Taking a Few Days of Comp Time:
My mother passed away this past weekend after battling t-cell lymphoma. So this blog will be dark for the next few days as I head back south to be with family.

I thank you in advance for watering the plants, and, while the bar is always open, leave a little whiskey for when I get back.


The Ever-Expanding Empire of Rudeness:
So there's the new book, The Rude Pundit's Almanack:

Featuring mostly never-blogged new stuff and already called "the first must-buy dirty-fucking-hippie book of 2011" over at the Daily Kos and "provocative, hilarious, and weirdly elegant" by Laura Ellen Scott in the online journal Prick of the Spindle, you can purchase the book in paperback or electronic form for now only through its publisher, up-and-coming small press OR Books.

(It's not a stretch to say that the book is being sold the same way that Radiohead is selling its latest album. [And that remark is about sales techniques, not qualitative comparisons.])

And then there's this: the Rude Pundit has joined up with writer and comic Jeff Kreisler for a new online radio show/podcast at the Progressive Radio Network. Cheater and the Rude (which is funny because it sounds like BJ and the Bear or Josie and the Pussycats) premieres its quirky, half-hour little ass this coming Thursday, March 3 at 8 pm.

In these times of upheaval, we could use a hot injection of raw rudeness.


This Never Ending Abortion War:
We proud members of the nutzoid conservative Family Research Council's Super-Duper Prayer Team are often called upon to squat and squeeze out a prayer loaf in the most extreme circumstances. The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team a few years ago under a nom de rude, and every week he receives an email with his prayicide orders. Generally, it's about gays and abortion. And this week is no exception except that it's exceptionally important.

See, a budget amendment denying federal funding to Planned Parenthood has gotten through the House of Representatives thanks to the combination of zealots, hooligans, and assholes who rule there. It's not that Planned Parenthood uses any federal funds for abortionizing fetuses. No, that's banned. But, you know, if a single red federal cent is used to clean the windows of the clinic, it's pretty much the same thing as stabbing the baby Jesus in his little heart. The problem, though, is the mean, mean Senate with its Democrat majority. And, as the FRC tells us, "But it will require a miracle for the U.S. Senate and President Obama to agree to it!" How to get that miracle? Pray, motherfuckers. What the fuck did you think you were gonna do?

Don't you get it? "Planned Parenthood's activities are an affront to our faith, our understanding of what is right and wrong, the dignity of every human being -- born and unborn, Biblical morality as it applies to human sexuality, our God-given parental rights and the sacred jurisdiction and integrity of every family and its God-given responsibility to protect its young, and much, much more." Fuck, yeah, when it's not spending 3% of its time just killing the shit out of babies, Planned Parenthood's busy smashing titties and swabbing cervixes and preventing or treating God's curse of VD and stopping fetuses from even being conceived, which seems strange, since more pregnancies means they get to kill the shit out of more babies.

So pray we must. Luckily, since we're too stupid to come up with prayers on our own, the SDPT is given the words: "Raise up an army of praying believers through whom You can pull down the spiritual strongholds and end taxpayer subsidies for this death-dealing industry." Do your prayers have the phrase "taxpayer subsidy" in it? No? Then fuck your religion, you goddamn heretic. You probably want women to have "reproductive freedom" and other satanic things. God is weeping, weeping, you fuckers, because women can still "choose" in this country, even if they're raped teenagers.

Yeah, the religious right is doubling down on the abortion bullshit, man. All across the nation, there's some kind of fucktarded competition over which state can come up with the craziest new law, from legalizing the murder of abortion providers to making women have to prove that their miscarriages were not induced (for which Jill Filipovic has the awesomest response).

None of it will pass (although who knows anymore, especially about the Planned Parenthood funding). But the Family Research Council and the abortion mullahs in Congress and state legislatures are going to keep their extremist legions happy by fighting the culture war on the bodies of women.


Note to Republican Governors: Pissing Off the Unions Is Never a Good Idea:
Here's a little recent history lesson for the day: Back in 2005, the newly-elected governor of Indiana, Mitch Daniels, on his second day in office, canceled all union contracts by executive order, ending collective bargaining rights for two-thirds of state workers, many of whom earned less than $30,000 a year. Some of those contracts were supposed to be in effect until 2007. At the time, Daniels said that union contracts were not acceptable at a time when the state faced a $1.5 billion deficit.

One would think that, like in a village where a noble knight defeated a terrible dragon, all would be well in Indiana once this workers' right was eliminated, for, indeed, Daniels said it would make the state whole. Yet here we are, in 2011, and, oh, wait, Indiana has a $1.6 billion deficit. And now Daniels wants to limit collective bargaining rights for teachers. He had wanted to turn Indiana into a "right-to-work" state, effectively killing unionization, to close the budget gap, but when Democrats in the legislature went to Illinois to stop the vote, Daniels backed down.

In 2004, Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher, and, in 2005, in his first act as Missouri governor, Matt Blunt both issued executive orders rescinding collective bargaining rights, which had been granted by previous administrations through such orders. Easy come, easy go. Blunt was at least, you know, blunt about it, saying that he didn't think state workers should have to pay dues. He didn't say it was a cure for the budget woes. He just didn't think state workers should be in unions. Would that such honesty was part of the discussion now.

Of course, what Daniels and Wisconsin Governor Scott "Eyes of a Porn Booth Masturbator" Walker and Ohio Governor John "This Is Easier Than Putting Up with O'Reilly" Kasich face now are legislative efforts to strip workers of rights. There was nothing to protest before. The executive orders were issued and unions could go fuck themselves. But, goddamn democracy, there's actually a process and rules in place. So now all three states have to deal with thousands of pissed off union workers and sympathizers who think it's bullshit that after the stupidity of massive tax cuts in the last few years (done by Democrats and Republicans) that Republicans would have the balls to suggest that budget crises have been caused not just by union contracts, but by the existence of public sector unions.

You can leave it to the turd-that-walks, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, to jiggle his jowls in the most offensive, idiotic way possible. On MSNBC, Christie said, "[T]he unions are trying to break the middle class in New Jersey." Which, if you know anything at all about the history of the nation, is a statement so crassly ass-backwards and calculatedly inflammatory that a just God would have set starving bears loose on Christie. But, oh, gee, it's darling Chris Christie. He doesn't lie. He just speaks harsh truths we all need to hear. Run that pile of shit for president.

Speaking of, it's way, way past time for President Obama to stop being such a pussy about this battle. He doesn't have to specifically address the concerns of each state (although he should). But howzabout a clear but general statement on support for collective bargaining rights, huh? Would that be so fucking hard? Or is the White House too worried that Hannity will get pissy about it? Or that it would focus attention on the fact that the White House froze the pay for federal workers?


In Brief: Scott Walker Is America's Asshole:
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's eyes have the glazed over look of a man who just jacked off to a Facebook album of your niece's fifth birthday party. Actually, that's not accurate because that assumes that Walker would try to hide his proclivities. Indeed, Walker seems more like the kind of guy who'd walk into that party with a Koch Industries dildo in his ass and tell everyone to watch while he yanked it to the musical chairs songs. God help the little girl who is in the last chair. For what else do you say about a governor whose official website has a press release titled "Walker Calls Democrat Legislators Back Into State." You got that? Not "Democratic," but the politicized, insulting "Democrat" as adjective. It's like getting a note from your boss on company stationery that calls you a "cocksucker."

In his pathetic "fireside chat" last night, Walker lied again and again to the people of his state. Not only did he not acknowledge that unions have agreed to the increases in contributions to benefit (because, if he did so, he'd have to say that the "bargaining" part of collective bargaining actually works), not only did he not mention the tax cuts he got in January, but he blamed the continuing uprising on "more and more protesters [who] come in from Nevada, Chicago and elsewhere." Why the fuck would he mention Nevada? To invoke Harry Reid? And Chicago? Well, that place is just filthy with Obama. What Walker is doing is degrading the real and actual thousands upon thousands of Wisconsinites who are marching and chanting and attempting to save their rights that they've had for half a century.

But, seriously, dude? If you're gonna start blaming outside agitators, are you gonna hire African mercenaries to fire on the crowds?

The nicest touch, though, was when Walker said he was going to start laying off state workers by the thousands if Democratic senators don't come back and let the Assembly rubber stamp his destruction of unions. "Failure to act on this budget repair bill means (at least) 15 hundred state employees will be laid off before the end of June," he threatened. "If there is no agreement by July 1st, another 5-6 thousand state workers -- as well as 5-6 thousand local government employees would be also laid off. But, there is a way to avoid these layoffs and other cuts. The 14 State Senators who are staying outside of Wisconsin as we speak can come home and do their job." He may as well have said that he's gonna start tossing the bodies of his hostages out of the state house.


A Few Lessons Learned Regarding Wisconsin:
1. Remember: elections have consequences, as long as it's a conservative who is elected. Senate Republicans in Washington did not give a flea's fart about the consequences of the 2008 elections in blocking Barack Obama's agenda that he campaigned on and won with. And for many on the right, that was just politics. But in Wisconsin? It's merely, "Well, fuckers, you elected him. Now, he gets to do what he wants."

Except for one thing: not once in his campaign did Scott Walker mention that he was even considering getting rid of collective bargaining rights for public employees. Yeah, that little detail of his "budget-cutting plan" was left out of his campaign website, for instance. And a Nexis search of "Scott Walker" and "collective bargaining" for any time before his inauguration yields only this from June 18, 2010: Questions from a Wisconsin Democratic Party press release about Walker's plan to deal with public employee pensions: "Since this gimmick will require agreement through collective bargaining, you can't guarantee any of these savings, can you? Or are you proposing the elimination of collective bargaining and wouldn't that prompt costly lawsuits?" The Rude Pundit reads that as sarcasm, as if it's too ludicrous to consider, ha-ha.

2. Remember: "compromise" means that you ask nicely if Republicans can use a condom when they fuck you in the ass and then Republicans call you "whore," fuck you without one, and demand that you say you love their cocks. The Democratic Senators in Wisconsin, as well as the unions involved in the protests, have stated, flat-out, that they will agree to the pay cut that Walker wants. The entire debate now is over collective bargaining rights. In other words, Walker will not compromise. Period. And has threatened to start laying off workers.

You got that? Scott Walker would rather kick people out of their jobs than allow unions to be able to negotiate. As Rachel Maddow and other have pointed out, this is not about fiscal responsibility. It's about a naked power grab to gut one of the only means by which citizens have a voice.

3. Remember: if the majority Democratic Congress and the Democratic president are protested by the Tea Party, that's just patriots expressing the will of the people against a tyrannical government. However, if the majority Republican assembly in Wisconsin is protested by tens of thousands of workers, that's the slippery slope to anarchy.

4. Remember: if Republicans in the Senate abuse the rules that run their house by filbustering or putting individual holds on nearly every single bill or nomination from the House or the White House, refusing to even allow them to be considered, even if it affects the actual functioning of the nation, that's just brave men and women standing in the way of Democrats enslaving the American people. But if Democrats in Wisconsin deny the Assembly a quorum by leaving the state, that's just arrogant politicians refusing to do their jobs.

5. Remember, though: the non-public unions still have the right to go on strike, motherfuckers. You haven't taken that away yet.


Abraham Lincoln Would Fuck Up Your Conservative Economic Ideology:
Just a quick one before taking a personal day: three quotes from the greatest great great president who's not Ronald Reagan (duh), since everyone's a-pondering what our forefathers and mothers might think of the Wisconsin uprising. These are from Abraham Lincoln, noted quorum-stopper and occasional Republican (whenever the GOP needs his corpse, they dig it up and make it dance, but otherwise, they just let him rot):

1. "I am glad to know that there is a system of labor where the laborer can strike if he wants to! I would to God that such a system prevailed all over the world." - From a speech on March 5, 1860 in Hartford, Connecticut, regarding a shoemaker's strike (which, believe it or not, involved 20,000 shoemakers who were not, apparently, elves).

2. "Inasmuch as most good things are produced by labor, it follows that all such things of right belong to those whose labor has produced them. But it has so happened, in all ages of the world, that some have labored, and others have without labor enjoyed a large proportion of the fruits. This is wrong, and should not continue. To secure to each laborer the whole product of his labor, or as nearly as possible, is a worthy object of any good government." - From his notes about tariff policy, scribbled down on December 1, 1847.

3. "Labor is prior to and independent of capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration. Capital has its rights, which are as worthy of protection as any other rights. Nor is it denied that there is, and probably always will be, a relation between labor and capital producing mutual benefits." - From his 1861 State of the Union address, decrying "the effort to place capital on an equal footing with, if not above, labor in the structure of government."

Hey, patriots, on this Presidents' Day, suck on those stovepipe hats.


A Brief Note of Non-Support to Gov. Walker:
Hey, Scotty W., Guv, yer highness or whatever you wanna be called by the people you expected to just wash your balls and go along with whatever ideological bullshit you decided to toss. If you had actually paid attention when you were a student at Marquette, maybe gotten better than a C average, and if you hadn't dropped out when someone dangled a half-decent job in front of you, you might have learned a bit of history. Those collective bargaining rights you want to just toss aside? Yeah, about those. People fucking died to get those and other workers' rights. That's the history of this country. Fuck, that's the history of Wisconsin. Did you really think that you could merely spit on those corpses and walk away unscathed?

You see, Walkie-baby, what's going on in your state right now is that you finally broke the camel's back. No, wait. You not only broke the camel's back, but you fucked its ass while it was lying there paralyzed in the desert. Or, to use another metaphor, the people in your state finally decided they've eaten enough shit, having sat there and watched while, in classic Republican style, you and your rubber-stamping Republican zombies in the legislature passed tax cuts that will drive your state to the very crisis you want to use to break the unions in a bare-ass naked power grab.

Since the election of Barack Obama, or perhaps since the 2006 congressional elections, Republicans have been throwing the most sustained hissy fit in American political history. See, for over half a decade, Republicans bought into that Rove black magic, thinking that if they blindly followed Bush over the brink, they'd reap the majority of majorities all over the nation. When that turned out to be a lie, fuckers went feral on our asses. But Republicans have misread the meaning of the 2010 elections (as have most people). They thought it was all about them and how much they hate those goddamn socialists. But it wasn't. No, what 2010 was really about was how much Barack Obama fucked up in keeping together the big-ass majority that voted for him. Some stayed home, some were stupid enough to run back into the crooked arms of the savage right. What it didn't mean, though, was that all of a sudden Republican ideology became accepted by the majority of the nation. Sorry, motherfuckers.

And now, as the public workers continue their uprising, as they act like engaged citizens of a democracy and not merely useful puppets who are manipulated into voting for idiots and tools, as they fight to keep a right that was battled over nearly fifty years ago, as the long-dormant force of worker action is awakened to lumbering, stunning life, as the crowds grow by the thousands, as the Democrats in the Assembly use the only tool they have left in the face of the arrogance of Republican leadership, as you, Gov. Walker, refuse to negotiate with Democrats just as you refused to negotiate with the unions, as the protests multiply against Republican assholes across the nation, oh, goddamn, how fucking stupid you must feel, like back in your classes at college.

No one told you this would be on the test, did they?


The Rude Pundit on Monday's Stephanie Miller Show:
Travel day for the Rude Pundit, a President's weekend sojourn South. So while he tries to find a second here in the JetBlue terminal to engage in more bloggery, enjoy this week's adventures with Stephanie Miller, and learn how CPAC speakers are like strippers:

As ever, you can subscribe to the free Rude Pundit podcast. And very, very soon: the Rude Pundit's new online radio show starts. Details coming next week.


Your State Sucks Because Your Government Is a Bunch of Morons:
Someday, some politician is gonna be brave enough to make the obvious argument: paying taxes is a patriotic thing to do. Yeah, he or she will be excoriated, called every variation on some tangential relation to Karl Marx that can be thought of (which is just adorable when they try to use big words they don't understand, like Maoism or Stalinism or Fidelism or whatever). But the mania behind the budget slashing is propelled by the insidious opposite argument: that government itself is unpatriotic and that to fund its actions is akin to funding the enemy. It redefines patriotism as not being about country but about individual. It doesn't make sense, does it? Well, fuck, it hasn't since Ronald Reagan started the "government is bad" bullshit. Mostly, it just means, "I'm a greedy rich fuck and I can convince the yahoos that they can be rich, too, and give me their money."

Because the argument is always that taxes are too high. And then, after that, that spending is too high. But, see, for Republicans especially, we never get to the point where taxes are fine and we're spending the right amount. We did on the federal level under Clinton, and then Bush came along and raped the economy like a passed-out fellow cheerleader with her skirt around her waist.

And for the states, facing a total deficit that's less than the amount of two years of our misguided wars or 10% of the military budget? Well, check out this example:

Kansas has a budget shortfall of $550-639 million for 2011. So the Kansas House just voted to cut spending on schools and to cut state workers' salaries, saving $50 million. And now the state is considering cutting corporate income taxes altogether, costing at least $50 million in the first year and up to $250 million a year when it's completely implemented. If you can find anything that approaches fairness there, you have an amazing ability to leap logic that'd make a frog on meth seem like a snail.

On and on and on it goes. Arizona has a $2.5 billion budget deficit. So Governor Brewer is proposing cutting Medicaid for 280,000 poor Arizonans. And then, at the same time, she wants to give businesses at least $400 million in tax breaks. It's fucking juvenile. It buys into a conservative lie that if you cut taxes a little for businesses, it'll bring in some jobs. But if you cut taxes a lot? Well, fuck, that has to bring in a shitload of jobs. Yeah, ask Ohio how that worked out. It's like saying that if a little heroin gets you high, then a whole bunch of heroin will get you really, really fucked up. Your theory fails when you're dead in a pool of your own vomit. A Republican, though, looks at that corpse and thinks, "Huh. That seems like fun."

In Wisconsin, shit is getting real. Over 12,000 people rallied against the governor's proposal to end collective bargaining for state workers. In Madison, the teachers had a sick-out in order to protest the stupidity of attempting to break their union.

In Minnesota, Governor Mark Dayton, who got elected by promising to raise taxes on the rich, is proposing to, well, shit, raise taxes on the rich as a way of bringing in money to fill his state's budget gap. What an odd thing to do: get money from people who can afford it instead of dicking over the poor or state employees.

A state is acting like grown-ups can deal with their problems? Oh, wait. The Republican legislature is already declaring Gov. Dayton's tax hike dead. Even when that brave man emerges, when that Will Kane stands there, all the townsfolk will just cower as usual.

(By the way, if you're thinking, "Well, if you like taxes so much, why don't you pay more?" And the Rude Pundit's answer is, "Go fuck yourself if you think that's any kind of response.")


Your Union-Busting State Sucks:
Man, those of us in public employee unions just fucking suck. We are awful, horrible human beings whose very existence is the very thing that's going to bring about the end of the United States. Our irrational demands for health insurance and raises that just barely keep up with the cost of living and retirement funds and wages that allow us to live relatively secure lives as good consumers and homeowners and all the things that Americans are supposed to do to keep the economy going, all that is nothing but greed as we take money from people to teach their kids and fix their potholes and pick up their trash and put out their fires. Goddamn, fellow AFL-CIO members, don't you understand that only sacrificing our benefits and collective bargaining rights can save the rich pukes of Wisconsin and Ohio and New Jersey from having to pay one more fucking dime of their precious fortunes? And if we don't like it, well, if we want to protest it by, you know, striking, a right that's been stripped from us in many state constitutions, then the National Guard will deal with our traitorous asses.

That's not hyperbole. Governor Scott Walker, who teabagged his way into office, has said that if unions have a problem with his plans to no longer negotiate with them, he'll call in the National Guard to fill in for things like prison guards. And as long as they've been called, well, it's a slippery slope to anarchy, no? Walker's trying to force workers to contribute nearly double to their health insurance and start paying part of their retirement, which one could say seems like fair belt-tightening and all that. Except that it's not. It's an 11% take-home pay cut on all public employees except firefighters and cops. You know what's one way to do some of these things? Negotiate in good faith through binding arbitration and collective bargaining agreements.

But Walker wants to terminate 'em and make workers have to vote every year to see if they want to stay unionized. Funny thing is that, even in supposedly union-friendly Wisconsin (which was stupid enough to not reelect Russ Feingold for the Senate), Republicans control both houses of the legislature, and the Senate's already announced it's got the votes. So it's bye-bye collective bargaining. Oh, and right now Madison is on the verge of becoming Cairo. Thousands of people are marching against the governor's budget. You know that Walker's feeling itchy about using the National Guard to shoot some hippies.

Yep, we're the convenient scapegoats now for years of rampant tax cutting and loophole-opening. Gov. Walker, for instance, just pushed through a tax plan that will cost the state $117 million over two years. His plan for cutting workers' salaries will save the state $30 million in the next year. Now, the Rude Pundit may not be an economist, but he's pretty sure that not cutting taxes would have accomplished a fuck of a lot more.

In Ohio, Republican then-Governor Bob Taft and the legislature slashed individual and corporate taxes back in 2005 when the state had a surplus of revenue. The Buckeye State has lost $2 billion in revenue per year, and, despite the usual desperate promises of the filthy, avaricious tax cutters, Ohio has not reaped a bounty of new jobs. No, in fact, Ohio's fucked, in the hole for $8 billion, which, again, while not having a degree from the Milton Friedman School of Suck It, Hobos, the Rude Pundit can calculate that that budget shortfall would not be there without the tax cuts. And current Republican Gov. John Kasich's solution? Maybe raise those taxes back to 2004 levels? Fuck you, commie. No, it's time to get rid of collective bargaining because it's the unions that are dragging the state down.

This is the pattern. All around the nation, against public sector employee unions, Republicans are on the attack. Fuck, New Jersey's Chris Christie's probably had a hard-on for destroying teachers since his high school gym coach made his tubby ass waddle around the track. (See, that's funny because Christie is dangerously obese.)

You know who hates unions? Bosses and people who aren't in unions and therefore don't understand what it means to have a union behind them. In Wisconsin, essentially Walker's just another boss and he's got his scab labor in the National Guard ready to step in. Maybe it's time for labor to start demonstrating again that in union there is strength.


Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Pierce His Flesh With American Flag Toothpicks:

Ron Paul is your god, dear, demented Republitarians, All worship Ron Paul. You anointed him your loser king at CPAC, the nutzoid right-winger gay blood orgy this past weekend, beating out Mitt Romney and who the fuck cares. It caused conservative spoogebucket Kevin McCullough to fan himself frantically and declare, after squealing "Oh, my stars and garters," that Paul's victory in the presidential straw poll "exposed the radically disrespectful element of the libertine." Because, says McCullough, social conservatives are where it's at (and they have much tighter assholes).

But know, foolish, sweet, innocent, silly teabaggers, that you cannot worship Ron Paul the way he would wish to be worshiped. Indeed, he mocketh you on Morning Starbucks with Joe Scarborough. Paul spaketh, regarding Tea Party members and budget cuts, "They don’t want you to touch Social Security. They don’t want you to touch anything but Obamacare. Some of them are real Republicans and they wouldn’t dare touch Bush’s increase in medical care costs, you know, prescription health programs. They treat the symptoms and they don’t look at it philosophically." Of course, a coherent philosophy to a teabagger is like gravity to a beached whale.

Ron Paul has been elevated to god status, yes, by the libertine and the ignorant and the crazy. But he is not a god. He is a mad trickster whose anarchic beliefs will end up kicking you in your balls if you attempt to agree with him. But, hey, if you want to smoke dope and shitcan Medicare, as, apparently, a number of CPAC members want, crown this motherfucker while his eyes are still spinning strongly.
Late Post Today:
The Rude Pundit is still trying to wash the scent of Bieber off his groin. Back later with more assonant rudeness.


You Want to Buy The Rude Pundit's Almanack:

(Bumped up as a gentle reminder)...

Yep, it's an actual book by the Rude Pundit. And you can pre-order it now. (What is "pre-ordering," anyways? You're ordering it, no? Anyways...)

The Rude Pundit's Almanack
is mostly spankin' new, never-blogged stuff. And the stuff what was blogged before has been updated and revised. In other words, it ain't just a bunch of shit you could read for free.

You wanna get to know the potential 2012 Republicans candidates in the rudest way possible? You wanna learn fun facts about the Founders that'll make your teabagger co-workers' heads pop off? You wanna read stories about the Rude Pundit's encounters with different conservatives? You wanna see photos from the Rude Pundit's return to the same Katrina-hit areas of Louisiana that he covered five years ago? And you want it all in a way that'll make you angry, aroused, and amused? It's all there, man, all of that, and more.

It's published by the growing small press OR Books, who also gave you Going Rouge and books by Laura Flanders, Douglas Rushkoff, and Christopher Lehmann. So order it from them and you'll support an upstart company, too.

And check out website of The Rude Pundit's Almanack for fun stuff, including a video trailer and previews a couple of the awesomely disturbing illustrations by Massachusetts artist Jennifer Kimball, exclusively for the book.

Called "provocative, hilarious, and weirdly elegant" by Laura Ellen Scott in the online journal Prick of the Spindle, The Rude Pundit's Almanack is ready to kick the ass of every other book on your Kindle or your old-fashioned shelf.
Egyptian Democracy Protesters Vs. Teabaggers: A Totally Unfair Comparison:
So the Rude Pundit was watching the (now celebratory) Egyptian uprising on CNN when he noticed that every single random protester interviewed by the news network's reporters was incredibly articulate and thoughtful in their comments on Mubarak and democracy. In English, which, one can presume, is not their first language. And then he thought about recent American "protests," the Tea Party rallies and teabag fests, and how not a single one of the "average" people interviewed there made a goddamned lick of sense. In English, which, one can presume, is the native language of the teabaggers.

Whereas an Egyptian in Tahrir Square generally says things about how Mubarak has demonstrably repressed the masses of citizens, a teabagger makes sputtering, guttural noises that amount to "Blurgh. Obama. Blurgh," which has about as much of a basis in reality as it does in English syntax and grammar. It's a fascinating phenomenon, one that should probably be studied by linguists, sociologists, and stand-up comedians.

Indeed, one of the things the events in Egypt have shown Americans is what a serious effort to overthrow a government looks like. It's enormous, it's sustained, and it's angry. If one calls one's movement a "tea party," even if it's named after the night a bunch of drunken thugs in costume hired by greedy merchants vandalized British ships, then one shouldn't be surprised if one's movement behaves like a bunch of little girls pouring water into tiny cups for their stuffed bears.

Now, below, this is a totally unfair comparison, to an extent. It's two photos from Egypt and two photos from the 9/12 DC rally (from a pro-Tea Party website):

This man is protesting on despite his injuries.

This man's sign says, "We will not quit." You can bet he's quit.

These Egyptian women are furious in their demands for justice in their children and their nation.

If you can pose and smile with your friends for a group photo that you're not ashamed to post to someone's blog and if your rally is a nice day out, then your protest is worth about as much as the effort it took to make your shitty signs.

The other difference? In Egypt, they have been revolting against a government that has stripped away their rights, with the arrest and random torture of citizens, with a three-decade state of emergency in existence, with corruption wrecking the standard of life for the populace. The Egyptians have been intense and unrelenting, sacrificing their time, their bodies, their jobs, and, in some cases, their lives in order to guarantee democracy in their country, doing so with comparatively little violence. In the United States, a few cranks didn't like the way an election went. And they wandered aimlessly for a little while, listening to their incoherent speakers, fondling their guns that most of them will never really use, but, oh, they can fantasize, and then they went home until it was time to vote again, probably stopping at the Taco Bell drive-thru on the way to watch Beck on the Tivo.

Now, which method worked? So, dear, pseudo-active teabaggers, put up or shut up. But mostly, shut up. And enjoy the sight of an actual revolution instead of your fake one. Watch history being made instead of pretending that you are part of anything other than a minor blip on a dim radar.


The Rude Pundit on This Week's Stephanie Miller Show:
Do you want to hear the Rude Pundit and Stephanie Miller talk about violating the corpse of Ronald Reagan? Of course, you do.

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Welcome to the Monkeyhouse, GOP:
Hey, GOP, welcome to your new reality. You decided to mainstream the deranged and mentally handicapped in your party and you let them in your Congress and now you have to deal with the consequences of them dumbing things down for everyone. Yeah, it was really a big bag o' fun back in November, when fucktardation was all the rage, when candidates who couldn't tell a stimulus project from pig's ass and who thought that the weather's fucked up because because Jesus has gas won elections across the scared shitless nation. Hoo, boy, what a big time it was, with even supposedly moderate Republicans telling audiences that a black man was gonna murder their white grandmothers by slitting their throats with his razor of health care. Yeah, riling up the bloated sign scrawlers and geriatric cart-riders was just so easy to do when you tell 'em that their jobs are being given away by a Kenyan Muslim who wipes his ass with the Constitution, when, in reality, if someone were to test that skid mark, it'd show Republican DNA (and corporate semen) on that founding document. Ho, man, it seems so long ago when a nasally, four-eyed twat and a paranoid, screechy, Mormon dick were viewed as legitimate voices in the national dialogue. Good stuff, motherfuckers, good stuff. And so very 2010.

Now, in a House of Representatives filthy with the loons and mongoloids of the right, the GOP is attempting something like legislating. But, lo, if you plant fruitcakes, the fruitcakes shall bear fruit: the neo-libertarians of the Tea Party actually said, "Um, fuck, no," to extending parts of the Patriot Act. See, Majority Leader Eric "Boehner's Boner Buddy" Cantor and Speaker of the House John "Look, There's Cantor on My" Boehner thought they could once again manipulate the procedures of the House and bring up the Patriot Act provisions on surveillance under a suspension of rules, which limits amendments and debate and is usually used when someone wants to officially honor something, like National Turtle-Fucking Day or some such shit. Except it requires a two-thirds majority. And when 26 Republicans defected and joined liberal Democrats, the bill failed, which, as we now know, qualifies as a major Boehner. (High five, anyone?). Then it happened again on a bill where the leadership wanted to take money away from our United Nations dues to pay for new security measures for the, you know, United Nations building, which New York GOP Rep. Peter King (who blissfully did not take off his shirt for a photo) said was a stupid idea since New York City needs, well, security. Then Boehner just fucking bailed on a trade bill.

Here's the deal: there's a reason that a nation run by its betters is a better run nation. The problem is that what we equate with "better" is often bullshit. You made a lot of money at something, like, say, car alarms and insurance fraud? Well, fuck a duck, that means you must be good at making decisions that affect the lives of millions of people. If you yelled louder than your opponent and were crazy anti-government, even though you were ironically running for a position in the government (which is a little like saying, "I'm a hardcore environmentalist. Now watch while I drill this new deepwater well for BP"), then you were seen as somehow sane enough to be elected. A nation that legitimizes corruption and incompetence through its electoral process is a nation that deserves the shitty government it gets.

It's not just Boehner and whatever speck of intelligence is left in the GOP that's in trouble. Remember: these fuckers are gonna pass shit. They're deeply invested in making abortion illegal (which, ironically, would eliminate a lot of jobs), no matter who's hurt. Hell, at this point, attacking Planned Parenthood's funding just seems like another part of the war on the poor that the Republicans are engaged in, taking it out, as usual, on women and children, especially, for the goal of somehow, someway cutting shit for the sake of saying shit was cut.

A wise White House would exploit this dissent, not try to work with it. And certainly not try to abet its savage excesses.


In Brief: The "Insanity" of the GOP Reaction to Energy Independence Projects:
Yesterday, Joltin' Joe Biden announced that the Obama administration, of which he is part, wants to spend $53 billion on a high-speed rail system for the United States o' America, the country of which he is Vice President. That's $53 billion over six years, which, according to the Rude Pundit's awesome mathematical abilities, works out to be roughly John Boehner's monthly Kleenex budget.

Of course, immediately, Republicans walked over to the idea and took a piss on it. It's "insanity," opined Pennsylvania Congressman Bill Shuster, who chairs the Railroad Subcommittee in the House. Yes, yes, how dare we spend money on necessary things when there are taxes that need to be cut and fetuses that need to be saved (except by government-related health care). Yes, yes, how dare a nation that needs to be smaller and smaller dare to think in even minor terms of how big things might be done. Insanity, indeed.

Of course, when President Bush was in office and Republicans ran the House until 2006, Representative Shuster couldn't get enough of spending. If tax dollars were cocaine, Bill Shuster would have a very bloody nose. 'Cause, see, Shuster also voted for, among other bloated Bush-era budget busters, the 2006 Emergency Supplemental Act, which included nearly $67 billion for a single year of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Essentially, this country's like the kids of crack addicts: they don't have money for food 'cause Mom and Dad blew it all gettin' high.

The Rude Pundit imagines that, in the short and long runs, the "insane" investment is not the one that reduces our dependency on foreign oil. But, you know, that would be logic and logic is, in and of itself these days, insane.


Why Glenn Beck Ought to Be Repeatedly Cock-Punched (Caliphate Edition):
If you think about it in the right context, what Bill O'Reilly did in his interview with President Obama this past Sunday was really quite masterful. Yeah, yeah, sure, the whole thing was boring bullshit, but listen:

Let us say, and why not, that you're Fox "news" host Bill O'Reilly (and if you are, let the Rude Pundit take this opportunity to ask, "Have you worked out that whole gravity thing?"). You've been the network's star since day one. And you used to be the headline guy, the one who said things that you called "truth" and others called "nutzoid," and, goddamn, you were pretty much the Walter Cronkite of this new version of "news" that Roger Ailes created. But ever since this Glenn Beck has arrived with a rucksack full to bursting with lunacy, you've seen your light dim just a bit (even if your ratings have remained fine - it's not like elderly shut-ins are gonna change their viewing habits this close to death).

Beck ain't as popular as you are, sure. But motherfucker gets the headlines. Now, no one really gives a shit what you say unless it's something about how the tides work. And when you try to take a drive to crazy town, you just sound like you're pathetically trying to shove yourself into Beck's spotlight.

And that guy's gone completely bugfuck. Jesus, he's even got other conservatives shitting themselves, as if they're running out of a building before the bomb ticks down to zero. You gotta hand it to Beck, though. The son of a bitch is doubling down on psychotic. Here he is from his TV show yesterday: "Progressive, socialist, Marxist groups, religious groups, green groups, communist, powerful unions led by communists, SEIU, AFL-CIO, radical group like La Raza -- what did all of these groups, what were they all working together for? Well, in one way or another, they want to end the Western way of life as you and I understand it." That's some masterful madness right there. One might think that if a large percentage of the American population was working to overthrow everything everywhere, one might see more evidence of it than the broad interpretations of a delusional TV host who is willing to dress like Moses to show us all who's gonna lead us out of Egypt. Or some such shit. Truly, who the fuck knows anymore. All he cares about is that "caliphate" sounds scary and foreign.

Here's some more from yesterday: "They're working together to help stomp out the free market and capitalism. They'll work everything else out later. That's why Code Pink and the AFL-CIO can stand together in America. And it's why they're rushing in to support the democratic revolution in Egypt." And, no joke, in the course of an hour, Beck connected Van Jones, the unionization of the TSA, the Muslim Brotherhood, and community organizers into one grand unified theory of world domination. Somehow, this will bring about the apocalypse. Because it just will. Apparently, liberals are willing to overlook all other goals having to do with equal rights and freedom and throw in with Islamic extremists in order to overthrow capitalism. The Rude Pundit must have missed that meeting.

But let us get back to you, dear Bill O'Reilly. Look, you know you're not gonna out-crazy Beck. For, at this point, watching Beck is like watching a shit-covered dog sit in a sewage ditch and lick its own balls for an hour at a time. One just wonders if the dog realizes it's rolling in feces, if it's hurts its neck to lick its balls for so long, and why one can't turn away from the disgusting and confusing sight. So, unless you're willing to get down in that stream of human waste and fuck that dog, you're just not crazy enough to go nose-to-nose with it. (It seems more of a Hannity thing to do, anyways.)

So you went in the other direction in your Obama interview. You played the rational dissenter. You decided to traffic in an illusion of credibility as a reflection of Beck's irrationality. You have positioned yourself for Beck's coming fall. And it is coming. You come out looking good in the context of Beck's waves of paranoiac rantings.

Ultimately, Beck is to O'Reilly what George W. Bush is to Ronald Reagan: the devolved version that makes the terrible original seem less odious by comparison. We shouldn't forget, however, how truly awful O'Reilly is. The lesser of two evils is still evil.


In Brief: Breaking a Sarah Palin Fast:
A couple of weeks ago, on January 19, prior to Dana Milbank's call for a Month With No Palin, the Rude Pundit had declared on the magical Facebook machine that he would take a breather from wasting the precious moments of his short life on this dying earth talking about the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. He didn't swear that he'd do a month. He said "at least a week." He's lasted far longer. And what rushing moose broke the beaver dam of inattention?

This: "I have a journalism degree, that is what I studied. I understand that this cornerstone of our democracy is a free press, is sound journalism. I want to help them build back their reputation and allow Americans to be able to trust what it is that they are reporting."

And this: "I'm not real enthused about what it is that is being done on a national level from DC in regards to understanding all the situation there in Egypt and in these areas that are so volatile right now, because obviously it’s not just Egypt but the other countries too where we are seeing uprisings."

And this: "[N]ow the information needs to be gathered and understood as to who it will be that fills now the void in the government. Is it going to be the Muslim Brotherhood? We should not stand for that, or with that or by that. Any radical Islamists, no, that is not who we should be supporting and standing by."

Those are all from an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, a venue so friendly to Palin that it makes Fox "news" look like Cardinal Richelieu's men on an iron maiden bender. She had shut the fuck up for a little while (except for a bizarro Facebook rant on how much she hated Obama's State of the Union address). But now she's weaving sentences that are so incomprehensible that you wonder if there's a race of extraterrestrials she's actually speaking to. Or maybe it's just the solemn call of the loon. Or teabagspeak. Either way, she has as much business talking about Egypt as a deranged rat has.

She and Glenn Beck are teetering on the brink of oblivion. They are hanging by their thumbs above a black hole that will suck them away, into irrelevance. And who are we not to give them a nudge? In fact, who are we not to stomp on their fingers until they are screaming into the void and disappearing from our public consciousness for good (or until they show up on Celebrity Rehab Fat Club for Attention Whores or something).
Late Post Today:
Still getting over being ear-raped by Fergie. Back in a bit with more illustrious rudeness.


Nine (or So) Ways to Celebrate the Centennial of Ronald Reagan:
Yes, sir, it's time to break out the bowls of jelly beans and the VHS copy of King's Row. Check your horoscope to make sure it's cool because we gotsta, gotsta, gotsta have ourselves a big ol' Gipperfest this weekend. It's the centennial o' the birth o' the greatest President that ever Presidented in Presidentin' history. Ronald Reagan, motherfuckers. The man who knocked down the Berlin Wall with a single swing of his mighty dick while finger-fucking Margaret Thatcher and taking a shit on Grenada. He would have been 100 years old had he lived to see this coming Sunday, but who needs the birthday boy when you can have all the cake you want?

Fuck, yeah, let's drag his bones outta the ground so we can grind them up and freebase the dust so that we can shoot it straight into our veins so we can feel some of that Reagan morning in America high one more time, fuckin' A, that shit's like the finest heroin. You get that in ya and you feel that brief buzz, that warmth and delusion of goodness and rightness that tricks your brain into believing that the high is reality and reality is just the buzzkill. No wonder Republicans are addicted to it. No wonder so many Democrats wanna get stoned on it, too.

You can come up with your own ways to celebrate that don't involve shooting up. Like:

1. Go to Best Buy and max out your credit cards on the most extravagant, useless shit you can find, like 3-D TVs and smart phones that you can implant in your brain so you can only think in Google searches and text messages. Make sure it's expensive. Then, when you're tens of thousands of dollars in debt, make sure you die so that your kids have to pay for all of it.

2. If you're pissed off at your neighbor, but he's an ex-boxer, go to the local day care center and kick the asses of the children there. Declare that you win, even if no one knows what you were fighting for.

3. Do the following to the local homeless people: Take their coats and shoes. Punch them repeatedly in the stomach. Give crack to their kids. Pawn their shopping cart of possessions. Give the money to the richest family in town. When a homeless woman asks for a coat because it's cold, accuse her of being both lazy and a thief. And set her war-vet husband on fire.

4. When Jehovah's Witnesses come to your house, invite them in. Tell them that they can stay as long as they like. Tell them that you want them to be happy. Promise to bring all your friends over to meet them. And when you move out, tell them that, even if someone new moves in, they can stay.

5. If you have an STD, especially herpes, genital warts, and/or crabs, fuck people from the following nations: Nicaragua, El Salvador, Iraq, Afghanistan, Chile, and, if you have time, someone black from South Africa. Do not tell them about your disease(s). Let them figure it out for themselves.

6. Ignore the illness one of your kids has. If it spreads to your other kids, blame the first child. If your spouse tries to take them to the doctor, divorce him/her.

7. When your favorite team wins the Super Bowl, convince everyone that it was because you bought their t-shirt. If anyone says that is a ridiculous assumption, call them traitors to the team.

8. If you have a job where you drive a bus or pilot a plane, one where the lives of people are immediately in your hands, beat your head against the wall until you don't know who you are or where you're going. Then go to work.

9. Gather your family. Tell everyone that they need to give a little of their money to support the household. Tell your kids that they are going to get less of an allowance so that the pain is spread evenly. Cancel Christmas for everyone but you. See #1.

(Bonus way to celebrate: Read the Rude Pundit's "tribute" to Reagan upon his death in 2004. It's the finest way to skullfuck the memory of the awful, cruel, incompetent puppet of a man who set the nation on its current path to doom and demise.)


The Rude Pundit on Monday's Stephanie Miller Show:
On Monday, the Rude Pundit and Stephanie Miller had a gentle lovers' spat over the State of the Union address but were wholeheartedly in agreement about how cold-hearted Republicans are towards women.

You can keep the Rude Pundit close to your iPod-covered heart by subscribing to his free podcast.
Why Ann Coulter Is a Cunt, Part 1,390,873: Hackdom Edition:
Let us take a break from protest violence and health care reform stupidity and blizzards and typhoons to enjoy the exquisite thrill of kicking someone when she's down:

How awful it must be to be Ann Coulter, especially right now. On that horrible precipice that, to the disgrace of our sexist society at large, many women face of having to choose between aging gracefully and openly or becoming a Joan Rivers-esque plastic surgery gargoyle. Looking around as she sees that her brand of crazy has been co-opted from her by younger, hotter, and dumber upstarts or one-upped by the even crazier, like Glenn Beck and his conspiracy theories so barking-at-one's-own-shit insane that UFO conspiracy theorists say, "Whoa, motherfucker, that's nuts." Yeah, one might feel pity for Ann Coulter if she didn't have a long, long history of being such a cunt.

For, indeed, in her latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the mangled blood coughs of a rhetorical emphysemic on her last bits of lung"), Coulter, who, as the Rude Pundit demonstrated a few years ago, likes to plagiarize the fuck out of people in order to avoid doing any work, cuts and pastes a large section of one of her "books," which itself was a cut-and-paste job of a column. No, let's put that more clearly: the vast majority of her new column is merely shit she published three years ago.

From her new bit of sputum: "In a comprehensive study of all public, multiple-shooting incidents in America between 1977 and 1999, the highly regarded economists John Lott and Bill Landes found that concealed-carry laws were the only laws that had any beneficial effect." She then goes on to list various incidents, including "In 1998, two students in Craighead County, Arkansas, killed five people, including four little girls, before the killers decided to stop and attempt an escape." Her subject for the piece? How wimpy liberals don't understand the need for high-capacity magazines for guns, even if Jared Loughner used one in Tucson.

From her 2008 tome If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans, page 123-124: "In a comprehensive study of all public, multiple-shooting incidents in America between 1977 and 1999, the highly regarded economists John Lott and Bill Landes found that concealed-carry laws were the only laws that had any beneficial effect on saving lives." She then goes on to list various incidents, including "In 1998, two students in Craighead County, Arkansas, killed five people, including four little girls, before deciding to attempt an escape." Her subject for the chapter? Concealed carry laws.

Again, this ain't about a single line. It's about the majority of the new column.

Oh, wait, speaking of a single line, there's also this from a 2009 piece titled "Liberal Victimhood: A Game You Can Play at Home": "In a comprehensive study of all public multiple shooting incidents in America between 1977 and 1999, economists John Lott and Bill Landes found that the only public policy that reduced both the incidence and casualties of such shootings were concealed-carry laws." The subject of the piece? Oh, who the fuck knows.

And the origin of the whole thing? A 2007 column on gun-free zones around schools, where Coulter "wrote," surprisingly, "In a comprehensive study of all public, multiple-shooting incidents in America between 1977 and 1999, the inestimable economists John Lott and Bill Landes found that concealed-carry laws were the only laws that had any beneficial effect." (By the way, this study has been mostly discredited.)

Gotta say, when this she-beast gets her teeth into a piece of information, she not only doesn't let it go, but she repeats it in the exact same way every goddamn time she uses it. If Coulter were to be held to even the lowest expectations for a supposedly syndicated writer (although, seriously, does anyone's newspaper carry her? Last the Rude Pundit heard, she was in two), she would still be called "a hack." Yeah, you can quote yourself. Yeah, it's might or might not be technically plagiarism. But it's unethical as hell to pass off old work as new, to not even mention that you're just pasting previously published shit and go fuck yourself if you care (which most of her remaining readers won't).

So, one could ask, and one should, "Why the fuck bother? If Coulter's way past her expiration date and getting lumpy and stinky, why not just walk away?" And the answer is simple: because fuck her. Because she's responsible in no small part for our current disgusting state of political argument. Because you don't get a free pass. Even if, sometimes, the only way to get revenge on the monsters in this world is to piss into their graves.


A Photo From the Last Calm Moments of the Egyptian Protests:

That's a photo from late last night in Tahrir Square in Cairo. The gathered thousands and thousands of people stopped their protest and their lynchings of Mubarak effigies and paused to watch President Barack Obama tell the world that "an orderly transition [of power] must be meaningful, it must be peaceful, and it must begin now."

He was threading a diplomatic needle, in a way, standing with the protesters while still allowing Mubarak some unnecessary dignity, trying, as Obama does so very often, to have his cake without admitting that he likes cake so no one can accuse him of being a cake eater. What did it mean, the transition that starts now? Does it last until September, when Mubarak says he won't stand for reelection? Does it last a couple of days? Christ, it would have been so easy for Obama to explicitly say that Mubarak must step down. It would have electrified the citizens, the people on the street, all over the Middle East, in Egypt, in Jordan, in Yemen.

It didn't matter; the old dictator told the young president to go fuck himself. Egypt's foreign minister rejected Obama's statement. And, of course, he blamed the West for the violence that is now occurring in Cairo.

Now, with the government ordering the protests to end, the Rude Pundit is thinking about when he was in a hotel room in Houston over 20 years ago, watching the crushing conclusion of the Tiananmen Square demonstrations. And he's thinking, as perhaps those people in the picture up there, "Not again, not again, not again."
Late Post Today:
The Rude Pundit needs to make sure that Anderson Cooper's sweet nose isn't broken. Back later with more ice-coated rudeness.


How to Save Health Care Reform Even If It's Overturned:
If the Rude Pundit was some kind of strategist for Democrats right now, the first thing he'd do is smack West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin's rock-shaped head just on principle. Then he'd be laying down a ramp for getting out of the health care reform quagmire of bullshit that Democrats have found themselves waist-deep in. Because, see, the Supreme Court is probably going to be making a decision in 2012 on the Obama administration's appeal of Judge Rodger Vinson's decision that the entire Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2010 be tossed aside like a used fuckrag. That means that, like the 2010 debacle, the 2012 election will be another referendum on health care reform, and, oh, fuck, do we really wanna go through that again? Do we really wanna see morbidly obese diabetics and stroke victims-to-be waddling around with illiterate protest signs as they demand their right to go bankrupt when they lose their insurance? Fer fuck's sake, no.

Look, the Rude Pundit was one of those on the left who celebrated the "flawed but necessary" law because, like on a date with a particularly shy virgin, you gotta get to first base before you can feel some boob. The bill was the start, not the end. And it sucked in lots of ways, mostly because the White House and the Senate fucked up by negotiating away a public option and, with the individual mandate, by enriching the vile health insurance companies who pushed the nation to crisis in the first place because of some abstract notion of the "good" of the free market. And it was all to pleasure the withered balls of Ben Nelson. But even the President approached the law's passage as merely a step to solving the larger problem. We on the left were told again and again, by people we trusted, that this was a good law, that it was better than nothing, that it contains many provisions that change the game for Americans with insurance (that part's true), and that Congress would be able to go back and "fix it" later. Then Democrats lost their nerve and cowered and ran from health care reform like they were being chased by a chainsaw-wielding Glenn Beck. Meanwhile Republicans controlled every aspect of the discussion of it, even if it was an argument that Democrats could have easily won (and still could, according to most polls). Thus we got a nice chunk of the losses of last November.

So the Rude Pundit would advise the White House to start prepping for what happens if the Supreme Court strikes down the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. That means more than just a few rallies by the president. That means that Democrats need to get on board, especially those who voted for it. Shit, it's gonna be used against Democrats in 2012, even if everyone who supported it ends up claiming they were victims of Kenyan hoodoo mind-control. Double down on that motherfucker. Make commercials with people who benefited from it. Run 'em on Fox "news" to twist the heads of the yahoos. It won't be difficult.

Wanna know why? Here's a real conversation between the Rude Pundit and an ultraconservative relative this month:

Relative: We got good news. [Relative's pregnant wife] won't have to have her baby at the charity hospital because we found out we qualified for Medicaid. We're not sure how that happened, but it did. And instead of going to a clinic for check-ups, she gets to go to one of the best ob-gyn doctors in town.

Rude Pundit: You wanna know why? You're not gonna like it.

Relative: (sighing, knowing what's coming) Go ahead.

Rude Pundit: Because Obama's health care reform expanded Medicaid. It just went into effect.

Relative: So I guess I have to support it now.

Rude Pundit: Yeah, you do.

That's an absolutely true story. Feel free to use the script for an ad. (And, yes, the true teabaggers would say, "Hey, look, she could have gone to the clinic and the charity hospital and ain't that great." And you can say, "Either way, you're paying for it, motherfucker. This way's just cheaper overall.")

In other words, make it so that people fucking fear the Supreme Court overturning the law. Make it so that they're willing to vote out of office anyone who wants to take it away. Make it so that they're begging for the law to have a public option so that there's no question over the constitutionality of it (remember: we're prepping for a negative ruling). Make it so that the next Congress will have to fix it.

The anti-health reform forces scare people into thinking it's the beginning of communist tyranny fascistic Nazi Stalinism. Or some such shit. The counter-argument can't be, "No, that's silly." It has to be, "You'll fucking die without it."