Note on Spending and Taxation: What's True and Why We Need Obama to Lead:
Few things are more revolting than the self-righteousness of Republicans over the federal deficit and national debt. Karl Rove, a man who should have to spend one day a week standing still so people can kick him in the nuts, recently cavilled in the Wall Street Journal (motto: "Actually, our editorial policy isn't so different since Murdoch bought our ass"), "When Mr. Obama was sworn into office the federal deficit for this year stood at $422 billion. At the end of October, it stood at $1.42 trillion."

This blame-by-association was too much of a lie for the Obama-hating Cato Institute. In a blog entry there, Daniel J. Mitchell declares, "[I]t is inaccurate and/or dishonest to blame [Obama] for Bush’s mistakes." See, we're actually still on Bush's last budget. Got that? The fiscal year 2009 started in October 2008. Barack Obama didn't sign off on that budget. In fact, even incorporating Obama's "waste" (by conservative standards) in cash-for-clunkers, the stimulus, and more, Mitchell says that "only amounted to just a tiny percentage of the FY2009 total — about $140 billion out of a $3.5 trillion budget." Or 4%.

Or, in other words, Karl Rove, as ever, can go fuck himself or fuck whatever gnarled, cloven-hoofed, demi-demon mutant dwarf that would have him.

There's finally creeping talk about the big damn elephant in the room: that we might actually, horror of horrors, have to think about raising taxes in order to get our fiscal house in order, something that was verboten during the Bush administration. Seriously, did George Stephanopoulos's hair ever ask a member of Congress or the Bush White House if we should maybe, perhaps think that, if they wanna throw a huge fuckin' war on America's tab, we oughta pay for it together? Because he did ask Lindsey Graham yesterday on This Week with George Stephanopoulos's Hair, "If we're going to fight a war, shouldn't the American people pay for it?"

And, like every good barking bitch Republican, whenever confronted with a question about spending so profligate and unnecessary that it makes it look like Eliot Spitzer got a bargain on his diamond-pussied whores, Graham blathered on, "I'd like to see an endeavor to see if we can cut current spending and find some dollars that we're spending today to pay for the war, and prioritize American spending." And, in a remark that instantly rendered him one of the most useless, out-of-touch fuckers in the Senate, he said, "Our national security future depends on getting it right in Afghanistan, and there is no better use of taxpayer dollars than to defend America, in my view." You know whose security depends on "getting it right" in Afghanistan? Afghanistan's. And then Pakistan's. And then Europe's. Ours? Not so much. Oh, at one point it did, but a Republican administration fucked that up.

Sometimes, the craven greed of many Americans is unbearable. We so fucking want something for nothing. Until it wasn't popular anymore in about, oh, what, 2005ish, people loved them some Iraq War, but the notion of asking people to pay for it? That was political death. For the most part, we acknowledge that some vague "something" needs to be done about health care costs, but the solution, that maybe we'll have to pay a little bit more in taxes and make do with 40" HDTVs instead of 45", is somehow anti-American.

For all the times that Barack Obama has spoken since he's been President, he has never done something with all that energy his campaign harnessed. We had a specific goal in 2008. And we achieved it. Now give us new specific goals. And he'd better do it fast. Because the energy is almost dissipated. It's okay for a nation's marching orders to come from it's leaders. Citizens elect their leaders based on who they want to follow or who will give them stuff. Obama was elected because he implored us to get to work for the nation. So tell us what to do. And if the people on top don't do it, then demagogues with only imaginary power take over and their lies, like the illusion of Obama's 2009 spending, become the truth.


Friday Stuff: Black Friday, Black Heart:
1. So the Rude Pundit was sent to the store yesterday around noon to buy a new turkey baster, the old one having been used the night before for unholy things that rendered it unusable for basting food. He headed over to one of the many open stores, since holidays are really only for the bourgeois, and he passed by a Best Buy lined with gates, ready for the Black Friday mobs of consumers. And there, at noon on Thanksgiving, were already several people camped out to be first into the store. They had a card table. He drove away, wondering what it would be like by midnight.

This was the line outside an outlet mall in Michigan. That's 10,000 people waiting. At 2 a.m.

Those are the spending hordes at a Target in Chicago. Notice how happy they seem. Flat screen TVs are like down comforters for the soul.

This is a shopping American shown on Britain's Sky News. This is why they hate us.

2. Isn't there a point where, when you lie about factual information in order to defame someone, you're actually liable for, you know, defamation? Ann Coulter, being presumptively a lawyer in her pre-"Lemme-scam-the-rubes-into-thinking-I-am-a-crraazzy-bitch" days, ought to be aware of such things. In her latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "a big, slow swallow of cold cow piss"), Coulter says of then Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius's response to a tornado that wiped out the town of Greensburg, KS, in May 2007, "[S]he had been partying at New Orleans' Jazzfest the day after the tornado hit." Which would really be an awful Bush-esque dereliction of duty, if it was true.

No, see, the "Sebelius partied" lie was put out by the Bush administration, speaking to columnist Bob Novak (currently starring in the hit game show in Hell titled, Whack This Pinata Made of Bob Novak's Nutsack), to cover up for the lack of National Guard equipment in Kansas. In fact, according to the Wichita Eagle newspaper, the tornado hit Friday night, when the Sebelius family was, indeed, in New Orleans, as they are every year for Jazz Fest, and she was back home by Saturday afternoon without having heard a single note.

So Coulter repeated a lie that had been shot down two years ago. To what purpose? To attack Sebelius for something she did as Secretary of HHS? You see, you might do that and then you'd be making a little sense but you wouldn't be Ann Coulter. She was making some point that Keith Olbermann was wrong about something. To do so by demonstrably, factually lying would seem to undermine, well, the entire goddamned thing. But, then again, facts are to Ann Coulter as mop water is to wicked witches.


Thanksgiving Prayer from the Conquered:
From Black Elk Speaks:

Grandfather, Great Spirit, you have been always, and before you no one has been. There is no other one to pray to but you. You yourself, everything that you see, everything has been made by you. The star nations all over the universe you have finished. The four quarters of the earth you have finished. The day, and in that day, everything you have finished. Grandfather, Great Spirit, lean close to the earth that you may hear the voice I send. You towards where the sun goes down, behold me; Thunder Beings, behold me! You where the White Giant lives in power, behold me! You where the sun shines continually, whence come the day-break star and the day, behold me! You where the summer lives, behold me! You in the depths of the heavens, an eagle of power, behold! And you, Mother Earth, the only Mother, you who have shown mercy to your children!

Hear me, four quarters of the world–a relative I am! Give me the strength to walk the soft earth, a relative to all that is! Give me the eyes to see and the strength to understand, that I may be like you. With your power only can I face the winds.

Great Spirit, Great Spirit, my Grandfather, all over the earth the faces of living things are all alike. With tenderness have these come up out of the ground. Look upon these faces of children without number and with children in their arms, that they may face the winds and walk the good road to the day of quiet.

This is my prayer; hear me! The voice I have sent is weak, yet with earnestness I have sent it. Hear me!

It is finished. Hetchetu aloh!

Now, my friend, let us smoke together so that there may be only good between us.


Family Research Council Is Thankful for Lack of Fact-Checkers:
In case you were there sittin' around with yer families, all around that mighty Thanksgiving table tomorrow, starin' at each other across the steroid-enhanced gigantor turkey, the mashed potatoes larded with hormone-filled cream and butter, high fructose corn syrup-based pies, the whole pesticide-coated cornucopia, and you were wonderin' to high holy heaven just what the hell you can beg Godjeezus fer in yer grace-sayin', then the Family Research Council's Super-Duper Prayer Team has answered your...um...prayers.

The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team several years ago under a nom de rude (so he can be a spy in the house o' love), and every week he receives his dirty prayerchez orders, telling him what to implore the invisible sky wizard to do to others and/or for us. This week, it's a special Thanksgiving version, which did you know is all about socialism?

Aw, sure. "In their struggle to survive in the New World, our Pilgrim Fathers learned that socialism does not work! A two-year long experiment in 1621-1622 taught them that when government redistributes income, scarcity, dependence and even death result...For their first two years at Plymouth, the Pilgrims embraced a well-intended scheme: the fruit of each man's labor went into a common storehouse; each then took from the storehouse as his family had need," says the FRC (motto: "Your one-stop history filter"). "Laziness and thievery resulted when capable men refused to labor but demanded to be fed." Then, one might imagine, they got drunk and had a giant gay orgy since apparently no women were around. It's why the sexual position known as "pilgrim buggery" involves buckles and...oh, wait. No?

Hells, no. According to the FRC, then good and wise Governor Billy Bradford changed shit around, "requiring each family to raise its own food." And they lived happily ever after because from 1623 on because of "the hard lessons about socialism and the benefits of free enterprise learned by those who inspired Thanksgiving Day."

And that'd be awesome if it was true. However, that version of the pilgrim story "misrepresents the purpose of the Pilgrims and the results of their heroic strivings. It derives from a superficial appraisal of a statement by Governor William Bradford and a partial reading of the copious records left by the literate Pilgrims." That quote is not from some wild and woolly liberal blog spouting socialist propaganda. It's actually from a 1976 publication by the John fuckin' Birch Society (hence the "heroism" of Indian slaying). And if those paranoid motherfuckers decide something ain't socialist, it ain't fuckin' socialist. Even rabid right-wingers know the real story is so much more complex that there's no way to reduce to a grunting "socialism bad, capitalism good" simian dichotomy.

(Of course, the notion that it was only stupid, selfish white people who couldn't live communally in the "New World" doesn't come into play here.)

But, still, this is supposed to be about the mighty, mighty praytones of Thanksgiving, and here's the kick-Karl-Marx-in-the-taint prayer: "May families across America, especially Christians, reflect this Thanksgiving upon these great lessons of socialism vs. liberty," and further, "May we unite in prayer against every new government program built upon an ideology in which government exercises far too much power." Mmm, that makes stuffing taste so much more stuffinger.

The SDPT is always given bible verses to demonstrate that the prayers have some stamp of approval. They are almost always confounding. Like this one that's supposed to somehow relate to the pilgrim story, from Isaiah 61:1: "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners."

Seriously, FRC, does anyone actually read the bible there? Because not only is that a verse that asks for mercy for prisoners, but five short verses later, Isaiah 61:6-7, it actually supports socialism: "You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of their shame, my people will receive a double portion." The King James version is a hell of a lot more explicit, something that's easily interpretable as a call for revolution against the rich. Share that dinner.


Republicans Decide to Engorge the Whole Reagan:
Upon the moment he gave up the ghost in 2004, a cabal of conservatives had a mold taken of Ronald Reagan's face. The mold itself has a sacred place of honor at RNC headquarters, and every time Republicans are newly elected to Congress, another death mask is made and sent to fresh Senators or Representatives to hang in their offices, horribly white and wrinkled, mouth agape (because they couldn't get the jaw to shut), and with drilled eye holes to stare at them as a reminder of why they even exist anymore. Some Democrats even request a special one, just to show where their alliances really are. (Funny story: George W. Bush tried to get a mold made of his head, too, but no one could convince him that he had to be dead first. The effort to do it without smothering him led to brief hospitalization and the "pretzel-choking" cover story.)

Less known is another mold made by an even smaller cabal of what used to be called "ultra-conservatives." Waiting until rigor mortis had stiffened it into a fine, final erection, a mold was made of Reagan's cock and balls, to be held in a secret location until these former extremists should become mainstream Republicans. No one actually thought it would ever happen, so it seemed more a ceremonial effort.

However, production has now finally started on a hard silicon, flesh-colored Reagan dildo to be sent to every Republican. The demand is that, in order to re-demonstrate their dedication to all things Gipper, Republicans in Congress must send a photo of themselves pleasuring Reagan's dick to the RNC. It's no longer enough to have dead Reagan gazing down at them constantly. Now, a good GOP member must use Ronnie's member in order to maintain conservative street cred, according to a tiny group of newly-empowered right wingers.

They've sent out a short list of "Places of Insertion" where Republicans can use the dildo, just in case they need reminders. They include, as one might imagine, "the Teabag," "the Bachmann (for women only)," the "Lindsey," and a special oral one officially called "Creme DeMint," but also nicknamed "the Lieberman," which requires a deep-throating with ball-cupping. The photos will be sent to Karl Rove for safekeeping.

For so very long, Republicans have dedicated themselves to Reagan above America, as if the latter doesn't exist without the former, that they may as well declare themselves pure in their worship.


The Rude Pundit on Today's Stephanie Miller Show:
The Rude Pundit promised to welcome Stephanie Miller to New York City with a shower of rose petals. She said it would be like the film American Beauty, and then producer Chris Lavoie crapped on the sexual buzz by reminding everyone that Kevin Spacey ends up dead at the end. Oh, and there was talk about what's-her-name and health care reform.

And for those who wonder, "How can I carry the Rude Pundit close to my heart and/or groin all day?" there's the Rude Pundit's podcast, ready for your fresh subscriptioning.
Columnist Star Parker Says George Washington Would Hate Gay Marriage:
So, like, the Rude Pundit doesn't know who the fuck Star Parker is, nor does he care, and neither should you. But, without knowing a single thing about her or even bothering to research a single fact about her life or other beliefs, he feels sure that he can safely have a visceral hatred of her and everyone who buys Parker's steaming, leaky, poisonous pool of slaughterhouse hog shit that is her most recent "column," posted for your retching pleasure at the online open sewage ditch known as Townhall.com.

The basic premise of it is that she really fucking hates gay people, who are just fucking up Washington, DC with their gay fucking. After giving us the stats on the rate of HIV/AIDS infections in DC, she actually writes, "Amidst this dismal picture, the DC City Council, perhaps on the theory that serving up another glass of wine is the way to help a drunk, is scheduled to vote on December 1 to legalize same sex marriage in America's capital city." You got that? A vote to legalize gay marriage is a vote to give people AIDS. One could argue that same sex marriage, with its emphasis on, you know, monogamy, might actually help to reduce the HIV infection rate, but then you'd be thinking with logic and facts, which are the domain of the smug, amoral elitists who run the nation.

Parker quotes George Washington on religion and morality, which she claims supports her thesis that fags and dykes are awful people, then she cites a Brookings Institute study on marriage, and then tops it with a piquant sauce of the Catholic archdiocese of DC threatening to take its Jesus and go home if the law passes, the poor and sick be damned, just like Jesus would do. Her garnish is this line: "It should concern every American as we watch our nation's capital city transform officially into Sodom." Don't look back, Star.

So, in other words, she thinks that George Washington would want public policy to be based on religious belief. That's some fine understanding of history there.

This is what we're up against in the ongoing battle over gay marriage. That someone can confidently state this kind of opinion and not be treated as a pariah or a madwoman is about right for this degraded state we're in. Yeah, we're on Gomorrah road, motherfuckers, but not because gay people want to get married. Hate crimes against gays went up 11 percent last year. One imagines that the "morality" of Star Parker is one of the reasons for that.


Photos That Make Some Kind of Awful Sense (Palin Version):

That's a worker at the Meijer supermarket in Fort Wayne, Indiana, stacking books on a table near the shampoo aisle. Meijer is kind of WalMart, Jr., for those unfamiliar. The book is Sarah Palin's Going Rogue. You may have heard something about it this week. The worker was prepping for a book signing by Palin herself yesterday. Don't be an elitist: you should be able to meet Sarah Palin and pick up some Alpo and condoms in one store. "'Her values are my values,' said Palin fan Debbie Coning. 'I just really want to thank her for all she's done and what she can do for our country.'" Yes, dear Debbie, for all that she's done. Coning was there at 5 p.m. on Wednesday for the noon Thursday signing.

Those people are seated in the household goods aisle, patiently waiting for Palin. Meijer allowed people to start lining up at 11 p.m. Wednesday so they could sleep in the store. "Meijer officials say the line runs from the Christmas tree section to the outdoor items. Overflow crowds are in the patio area."

And if there's any grace note to end this idiotic week in America, where the desires to put criminals on trial and to give people health care were treated like efforts to nuke babies at Disney World, it's this: They were expecting at least 2000 people for Palin in Fort Wayne. Only 1300 showed up.


Quotes That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Huff Hair Dye and Beard Gel (Refreshingly Free of What's-Her-Name):
1. How about a palate cleansing plate of absurdity? In one of the greatest moments of 24-hour news networks forced banter, Situation Room host Wolf "Behold the Glow of My Resplendent Face Muff" Blitzer and Betty Nguyen held forth on the U.S. Postal Service. Get a friend and read this aloud with as many awkward pauses and confused "can-we-end-this-fucking-segment" smiles as you can manage:
NGUYEN: [M]ail just five days a week? I don't know. Wolf, what do you think?

BLITZER: You know what? I guess Saturday and Sunday -- we don't get on Sunday already.


BLITZER: I could live without the mail on Saturday, if it's going to save $3.8...

NGUYEN: Yes, if it will save some money, right?

BLITZER: If it will save $3.8 billion, that might be worth it.

NGUYEN: I don't know if it will do all that.


BLITZER: I don't think it will.



BLITZER: I was at the post office, bought some first-class -- you know how much a first-class stamp costs, Betty?

NGUYEN: How much is it now, 43, 45 cents?

BLITZER: Forty-four.

NGUYEN: Forty-four cents.

BLITZER: Yes, always...

NGUYEN: It seems like it goes up every year.

BLITZER: Bought a little roll of 100.


BLITZER: They're -- they're all self-adhesive now.

NGUYEN: Oh, that's lovely.

BLITZER: That's very good.


Somewhere, Walter Cronkite, already dead, killed himself.

2. From Ann Coulter's latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the wracking, phlegm-spewing death cough of a self-mutilating she-beast quickly fading into an acid bath of obscurity and irrelevance"), a look at the qualities of diversity in a nation, re: the shooting at Fort Hood and the upcoming terrorist trials in New York City:

"Never in recorded history has diversity been anything but a problem. Look at Ireland with its Protestant and Catholic populations, Canada with its French and English populations, Israel with its Jewish and Palestinian populations." Yes, whoever forced all those Protestants and Catholics to live together on an island? Wherever did they come from? Oh, fuck, sure, one could waste about a week explaining the thousand things wrong with that paragraph. Or, to put it simply, Ann Coulter has never actually had the word "diversity" defined for her.

She continues, after a few more irrelevant examples, "'Diversity' is a difficulty to be overcome, not an advantage to be sought. True, America does a better job than most at accommodating a diverse population. We also do a better job at curing cancer and containing pollution. But no one goes around mindlessly exclaiming: 'Cancer is a strength!' 'Pollution is our greatest asset!'" She is mocking the notion that "Diversity is a strength," or, to put it another way, "Kill the Muslims."

And then the whole fucking column explodes into a mushroom cloud of bugfuck insanity the likes of which haven't been seen since William Safire kept writing love poems to an invisible marmoset in his later New York Times columns: "Next time you're at a cocktail party, just start saying, 'Chocolate pudding is dramatic irony' from time to time. Eventually other people will start saying it, without anyone bothering to consider whether it makes sense." You get the point? It's a nonsense phrase, like "diversity is a strength."

You don't? No, of course not. Because what you are actually witnessing is the pathetic last heaves of outrage-mongering by Ann Coulter, who is stumbling around like a coke-snorting heiress who's shoved her inheritance up her nose and is begging to still be let past the velvet rope into the club she helped build. She'll be blowing Glenn Beck for appearances any day now.


Fact-Checking Sarah Palin Is a Waste of Everyone's Time, But Fuck It:
Sigh. This is getting repetitive, isn't it? Yeah, it's still fun, but, Christ, there's only so many times you can do it. But let's see if we can get it up for one more sore, exhausted fuck before we have to go back to doing real work.

Here's Sarah Palin on Rush Limbaugh's House of Donuts (Glazed and Ass) yesterday: "Let's go back to what Reagan did in the early eighties and stay committed to those commonsense free market principles that worked. He faced a tougher recession than what we're facing today. He cut those taxes, ramped up industry, and we pulled out of that recession. We need to revisit that."

Beyond the fact that this recession is worse than what Reagan faced in the early 1980s, he raised taxes multiple times. Fuck, when he was governor of California and facing the first deficit in that's state history, "Reagan ended up approving a $1-billion tax increase on a $6-billion annual budget, which was, proportionately, the biggest tax increase in state history."

And while Reagan did slash the fuck out of taxes on the wealthy, thus ensuring our path to economic doom, he also raised taxes multiple times. In 1982, he rolled back some of the tax cuts passed in 1981, which, in today's political rhetoric, would be "Holy fuck, Ronald Reagan is gutting your incomes like a shank-carrying white supremacist in a prison race riot." That would have been the Tax Equity and Fiscal Responsibility Act. Notice that. "Fiscal responsibility" meant for the right wing's great god Gipper that one might have to raise taxes. It was "the largest peacetime tax increase in American history," as Reagan and Bush the Smarter adviser Bruce Bartlett put it.

Reagan raised payroll taxes for Social Security and Medicare in 1983. Says Bartlett in a 2003 article for the National Review, "This is a tax increase that lives with us still, since it initiated automatic increases in the taxable wage base. As a consequence, those with moderately high earnings see their payroll taxes rise every single year." Yeah, Reagan raised taxes just about every year he was president, with the 1984 Deficit Reduction Act (again, notice that title), and more in 1985, 1986, and 1987. Of course, most of these tax increases affected the middle class since the wealthy had had their taxes sliced to bits in 1981 while the trickle down from that act never happened.

By the way, he signed a gas tax hike in 1983. It was something Reagan wanted in order to, you know, pay for stupid shit like roads and bridges. For some reason, it seemed reasonably conservative then to say that people who use the fucking roads ought to pay for their upkeep, which would created tens of thousands of jobs. So he more than doubled the federal gas tax.

Of course, Reagan also dropped coin like a drunken sailor at a Shanghai whorehouse that takes credit cards, sending the deficit into the stratosphere with defense spending. So at least by raising taxes, he didn't completely wreck the economic train, but he sure as fuck built the track and pulled switch. It would take George W. Bush's Palin-esque understanding of economics to send us careening off the bridge.

Other crap dropped out of Palin's mouth in her talk with Limbaugh, who took each one of those mouthturds and saved them to mold and then kiln dry to create a perfectly-shaped shit dildo to fuck his ass with later. Said Palin about the GOP, "You know another key to this, too, is to not hesitate duking it out within the party. This is what I appreciate about the Republican Party. We have contested, aggressive, competitive primaries. We're not like this herd mentality like a bunch of sheep -- with the fighting instincts of sheep, as Horowitz would say -- like some in the Democrat Party."

Putting aside her quoting David Horowitz, did Palin even realize that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton ran against each other for an endless, divisive battle while McCain pretty much just cruised to the inevitability of his nomination?

And on climate change, "I think there's a lot of snake oil science involved in that and somebody's making a whole lot of money off people's fears that the world is... It's kind of tough to figure out with the shady science right now, what are we supposed to be doing right now with our climate." Goddamn all those shady scientists making the megabucks off the solar panel industry while the poor oil executives just sit there, wondering when their pay off will come, wondering if anyone will listen to them.

Yesterday, in a bookstore here in a very red town in the middle of Tennessee, the Rude Pundit stood aghast by a table stacked with Palin's book. It reads like a passive-aggressive Rick Warren tome, where the message is that you can self-actualize through Jesus if all those fuckers holding you back get out of the way. Two or three people grabbed copies and headed towards the cash register. People are lined up for hours to meet her in Michigan today. In the end, the facts of the the book don't matter. All that matters is that idiot America has its queen.

Tomorrow: for fuck's sake, something else.


What's with the New Backlash Against Women? (Part 2: Palinophilia on the Right):
Here’s a bit from Sarah Palin’s new book, Going Rogue: "I moved to go speak with him [a reporter from Anchorage], but a campaign handler grabbed my elbow and said, 'No, no, no ... this way.' A few minutes later on my way out of the building I saw the same reporter and photographer back behind a rope line.

"He yelled out 'Alaska!' But as I tried to holler back, different pairs of hands hustled me into the campaign's Suburban. It was not a respectful thing to do. I had turned my back on our own local press. Right then and there, I knew it wasn't going to be good."

Now imagine Hillary Clinton in that situation. Do you think for a second that she would have allowed herself to be forced away if she had wanted to answer a question? Feminism is about agency - that is, the ability to act on one's own. In that moment, as in so many others, Palin didn't assert her agency. Now she claims she finally is. It's a bullshit conversion to a depoliticized feminism, and she reflects, about as clearly as anyone, the kind of feminism-lite that passes for liberation. It's reaping the benefits of the feminist movement without giving a shit about the actual goals of the movement.

Palin likes to insinuate comparisons to Clinton regularly. She empathizes and treats Clinton like a victim of the evil Obama machine, which is pretty much the polar opposite of how Clinton would want to be perceived. It’s much the same way she sees herself as a victim of those gosh-darn mollusksuckers on the the McCain team, like Fatty McShouter, Steve Schmidt.

Of course, the absurd reality is that Hillary Clinton has worked her ass off endlessly for her country; agree or disagree with her or her goals, she has sure as fuck had a lot more on her mind than how funny it would be to make reporters walk in muck (as Palin delightfully recounts). Sarah Palin wouldn't know a policy debate if it tweaked her tits and called itself Jesus. She invokes Clinton in order to try to make some of Clinton's accomplished glow rub off on her through a confusing conflation. It's sort of like when people try to say that Michael Moore is the liberal Ann Coulter. It discredits Moore while legitimizing Coulter.

And her elevation to the status of someone any women should look up to and admire for anything is pure cynical anti-feminism. The very things that Palin is celebrated for by conservative bags of fuck are what feminists have been condemned for: being outspoken, combining work and family lives (although, you know, Palin decided she couldn't have it all), standing up to even the men who have supported her. But she is a sex traitor. She uses her femininity to support policies that enslave other women. And she derides the accomplishments that allowed her to become governor in the first fucking place.

She is worse than a joke. She is a disgrace. If she is the end result of the work of Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug and Betty Friedan and so many other women, who were attacked with the language of violence and rape by politicians and the mainstream media (not from some asshole bloggers) that makes Palin's little buffeting about gentle, then that work needs to kick back into high gear. And now she's out there as if she's standing up for women's rights to...speak, one supposes, as long as the lines are the in a general framework of what the right wants her to say.

There’s this fantasy that the right has that Palin shouldn’t be underestimated, like, they claim, Ronald Reagan was. What people like Newt Gingrich and Bill Kristol (who, one should always be reminded, even on a daily basis, was Alan Keyes’s campaign manager) are doing is falling into an insider’s trap. The only people who didn’t think Reagan was a viable candidate were the inside-the-beltway circle jerkers who pooh-poohed the upstart outsider. It’s what they did with Bill Clinton, too. But the people in the rest of the nation had different ideas. Reagan and Clinton both had been elected and re-elected to governorships. And polls indicated that they were popular beyond the scribblings of David Broder. Not so with Palin. The vast majority of the nation thinks she's an incompetent twit.

Besides, she ain’t running for jackshit. Once she resigned as Alaska’s governor and told the state’s citizens who elected her to suck her clit, any political career was over. She knew it. She probably had an agent who told her that she was super-hot right now and if she slogged away for a couple of years more in Alaska, her brand would get stale. Strike while the iron’s hot, bitches. Make that money, ex-Governor; there's a lot of blood and sweat spent in this nation's history so you could. Not that you'll care as you stand on their bones.

It's a goddamned insult to women, to the American political system, to the media that we're still even talking about her.


Rudy Giuliani and Republicans Are Goddamned Cowards:
One of the things we often cringe to admit is that the worst stereotypes exist. The loca chica, the gangsta, the asshole Wall Street exec, they all are real. Gay male stereotypes, too. In New York City, you will find every kind of limp-wristed, mincing, lisping queer guy that would give Fred Phelps nightmares (or, more likely, dreams come true). Skinny jeans-wearing twinks, chorus boys who shriek for episodes of Glee, fashion diva queens, and more, all gay in that cartoon way gay haters portray gay men. And nearly every single one of those proudly cocksucking twinks, boys, and queens is more macho than Rudy Giuliani or just about any Republican.

Because you can put money on the fact that the Republicans are bigger pussies about the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and others in New York City than just about any of the good gay guys listed up there. What the fuck happened to the right? The party of Ike and Teddy Roosevelt? What a bunch of Marys they've become in the wake of Eric Holder's announcement that Mohammed would be tried in a federal court in Manhattan. Not only that, but if our justice system sucks so hard, then we should probably do something about that.

Snarled Giuliani on This Week with George Stephanopoulos's Hair regarding the previous successful prosecutions of terrorists in New York, which Giuliani had himself praised, "[W]e also demonstrated that our federal system has an enormously protracted process that's going to go on forever. That it grants more benefits than a military tribunal will grant. There's always the possibility of acquittal, change of venue. And the reality is, George, it also creates an extra risk that isn't necessary. It creates an extra risk for New York."

Mohammed ain't Magneto, nemesis of the X-men. He's not going to use his mutant Islamic powers to melt the chains and blow up the heads of the dozens of snipers around him, all while ululating some sinister shout that'll bring back the dead of the Crusades to liberate him. In other words, this ain't a movie. He's beaten man who'll be spouting crazy blather in hand and ankle cuffs while shitting his diaper who wouldn't even be coming to trial if his case wasn't a done deal, who will be sentenced to death. And if anything happens that could lead to acquittal, he will be taken right back into indefinite detention. In other words, we're not doing this for Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. He'd over. We're doing it for us.

And then there's the one big aspect that so many on the right are just flat-out fucking wrong about. Here's Giuliani, whose creepy-ass grimace and passive aggressive sneers are just played out, this time on Fox "news" after Chris Wallace asked him about bringing the Gitmo torture victims to New York City: "We generally don't bring people back to the scene of the crime for justice."

No, actually, that is what we do. It's what the Constitution says in the Sixth Amendment: "In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law..." Even if a change of venue is granted, it is usually in an area in reasonable proximity to the scene of the crime. Now, the Rude Pundit may not have a fancy law degree like America's (Most Craven Manwhore Desperate to Cash in on Being) Mayor, but that amendment seems pretty fucking clear.

Giuliani kept making the bizarre assertion that the trials and convictions for the 1993 World Trade Center bombings, which, again, he once said demonstrated how strong America is, were wrong because we didn't predict 9/11 happening (although how another kind of trial would have prevented it is a connection he doesn't make). And he kept saying that Mohammed wants a trial in New York and "I didn't know we were in the business of granting favors to terrorists." Which is like saying that if he asked for water, you'd have to be a total asshole to give it to him. Finally, Giuliani fell back on military tribunals, which are being used for other Gitmo prisoners who attacked the USS Cole. The tribunal system could still be found unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. But, if that happens, then Giuliani would have something else to gnash his painful-looking teeth at.

Still, no one out-wrongs or out-pussies Bill Kristol, and The Weekly Standard editor, who, one should always be reminded, was Alan Keyes's presidential campaign manager, didn't disappoint. Also on Fox, he repeated what is becoming a mantra of the right on Mohammed: "There are huge problems with this. These guys were not given their Miranda warnings...[W]here was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed arrested? In Pakistan in a pre-dawn raid. He wasn't read his rights."

Oh, calm down, Nancy. Mohammed was captured in Pakistan. The most stomach-churningly charitable reading of his torture and treatment for years at Gitmo is that he was like a detained suspect in a crime who is questioned before being formally arrested. That's the whole "enemy combatant" status thing. You can pretty much bet that he'll be Mirandized once he's officially under arrest, if he hasn't already. But, no, don't let that stop another talking point that sounds like it's from an episode of Law and Order: STFU.

We on the left have now become the defenders of law and order by simply saying the rules should be followed. We're the tough guys and they're the fruitcakes. The right has become the cowering wimps who want to toss the rulebook in the shitter when it doesn't suit their game. Put up or shut up, motherfuckers. You don't like what's in the Constitution? Then try to change it. Otherwise, it's goddamned obvious that we're doing what should have been done six or seven years ago.


The Rude Pundit Chants with Stephanie Miller Tomorrow:
There is nothing more physically and spiritually gratifying than spending a Monday morning in the Tantric embrace of the Rude Pundit and Stephanie Miller on her fine radio show. Get your chakras shaken at 9:30 ET/6:30 PT.


Conservatives Are Scared of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed; Liberals Are Not:
So it was that in a hangover haze, desperately thirsty, sore, and craving pancakes, the Rude Pundit opened his laptop this morning to see he had received a frantic email from Erick Erickson of the blog RedState. Knowing that he had never subscribed to any spam lists on that creepy fucker's site, the first thing the Rude Pundit did was curse whatever son or daughter of a bitch signed him up. And then he opened the message, which waved its little arms like a crazed Kermit the Frog by being subject-lined, "Stop Obama From Importing Terrorists Stateside" (man, the tariffs have gotta be heavy on that shit).

What did the screechy deacon have to say? "Today Barack Obama is going to announce that the terrorist mastermind of September 11th, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, will be sent to New York City for a criminal trial in a civilian court." Huh. Seemed eminently reasonable. If he is the 9/11 masterblastermind, then the city of the crime would be where he has to be tried, no?

If you're Erick Erickson (and if you are, the Rude Pundit says, "Dude, seriously?"), the answer is "Oh, fucking no fucking way, motherfucker." Or, as he wrote, "In that trial, the terrorist will get all the rights afforded an American citizen in a criminal trial, including the right to a fair trial, the right to a taxpayer funded attorney, the right to review all the evidence against him, potentially including classified intelligence matters, the right to exclude evidence against him including, potentially, any confession obtained through enhanced interrogation techniques, etc."

Now, the Rude Pundit's no lawyer like Erickson once was, but he's pretty damn sure that the Sixth Amendment to the Constitution says, "In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial" and then talks about the rights that entails. That really doesn't distinguish between citizen and non-citizen and, indeed, there have been many decisions that allow for fair and speedy trial for immigrants both legal and illegal, as well as for non-Americans extradited to the United States for trial.

"At best, this will be a show trial fit not for the American Republic, but a third world kleptocratic totalitarian regime," continues Erickson in his missive. So, just to give you insight into a fairly well-regarded conservative mind: it's a stronger show of democracy to indefinitely detain a man without charge. To charge him and try him is an action fit for a tyrant. It's not unlike saying that if Erick Erickson had a choice to fuck a knothole in a wooden bench or his wife, he'd decide to fuck the knothole because, splinters and callouses be damned, it won't care if he loses his hard-on.

Since the announcement of Attorney General Eric Holder's announcement, the reaction over in the nutzoid ghetto of Right Blogsylvania has been predictable. Michelle Malkin madly barked, "If this White House thought Tea Party activists were an 'angry mob,' wait until they see the backlash from 9/11 family members and their supporters nationwide." She quotes a message from one of those family members: "[W]e will fight with every remaining breath in our bodies both their bringing KSM and the rest of the 9/11 conspirators to federal courtrooms within walking distance of where they slaughtered our loved ones." Does that mean a Brooklyn courtroom would be better? What proximity would satisfy them?

The microphones of right wing radio hosts are cringing at the thought of the spit soaking they're about to get. Rush Limbaugh has put on his skinny underwear to irritate his balls and ass crack so he gets extra cranky. Sean Hannity has taken an injection of wolverine semen right into his chin because he thinks it'll make him more savage. Michael Savage...well, fuck, he'll just do his usual thing and bite the heads off screaming bunnies on air. It keeps the rabbit population down in California.

Why does the notion of putting Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial drive them past the edge of insanity and "get the rhino tranq" frothing? Mohammed will more than likely get their beloved death penalty. Erickson seems to think Mohammed might pass classified information on to terrorists. But one of his readers inadvertently hits the nail on the head. In a comment, jdub19 writes, "I see this as another way to bash the Bush years. No OBL and after all the years in custody, KSM will be brought to justice. They have to keep reminding the public of GWB failures."

Ah, dear jdub, there is the problem. It's not that Barack Obama is going to put us in danger. It's that he's showing how justice is supposed to be done. Just doing that simple thing, abiding by the laws of the land, demonstrates the failures of the last administration. The Rude Pundit's said it before and he'll say it again: so much of the anger at Obama is a projection of right wing anger at George W. Bush. Obama has to fail at everything in the right wingers' sad world, just to show that they didn't devote eight years of their pathetic, deluded lives to abetting the destruction of the nation. They are shitting themselves in fear, not just in the intensely unlikely scenario of hot terrorist on terrorist action. They are afraid of what evidence at trial might reveal about how far down the rabbit hole to actual tyranny we fell.

We on the left are not afraid. We have the courage to confront the truth and not hide it away in a cell forever.

Just to reiterate another point: it's not weak to say that our laws are strong enough to take care of terrorists. In fact, believing in our justice system actually makes Barack Obama more patriotic than all waterboard-loving, conservative pricks and cunts who just want Mohammed disappeared. Nidal Hasan killed more people than just about anyone ever at Gitmo, yet no one's saying that he should be detained forever without charge or trial.

By the way, the Rude Pundit unsubscribed to Erickson's spam. And he's gonna need whiskey on those pancakes.

(Note: to those expecting part 2 of yesterday's part 1, the intention was to do it next week, after Sarah Palin's book comes out.)


What's With the New Backlash Against Women? (Part 1):
Evidence of resurgent sexism:
1. So Publishers Weekly puts out a list of the 10 "best" books of 2009, covering all genres. It contains not a single female author. Sure, it's all subjective as hell, but play the odds on that happening. Not damn likely. On the more extensive list of the 100 "best" books of the year, it looks like about a third are women. (Personal bias: Margaret Atwood's recent book kicks much ass, as does Barbara Ehrenreich's.)

2. The treatment of women in the House of Representatives, women who, it should be shameful to need to point out, are equals of their male counterparts, during the debate over the health care reform bill. As Democratic female members of Congress attempted to speak to how the bill would be beneficial to women, several male Republicans kept screaming objections over them. Remember: these are Republicans who had spoken without interruption about how Democrats were leading the nation down the path to socialist hellhole and want to kill old people. But if the ladies in the House wanna say somethin'? It's all "Man, Nancy Pelosi, can't you tell your bitches to shut the fuck up?" (See also the desire of Republicans for General McChrystal to put Pelosi "in her place." Apparently, that place is kicking their asses on health care reform.)

3. The seeming willingness of too many Democrats to acquiesce and acquiesce on abortion rights issues as long as Roe v. Wade is not overturned. The entire debate over the inclusion of the Stupak-Pitts Amendment in the health care reform bill, along with the previously less onerous Capp Amendment that was scorned by anti-choicers for being not punitive enough to women who might want or need an abortion, takes the Hyde Amendment as sacrosanct. That 1976 piece of vicious work and additional measures in the Reagan era have barred federal funds from being used for abortions. (It was just in 1993 that the measure was changed to allow exceptions for rape and incest.)

Almost the entire debate over abortion in the health reform bill was a defense of the Hyde Amendment. Democrats used to talk about overturning it completely because it's an unfair, government-imposed burden on poor women. But the anti-choice forces have so controlled the rhetoric that we are left with this sad moment, where in order to even pass a meager insurance bill, another assault on poor (and at least some middle class but, really, all) women occurred by preventing any abortion coverage in any insurance plan in a federal government insurance exchange.

Tell you what: let's up the fuckin' ante here. What is the number one cause of an unwanted pregnancy? Balls and the jizz contained therein. So how about an amendment that says if a woman gets pregnant and is forced to carry the baby to term no matter what, the dude who knocked her up has to get his nuts cut off. There's your trade-off, and men and women both get to have "consequences" for their actions. The result is more babies in the short term, but a whole lot less in the long term. There's details to be worked out. But castration's in the Bible somewhere, isn't it? Like "And, lo, God did tell Zebechaiah to chop the junk off the fornicator Jake"? If not, it should be. Just say it's a new translation.

4. Right now, in the political world, with Hillary Clinton hunkered down and doing her job mostly out of the public's eye and with Nancy Pelosi, this intensely accomplished woman, treated like a joke, the most visible women are fucking jokes. From absurd flash in the pan to downright dangerous:

a. Someone needs to tell Carrie Prejean that if Perez Hilton hadn't asked her about gay marriage at the Miss USA pageant, she'd be that forgotten bikini babe in a beauty contest, consigned to a communications degree and/or increasingly pathetic Maxim layouts. Since the revelation of her solo sex tape, her TV appearances hawking "her" book are either creepy or pathetic. For a dose of skeevy that almost makes you sympathize with Prejean, watch her interview on Hannity, where our host asks her to think about how she's going to feel when the video's made public. For pathetic, watch her get outraged on last night's Larry King [Is Not A]Live, when an old man tries to get her to talk about the very sex video she had talked about on every other show. How dare he.

But, hey, she's friends with Sarah Palin.

Who will be the start of Part 2, with appearances by Michele Bachmann. And some crazy ass conclusions.


Veterans Day for the Living of a Previous Failed War:

That's a photo of Nick Smartt, who was "a rifleman with Company B, 12th Cavalry/Airborne/Air Mobile, 1st Battalion, 1st Cavalry Division, during the Vietnam War. His job was to carry an M79 grenade launcher into firefights." The picture was taken during the Tet Offensive in 1968 and published in Life magazine. Smartt usually goes to DC for Veterans Day, but he won't this year because of post-traumatic stress disorder. He still has nightmares of the war, "especially the night when he was wounded by a mortar round that killed two comrades and he was left to fight alone all night until he was rescued in an early morning airlift." Imagine that: the blown-up bodies of your fellow soldiers as your only companions as you try to survive in the dark under enemy fire.

Decorated multiple times, Smartt also is being hindered this year by physical disabilities he says were caused by being sprayed with the jungle defoliant Agent Orange. Smartt may be getting further help. Last month, the Department of Veterans Affairs, led by former General Eric Shinseki, changed its policy on diseases related to Agent Orange: "Secretary Shinseki decided to establish service-connection for Vietnam Veterans with B cell leukemias, such as hairy cell leukemia; Parkinson’s disease; and ischemic heart disease. This is based on an independent study by the Institute of Medicine showing an association with exposure to Agent Orange. Vietnam veterans with these diseases may be eligible for disability compensation and health care benefits."

In other words, Vietnam vets with Parkinson's, like Jim Graham, can finally, at long last, get VA assistance with their debilitating illness. Graham, by the way, served from 1968-1972 in Vietnam as a Navy jet mechanic, part of the time on an aircraft carrier, part of the time at Da Nang military base, where Agent Orange was kept. Graham said he'd see the chemical in the ditches around the base. Kids were born with birth defects in the towns near the base. Many vets exposed to the dioxin byproduct who have cancer, like Mike Forgach of Hartford, have gotten VA assistance. It took years of research and lobbying to finally get the VA to extend benefits to Parkinson's sufferers who were exposed to Agent Orange.

Today, Toledo, in Reno, orange balloons will be released, as they have on other days, to recognize those afflicted by the herbicide. It is another solemn way to remember the date, less celebratory, but more in touch with reality.

See, after four years of petitions and appeals, last week, James Cripps of Tennessee became the first veteran to get the VA to grant benefits to someone exposed to Agent Orange at a base in the U.S. Meanwhile, in Indiana, Robert Kwak, with his doctors on his side, is desperately trying to convince the VA that his quickly progressing cancer was caused by the one month he spent at Danang.

If, after four decades, we are still wrestling with what veterans of a failed war deserve, we will not live to see a resolution for the vets of this one.


Understanding Why Nidal Hasan Did It Makes Us Stronger:
God, we liberals are such fucking pussies, aren't we? Our vaginas just ache in sympathy with the most heinous people, like Major Nidal Hasan, who massacred soldiers at Fort Hood. Just look at how vile we are behaving: questioning why Hasan did it, attempting to learn from his crime in order to prevent others, wondering if the treatment of Muslims in the military might have a deleterious effect on the mental stability of some soldiers. What's wrong with us? We stink of lamb-like sensitivity when we should be tearing through this world like 'roided out lions.

Right wing pundits offer prima facie evidence of how awful we are as human beings. Like Cal Thomas, who minces, "[W]e tolerate virtually everything, indulge in political correctness and subscribe to a bogus belief that if radical Islamists can see we mean them no harm, they will mean us no harm." (Although the Rude Pundit will stick to his belief that if we offer milkshakes and blow jobs to al-Qaeda members, the wars would be over. Seriously - there's your choice: goat fucking and suicide bombing or milkshakes and blow jobs. Give it 30 seconds.)

And how can we be such quivering little cocksuckers that we don't understand the case is cut-and-dried, dyed-in-the-wool over, with all facts readily available in the media. "It was an act of terrorism by a man with a record of expressing virulent, anti-American, pro-jihadist sentiments. All were conspicuous signs of danger his Army superiors chose to ignore," writes Dorothy Rabinowitz in the Wall Street Journal (motto: "Who knew Rupert Murdoch's taint would taste so deliciously tangy?"). Pat Buchanan is Sam fuckin' Spade (even if he'd find that name insulting), creating an entire narrative and psychological profile of Hasan: "Hasan was conflicted by a dual loyalty—to the country he had sworn to protect, and to his perceived duty as a Muslim." What we learn from all this is that right wingers think that Law and Order is reality and not just a TV show. (By the way, Buchanan goes total bugnuts by mid-column, using Hasan to condemn minorities for not being whiter.)

What a little bitch-ass president, they tell us, with his milquetoast reaction, not-so-secret Muslim plot to destroy us all, and his failure to serve in the military. Ann Coulter practices her cuntistry when she notes, "President Obama’s response to the slaughter of 13 Americans by a Muslim at a U.S. military installation was to instruct Americans not to 'jump to any conclusions.' There was a risk that right-wingers would start playing the old 'Blame The Perpetrator' game." When Obama first spoke, Hasan was unconscious from his wounds. No one knew if he acted alone, had help, was the start or end of something. But, man, when you need to jump, ya gotta jump, unless you're a pussy. You're not a pussy, are you?

Which, of course, leads to Kevin McCullough, conservative spoogebag, who writes, "In the hours following the shooting at Ft. Hood, President Obama demonstrated resolute apathy to the greatest issue of our time." (Bonus points for McCullough's abuse of quotation marks: "[Obama] gave 'shout-outs' to his 'homies' in the crowd." Obama did say "shout-out." He did not say "homies." But, you know, he's black.)

They're disgusted because less than three hours after the shooting, Obama went ahead with a scheduled speech at the Tribal Nations Conference. He commented there on the shooting, "What we do know is that a number of American soldiers have been killed, and even more have been wounded in a horrific outburst of violence. My immediate thoughts and prayers are with the wounded and with the families of the fallen, and with those who live and serve at Fort Hood...I hope in the meantime that all of you recognize the scope of this tragedy, and keep everybody in their thoughts and prayers." His "response" when he asked people not to jump to conclusions was given the next day. It was actually just an update. He didn't need to repeat his horror and outrage, which he had communicated the day before.

Who are these fantasy liberals that conservatives create out of straw? Where do they live? Where do you see anyone not a nutzoid Muslim fundamentalist supporting Hasan? Shit doesn't occur in a vacuum. Life ain't a movie; Hasan, from the meager bit we know about him, wasn't just blankly evil. No one in the liberal camp is forgiving him, but for citizens in and out of the military, it's crucial that we understand Hasan. Skepticism and inquiry aren't ludicrous luxuries. A desire to understand other cultures isn't mere political correctness. That's a shorthand way to dismiss a crucial step forward in a world that has changed significantly in the last few decades.

And the real wimps and weaklings are the ones who resist and refuse to offer anything beyond an assertion of smug superiority. Because, as anyone in any Darwinian enterprise will tell you, they are the long-dying members of a society or species.


The Rude Pundit on Today's Stephanie Miller Show:
Somehow, discussions of serial killers, nipples, and the undulating movement of fat added up to an insightful (and strangely sexy) discussion about the miserable world of politics:

You can also get your kicks by subscribing to the Rude Pundit's cast of pod over at the ever-free PodBean.
Health Care Reform Passes the House; Country Still Standing...For Now:
It was his moment to shine, and Indiana Republican Mike Pence took his five-minute turn at the mike in the esteemed House of Representatives, heart of democracy in the United States of America, and, with complete earnestness, he said, "As President Reagan said, it's about ‘whether we abandon the American Revolution and confess that a little intellectual elite in a far distant Capitol can plan our lives better than we can plan them ourselves.'"

He continued, personalizing the quote with an anecdote: "Earlier today, I greeted about 50 Hoosiers, mostly in wheelchairs, unit caps and uniforms, at the World War II Memorial. These heroes were gathered for their first, and maybe only, visit to the monument built in their honor."

This led Pence to revelations that are only made in the American heart while on the precipice of momentous decisions: "As I made my way back to the Capitol, I thought about those brave men and what sustained them in those days when the very survival of democracy hung in the balance. I believe it was because they were fighting for a cause more important than their happiness, their health and even their life, and that cause was freedom."

Yes, freedom. Freedom. And what was Pence so passionately arguing for that demanded he evoke the Revolution, the "Greatest Generation," the Gipper, and the life or death of democracy? Was it about whether or not the nation would go to war? Was it about amending the Constitution? What fundamental challenge to this country might hold freedom and liberty in its grip?

It was over whether or not the federal government would offer a reasonably priced health insurance policy to those not covered by their employers. When Pence was done, tourists at Arlington Cemetery said they heard a sound like thousands of face palms from under the ground.

Sure, many on both sides of the aisle in DC this past Saturday behaved like drama queens. But, remember, it was Republicans who made this about freedom and liberty instead of a discussion about how to get health care to those who lack insurance. Republicans crowed about that fact, constantly reminding us about their legions of idiot summer screamers who bellowed their protests at town hall meetings and tea parties like less articulate howler monkeys.

The entire process was like watching sausage being made out of kittens and bunnies as Republicans tried to teabag fellow members of the House. And when yelling didn't work, they decided to make it about abortion, thus getting the Stupak Amendment passed. That piece of work "prohibits the use of federal funding for abortion under the public health insurance option and prohibits the use of federal affordability credits to purchase a health insurance policy that covers abortion." Which means that under no circumstances, in the House bill, can any plan that receives federal funding cover abortion. The "logic" is that, even if abortion was put in a non-federal-money-allowed category by insurers, the fact that federal money is being used in a plan frees up privately-paid premium money for abortions.

Of course, by extension of that "logic," if a woman has federally-supplemented public option health insurance, she would be paying significantly less for her health care, which would free up her own money for an abortion. So, in essence, those federal funds are indirectly going to abortions, which is what the amendment was trying to stop in the first fucking place. Or, in other words, goddamn, these pro-life fuckers have their heads jammed so far up their asses that they lick the back of their uvulas.

So, groovy, a bill barely passed the Democratic House. We've gotten to second base on health care reform. What fun. Shirts are off, nipples are being tweaked, everyone's all hard and wet, wondering when the time is gonna be right to reach into pants and start grabbing cocks and fingering cunts. To make this image completely frightening, it's up to Harry Reid whether or not we get the go-ahead to take third. And that'll be fine, but we're still virgins until we go all the way.

By the way, in his cretinous little speech on Saturday, Pence told a story about his cousin who has cancer. "He's awaiting insurance approval for an experimental treatment because his system can no longer tolerate the long regimen of chemo," Pence said. But Cuz, who, you know, has insurance, ain't a poster child for reform. Oh, no. In fact, he's against reform. He wrote to Pence, "[I]f this was a government bureaucracy, I have no faith that it would be processed in a timely manner and even then, if it would be approved. The idea of a public health care option, as a chronic cancer patient, scares the living hell out of me."

There's so much wrong with that statement that all you can do is shake your head, wish him luck, and wonder if the cancer's gotten to his brain.


Mondays on Stephanie Miller:
Hey, did you get that sexy little joke in the title? Like being on top of Stephanie Miller? Well, actually, if you read it correctly, it sounds like someone named "Mondays" is on top of her. Or that a pile of things called "Mondays" are crushing her. Shit, that's not sexy at all. Unless it is for you. Different strokes and who are we to judge and all that.

However you get your kicks, you'll get 'em for sure on Monday morning at 9:30 ET/6:30 PT when the Rude Pundit joins Stephanie Miller on her show right on yer glowing radio dials or shiny internets.


A Modest Proposal: Rape the Guy Holding the Holocaust Sign at Yesterday's Health Care Riot:
If you haven't seen it yet, here's a sign at least one person, probably two people, hoisted proudly at the Michele Bachmann Anti-Health Care Reform Mass Shit Toss in DC yesterday.

At the Mass Shit Toss, literally hundreds of people who are so brain-damaged that they actually listen to Minnesota Republican Michele Bachmann gathered to give aid and comfort to health insurance companies who would drop the shit-tossers from coverage if they broke their legs while marching. Also in the crowd were numerous old people who would be dead if they didn't have government health insurance, which does not, apparently, cover irony deficiency.

In case you can't read it, the sign says, "National Socialist Healthcare/Dachau, Germany - 1945." And that pile of bodies would be victims of the Holocaust. In other words, the signbearers seem to be saying, a public health insurance option as part of an exchange that contains mostly private insurance policies that would be semi-subsidized by some federal government money for the 15% or so of the population who are currently without health insurance is the same as the mass extermination of the Jews.

It's so ridiculously over the top that it makes the Rude Pundit wonder if it's not just some clever infiltrator attempting to discredit the entire tea party movement. If so, that's some fine subversion. But, alas, chances are this is a real sign that people spent time and money to make because they are fucking assholes.

And, really, when confronted with such an utterly depraved, soulless, cretinous gobbler of Glenn Beck's cock who looks like this...

...well, the only proper response is to say, "Rape this fucker."

Feel free to choose who should rape him: Rage-filled Jewish men who beat him senseless and then fuck his ass and face until he's choking on kosher jizz and his rectum is turned inside out? Pissed-off Jewish women who ream him with discount strap-ons and point at his tiny cock and peanut balls and laugh? A totally hung, big ass black man in order to fulfill every fear he's ever had? A bunch of illegal immigrants shoving mop and broom handles in his asshole in a sweatshop in Baltimore? Yes, he should be raped and raped and then, when he thinks the raping is done, this fuckbag should be raped again.

When the raping is done, tell him to wipe himself off with his ripped up sign. And then ask him if he's still alive. Ask him if he watched his wife get taken to a gas chamber. Ask him if he watched his kids starve to death. Ask him if he's had to live for months in a shit-covered hellhole. Ask him if he smells burning bodies. Ask him if all his possessions were taken away and his town bombed to bits. Ask him if his neighbors are alive. Because, he should be told, however awful what just happened to him was, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as what the people in his sign went through.

And then tell him he better never lose whatever shitty job he has because his ruined sphincter is now a pre-existing condition.


Why Glenn Beck Ought to Be Repeatedly Cock-Punched (Yes, Even in the Hospital):
Now that Glenn Beck's internal organs have decided, like a Michele Bachmann staff member, "Get me the fuck away from this crazy fucker" and rebelled against their host body, it is perhaps a good time to beat him while he's down.

On his radio show yesterday, before his appendix went rogue on the rest of his abdomen, Beck offered a simple excuse as to why conservative Doug Hoffman lost to Democrat Bill Owens in the NY-23 congressional race: Hoffman's a poin. Beck said, "He is not electric at all...I like him, but he is not, he's not flashy. He's an accountant eight weeks ago that nobody even knew, a complete unknown." And then Beck repeats this over and over, that Hoffman is an accountant who was "double-teamed" by Owens and Republican drop-out Dede Scozzafava.

To be fair, Beck never assumed Hoffman was going to win. On his TV show on Tuesday, he said, "Hoffman wins or loses, it doesn't matter." Because he sees that accountant who couldn't answer a question about local issues as a harbinger of things to come. "If the political parties don't hold themselves accountable, don't stop the out-of-control spending, those who love me, those who hate me, those who love Sarah Palin, and quite frankly, those who would like to put her in a cave with a really hungry grizzly bear will vote all of you out," he offered.

His erotic ursine fantasies about Palin aside, there comes a point when you actually break down how a Beck rant progresses where you realize that not only does he not know where he's going, he doesn't give a flying fuck. Because earlier, in that same rant, he said, "I mean, I really don't care about local politics all that much." And, since Hoffman took after the man he called his "mentor," it's another reason Hoffman lost. Not because Bill Owens brought the non-accountant thunder and excitement, but because he actually gave a shit about the district. (And, you know, lived there.)

But none of this matters to Beck. He says as much. All that matters is the imposition of his deranged 9/12er ideology, a political philosophy that's closer to anarchy than Emma Goldman could have ever dreamed. Beck doesn't even give a fuck if he knows who is running. From his radio show, regarding the New York City mayoral race: "Sarah, what's the name of the guy that [Bloomberg] was running against? Do you even know?" When he's told it's Bill Thompson, he responds in what might be a racist dig, "I thought it was Robinson. I had no idea." On Tuesday, on his TV show, he sputtered, "Christie -- what's his face -- running for governor there in New Jersey."

If Beck is being honest and if, as he professes, he doesn't care about candidates being Republican, then, hey, good luck with that, Republicans. If the tea partyers are willing to turn on you, you're fucked, because they're easily distracted by shiny objects, like Palin's glasses or Rush Limbaugh's fucking bizarrely white teeth.

Fuck, man, these are people who think the shit Beck says makes sense. No, it doesn't. Not in any realm of the English language. Here's how he wrapped up that election day monologue: "And all you politicians who think you're going to ride the wave of this 9/12 movement, hey, if I can pretend I'm like them, I can get elected. Really? You go ahead and try it. You try to continue the same old stuff, and if you do, you better look out, because not only are 9/12ers and tea partygoers willing to take off their shoes, they're willing to take off their boots, and they'll put it where the sun doesn't shine."

That's kind of awesome. The image Beck leaves you with is of pudgy, barefooted retards trying to manually shove footwear into the rectum of politicians who claim to be on their side.

Note: If you haven't seen The Onion's take on Beck, just watch it and laugh, especially now that his appendix has attacked him.


Shit What We Learned From Last Night:
Forget what the assholes on TV are saying about the various elections and initiatives from last night. Who gives a shit what Michael Steele is crowing about? (Transcendent? Really?) Here's all ye know and all ye need to know about yesterday:

1. In a nation of fat fucks, don't make fun of the morbidly obese candidate for being a fat fuck.
It didn't help that Democratic New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine was such a smug asshole about Republican Chris Christie's Farley-esque physique. But it also got in the way of a message that Christie was a corrupt Bush acolyte who had suckled at Karl Rove's teat. And even if New Jersey has the 10th lowest obesity rate in the nation, over half the state is overweight or obese, according to CDC numbers. So who, exactly, was Corzine appealing to in the ad that said that Christie "threw his weight around"? Hey, Jonny Fitness, shut the fuck up, pass the gravy, and tell us about your plans on turnpike tolls.

Besides, look at Christie. That lardy fucker ain't surviving a term without a massive coronary.

2. Voters hate it when rich pukes act like rich pukes.
As mentioned above, Corzine was kind of a prick who spent a ton of his own cash on the campaign, cash that he made while at Goldman "Has America By Its" Sachs. Mike Bloomberg may have won the New York City mayoral race, but the voters made that billionaire sweat Benjamins. Expected to win by more than ten points, Bloomberg got just 51% of the vote, spending $100 million of his money, a figure politely known as "fuckloads." New Yorkers came very close to telling Bloomberg to shove his anti-democratic third term and his filthy lucre up his ass.

3. White people should not have funny names.
"Creighton Deeds"? "Dede Scozzafava"? If your name sounds like a character in a Dickens novel, you will not win.

4. The Tea Party movement is a fraud.
One essential takeaway from the evening was that Glenn Beck can go fuck the horse he rode in on. First of all, his creepy-ass candidate with the wannabe child molester stare, Doug Hoffman, lost to Democrat Bill Owens in the 23rd District of New York, where Hoffman oddly did not live and knew nothing about. It was a fine way of expressing the universal sentiment, "Fucking go away, Sarah Palin, and take Dick Armey with you."

And, in a rebuke to the "lower-tax-less-government-look-at-my-sign" crowd, voters in Maine and Washington said "No" to the so-called Taxpayers' Bill of Rights, which would have created spending limits and made every new tax or tax increase put to a vote of the people of the states, thus making representative democracy worthless. Fuck, in Maine, voters said, "Hell, no" to directly repealing an excise tax on vehicles. Guess those people actually trust government and want it to function. Damn them.

Democrats should realize at this point that they have nothing to fear from the teabaggers. But they won't.

5. But it's still mostly okay to hate gay people.
While Washington narrowly defeated an attempt to overturn its gay domestic partnership law, Maine voters decided, by too big a margin, to ban gay marriage in that state. The same people who turned back the budget wrecking teabaggers and expanded medical marijuana distribution on the same fucking ballot voted against gay marriage. In other words, the people of Maine want their dope and a functioning government, but fuck the gays. It's as if voters in the booth thought, "Christ, I need one last backwards ass view."

There's only one way this goes: finally, a Supreme Court case is gonna have to decide the issue. This bullshit piecemeal approach is wrong-headed and degrading. Gay citizens in the United States are begging straight citizens to be kind enough to grant them the same rights. Put "female" or "black" in there, and we wouldn't even be having a discussion.

6. Barack Obama is viewed as a moderate.
In New Jersey, where Republican Christie won with 49% of the vote, 57% of voters in exit polls say they approve of the job Barack Obama is doing. In Virginia, where Republican Bob McDonnell won with 59% of the vote, Obama had a 52% approval rating. That means that, at the very least, a good number of independent voters who voted for a Republican, approve of Obama. Unless you think thousands of people can support right-wing candidates and wild-eyed liberals, these voters think of Obama as what he actually is: a moderate Democrat. And if so-called "moderates" won the day over all, as many of yer TV punditry are palavering about, then the President is seen as one of them.

Are we done until 2010 now?


Today's Vote Will Tell Us Nothing About Barack Obama:
On today's Morning Starbucks with Joe over on the MSNBC, the thirty or so people on the air were talking with Republican Minnesota Governor Tim "My Name Sounds Like Something Elmer Fudd Would Say" Pawlenty about the upstate New York congressional race. It's where the Republican was chased out by right-wingers, like Pawlenty, who support Conservative Party candidate Doug "I've Been Endorsed By Everyone You Hate" Hoffman. Begoateed White House correspondent Chuck Todd asked Pawlenty what the minimum basic requirements were for a politician to be welcome as a Republican. Pawlenty went through a litany of what ex-candidate Dede Scozzafava voted for as examples of what a Republican can't do (even though Scozzafava was supported by the NRA and Newt Gingrich). In other words, Pawlenty didn't answer.

Then Joe Scarborough jumped in to ask Pawlenty if he thinks Republican Senator Olympia Snowe is welcome in his vision of the GOP. While Pawlenty allowed that he's glad that Maine elected a Republican, he refused to say that Snowe should be "in the big tent" of the party. He did say that Snowe "can't deviate" on too many issues and still be in that mythical tent, which more and more seems to be KKK-robe white. Scarborough explicitly asked, "Do you want Olympia Snowe in your Republican Party?" And Pawlenty, who was once considered presumptively moderate, became the flaccid cock of the GOP weasel, and he would not say he did.

Or, to put it simply, moderate is no longer conservative enough for the GOP. Conservative is moderate. Scrawl-with-your-own-shit crazy is conservative. So, essentially, the only way to be fringe on the right is to want to blow shit up, and even then it depends on what the target is.

The media, mainstream and not, is all abuzz over what the results of today's elections, especially the gubernatorial races in Virginia and New Jersey and that 23rd district congressional race in New York, will tell us about whether or not Barack Obama and the Democrats have lost momentum and power. And the Rude Pundit's calling bullshit.

What it'll tell us is that, in Virginia, if you field a shitty candidate, that shitty candidate will lose. In New Jersey, Jon Corzine will more than likely win, so will the press say, "Hey, look, Obama's still popular"? And in NY-23, a place that's almost entirely white, where they elected two previous Republicans, where Bush barely received a majority in 2004 and Obama won in 2008?

If anyone who voted for Obama there decides to vote for Doug Hoffman and against Democrat Bill Owens because they think Obama is betraying American values or some such shit, then fuck them. They weren't real Obama supporters to begin with. And they are fickle idiots who are mesmerized when Sarah Palin sashays her magical Alaskan ass and Glenn Beck spins his hypnotically nutsy eyes in front of them. Because right now Obama isn't doing anything he didn't campaign on, the very things that are presumably why NY-23 voters, you know, voted for him. To shift to Obama-hating at this point, before any of his major efforts have actually been done, seems self-defeating at best and an eruption of suppressed latent racism at worst.

Oh, and by the way, Tim Pawlenty must have loved John McHugh, the Republican representative who was there in NY-23 before Obama nominated him to be Secretary of the Army. McHugh voted against Republicans on many issues, especially when it came to the environment, health care, and jobs. He was actually a moderate. Oh, and the guy who preceded McHugh? Republican Sherwood Boehlert? Big fuckin' environmentalist who voted against Republicans repeatedly. He works with Al Gore now. Good luck with that fuckin' tent.