6/14/2019

Bricks and Babies: You Can't Win a Fight Against the Delusional

If you ever happen to find yourself in Waskom, Texas, a tiny burg across the Louisiana state line off I-20, a place best described as "twister bait," you might wanna head on over to the Great American Mural that covers the front of the We Buy Houses 123 building in the middle of town. It's a mighty huge thing, what with its portrayal of the Twin Towers at the World Trade Center in a dull, gray New York City; an extraordinarily masculine Statue of Liberty; and images of Waskom's heroes, including the fire chief and Turbo, a local dog who has two purple hearts from his time in Afghanistan. This is not to mention the aircraft and helicopter on there, the Iwo Jima part, and more.

It's charming in a hyper-nationalist way. It looks like if Shepard Fairey went bankrupt and figured he'd grift the rubes for some quick cash.

Yeah, they love them some Uhmerka there in Waskom. I bet all 2200 of the locals just love the fuck out of Uhmerka. And the Waskom City Council decided to prove just how fucking much they love Uhmerka by passing a local law that defies the U.S. Supreme Court, which is absent from the mural.

Yup, the five-white-guy council unanimously voted to ban abortion in Waskom, except in cases of "rape, incest or serious risk to the mother's life." It's obviously a completely unenforceable, utterly useless law. But Waskom won't be shown up by those uppity states like Alabama and Mississippi. The council declared Waskom a "sanctuary city for the unborn," which, get it?, is a totally hilarious slap in the face to sanctuary cities for undocumented immigrants. Take that, libtards.

(Question: If an undocumented immigrant in Waskom is pregnant and a fetus is a person at the time of conception, is the fetus now American? If not, is Waskom a sanctuary city for the undocumented unborn? I need to know the limitations here.)

The country is going through a period of peak madness about abortion rights. I was on the phone with a pal in a deep red part of North Carolina last night who said he generally tries to avoid talking politics down there, but he found himself in a conversation about it with a man, an acquaintance from Virginia. The man said he didn't understand how anyone could vote for Democrats because we allow doctors to take babies who are just born and kill them with a brick.

My response was "Ok, first off, that's fucking insane. Second, a brick? Who needs that mess? Babies are easier to kill with your bare hands."

Apparently, the man explained, New York passed a law that said it was cool to commit infanticide by brick. My pal said to the man, "Yeah, that's not in there. Did you read the New York law?" No, the man said, but he had heard. "That's your problem," my pal explained. "You heard. You don't know."

But no one gives a shit about science and reality. I regularly get people telling me on the Twitter machine that liberals support murdering newborns. That's where the conversation on abortion is right now for too fucking many Americans. In other words, there is no conversation. When people wholeheartedly believe something that is completely, patently, blatantly untrue, your puny facts aren't going to put a dent in that level of delusional stupidity.

Waskom, Texas, doesn't have a clinic that performs abortions. The nearest one is across the state line, in Shreveport, Louisiana, about 30 miles away. It's over 160 miles to the one in Dallas. So no woman is going to get an abortion in Waskom that she doesn't induce herself. And the jury's still out on whether that means Killion's Pharmacy is gonna carry the morning after pill. Either way, abortion isn't a an issue in Waskom.

What is a problem there is meth. They found e coli in the town's water source. There have been at least two murders this year, which gives Waskom a higher murder rate than most of the big cities in the United States, as well as a number of assaults.

Like so many other places in this damned land, the yahoos have been convinced that something that isn't an issue at all must take precedent over real issues. That protecting a fetus is more important than securing the lives of the actually living. Here is how one Waskom resident put it on Facebook: "The Town of Waskom agreed to run the city according to the will of God in regards to the Right To Life. We expect to be challenged but God is on our side so we have faith that every challenge will be overcome with prayer and steady faithfulness to do the Lord's Will."

You gotta know what you're up against. Your Twitter or Insta feeds aren't gonna tell you that. This shit is out there and it's nuts. They think we're bashing in babies' heads with bricks. You're not gonna convince that person that they're wrong. You're not gonna rationalize and present reasonable counter arguments. You gotta write them off for now and concentrate on shoring up the power of the sane people.

6/13/2019

Trump: Let's Do Some Collusion, Motherfuckers

President Chucklefuck McBloatface had multiple reasons for telling ABC News's George Stephanopoulos that he'd gobble up information from a foreign government about his political opponent in 2020 like an eager cum whore swallows jizz at a Pride Month circle jerk. First, if he said that he'd go to the FBI, he'd be admitting that he or Jared "Dead Boy Eyes" Kushner or "good young man" Donald Trump, Jr., did something wrong when they were offered (checks notes) information from a foreign government about his political opponent in 2016. And this vile shithead would never say he was wrong.

This is part of the strategy of declaring, repeatedly, that what was laid out in the Mueller report wasn't a crime on the Trump campaign's part, that whether or not there was "collusion" was besides the point. A few months ago, Rudy Giuliani, pausing while drinking the blood of an infant, stated flatly that taking information from a foreign government, even if that information was stolen, was not criminal. The only reason Mueller didn't charge Dead Eyes or Good Young Man with a crime is because he's pretty sure they were too fucking stupid to know that what they were doing by meeting with Russians was a crime.

One thing Trump said was kind of interesting. He compared getting this information to "oppo research," and that's led throbbing assholes like Lindsey Graham to speciously compare it to the Steele dossier, which brought the connection between Trump and Russia to the FBI's attention (via John McCain). While trying to split this really wide hair (research on an opponent that a candidate contracts someone to do is not the same as Syria showing up and saying, "I've got emails we stole. Let's have a secret meeting and boogie"), Trump said, "I would guarantee you that 90 percent, could be 100 percent, of the congressmen or the senators over there, have had meetings--if they didn’t they probably wouldn’t be elected-- on negative information about their opponent." When pressed by Stephanopoulos on even if the meetings were with agents of foreign countries, Trump said, "Possibly. Possibly. But they don’t call the FBI. You don’t call the FBI every time you hear something that maybe--now, you see the people."

Now, you could look at this as Trump covering his ass after he said he'd commit a crime. But another way to see that comment on members of Congress is as a threat. Because if the only people who can do anything to stop him are in Congress, then you can sure as shit bet that he's gonna let them know that they're gonna go down with him if they gun for him on this. Yeah, I think that was a warning that he's got the goods on (most likely) Republicans and the help they've gotten from other nations. I think that was him saying that they better build a wall with their bodies around him or he'll burn it all down before he takes the fall.

Of course, Trump was also announcing to the world that he's open for business. "C'mon, China and Russia, grab me by the pussy," Trump was saying, "I love it." You only do that shit if you're already in so far deep that it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And you're an idiot. So it's clearly Trumpian.

A couple of Republicans have spoken out to say, "Well, gee, that's not right." And Democrats have fumed a mighty fume and even tried to get a law passed that did something that doesn't matter because it was blocked by sentient turdpile Mitch McConnell.

That last part is particularly galling because Democrats should be going to fucking war today. See, one other thing that Trump did in the interview that hasn't really been reported is that he once again accused Hillary Clinton and Democrats of committing crimes. Yeah, that's right. Right after admitting that he didn't give a shit if he or any politician breaks the law, he got all self-righteous about Clinton again. In one of his verbal diarrhea blasts, Trump said, "She deleted 33,000 emails from--sent by the United States Congress. They gave a subpoena to Hillary Clinton for 33,000 emails. After the subpoena was gotten, she deleted them. That’s called obstruction. And her lawyer should also be looked at because her lawyer--she’s got to have the greatest lawyer on earth because she does that, he did the deleting, supposedly. Not only did they delete, but they acid washed them."

We don't need to go through all the lies in that. And while Trump didn't specifically say that Clinton should be in jail, he did tell Stephanopoulos, "If you did that, you would’ve been put in jail."

Jesus fuck, Democrats, at least have the guts to defend your own.

(Note: If your reaction to this is that the United States interferes in foreign elections and we're just getting payback, well, you are so very smart. Have a cookie. And shut the fuck up because a whole hell of a lot of us think that meddling in other countries' elections is wrong no matter who does it.)

6/12/2019

Proposal: Stop Being Assholes About Immigration

Admittedly, it was an intentionally provocative comment I made yesterday in a group of people who didn't want to talk about politics. Someone had brought up how she hates Trump, other were telling her to keep it to herself, and so I said, "Well, for me, it comes down to this: You're either pro-babies in cages or you're anti-babies in cages. I happen to be anti. That shouldn't be a controversial position."

"Where are babies in cages?" another woman asked.

"We're keeping kids and babies in camps," I said, surprised that she didn't know this. "The United States. We've put kids in large cages. We just have."

A man said, "What should we do with them?"

For me, the answer was obvious. "Not put them in cages," I responded.

A second man said, "You know how many women get raped by the coyotes who are taking them across the deserts to here? Women and young girls take contraception because they know they're going to be raped." And then he started talking about rape trees, which you can look up if you want.

I said, "What's your point? That migrants are treated shitty when they're trying to get to the United States? That at least we're not raping them? Just because someone else hurts people worse doesn't mean we get a pass on hurting them less. We should be better. Way better." And I went off on how, after the torture of Iraqi prisoners and detainees by American soldiers was revealed, some people would say shit like "You should see how they treat them in Syria or Saudi Arabia," as if the fact that we're not ripping off fingernails excuses our waterboarding.

Basically, though, my point was to stop putting babies or, hell, anybody who hasn't committed a crime in a cage. And let's be as absolutely fucking clear as can be: if you travel to the United States and present yourself at a port of entry to ask for asylum, you are not committing a crime. And if you cross into the US elsewhere and ask for asylum when border agents pick you and your family up, you've committed at most a misdemeanor, illegal entry.

The nihilistic policies of the Trump administration, which basically come down to "Give us money or fuck you," whether it has to do with climate change or with aid to Central American countries, are helping to drive the rise in migrants. In other words, we are fucking up the lives of people whose lives are so fucked up that they would rather face a journey filled with potential violence and being put in a cage or concentration camp than face the starvation, violence, and misery of their homes. They're so desperate that they're crossing the flood-swollen Rio Grande River and canals near El Paso, Texas, and some are likely dying right there at the border.

So maybe we could stop that last part. Maybe we could stop being assholes, at least to the children. Because right now, we're the fucking assholes. That's a choice we're making as a country, to be assholes. We could also choose not to be assholes.

How much are we being assholes? At the Paso del Norte International Bridge in El Paso, over 100 men are being held in what one observer described as a "human dog pound." They're in an open pen in the 100 plus degree heat, and some have been there over a month without a change of clothes or shower. All for not breaking the law.

Kids are supposed to be held for no more than 20 days before being released to family or foster care, but, you know, that's not happening. And professional coprophage Lindsey Graham has proposed extending that to a punitive 100 days on the notion that "the incentives created by our laws will cease to exist;" thus, "This humanitarian disaster will begin to repair itself." Someone tell this milksop motherfucker that people who just walked thousands of miles don't give a fuck about your 100 days.

Again, this is about us. This is about who we are. We are in a situation where the number of migrants has gone up sharply, despite Donald Trump's worthless threats and mad gesticulations and spittle-spraying speeches. We can continue to respond like the assholes we're being by trying to punish our way out of it, opening more and more concentration camps, including a site where Japanese Americans were interred during World War II. We can continue hurtful policies like making migrants wait in Mexico, where they have to stay in crime-ridden border towns and face homelessness and possible deportation if they're forced to stay too long by the backlog of asylum cases in the US.

Or maybe, just maybe we could respond with humanity, with treating them like human beings seeking help and comfort. We could fund the efforts at the border fully in a way that helps migrants. We could act like we're part of a goddamn society and not a bunch of fuckin' savages trying to out-brutal the other savages.

6/07/2019

Just Stop It: Trump Didn't Rise to Any Damn Occasion in Europe

It's absolutely ludicrous that Donald Trump is getting praise for his appearance at the 75th anniversary of the D-Day invasion in Normandy. Sure, he read a speech that a reasonably eloquent fifth-grader could have written, and he didn't even pause to say how much the property there was worth or how he could have killed Hitler single-handedly with a secret plan he had. Obviously, everyone thought Bumblefuck O'Douchenozzle was gonna saunter up to the lectern, fart into the mic, shit on the gathered leaders, and scream, "Do you love me now, Vladdy?"

But just because he acted vaguely normal, the motherfucker didn't all of a sudden become a goddamn statesman. If our mark of success is now "Oh, good, he didn't teabag the Queen," then nothing really fucking matters anymore.

Besides, in just about every other circumstance, Trump was the blithering cockknob he usually is. He said that the UK's National Health Service would be on the table for trade negotiations (before walking that back since, if true, it would probably end Brexit immediately). He didn't seem to understand that Ireland wasn't part of the UK and that a border wall with Northern Ireland would pretty much lead to an explosion of violence. He insulted Nancy Pelosi and Robert Mueller while talking to Fox "news" by those Normandy graves. And he was fucking obsessed with Queen Elizabeth and the royal family, saying that "There are those that say they have never seen the queen have a better time, a more animated time," and you just think that, if it's true, how fucking awful the queen's life must have been for her first 93 years.

Truly, being royalty who are just figureheads with almost no real power must seem like a dream for Trump. Everyone gives you money and a gold house and all you gotta do is wave from a carriage every now and then? That's a gig. Trump must love that shit.

Hell, in his hell-interview with insufferable twatflea Piers Morgan, Trump fairly jacked off, "I really like the royal family and of course headed by the queen who is a woman like few others." I hope Elizabeth had Her Majesty's Pussy Guard with her at all times to prevent any grabbing.

That interview was filled with weird and ominous and confoundingly dumb things from Trump. At one point, Morgan asked Trump if Prince Charles talked to him about climate change, an issue that Charles has been working on for years. Look at Trump's response: "He's doing this for future generations. He really feels. And this is this is real. He believes that. He wants to have a world that's good for future generations...He doesn't need that. You know he is Prince Charles. He doesn't have to worry about future generations in theory unless he's a very good person who cares about people."

That's some sociopathic shit right there. Most of us would think it's just being a goddamned human being to "worry about future generations." For a narcissistic lump of rotting scrotum skin like Trump, one has to be "a very good person who cares about people" to give a damn what happens to one's descendants.

And, hell, we all know that Trump only views things in his Trumpishly myopic mirror, admiring how incredible he is at all times, but he's so extravagantly narcissistic, like so bad that you'd think every now and then his reflection would say, "Can you give me a fuckin' break for a little while?"

Talking about the military, Trump made it seem like he alone was funding it: "I -- look $700 billion I gave last year and then this year $716 billion." Bitch, that didn't come out of your wallet. We're all fuckin' paying for it.

And when Morgan compared the Trumps to the long history of the royal family and asked, "Would you like to have a 3000-year bloodline?" Trump answered, no shit, "I think it'll be great. I don't know what I'd be doing for the rest of it but I think it would be great." Yeah, he understood the question as Morgan asking him if he'd like to live for 3000 years. God fucking damn, he's dumb.

Trump also reduced everything to money, to how successful people are, to how tough they are as negotiators. Talking about the Vietnam War, which he missed because of (bullshit) bone spurs, he said, "Nobody ever, you know, you're talking about Vietnam and at that time nobody ever heard of the country. Today they're doing very well, in fact on trade they are brutal. They're very brutal." Putting aside the fact that he's admitting he didn't know anything about Vietnam (lots of people had "heard" of it), it's like he wants us to know...what?...now they torture us in trade talks?

The most jarring moment was probably his praise of the gambling ability of the motherfucker who murdered 58 people and injured over 400 in the Las Vegas massacre. The President of the United States said of this white terrorist, "He was actually a pretty smart guy. He was supposedly a good successful gambler and there's almost no such thing as a successful gambler. And he went out and he -- what he did was incredible." I mean, sure, he's one of the biggest mass murderers in history, but, damn, that dude could rock the Texas Hold 'Em table at Caesar's Palace.

Goddamn us for electing this yutz.

Two other things from that bad acid trip of an interview.

First, of course he mentioned his 2016 election. "I had an inauguration, which I have to say was spectacular. And we had a big election night win that was, you know, one of the great evenings," he said. Yes, Gramps, we know. Now tell us again about the time you banged porn stars.

And when Morgan pressed him on banning transgender soldiers from the US military, Trump not only completely upended the supposed (bullshit) justification, which was unit cohesion or some such shit. He punked out and essentially said his hands were tied because of military regulations on drug usage. No, really: "You have very strict rules and regulations on drugs and prescription drugs and all of these different things and they [transgender soldiers] blow it out of the water."

This was one of many, many head-smacking, embarrassing moments on this loony sideshow. Yeah, Trump read a fuckin' speech and didn't accidentally knock over a D-Day veteran. Eisenhower must have been rolling over and over and over in his grave. Patton must have wanted to shove his hand up from the ground and smack Trump's smarmy, wimpy mug. Down in Hell, Hitler must have thought it was good to be represented at the ceremony.

6/04/2019

Our Government Is a Child Abuser

Of all the terrible fuckery undertaken by the savage cockfleas and cuntmites that make up the administration of awkwardly-dressed dump truck Donald Trump, the most clearly visible, most heinous, most just outright evil is the treatment of migrant children who cross into this country at the southern border. Whether alone or with their parents, they are almost all fleeing horrors - poverty, rape, violence - that are severe enough for them to be sent or taken on the enormous journey from, say, Guatemala to the United States, hoping to God or whoever that they will have a chance to survive in peace.

And while we've never been as high and mighty as our politicians tell us we are, while we've been assholes and fucked up on immigration policy, while we've cruelly been deporting people for minor reasons for years, it was never the actual policy of the United States to abuse children. 

Right now, what else can you call the treatment of undocumented migrant children seeking asylum in the United States but child abuse, advocated, aided, and abetted by the federal government?

In the last week, a series of reports has continued to reveal that not only has the Trump administration, especially the Border Patrol, DHS, and HHS, done nothing to reform the mistreatment that occurred previously, but it has continued with the abuse and torture of children under the bullshit umbrella of "detention." 

The Washington Post reported that thousands of unaccompanied children, some 12 and younger, are being held in Border Patrol facilities well past the three days that they are supposed to be held before they are released to HHS and the Office of Refugee Relocation to find them places to stay, whether with family already in the United States or foster families. And if you're thinking, "Well, a few extra days won't hurt anyone," here's what the Post said they saw on a visit to the border: "Adults and their toddler children were packed into concrete holding cells, many of them sleeping head-to-foot on the floor and along the wall-length benches....Outside in the parking lot, a chain-link fence enclosure held dozens of women and children, many of them eschewing the air-conditioned tents to lie on the pavement." 

The Huffington Post reported that, at one detention facility in Homestead, Florida, according to a lawsuit recently filed, "Immigrant children described being put in isolation for eight days, deprived of physical touch and constantly sobbing." You're not allowed to touch anyone, not even a hug; you are watched by cameras at all times; you get two 10-minute calls with family a week, and tough shit if no one answers. They are living in a prison under prison-like rules without having even been accused of a crime. (Remember: It's totally legal to come here and ask for asylum.)

NBC News reported that documents they've obtained show the utter incompetence and chaos that raged when Trump's DHS was forced to reunify children with parents they had been forcefully separated from under the inhumane "Zero Tolerance" policy. These motherfuckers never had any intention of getting families back together; they wanted to punish people for daring to bring their brown, bedraggled asses to darken our virgin white City on a Hill. It was so bad that, outside one adult detention center in Texas, vans filled with children as young as five were backed up because they didn't have the people to process them. The kids were locked in the July 2018 Texas heat in the vans. "Not until 39 hours later — after two nights in a van — did the last child step out of a van to be reunited. Most spent at least 23 hours in the vehicles," the report says. 

This aligns perfectly with the cruel revelation that few records were kept identifying which kids, some of whom are babies and toddlers, went with which families. It's taken nearly a year to get most of the couple of thousand kids reunited with their parents and loved ones. But they still haven't been able to do so for a few dozen. And it's not that their parents are criminals or some such shit. The government just don't know how to reunite them. 

And this is not to mention the dead kids.

Or the lapses in or absence of medical care. 

Or the fact that Trump wants to expand the detention centers into larger, full-fledged concentration camps rather than just release people on their own recognizance, the vast, vast majority of whom do show up for their court dates on asylum. 

There's more. There's always more. About newborns separated from their mothers. About sexual abuse of kids in the detention centers. Mostly, it's about treating one category of humans as sub-human. Which, you know, is how racism works.

I'm tired of the quotidian cruelty of our leaders. The blithe assertion of brute power is one of the ugliest aspects of the grotesquely ugly ideology of conservatism. And to assert it over poor, sick, terrified kids in a nation we're constantly told is the richest, greatest, best in the history of the world just means that those leading it are abject, irredeemable dicks.

The faces of these kids should be part of any campaign against Republicans. They should have to answer for it. Because we should demand to not be a part of a country that thinks this shit is okay. 

5/31/2019

Two Days After Mueller's Statement, the Path Is Clearer Than Ever

There's one thing that the Democratic Party doesn't get. It's something that individual Democrats understand quite well and they reap the rewards from it. And it goes like this: People want to follow fighters. You can add to that: The fight needs to be absolutely clear. That can be policy based, as in Medicare for All or, if you're a fucking lying prickscab, "Mexico will pay for the wall." But it can also be tactical.

See, Democrats can have all the hearings they want. They can have all the subpoena fights the judicial system can handle. A dozen committees and subcommittees can have witnesses and experts testify about the criminality of the Trump administration. But no one is gonna give a single shit about those things except all the assholes who are constantly checking Twitter to see who "destroyed" who in a 3-minute video. (Note: Yeah, I'm one of those assholes, and it has made me seek the comfort of vicodin and vodka, a V&V cocktail that can straight murder you if you're not careful.)

What people can get their heads around is a single, simple concept: impeachment. It crystallizes all that other shit into a concept that is analogous to "fight." As in, "Holy Christ, Democrats are finally gonna stop being such punk-ass bitches and actually fight this dumb orange motherfucker who is wrecking the joint. About fuckin' time."

I fucking guarantee that as soon as an impeachment inquiry is opened, Democrats will be jizzing themselves so hard that they'll do anything to keep that orgasm going. The excitement it would elicit in the left and a good deal of the center would be akin to a surfer hitting the barrel of a wave just right. Jesus, what a feeling. I fucking guarantee that polling on support for impeachment would go up immediately. That's why it's called "leadership." You go first and others follow. And the right would lose its fucking mind, which would be as delicious as eating whipped cream off an angel's nipple.

Look, there is only one rational conclusion to draw from Special Counsel and not-the-hero-we-needed Robert Mueller's weird statement on Wednesday. I say "weird" because it could seem like he was just casting some bones and telling us to read their prophecies. And he delivered it in a nervous, exhausted tone that said he just wanted to go fishing already. But, still, what he was saying was pretty fuckin' clear: Russia interfered in our elections, and, holy fuckballs, why aren't we doing anything about that? And President Donald Trump sure as shit obstructed the investigation.

I mean, seriously, you have to be willingly obfuscating or so slobberingly brainwashed that you eat and shit MAGA to misunderstand Mueller. Or you have to be guilty. "[I]f we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime," Mueller said, "we would have said so." And then in the very next part, he said why he couldn't therefore say the president did commit a crime: because of the bullshit Department of Justice memorandum. In other words, the president committed a crime, and so did a lot of others. But he can't just say that.

Why didn't Mueller say, "Fuck it. Impeach the motherfucker already"? Because I fucking promise you they would have punished him. They'd have taken away his pension or some such shit because he violated DOJ policy. It would have been a battle. No matter what globular Attorney General and Man Most Likely to Be Trump's Footrest William Barr says now about how Mueller could have indicted Trump, if Mueller had, they would have done everything in their cynical, foul power to wreck him because that's what they do.

The other thing is that Mueller is a Republican, and he likely honestly believed that Republicans would do the right thing because, and it can't be said enough, the motherfucking Russians interfered in our election to harm one specific candidate, Hillary Clinton, and get another specific candidate, Donald Trump, elected. If Mueller has faith in the GOP to act honorably, then that is his tragic flaw.

But let's return for one moment to the findings of the Special Counsel's investigation. Mueller stated in no uncertain terms, as directly as we would have hoped he could have been on Trump, that they found clear evidence of Russian interference, which led to multiple indictments. That means your vote was manipulated by lies that were amplified by Trump and his campaign. You can lie to yourself and say that Trump didn't "collude" (or, to use the legal term, "conspire") with the Russians, but there is no hedging on the fact that Trump and his goons and lackeys gladly touted the information that was stolen from the Democrats and all the false allegations against Hillary Clinton.  Are you good with that? Are you okay with a foreign government using, well, fake news to make you want to vote a certain way? Or perhaps even just hack into voting machines and change your vote?

See, Democrats don't have to go after Trump for conspiring. They can go after his refusal to acknowledge that Russia did what our own investigations say it did. They can go after his refusal to get behind the efforts to protect the vote. They can go after his disturbing faith in Vladimir Putin. In other words, they can go after Trump for dereliction of duty, for violating his oath of office, and for being such an egomaniacal prick that the legitimacy of his election is more important than the legitimacy of our entire democratic system.

Impeachment would tie together so many threads for Americans. And, goddamnit, Mueller should testify before a House committee because we're not a reading people in the USA. Hell, just having Mueller repeat shit like a live podcast of his report would probably do more to turn the tide against Trump than all the printed words they can muster. (And he could answer whether or not he wanted the FBI post that Trump says he wanted.)

And Democrats better do this shit soon because Trump is listening to some nutzoid ratfuckers on this. Not only did he say in his mad rant yesterday that a court wouldn't "allow" impeachment (the Supreme Court has nothing to do with it until the trial in the Senate after impeachment, where the Chief Justice presides), he said to reporters, "Someday, you ought to read a thing called Article 2.  Read Article 2, which gives the President powers that you wouldn’t believe.  But I don’t even have to rely on Article 2."

Yeah, you can try to stop him now with impeachment or you can wait until he comes up with a pretext to shitcan the Congress while Republicans totally agree they should give him all the power.

5/28/2019

The Problem Is That Mitch McConnell Doesn't Give a Fuck About Ethics, Morality, or Law While Democrats Do

You can't understand the Devil until the Devil shows you his works. Oh, you may think you grasp what the Devil is capable of; you think it's all just monstrous acts of sharp object sodomy and the extravagant, cruel lies the Devil uses to justify his devilish fuckery. But what most people don't understand until they see the Devil in action is that it's far, far worse when the Devil abandons lies and gives you the truth. Then you look in the face of an honest Devil and you are utterly lost because you knew what was true. You just didn't think the Devil would grin so broadly when he told it to you.

The reason that Democrats seem so hapless in the face of Republican savagery is that Democrats don't grasp the depth of the moral and ethical void in the center of the GOP. They keep telling themselves that Lucifer was once an angel and he can be one again, ignoring that Lucifer doesn't fuckin' want to go back to boring ol' Heaven. They cling to this pathetic hope like a log in a flood, except they ignore the snake on the log that has no problem biting them to death.

Today, malevolent dry turd Mitch McConnell, who is the goddamn Senate Majority Leader, was at a luncheon at the Chamber of Commerce of Paducah, Kentucky (motto: "Sure, we're filthy with heroin and racism, but we have a quilting museum!"). He was asked, "Should a Supreme Court justice die next year, what will your position be on filling that spot?" See, this is a reference to 2016, when Justice Antonin Scalia died and McConnell declared that the seat shouldn't be filled until after the presidential election so "the people could decide" or whatever fucking excuse he used. Next year will be another presidential election, and I think you know where this is going.

Here's his response: "The leader took a long sip of what appeared to be iced tea before announcing with a smile, 'Oh, we'd fill it,' triggering loud laughter from the audience." Oh, man, that's hilarious. See, he doesn't have any principles. He doesn't give a happy monkey fuck about hypocrisy. All he cares about is winning, fuck everything else. He took joy in saying that shit. It's just so funny.

That a giant hand didn't descend from the sky and squeeze McConnell until he popped like a fat bullfrog under a steamroller is absolute proof that there is no God.

You can't beat Machiavelli by quoting Thich Nhat Hanh. You can't reason with a pack of gabbling hyenas who are tearing up a gazelle by offering them etiquette lessons. Yet that's what Democrats are trying to do with their seeming acquiescence to Republicans when it comes to impeachment. They keep waiting for the political equivalent of Bigfoot to come along: a group of Republicans who will publicly oppose Trump. But that big fucker is never gonna be found.

Look, at this point, Republicans are too far in with Trump. They have more reason to keep him afloat than to put him in cement shoes that they are chained to. With all the shit they've let Trump get away with so far, why bother stopping him now? It's like they all committed a bank robbery; they emptied the safes and shot all the hostages. They're standing there covered in blood, with cash falling out of their pockets. If their leader says, "Ok, let's burn down the bank," well, why get a conscience now? They'll just start setting fire to shit.

McConnell didn't give a fuck about how his reversal on whatever ludicrous principle he pretended to have seemed. He didn't give a fuck about how it seemed when he refused Merrick Garland a hearing and vote. He didn't give a fuck because it's about the win, not how you get it. He didn't give a fuck because the Devil doesn't give a fuck.

And people respond to the win. That's how we got Trump in the first place. More on that and how it applies to impeachment later this week.

5/27/2019

A Poem for Memorial Day

"Six Marines in the Picture"
by Cloy Richards

6 Marines
3 standing tall and proud in the foreground
3 crouching in the foreground
6 Marines posing in Fallujah, supposedly the "Graveyard of Americans"
6 young, strong men with battle hardened countenances
6 marines in great health posing with rifles, deep in enemy territory
How brave they look, how American.
They can go to any country in the world, kick ass and take pictures to show
the folks back home what their tax dollars are paying for.
That picture of my buddies and I, is forever in my mind, yet slightly changed

Private Perez was killed by a car bomber at a vehicle check point.
There's only 5 Marines in the picture now.

Sergeant Silva lost the use of his left leg after a rocket attack and now is
addicted to painkillers and booze.
There's only 4 Marines in the picture now.

Lance Corporal Dubois joined the Marines to help conquer his heroin addiction.
After 3 years clean and sober, he came home from Iraq a broken man,
and turned back to heroin.

He overdosed two months after we got back
There's only 3 Marines in the picture now.

Corporal Allen's stress and emotional problems got the better of him
and he started beating his wife and children.
2 years after Iraq he's in prison, without a family.
There's only 2 Marines in the picture now.

Private First Class Anderson got dishonorably discharged for drug use
5 months after we came home.  Rather than turn to his family for help,
he wanders the streets of southern California, begging for money, food, work.

There's one Marine left in the picture now, and it's me.
Am I still alive?
I might be physically breathing, but I'm dying inside.
So really there aren't any Marines in that picture
and without those Marines it's just a picture of a shattered city
in a devastated country.

(This poem comes from Warrior Writers, a non-profit organization that teaches and gives space for veterans to write and create art about their experiences. You can donate here.)

5/24/2019

Nancy Pelosi Is Skullfucking Trump and It's Making Him Crazier

I've said it before and I'll say it again: When Nancy Pelosi belts up the strap-on, it's just a matter of time before someone's screaming. She rode serial molester Dennis Hastert like a monkey on an elephant. She made George W. Bush beg for more ass reaming. And now she's locked and loaded the extra-large dildo, the one shaped like a tentacle, and she's skullfucking Donald J. Trump. She's thrusting that footlong right into his eyehole, tickling his brain, and driving him completely mad. He is pretty much shouting at her to stop, but she won't. She'll just keep skullfucking until he begs her to stop or she goes right through the back of his pumpkin head.

You can watch it happen in real time on video of an event yesterday where Trump was supposed to be announcing more socialism for farmers, $16 billion to farms affected by his idiotic trade war with China. Where's that money coming from? "This support for farmers will be paid for by the billions of dollars our Treasury takes in," he reassured. No shit, motherfucker. So does everything we spend money on. But in that precious way of stating the obvious, Trump continued, "We’ll be taking in — depending on what period of time we’re talking — many billions of dollars.  Far more than the $16 billion that we’re talking about." So it's good to know that we happen to have $16 billion just sitting around in a slush fund or something and don't need, say, Congress to approve it.

Then you can see when Pelosi commenced the skullfucking. Asked about Pelosi's comment that he needs an intervention, Trump went off the rails, if his train was ever on them in the first place. He went around the room, demanding that staff and advisers who were at the meeting tell the cameras that he was perfectly calm when he told Pelosi and Chuck Schumer he wouldn't work on an infrastructure bill (or anything) while Democrats investigated him.

He asked Kellyanne Conway, Mercedes Schlapp, Larry Kudlow, Sarah Sanders, and Deputy Press Secretary Hogan Gidley to testify that he was calm. Here's how Trump put it to Sanders: "The narrative was I was screaming and ranting and raving, and it was terrible.  And I watched Nancy and she was all crazy yesterday...Just out curiosity — you were there — what was my tone yesterday at the meeting?" Sanders attested to this frantic fuck's calm demeanor.

Here's the thing, though. I think it was absolutely planned. I think Trump told everyone he was going to ask them if he was totally chill at the canceled infrastructure meeting. All the answers he got seemed absolutely practiced. So Pelosi's thrusting so far into his dullard's brain pan that he can't get her out of there.

Throughout this whole frankly fucking odd display, Trump kept making all kinds of asides, like to Kudlow, "Larry has done more live television.  Maybe Regis has you by a little bit, right?  Not by much." Yeah, that's a Regis Philbin reference. And this: "I don’t want to say 'Crazy Nancy,' because if I say that, you’re going to say it’s a copy of 'Crazy Bernie,' and that’s no good, because he — Bernie is definitely crazy." But he couldn't help but attack Pelosi more because, you know, chicks, man: "It was sad when I watched Nancy, all moving — the movement and the hands and the craziness — and I watched — that’s, by the way, a person that’s got some problems." He's gonna be mocking her movements soon because that's what this lump of shit thinks is funny.

The rest of the appearance, which, to remind you, was about giving money to farmers who he himself has harmed financially, was just as alarming. Trump criticized Rep. Jerrold Nadler by saying, "Jerry Nadler.  I know him well.  I’ve had great success against Jerry and I will again." That's an allusion to a 1980s zoning battle. Seriously, Trump's fucking brain stopped functioning around 1990.

"I'm a very capable person," Trump said at one point and wasn't joking. (He was joking when he called himself "an extremely stable genius," so let's let that on go.) He insisted repeatedly that he knew things, understood things, was well-versed in a subject. I teach students who lie to me all the time about studying something or reading something. I know that Trump was fuckin' lying when he said of the release of John Walker Lindh, "Believe it or not, about two weeks ago, I went to the best lawyers in our country that work for government.  I said, 'What could we do about this?'" Bullshit. He probably saw Tucker Carlson jacking off about Lindh and wondered why they weren't talking about him for five minutes.

And asked about who he was accusing of treason, after being reminded that one can be sentenced to death for that, Trump responded, "If you look at Comey; if you look at McCabe; if you look at probably people — people higher than that; if you look at Strzok; if you look at his lover, Lisa Page, his wonderful lover — the two lovers, they talked openly." Trump's weird fascination with the Strzok/Page affair is just pure dickishness, his default posture. But, yeah, sure, let's just move on from him implying that leaders of the FBI deserved to be executed.

By the way, several farmers and Farm Bureau officials were forced to stand there the entire time and had to be wondering what the fuck they had gotten themselves into. And Trump proclaimed once again that everything is really about him and him alone. Talking about farm states, he said, "China has openly stated they’re going to use the farmer.  The reason is because I got the farmer’s votes. You look at a map; it’s all red, meaning Republican, meaning Trump.  It’s all red in the middle states, as you know.  It’s got a little blue here and a little blue there." I guess it's useless at this point to try to say that California is the largest farm economy in the nation and is being hurt badly by this trade war.

Look, I've got a problem with how Pelosi is handling the lugubriously slow walk towards impeachment. But I'm all in on her penetrating Trump's tiny mind and buying a condo there. One thing he hates more than anything is being bested by a woman, and right now, he's frantically trying to figure out how to degrade her and get her out of there. No, it's not impeachment. It is, though, making Trump look weaker and weaker and more easily defeated. It's not a great plan, but it's sure as shit an entertaining one.

Side note: Here's an exchange that didn't get much notice between Trump and Conway.

MS. CONWAY:  Very calm.  No temper tantrum...I’m sure somebody has it on tape too.  But you were very calm.  Stood at the edge of the Cabinet table.

THE PRESIDENT:  They have it on tape someplace?

MS. CONWAY:  Sure.

THE PRESIDENT:  Good.  That’d be good.

Um, are they taping the Cabinet Room?

(Correction: I originally said the meeting took place in the Oval Office. That was wrong.)

5/21/2019

Unless You Start Arresting People, Impeachment Is the Only Play Left for Congress

Every single goddamned day that we're cursed to live through in this stupid, dangerous era, the President of the United States, who really is Donald Trump, does or says something or has something revealed that he deserves to be impeached over. Whether it's seriously threatening to commit genocide in Iran, demanding that his political opponents be investigated and jailed, pardoning war criminals, or the fuckery with Deutsche Bank, as well as his ongoing refusal to comply with any congressional investigations, Trump, who looks like a sack of rats that got blasted with an exploding orange dye pack, commits more high crimes and misdemeanors with each passing moment.

But Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has not just dismissed talk of impeachment proceedings in her chamber, she is actively trying to squelch it in her caucus. She said not impeaching is doing the work Americans want: "This is not about politics; it's about what's best for the American people" and "This isn’t about politics at all. It’s about patriotism. It’s about the strength we need to have to see things through." That's right. It's patriotic to leave a madman in power without challenging him in the strongest possible way.

Look, Pelosi has accomplished a shit-ton for progressive goals. But we can separate out good from bad, we can criticize, goddamnit, and I gotta say: I don't get her game on this. Pelosi and some other Democrats said that an impeachment inquiry would distract from the economic and legislative agenda of the party. Except there is no agenda that can be accomplished while Trump hangs over everything. And if Pelosi is hoping to kick the can down the road and hope that Trump won't win reelection, well, Hillary Clinton has a bunch of dusty inauguration swag she can sell you.

Hakeem Jeffries, the New York representative who is the head of the Democratic Caucus, said, "We did not run on impeachment, we did not run on collusion ... so logic suggests that we should carry forward with the agenda that we communicated to the American people." Except that, once again, it's a fundamental misread of the electorate. Democrats may not have run on impeachment, but they absolutely ran on being a check on Trump.

And many of them ran specifically on going after Trump's criminality. To most people not versed in the nuances of congressional power, the 2018 campaign read as "impeach the motherfucker" and they voted with that in mind. If Democrats fail to follow through, it's gonna piss off some voters. It's like saying to your kids that you're going on vacation to the most wonderful place on earth where they'll get to see a mouse. They're gonna fuckin' think it's Disney World, for good goddamn reason. If it turns out to be Mee-Maw's old rodent-ridden house in Dubuque, shit's gonna get messy on the drive.

You can say that we don't know what Pelosi and the House leadership are up to. You can say that we mortals are too puny to understand the zillion-dimensional chess that's being played. Except almost every time someone says that, it turns out that the shit that's going in is exactly the shit we see.  There is no greater purpose to understand. There is no other dimension and we're just playing a frantic game of motherfuckin' checkers.

Right now, impeachment is the only play left for Congress, unless the House Democrats are willing to arrest people like Don McGahn and even William Barr for failing to show up for subpoenaed testimony or Steve Mnuchin for not turning over Trump's taxes. Even then, Trump would let everyone go to jail to protect his lying, voluminous ass. Besides, what happens after they do testify? Oh, right. Fucking impeachment.

By not impeaching, by allowing the president to order his lackeys and even ex-lackeys to defy subpoenas, Pelosi is letting Trump get away with a level of audacious corruption that would make Boss Tweed blush. Embedded in Pelosi's refusal to go down impeachment road is a belief in the better angels of democracy. Those angels never existed. And if they did, Trump would have pulled their wings off and grabbed 'em by their pussies, daring anyone to stop him.

His actions demand action. Trump brought this on. He is not the victim in this story, no matter how much he whines that he is. He is the villain. Treat him like one.

(Note: I've talked before about why your objection that the Senate will refuse to remove Trump from office is bullshit. So I'm not going into that here, except to say that impeachment is an end in itself.)

5/16/2019

Anti-Choice Laws Are the Establishment of Religion

The Alabama state constitution makes it pretty fuckin' plain: "We declare...That no religion shall be established by law; that no preference shall be given by law to any religious sect, society, denomination, or mode of worship...and that the civil rights, privileges, and capacities of any citizen shall not be in any manner affected by his religious principles."

Now, of course, you can look at the sexist language there ("his religious principles") and think, "Yeah, of course, they decided that doesn't apply to women." But, really, it's just crystal-fuckin' clear. You can't make policy by religion. Any religion. And you can't deny someone civil rights just because they don't believe in the same invisible sky wizard that you believe in.

Despite its constitution, though, Alabama has passed the most restrictive abortion ban in the country, one that hasn't gone into effect yet and one that is supposed to take a coat hanger to Roe v. Wade and late-term abort it. And, in doing so, the legislators wanted to show just how batshit in love they are with Jeebus and that they can out-nutsy Georgia or Ohio or any pussy-ass state that wants to allow women even an ounce of agency and dignity. "You're havin' that fuckin' rape baby," Alabama said, "or we're lockin' your abortion doctor up for longer than your rapist. That's what God told us to do."

Look, there is no way to separate the anti-choice movement from the evangelical Christian movement. Check out the website of the influential Choose Life Alabama (motto: "Fuck me, Jesus, fuck me with your rod and staff"). There's not a single goddamn word about medical reasons to end abortions. It's all about God and creation and such shit.

Hell, the bill was written by A. Eric Johnston, the head of the Alabama Pro-Life Coalition. He's a fuckin' estate-planning attorney who does some mediation related to business shit. Where's his fucking medical degree that allows him to say that abortion should be banned after two weeks? As he said when it was first introduced, "Our bill is two weeks. When you can prove the woman is pregnant. A man and woman can have sex and you can take her straight into a clinic and determine an egg and sperm came together.” That last sentence is absolute bullshit. Family-planning clinics warn about false negatives when women are tested earlier than at least ten days after sex.

Johnston runs something called the Southeast Law Institute, which has weighed in on or represented clients in a slew of cases that are about fluffing the dicks of evangelical Christians. And that's exactly what this fucking law is about. It's about forcing an entire state and as much of the country as possible to live under the dicta of religious extremists. For extra larfs, Johnston actually helped write an anti-Shariah law amendment to the Alabama constitution. That's right. It's wrong if it's foreign religious law, but it's a-o-fuckin'-kay if it's Jesus running the joint.

When Governor and sex traitor Kay Ivey, wearing the colors of the title character in The Handmaid's Tale, signed the anti-choice bill into law, she issued a statement that put her reasoning into strictly religious terms: "To the bill’s many supporters, this legislation stands as a powerful testament to Alabamians’ deeply held belief that every life is precious and that every life is a sacred gift from God." Apparently, unless you believe in God (and, specifically, a crazed Christian flavor of God), you aren't really an Alabamian.

They're not even trying to hide that this shit is all about religion.  Over at the Jesus-fellating conservative Resurgent, James Silberman calls all fetuses "image bearers of God" and says that all Christians should rally for a total ban on abortion. Lying heap of rotting pumpkins, President Donald Trump, preened and pranced for evangelicals, swearing that he'd lead them to the promised land where only people like him could get abortions for their mistresses. "All children — born and unborn — are made in the holy image of God," he told one gathering, and the closest he gets to the Lord is when he squeals, "Oh, God" as he jacks off to Ivanka's teen photos.

I'm down south right now in Louisiana, where this state's abortion fuckery is heading into its final stretch. One of those odious "heartbeat" bills, which bans abortions after just six weeks, has passed the Senate and is about to be passed in the House. And the twist here is that Democrats are sponsoring and voting for it. Yeah, Sen. John Milkovich, a Democrat from Shreveport, sponsored the bill, saying, "We believe children are a gift from God." Except they're not. They're a by-product of fucking. The Democratic governor, John Bel Edwards, has said he'll sign whatever lands on his desk because that's how the fuck Louisiana rolls.

These radical Christian extremists are using their faith to enslave women, to make them mere vessels for babies that the Christians won't give a dry rat shit about once they're born. It is another of the many ways that conservatives are lashing out against the diminishing power of the straight white man. If they can get it so that women are hindered at every turn by pregnancies they are forced to carry to term, well, they just think that's the Lord's work.

And the scariest fucking part is that we no longer know for sure that the Supreme Court will uphold Roe v. Wade. Sure, some right-wing crazoids think Alabama and Georgia went too far, that it's too radical, that now they'll blow their chance on achieving their decades-old dream of enforced pregnancy. But who really fucking knows at this point, especially with savage dogs like Alito and Thomas on the court.

This shit is gut-wrenching. It's dehumanizing for women and degrading for the nation as a whole. Which is exactly what these putrid Christian fucks want.

5/14/2019

Elizabeth Warren Tells Fox "News" to Go Fuck Itself with Roger Ailes's Femur

Fuck yeah, Senator Elizabeth Warren, who is running for president, just went to war with Fox "news." In a series of tweets, Warren told Fox to get the fuck away from her with this town hall bullshit. Apparently, Fox invited her to appear on their network of the damned and Sean Hannity, and she declined, explaining, "Fox News is a hate-for-profit racket that gives a megaphone to racists and conspiracists—it’s designed to turn us against each other, risking life and death consequences, to provide cover for the corruption that’s rotting our government and hollowing out our middle class."

Warren didn't stop there. Ever the professor, she tied Fox's white nationalist propaganda directly to the wallets of its owners and shareholders. "It’s all about dragging in ad money—big ad money," she says, and that a Democrat appearing on a town hall on the network gives cover to the sales team trying to tell skittish advertisers that Fox really, really is fair and balanced, despite the fact that it's so extravagantly biased that Goebbels would watch it and say, "Jesus fuck, tone it down a bit."

Then Warren brings it back to voters: "I won’t ask millions of Democratic primary voters to tune into an outlet that profits from racism and hate in order to see our candidates—especially when Fox will make even more money adding our valuable audience to their ratings numbers." She doesn't shit all over the Democrats who have already appeared at a Fox town hall - Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar - but she sure as hell draws a big damn line in the sand.

"Fox News is welcome to come to my events just like any other outlet," Warren concludes. "But a Fox News town hall adds money to the hate-for-profit machine. To which I say: hard pass."

And I am so hard right now that I could jackhammer a hole in my wall.

It's about goddamn time one of the Democratic candidates stopped with this whole bullshit idea that they have to "reach" Fox "news" viewers. It turns Fox into the de facto spokesdicks for the mythical "White Working Class," a group that is so much more than Fox-infected assholes (and is also far, far bigger once you remove "white" from the name). And Warren's rejection of Fox turns a spotlight on the "news" network's efforts at stupiding their viewers with a nonstop fecal flow of fear and fuckery. Maybe Kirsten Gillibrand and Pete Buttigieg will back out of their scheduled appearances.

Essentially, Warren just declared war on Fox "news." She went far, far further than just declining the town hall. She went for the throat, naming evil where she sees evil. Warren dug up the rotted whale carcass of Roger Ailes, ripped out his femur, and started fucking Tucker Carlson's ass with it.

Look for Fox to react furiously, as Fox will do, likely calling her everything from "Pocahontas" to "Emma Goldman" (actually, Emma Goldman doesn't have a Disney cartoon, so Fox viewers wouldn't understand it). They'll make her seem like Stalin has been reincarnated and that Warren and AOC are gonna be forcing you to eat organic dirt to stay alive while Rashida Tlaib ululates in your ears.

But Warren wouldn't have started this if she didn't know what she was getting into.  She could have politely declined and moved on. This is a war she wants. This shows she knows that you have to kill the troll if you want everyone to be able to cross the bridge.

5/08/2019

Practical Impeachment Politics: Your Objections Are Bullshit

Too many Democrats are tying themselves in knots in order to avoid committing to impeachment hearings for President Donald Trump, a man who, in his best days, betrays the public trust ten times before finishing his first Sausage McMuffin of the morning. But the arguments Democrats make are utter bullshit, and they're belied by history, circumstance, and the Democrats' own actions.

For example:

"Why bother impeaching Trump when we know the Senate won't vote to convict?" is something you hear over and over and over. Yet, a few days ago, the Democratically-controlled House of Representatives, where impeachment hearings and votes would occur, passed a bill that forces the United States to stay in the Paris accord on climate change. In the past couple of months, the House has passed an election reform bill, a gun control bill, a gender pay gap bill, a bill rejecting Trump's emergency declaration on the border, a net neutrality bill, and a bill that funds converting unicorn farts into renewable energy. Well, not that last one, but they may as well have.

You know what all the real bills have in common? There's not a flea fuck in Hell's chance that the Republican-controlled Senate will pass them. The bills are, for all practical purposes, being voted on for show - show what we believe, show what they oppose. But Nancy Pelosi has no problem lining up bill after bill, just begging the Senate to shoot them down so that Democrats can campaign on how Republicans want us all to die, take away our rights, and force us to have babies. Almost no one talks about how this is a waste of time because it really isn't. Rallying the faithful is as good a cause as any.

The catalyzing effect would be even stronger when it comes to impeachment. You might hear that a majority of Americans don't think impeachment hearings are warranted. A recent Marist poll showed that 53% of those surveyed oppose them. Except when you dig into the poll, a much more interesting picture appears. Sure, 91% of Republicans oppose impeachment, with 70% of Democrats supporting it. But more fascinating, independent women support impeachment 54% to 37%. And, further down, a majority of just about every group other than Republicans as a whole support either impeachment or more investigations. Finally, 70% of Democrats say they would definitely vote for a candidate who supports impeachment, with, intriguingly, Independents split on whether or not they would.

And, honestly, I don't think most people understand that there are hearings before impeachment. A whole lot of Americans are primed and ready for those. They would naturally reveal more about Trump's obstruction efforts and function as congressional investigations. What those investigations end up proving about Trump's criminality and unfitness for office might significantly move the needle on impeachment support. As PBS Newshour points out, "When the Watergate scandal broke in 1973, only 35 percent to 40 percent of Americans wanted to move forward with impeachment proceedings against President Richard Nixon. One year later, more than 70 percent thought Congress should begin impeachment proceedings against Nixon."

On top of that, with 70% of Democrats already on board the impeachment train, failure to move it forward might have the effect of depressing the vote. That's what I think is behind these reports that Republicans really, really want impeachment to go forward. Those motherfuckers are double-dog daring Democrats, seeing a way to split the party on the issue. Man, fuck them and what they think. You're gonna let the arsonists tell you what fire alarms to buy? If Democrats followed Elizabeth Warren's lead and just outright embraced impeachment because it's, you know, their fucking duty, it would electrify Democratic voters and get them engaged and ready and anxious to punch Republicans right in the dick in 2020.

We also hear that impeachment is so serious because it might mean a lawfully-elected president is removed from office, undoing the will of the (not majority of the) people. But those people also elected a Congress, and those members of Congress have impeachment as one of their duties. It would be just as wrong to say that they shouldn't do one of the things they were entrusted with if necessary.

Elections have consequences. We fucking know that. It's time that Donald Trump learns that lesson, too.

5/06/2019

Democrats Should Be Unrelenting on Trump's Taxes

Look, I get why 75% of Americans, according one poll, haven't read any of the Mueller report. Yeah, part of it is that we're now so fucking stupid and so easily distracted that the very idea of sitting down and facing 400 pages of redacted shit with Russian names and banks and more sounds not just intimidating, but, fate of the nation aside, so goddamn dull. The Starr report on Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky had dicks and pussies and cigars in pussies and dicks in mouths. Of course, people wanted to read that. We're animals, after all.

People like things simple and readily graspable. They don't want your nuance. They don't want your multi-level conspiracies that are like jigsaw puzzles where the last piece is lost under the couch and you just can't reach it.  They like it cut and dried, man, easily digestible and easily spit out.

Donald fuckin' Trump knew that all the way back in 2011 when he started his batshit crusade against Barack Obama for the crime of being black while president. We all know the birther nonsense, where idiots demanded that Obama produce a birth certificate to prove he was born in Hawaii (and when he did produce one, it wasn't the right one for them). Trump also hopped on the college records bandwagon, too, saying that Obama's university applications and such were big secrets. You can trace the layers and layers of hypocrisy through Trump's Twitter feed, like a mille-feuille of shit.

Like in July 2012, when the dumb orange motherfucker tweeted, "For the sake of transparency, @BarackObama should release all his college applications and transcripts--both from Occidental and Columbia." Or in August of that year, when he implored that Mitt Romney "shouldn't give additional tax returns until @BarackObama gives his passport records, college records & applications."

For the vast majority of us, it was a ludicrous beclowning of the electoral process. But for those who were starting to pay attention to this pathetic reality TV host as a viable candidate and thought, "I like how he sticks it to the Negro," it was fuckin' catnip. And, goddamn, it's so easy to rally behind: Yeah, why won't that Obama prove to us where he came from? (Being racists, they never realized how horribly racist it was.)

Trump even went so far as to say that Obama wouldn't be hiding his records if nothing bad was in them: "Why would @BarackObama be spending millions of dollars to hide his records if there was nothing to hide?" he asked in 2012. He also tweeted on 9/11, our holiest of holy days, "Why won't Obama release his college applications? Is there something 'foreign' about them?"

Obviously, for Donald Trump, refusing to release private information to the public, or, you know, to him, is akin to being guilty. It's right there. The dumb orange motherfucker himself said as much.

So, while they should have been doing this since 2016, Democrats now have a talking point against Trump that is the perfect combination of simple and deadly. Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, a man who definitely has had a gerbil or two inserted in his rectum, declined to turn over Trump's federal income tax returns to the House Ways and Means Committee, as required by law. This is on top of Trump suing to stop Deutsche Bank from cooperating with congressional investigators, likely because that would involve having his taxes revealed.

The reason that the birther shit had an effect (no, it didn't stop Obama, but it helped Trump's rise), the reason that the Hillary email shit had an effect, the reason why so many aggravatingly simple things have an effect is because they force you to make a decision. Either you want to know about Hillary Clinton's emails or you didn't. And Democrats can use that method to what is inarguably a more noble end: to find out if the President of the United States is a goddamn criminal.

Every fucking day, every opportunity they have, every interview, every speech, Democrats should be demanding that Donald Trump release his taxes. They should be saying that he must have something to hide. It should be the only fucking thing that anyone can think of. They should get people to show up at Republican town halls to ask why the GOP doesn't care about Trump's taxes.

No, you won't get Trump's idiot hordes or his Republican lickspittles and ass remoras to turn against him (although you might succeed in getting a little creeping doubt in there). But you know that 75% who didn't read the Mueller report ain't just Trump-humpers. There are not only a lot of voters who are on the Democrats' side who need a rallying point, but there are those who aren't paying attention at all, who are disengaged, who might just fucking love the clean and clear either/or on Trump's taxes.

So many of us on the left want Democrats to get savage. But there has to be a cohesive message behind the savagery, one that's not complex or needs more than a bumper-sticker to explain. This idea is a damn start. Get people paying attention so that when the impeachment hearings start, they're already on board.

5/02/2019

We Cannot Be This Nation With the President That William Barr and Republicans Believe We Should Have

Attorney General William Barr, who is really just a lumpy choad with a stupid face drawn on the tip, jowled and jawed before the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday. It was a weird, weird hearing, with Republicans like Chuck Grassley and John Cornyn seeming to act like Hillary Clinton is the greatest villain in American history. She is essentially the president of their imaginations, omnipresent and all-powerful, her emails and the Steele dossier the touchstones of a depth of criminality that few ever even dared to attempt. Or something. Who the fuck knows at this point. Frankly, it'd be a relief if it turned out someone was fucking some kids in a pizza joint just so any of this weird, weird bullshit had any grounding in what we once referred to as "reality."

On the Democratic side, nearly every question could have been "Are you fuckin' kidding me here?" Kamala Harris drilled into Barr like she was digging for gold in a sloppy mound of mud. Asking about whether or not the Attorney General had reviewed the underlying evidence on obstruction of justice before declaring that there was none, she may as well have said, "Are you fuckin' kidding me here?" to Barr saying he hadn't bothered. Richard Blumenthal asked Barr whether or not he had discussed any ongoing criminal investigations of the White House with the White House. When Barr hedged before saying he didn't think he had or he didn't remember (seriously, this bulbous motherfucker's been in the job for 10 weeks but can't remember shit), Blumenthal may as well have concluded his questioning with "Are you fuckin' kidding me here?"

Ultimately, what came across from Barr is a visceral contempt for any kind of oversight of the president. As far as Barr is concerned, it doesn't matter if the president orders people to lie on his behalf to investigators. It doesn't matter if he dangles pardons for them to break the law. It doesn't matter if the president ends an investigation if he doesn't like how the investigation is going. Literally.

Barr said, in answer to a question from Patrick Leahy, "The point I was trying to make earlier is that in the situation of the president, who has constitutional authority to supervise proceedings. If in fact a proceeding was not well-founded, if it was a groundless proceeding, if it was based on false allegations, the president does not have to sit there, constitutionally, and allow it to run its course. The president could terminate that proceeding and it would not be a corrupt intent because he was being falsely accused and he would be worried about the impact on his administration. That's important because most of the obstruction claims that are being made here, or episodes, do involve the exercise of the president's constitutional authority. And we now know that he was being falsely accused." Leahy disagreed that Trump was being falsely accused.

And that right there, that answer from Barr, is fucking ludicrous. It is essentially saying that if Donald Trump doesn't believe he's guilty of anything, he has the right to shut down any investigation looking into his criminality. Trump gets to determine what the impact would be on his administration. Trump gets to determine whether an accusation is false. Trump gets to be his own judge. What more could he fucking want from life?

This kind of bullshit is center to the cancerous theory of the unitary executive, which says that, in essence, the executive branch works for the chief executive, the president, and that president can do whatever the fuck he (and, perhaps, some day, she) wants. So that means that every department is filled with the president's employees (and not the nation's), and every office is merely an extension of the president and a conduit of that president's policies. And, to an extent, that has to be true. Except, of course, there are also laws and, you know, a Constitution. However, according to Barr (and a shit-ton of Republicans), the president can say, "Yeah, I don't like how the laws are being used by my employees, so let's shut that shit down." And if you shove through a bunch of judges who will give you a pass, hey, shit's shut down.

You can either be a nation based on laws or a nation based on the whims of a leader. You can't be both. We cannot be the nation that Barr and the obsequious worms in the GOP would like us to be. That is not this nation. And if we do say that this is who we are now, then fuck us.

And let's be clear: This only goes for Republican presidents. For Democrats? Republicans would have already torn down the White House in order to build a gallows had a President Hillary Clinton done a fraction of this shit. Hell, Republican members of Congress talked about impeaching Obama over everything from his immigration policy to Benghazi to, really, his birth certificate. The GOP-led House Judiciary Committee had a hearing in 2013 on "The President's Constitutional Duty to Faithfully Execute the Laws."

Look, every president fucking hates it when Congress holds him to account. And every president has fought congressional committees on witnesses and documents and other shit. Of course, Democrats are more likely to call out their own president while Republicans are more likely to throw their bodies in the way of their presidents. Seventeen Democrats voted for the contempt citation against Barack Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder for withholding documents on the non-scandal scandal of Fast and Furious (look it up, kids, and you'll see why the fuck we say that Republicans are hypocritical twatmites). And if you want to beat your head against a wall, look at how many Democrats supported the impeachment of Bill Clinton.

Democrats have to stop playing this game like they are opposed by honorable people. Republicans are having a shit fight in a monkey house while Democrats are trying to soothe them with the gentle music of reason. No, the way you win is by dumping so much shit on the monkeys that they can't move.

4/26/2019

Note: I Picked a Hell of a Time to Go to England

So, yeah, the blogging's been thin these last two weeks, in the midst of the Mueller report and generally accelerating fuckery in the USA. That's because I'm on a long-planned trip to the UK, where, oddly everyone, from London to Liverpool to Leeds, seems to think that they're going to get their shit together in Parliament and stop the drive to Brexit or at least have a new vote.

I just laugh when someone says that. They don't understand what we now realize in the United States: once the stupid train goes out of control, you're gonna need to tear up the tracks in order to stop the damn thing.

Occasionally, I meet someone who is pro-Brexit and doesn't understand why, grr, arrg, they haven't left the EU yet. And occasionally I talk to someone who is just trying to keep a stiff upper lip, whot, whot, regarding the whole mess.

Anyways, this is a long way of saying that more regular acts of bloggery will return next week when I return to the land of the free-ish and the home of the forgot-how-to-be brave.

4/22/2019

The Not-Quite Mueller Report: Trump Is a Whiny Little Bitch Who Wants to Prosecute Hillary Clinton

You’ve read all the legal insights you can stomach about the not-quite Mueller Report. You’ve argued with your friends and family and trolls about whether or not we should go ahead with impeachment (note: How is this even a question? You impeach the motherfucker with a full-court press convincing the American people to rally behind impeaching the motherfucker). You may have even sat down and pored through the Barr-damned redacted report, finding every appalling nugget you can mine out of it, like how the whole White House is just a cheap 1970s Godfather-knockoff film made in Russia.

And now you’ve come to the Rude Pundit, and I’m here to tell you this: Goddamn, the President of the United States, Donald Trump, is such a little whiny bitch all the way through.

We know how much of a whiny bitch he is through his tweets and endless airings of grievances at his rallies of the damned. He's the kind of little bitch that sits in the kitchen, just whimpering when its bowl is empty or whimpering because it shoved its toy under the couch. Just a whiny, noisy, little bitch and you fuckin' hate whoever in the house brought that bitch home.

In the not-really Mueller Report, we get to see the Donald Trump in private, and, holy fuckballs, if anything, he’s even more of a whiny bitch when his stump-thumbs aren’t tapping away on the Twitter app.

For instance, when meeting with his then-White House counsel Don McGahn, then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and then-AG Chief of Staff Jody Hunt, Trump bitched to Sessions about the Russia investigation, “This is terrible Jeff. It’s all because you recused. AG is supposed to be most important appointment. Kennedy appointed his brother. Obama appointed Holder. I appointed you and you recused yourself. You left me on an island. I can’t do anything.” That line, “You left me on an island,” is what you say when your online crush has ghosted you and you’re pining away pathetically into the ether.

Another time, he pissed and moaned to Sessions, “Everyone tells me if you get one of these independent counsels it ruins your presidency. It takes years and years and I won’t be able to do anything. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.” The worst thing to ever happen to Donald Trump is that someone might hold him to account. You know, I’ve got no sympathy for Jeff Sessions, American’s most racist elf, so fuck him even if he did have to be the urinal for Trump’s whine dribbles. (Trump said his now famous “Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m fucked” to Sessions and Hunt, and I wonder if they immediately thought of him boning Stormy Daniels.)

Over and over, Trump whinged about how he wanted to be “treated fairly,” that he wanted everyone to make sure he got a “fair” shake. When he tried to convince Sessions to un-recuse himself from the Russia investigation and then open an investigation into Hillary Clinton (which, what the fuck?), he bleated, “Not telling you to do anything. ... I’m not going to get involved. I’m not going to do anything or direct you to do anything. I just want to be treated fairly.” Being treated fairly meant, to Trump, an AG who ran interference for him, as he absolutely believes Eric Holder did for Barack Obama. It never fucking occurs to this blithering dickface that maybe Obama didn’t do anything that needed to be interfered with.

Going after Hillary Clinton to win the election wasn’t enough. Several times, the report mentions how the Trump campaign, including testicle pimples Donald Trump, Jr. and Jared Kushner, sought information that would “incriminate” her. And Trump’s mad tweets about Clinton’s “crimes” are also part of the report.

And, most tellingly, Trump thought “it was unfair that he was being investigated while Hillary Clinton was not.” I guess it also never occurred to him that he was president and no one gave a shit about investigating Clinton when it wouldn’t damage her politically. Trump, though, is a cruel motherfucker. Trump wanted to hurt her personally by prosecuting her for...something.

That's a fucked-up area that no one has really touched, but it's an abuse of power as deep and as wrong as any of the dozens of others.

4/17/2019

Donald Trump Gets More Pathetic By the Day

Look, we all know that the saggy sack of bullshit, drool, and dried semen that is Donald Trump has long been a pathetic figure. From his pretending to be a masterful real estate speculator on The Apprentice to his carnival sideshow of ludicrous products with his name on them, Trump is like a bloated Elvis impersonator whose girth can't be contained in the sequined white outfit anymore, although at least that manque' Elvis had some honor in his life and was probably a whole lot less racist.

As we await the release of the Mueller report and the desperate spin that the White House and its subservient Justice Department will put on it, as we learn more and more that Attorney General William Barr is just another one of Trump's ass remoras, the president himself has seemed to grow smaller and smaller, even as he fluffs himself like a half-mad aging male porn star who can't get hard when he pops Viagra by the handful and injects cocaine right into his dick.

He's just so fucking pathetic and not in a sense of "pathos," but more in a "goddamn, I can't even stand to look at that worthless motherfucker anymore - it makes me sick" way.

At a "roundtable" discussion (if by "roundtable," you mean, "Sure, fine, the table was physically round and that's about it") on Monday in Burnsville, Minnesota, Trump repeatedly mentioned his 2016 campaign and victory. No, really.

Early on, right after saying something about the fire at Notre Dame Cathedral that faked concern, Trump immediately veered into how much better he was than Hillary Clinton in 2016: "I was criticized — coming up, I was criticized that I didn’t raise as much money as Hillary Clinton, that I only spent half. It’s actually much less than half. But I don’t want to tell. And in the old days, if you would spend less and win, you got credit. Today you have to spend more and win. So if I would’ve spent more, I would’ve been given a lot more credit. But the fact is we did spend a lot less money — much, much less money — than the Democrats. And we won."

We are two-and-a-half years past the election of 2016. Yet this craven, miserable son of a bitch keeps wanting to relive a moment where maybe his shitty father would have given him a warm handshake to celebrate. Trump brought it up again: "There’s a great movement in this country, and it started with that very special day in November. Remember that day? Was that a great day? November. November 2016." God, the brain worms keep whispering this to him.

And then, in a "discussion" that was supposed to be about "the economy and tax reform," Trump mentally lumbered off like a drunk Frankenstein's monster, and he talked about North Korea (no shit, he said that people told him that there were earthquakes going on there, but he knew it was nuclear testing) and the fuckin' ISIS caliphate and the fuckin' Golan Heights and the embassy in Jerusalem, which he said cost just $500,000 when it cost at least $21 million. "We’re using all Jerusalem stone," he claimed, which would be fuckin' idiotic.

Seriously, the head of Sergio's Family Restaurants and the general manager of Liberty Landscape Supply, brought there to massage Trump's taint and tell him how amazeballs he is, had to wonder what the fuck was going on.

Trump sounds more and more like a man who is worried that his days are numbered and that he'd better make sure that his story is told the way he wants it told, not how the failing news media would tell it, with its innumerable failures and buffoonery and evil, intentional and unintentional.

Gird your loins for more fuckery tomorrow after the report drops. He'll be screeching like a meth-addicted mongoose if he thinks it says even one small thing against him. Let's be there to cage him and ship him away.

4/16/2019

On the Road. In the Air. Across the Ocean. (But Enjoy the Podcast)

So I'm over here in the United Kingdom for valuable pub arguments about Brexit that only a stupid American can have with stupid Brits. I'll be back with more pungent rudeness tomorrow.

But the latest episode of Another Goddamn Podcast is out, and you should listen to that shit. It's a look back at Bush era immigration fuckery that's not so different than now, and the thrilling conclusion to my interview with comedian and writer Sarah Cooper. Subscribe. Rate. Review. Orgasm.

Enjoy it on the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network, alongside other awesome pods being cast by Stephanie Miller, Frangela, Dean Obeidallah, John Fugelsang, Randi Rhodes, Bob Cesca,

4/13/2019

Podcast, Patreon, and More Ways to Get Even Ruder

Last Monday, I put out the latest episode of Another Goddamn Podcast. That was the first part of my interview with the awesome writer and comedian Sarah Cooper. The second half will be out on this coming Monday with another new episode. What's with the sudden regular posting of the podcast as opposed to my half-assed, whenever-the-fuck-I-wants approach I was doing?

I'm now part of the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network, with Stephanie Miller, John Fugelsang, the hysterical Frangela, Dean Obeidallah, Randi Rhodes, and Bob Cesca (with more joining). It's like a cult with way less branding on our asses. And it's all a bunch of legit funny, pissed off people talking filthy about politics. 

You don't have to download them all (although you can and should because it's all free). But you can still subscribe to AGD Podcast, you can rate it, you can review it, you can live it, and it will make sweet love to you and treat you like you've always deserved to be treated.

Also, you can sign up for the Rude Pundit's Patreon page, where I post bonus material not seen or heard anywhere else, and you can donate as little as a buck a month to get more writing, more audio, and more interviews. In the last couple of months, Patreonanists have jumped into a conversation about which Democrats they currently support and they've read about my chatting up Michael Moore and the funny story of a thief I know, as well as a humor, pop culture, and other shit that needs to get out of my brain. Just $1 for a little extra rudeness, $3 for more, $5 for way too much, and $10 for more than I can even do right now. Goddamn, I gotta sleep sometimes.

If you're someone who doesn't want to donate monthly, if you just send me $50 or more, I'll send you the last 12 months of written posts. If you send $100 or more, shit, I'll throw in some of the audio. You can donate to ensure I never run out of whiskey, the podcast keeps going, and because you wanna feel good about supporting this shit.  Donate through PayPal either here or by pressing the magic button on the side there.

Ok. Enough housekeeping. Back Monday with a new episode, a new blog post, and a new Patreon post. It's not like we're running out of material in this fucking ludicrous age.