Iraq has turned into a hellhole compared to the paradise of figs and pussy it would have been had the United States not withdrawn.

If Bush had quit right then and there, if he had finished that press conference and said, "Fuck ya'll, I'm done," well, motherfuck, Thiessen might have a point.

But our national anal rape by George W. Bush still had another year-and-a-half to go, and, goddamn, if things didn't change in late 2008. That was when, in November, Iraq's parliament passed a Status of Forces Agreement that said that American troops had to get the fuck out by the end of 2011. But don't take the Rude Pundit's word for it. Here's what the actual agreement said: "All the United States Forces shall withdraw from all Iraqi territory no later than December 31, 2011." Oh, and "The United States recognizes the sovereign right of the Government of Iraq to request the departure of the United States Forces from Iraq at any time."

You know who praised the vote? George motherfuckin' Bush, who said, "Today’s vote affirms the growth of Iraq’s democracy and increasing ability to secure itself. Two years ago this day seemed unlikely — but the success of the surge and the courage of the Iraqi people set the conditions for these two agreements to be negotiated and approved by the Iraqi Parliament."

You know who signed the agreement? George motherfuckin' Bush. In a joint appearance in Baghdad with then-President Nouri al-Maliki in December 2008, Bush said, "We're also signing a Security Agreement, sometimes called a Status of Forces Agreement. The agreement provides American troops and Defense Department officials with authorizations and protections to continue supporting Iraq's democracy once the U.N. mandate expires at the end of this year. This agreement respects the sovereignty and the authority of Iraq's democracy. The agreement lays out a framework for the withdrawal of American forces in Iraq -- a withdrawal that is possible because of the success of the surge."

Yeah, Bush was acting like this was the last great thing he would do before leaving for his painting career, like a Hitler in reverse. He continued, "With these agreements, Mr. Prime Minister, we're honoring the sacrifices that I just described in the best possible way -- by building a freer, safer, and more hopeful world. By signing these agreements we're showing the people of Iraq the United States of America keeps its word. And we are showing the people of the Middle East that America stands firmly for liberty and justice and peace."

Finally, yes, oh, goddamn, Bush said something that was completely and utterly the opposite of that 2007 quote that Thiessen parades around with like a toddler boy with hard-on: "And we are leaving the next President with a stable foundation for the future, and an approach that can enjoy broad bipartisan support at home." You got that? No horror, no terrorist safe havens. Stability. Bush signed the agreement that withdrew the troops, and he said everything was on the road to cool now.

It doesn't get any fucking clearer than that. The troops came home because Bush signed off on it. President Obama would have violated a signed agreement and the word of the United States if he hadn't withdrawn all troops (even if he tried to negotiate a force to remain behind). If there is chaos in Iraq now, it's because of Bush.

By the way, the point of this is not that the troops should have stayed in Iraq. The point is that we shouldn't have been there in the first place. That's what Bush and Thiessen are totally, utterly, unforgivably wrong about.


Dear David Brooks: A Beheading Is a Beheading Is a Beheading

Here's an actual paragraph from an actual writer for the actual New York Times: "But the revulsion aroused by beheading is mostly a moral revulsion. A beheading feels like a defilement. It’s not just an injury or a crime. It is an indignity. A beheading is more like rape, castration or cannibalism. It is a defacement of something sacred that should be inviolable."

Yes, that's right. In his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "Dingleberries of pop psychology plopped in a conservative crapper"), David Brooks spends a good bit of time exploring why the beheading of James Foley and Steven Sotloff by the Islamic State is so shocking. Now, you might say, "Umm, because they cut their fuckin' heads off?" But fuck you, you fucking plebe; you have not read books and David Brooks has. And those books say things have meaning so meaning he shall show you.

"But what is this sacred thing that is being violated?" he ponders ponderously before answering anally (now there's some assonance - boo-yah!), "Well, the human body is sacred. Most of us understand, even if we don’t think about it, or have a vocabulary to talk about it these days, that the human body is not just a piece of meat or a bunch of neurons and cells. The human body has a different moral status than a cow’s body or a piece of broccoli."

You may read that and, like the Rude Pundit, think, "Who are you arguing with, Davy? Where is this person who believes that humans and broccoli compare favorably? We eat broccoli. Does this have something to do with the cannibalism?" And, by the way, "Well, the human body is sacred" has to be the least impressive way of stating something that has seemingly mystical meaning. He may as well have written, "Dude, the body is like...yeah." Actually, that's deeper because it implies that some things cannot be understood.

Not David Brooks though. He understands it all. Let him explain further: "We’re repulsed by a beheading because the body has a spiritual essence. The human head and body don’t just live and pass along genes. They paint, make ethical judgments, savor the beauty of a sunset and experience the transcendent. The body is material but surpasses the material. It’s spiritualized matter." Someone's been into Maureen Dowd's candy bowl (and, no, that's not a sexual reference).

Just to summarize: Beheading is bad because it removes your head from your body and then you can't paint.

The Rude Pundit is all about interpreting the world around him, reading it like it's a middle-period Fellini film, a phantasmagoria of symbols and meaning and half-nude dwarfs. But sometimes the distance between the thing itself and its larger meaning is pretty short. Two innocent men having their heads cut off by a crazy asshole with a knife? You don't need to mourn the non-painting, non-sunset-watching souls to think, "Man, that shit's fucked up. And the people who did it are even more fucked up." And despite Brooks insistence that the deaths are different, if the ISIS fucknut had shot them in the face, it'd still be just as fucked up.

Brooks is after some larger point about spirituality and...you know what? Who the fuck cares. It's utter garbage, on philosophical, theological, and ontological levels. All the column is really about is Brooks is grossed out by beheadings and he desperately needs there to be more to it than that.

As if that isn't enough.


Judge Martin Feldman Is a Little Bitch

Yesterday, U.S. District Judge Martin Feldman ruled that Louisiana's LGB (we'll get to T later) citizens can go fuck themselves when it comes to same-sex marriage. In his decision, Feldman was Scalia-like in the forthrightness of his nearly cosmic bitchiness upholding the state's constitutional amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman. He's such a little bitch about it, you gotta believe that he stands on corners, like a little bitch, just yippin' at the gay couples that walk by.

Other will go into the vast array of problems the decision has on a legal basis. But the Rude Pundit wants you to enjoy the best lines a little bitch of a judge can offer to defend his ludicrous, little bitch position.

"[I]n this Court's judgment, defendants assert a legitimate state interest in safeguarding that fundamental social change, in this instance, is better cultivated through democratic consensus. This Court agrees," Feldman writes. And then he lists every case that this one "runs counter to." Let's not even get into the endless social change that has been the result of the judiciary and not "democratic consensus." Maybe we can start with Brown v. Board of Education and go from there.

He contines, "Louisiana's laws and Constitution are directly related to achieving marriage's historically preeminent purpose of linking children to their biological parents." Well, no. Historically, marriage was a property covenant, although maybe Feldman is thinking of the old southern tradition of the shotgun wedding.

Feldman couldn't give a greasy dildo's worth of a damn about "the opinion of a set of social scientists (ardently disputed by many others, it should be noted) that other associative forms may be equally stable, or the view that such judgments vilify a group." Ain't no "scientists" who "research" "things" gonna tell Loozyanna that you're an ignorant country fuck if you oppose same sex marriage. He doesn't care a bit about "the fact that the state's precepts work to one group's disadvantage" because that group's queer.

And you can shove your desire for equal protection up your gay asses: "Because this Court concludes that Louisiana's laws are rationally related to its legitimate state interests, as defendants plausibly focus, they do not offend plaintiffs' rights to Equal Protection." You're protected because you don't have access to the protections. If you're prohibited from marrying, then no equal protection for you.

"There is simply no fundamental right, historically or traditionally, to same-sex marriage," Feldman writes. And you always want to base your idea of rights on history and tradition, especially in the slavery-built, worker-exploiting United States.

Feldman thinks that once the people decide it, the courts have no business shoving their noses into everyone's nice discrimination: "This Court has arduously studied the volley of nationally orchestrated court rulings against states whose voters chose in free and open elections, whose legislatures, after a robust, even fractious debate and exchange of competing, vigorously differing views, listened to their citizens regarding the harshly divisive and passionate issue on same-sex marriage."

Towards the end, Feldman gets wistful about the potential future: "Perhaps in a new established point of view, marriage will be reduced to contract law, and, by contract, anyone will be able to claim marriage...must the states permit or recognize a marriage between an aunt and niece? Aunt and nephew? Brother/brother? Father and child? May minors marry? Must marriage be limited to only two people? What about a transgender spouse? Is such a union same-gender or male-female?" (Told ya we'd get to "T.")

Then, in the Rude Pundit's favorite single line of the decision, "Plaintiffs' counsel was unable to answer such kinds of questions." And that's probably because the same-sex marriage proponents were thinking, "What the fuck? This dude is such a little bitch."

Finally, at last, when all else is done, Feldman gets nigh on poetic:
"This Court is powerless to be indifferent to the unknown and possibly imprudent consequences of such a decision.
A decision for which there remains the arena of democratic debate.
Free and open and probing debate.
Indeed, fractious debate."

There will be an appeal. Hopefully, one of the bases for it will be that Feldman is a little bitch.


When It Comes to Hacking, What's the Line Between Heroic and Criminal?

The Rude Pundit gave up cocaine a few years ago for one simple reason: he could no longer abide the violence and exploitation that was part and parcel of the drug trade when it came to blow. He couldn't tell himself that he wasn't in some way giving others license to commit acts of brutality so he could get his buzz on. So he quit and never looked back.

Now, of course, he didn't give up the pot or one or two other substances. But he can do the hypocrite's dance of justification all day long. "Hey, marijuana ain't bad for you," one, two, "Hey, it should be legal," three, four, "Hey, the guy who I buy from is cool." It's a lovely box-step, one that he's happy to do, and the Rude Pundit will tell you endlessly that he's not hurting anyone by his purchase of an illegal substance from someone who claims he gets it from local, non-drug-lord sources.

But, shit and c'mon, the Rude Pundit knows, he knows damn well that his harmless high comes at the price of enabling the whole drug industry. He can pretend to have some moral high ground, but his weed is part of an economy that allows cartels and gangs to exist. It's best not to think about it and just get stoned.

The outrage over the theft of nudie pics of female celebrities is obviously justified. Obviously, it's a violation of privacy. Obviously, it's a crime. Obviously, the women are not to blame for taking photos for people they love or for themselves. And, obviously, it's wrong to hack into someone's account and steal something and disseminate.

But something about the outrage is irksome as hell to him, as if it's the first steps of the justification dance.

See, back a couple of years, when Wikileaks first started releasing the secret and classified documents it received from hacking into government and corporate computers, there was a debate over whether or not the hackers were heroes or criminals. Many of us saw (and still see) them as whistleblowers, revealing the things that have been hidden from us about what our government has done in our name.

In the case of Steubenville, Ohio, hackers from Anonymous were able to steal photos, video, and identity information on the high school football players who raped and abused a teenage girl and the people who helped cover up the crime. The information revealed an abominable culture of sexual assault, leading to protests, online activism, and, ultimately, arrests and convictions (even if the sentences were ludicrously light).

While on the left, we might have felt queasy about how the information was discovered (and how much of it was wrong), the revelations brought out into the open a conversation about the degradation of teen girls by teen boys and those who enable it. On the right, Anonymous was a "lynch mob" that "terrorized" a town.

Let's not even get into what the conservatives (and some on the putative left) think about Wikileaks (the word "execution" comes up often).

In all of these cases, from Wikileaks to credit card numbers to Jennifer Lawrence's photos, the hackers are criminals. It's not that stealing personal naked photos is the same as revealing U.S. troops cold murdered citizens. And it is possible to condemn the one thing while glorifying (or looking the other way on) the other.

But where is the line? If you support the hacking that led to Wikileaks and led to convictions in Steubenville, you've got to accept that there's a hypocrisy you can live with. The same illegal activity that led to those things also led to Arianna Grande's ass becoming currency on Reddit. If you live in a place where the drugs are illegal, then you get your shit by supporting criminals, many of whom happen to do other criminal acts.

The Rude Pundit will be honest: He thinks, "Hell, yeah, you go, hackers" when it comes to Wikileaks and the Steubenville case (errors and all). But like his beloved dope, he recognizes that his support ensures that others use the same tools to steal your tit pics. He tolerates his hypocrisy, and the dope makes that a lot easier.


Resisting the Urge to Burn It All Down

Back during the Iranian hostage crisis (you know, the thing in Argo that no one got rescued from) in 1979, the Rude Pundit's father had a simple solution. "If I were president," he told the Rude Pundit and his Rude Sister, who always listened intently to their father, like cavechildren gathered around the mad elder telling tales in the shadows, "I'd nuke Iran." Now, he wasn't in the "Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" camp. He thought they were idiots. No, Rude Dad had a plan. "I'd phone the families of the hostages and tell them that their loved ones won't suffer, that we will nuke the embassy first. And then I'd turn the entire country into a sheet of black glass." If he were still alive, Rude Dad would probably be hosting a Fox "news" show now.

Even then, even very young, the Rude Pundit thought, "That's some fucked-up thinking right there."

In the wake of terrible things happening to us, to our own, our impulse is to fuck shit up. In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, you could have made a pretty good argument to level the mountains of Tora-Bora and declare it a radioactive graveyard. Now, after the second goddamned public murder of an American journalist by the worthless goatfuckers of the Islamic State, the drumbeat for war, war, war in Iraq and Syria will get deafening. The battle cries of the oh-so-brave politicians and commentators have been yelped over the editorial pages and on the fetid air of right-wing radio and TV.

Which is just what ISIS wants. Down in hell, Osama bin Laden must be slapping his head, thinking, "Holy shit, did these fuckers learn nothing from me wrecking their economy and breaking their foreign policy into a thousand pieces?" The urge to burn it all down is strong. But unless you kill them all - and that means every family member, every ally, every sympathizer far and wide - all you're doing is making them stronger. Martyrs want their martyrdom.

War is their game. You wanna play their game again? For chrissake, the cockmonger who beheaded Steven Sotloff taunted, "I'm back, Obama." It's almost patriotic to want to see that guy forced to eat his own intestines until he chokes or bleeds to death.

Obama is taking it slow, not because he doesn't care or doesn't know or is incompetent or whatever else people on the left and right have been hurling at the White House. It's because that's what you do when you give a fuck about the consequences of your actions. We have hurtled ourselves into the void before. And we ended up here.

Can we figure out a strategy that might actually work, like the air support that helped Iraqi forces break the siege of one town?

Take a breath. Figure out the complexity of the situation (which involves more than crazed Islamic radicals taking over territory and nearly genociding people). 

A little patience, maybe. And perhaps a whole bunch of American snipers.

(Note: This is not the promised piece to piss you off. The Rude Pundit ran out of time today to write that. Tomorrow, good people, tomorrow.)

Late Post Today

The Rude Pundit is buying a nice lunch for the Howling Commandos.

Back later with some rudeness that will probably piss a few of you off. So you have that to look forward to.


A Poem for the Labor Day Laborers

Lowering Your Standards for Food Stamps

By Sheryl Luna

Words fall out of my coat pocket,
soak in bleach water. I touch everyone’s
dirty dollars. Maslow’s got everything on me.
Fourteen hours on my feet. No breaks.
No smokes or lunch. Blank-eyed movements:
trash bags, coffee burner, fingers numb.
I am hourly protestations and false smiles.
The clock clicks its slow slowing.
Faces blur in a stream of  hurried soccer games,
sunlight, and church certainty. I have no
poem to carry, no material illusions.
Cola spilled on hands, so sticky fingered,
I’m far from poems. I’d write of politicians,
refineries, and a border’s barbed wire,
but I am unlearning America’s languages
with a mop. In a summer-hot red
polyester top, I sell lotto tickets. Cars wait for gas
billowing black. Killing time has new meaning.
A jackhammer breaks apart a life. The slow globe
spirals, and at night black space has me dizzy.
Visionaries off their meds and wacked out
meth heads sing to me. A panicky fear of robbery
and humiliation drips with my sweat.
Words some say are weeping twilight and sunrise.
I am drawn to dramas, the couple arguing, the man
headbutting his wife in the parking lot.
911: no metered aubade, and nobody but
myself to blame.

(Got it from Poetry magazine. Great list of work-related poems there, too.)