Things You Gotta Hope Are True: Rumsfeld Forced to Flee Paris:
Please, please GodJesusAllahBuddhaSatan whoever or no one, let it be true that when he was in France this weekend, former Secretary of Defense and bespectacled herald of doom and destruction Donald Rumsfeld had to make a break for it when a coalition of the way-more-than willing human rights groups filed a complaint with the French courts over his authorization of torture at Gitmo and elsewhere. Just the thought that, even for a moment or two, after his attendance at a breakfast in Paris sponsored by Foreign Policy magazine, Rumsfeld feared he might be jailed and told to answer for his crimes is enough to sustain this blogger for a while. It's orgasm-inducing, isn't it? The notion that Rumsfeld was sweating, wondering if at any moment French officials might actually have les couilles to do it?

Please, and the Rude Pundit's willing to sacrifice a lamb or some other delicious animal to mad ancient deities to make it so, let it be true that "US embassy officials whisked Rumsfeld away yesterday" and that "the defense secretary fled over the open border to Germany, where a war crimes case against Rumsfeld was dismissed by a federal court." Again, again, just for a second or two, not nearly enough to compensate for all the depravity done under his nodding watch, maybe Donald Rumsfeld was grateful that France doesn't have the death penalty.

According to Harper's magazine, at that breakfast, Rumsfeld compared the United States' role in bringing "democracy" to Iraq to a parent teaching a child to ride a bike: "You have to hold up the youngster with four fingers when he’s learning to peddle. Then you use three fingers as he gets steadier, and so on and so forth. Today the U.S. is holding up the Iraqi bicyclist with two fingers but is afraid to fully let go for fear the bike might tip over." First off, any kids taught how to ride a bike by Donald Rumsfeld have gotta be horribly scarred by the fact that the fucker only held on by four fingers while they were learning to goddamn peddle. Second off, how fuckin' patriarchal white man's burden can one get? Are Iraqis the wogs?

But mostly, if the report of the talk is true (since the Harper's reporter is talking to a source who was at the talk), it's that Rumsfeld is still as insane as he ever was. The Iraq war is a delightful lesson on how to ride without training wheels? Howzabout this for a metaphor on progress towards democracy that retains the colonialist je ne sais quoi of Rumsfeld's: Iraq is like a little girl tucked tight in her bed and hoping and crying that Uncle Sam will stop his nightly visits to fuck her with two, then three, then four fingers while he jacks off while singing, "God Bless America." The thing is, even if Uncle Sam moves away, she's gonna deal for years and years with the PTSD memory of being forced to suck his old dick over and over again, how even when she bit in anger, he slapped her back into her Dora the Explorer sheets. No one likes it when Uncle Sam comes into their bedroom.

At some point, someone's gotta pay for all this. Rumsfeld's a good start, even if it is just a hope and a prayer.