Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Sit Back with a Glass of Cheap Sangria and Toast the Skies:

Whatever time of day this photo was taken, there's something delicately lovely in watching the darkening skies devouring George and Laura Bush as they prepare to depart for the NATO summit.

Before leaving, Bush took a sad little slap at Congress: "Congress needs to pass FISA reform. Our intelligence professionals are waiting on the Congress to give them the tools they need to monitor terrorist communications. Congress also needs to provide liability protection to companies that may have helped save lives after September the 11th, 2001." It's as if the constant repetition of the word "Congress" absolves him from any role. As if his long shadow on the lawn represents anything more than his thinning presence.

The sky, though, yes, even though it is morning, is fading to black, a seemingly endless storm about to engulf him. Apparently God loves to provide a running, unironic commentary.
A Brief Hummer of Thanks (Updated):
The Rude Pundit returned from Philadelphia once again without Benjamin Franklin's skull, perfect for soup and fun with ocular cavities. However, he does have fond memories of EschaCon08, a sort of Star Trek convention for Left Blogsylvania. Hell, it even featured a panel with our Shatner, Paul Krugman.

The whole thing was way more informative and insightful than it had any right to be. As for the shit he was involved in, the Rude Pundit enjoyed the kind of Dueling Banjos of snark that his panel on comedy and politics became, throwing down with fuck-you cartoonist Ted Rall and bloggers TRex of IamTRex and Watertiger of Dependable Renegade, moderated by Thers of Whiskey Fire. (Yeah, there's a sense where this begins to feel like one's writing about really badly nicknamed gangbangers.)

As for the Rude Pundit's evening performance, the two kindest compliments he received were the doors to the Marriott ballroom being shut by laughing hotel security and the free beer he was handed by the bartender. And the Rude Pundit's Ann Coulter blow-up doll was passed around the room like Jennifer Jason Leigh in Last Exit to Brooklyn. The Rude Pundit last saw it leaving with some guy who said, "Ann's been naughty." Dude, seriously, just keep it.

Otherwise, in short order, Hamell on Trial rocked, Spocko got the most deserved ovation on a panel, Digby didn't talk enough (Jesus, this really is like writing geeky spy code names), Jane Hamsher of Firedoglake and Eric Boehlert of Media Matters are really fuckin' hot in person, and Molly Ivors and everyone involved knows how to throw a helluva weekend. For those who wish to learn from Molly and the rest, the secret is to start the weekend with free booze.

So major thanks to Atrios and big, wet kisses to the organizers.

Finally, thanks to everyone who tossed into the tip jar over on the side there a couple of weeks ago for helping to ease the burden of the journey. (And, well, the tip jar is always open...)

As promised, podcasts of segments of the Philadelphia performance will be available in the next week or so.

Update: The Rude Pundit was interviewed by the Philadelphia Daily News for a podcast on the at the paper's site.

It's always goddamn funny to be interviewed by people in the mainstream press because they expect the Rude Pundit to be unable to speak without Tourette's-like outbursts of profanity. Hey, the Rude Pundit's a fuckin' grown-up. He knows how to read an audience.

Oh, and late real posting today.


Why Rush Limbaugh Ought to Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat, Part 3579:
Sometimes, you can't really grasp the complete madness of the right in this country unless you go to where they live. For instance, right now there's a popular Christian radio talker in Tennessee who speaks openly about Barack Obama being the Antichrist. He has also read parts of Obama's race speech in the most heinous jigaboo-black accent you can imagine. And, for the most part, because he's local, no one gives a shit.

Then, of course, there's Rush Limbaugh, who is attempting to use his legions of epically retarded listeners to infiltrate the Democratic primary process and try to sow dissent in order to keep the virulence between Clinton and Obama going. He calls it "Operation Chaos," and it's something that would do the old COINTELPRO operatives proud. What follows is a long segment from a Limbaugh transcript because, truly, to comprehend the depravity and anti-Americanism of conservatives, you need to read it (and because it will be up behind Limbaugh's login wall soon):

"There are many phases to Operation Chaos. We are simply here in phase one. Phase one consists of operatives changing party registration, voting in the Democrat primary in upcoming states, as happened in Ohio and Texas in record numbers, looks like it will happen in Pennsylvania in record numbers, in this case voting for Hillary or voting for Obama to continue the bloodletting in the Democrat Party all the way through their convention, for this chaos to continue. However, the second and third phases of Operation Chaos consist of exactly what you have heard happening in Texas. Our operatives actually are being named delegates to state party conventions. The third phase of Operation Chaos leads to some of these delegates actually being named delegates to the Democrat National Convention in Denver. So you Democrats and you members of the Drive-By Media, you who think that Operation Chaos is ineffective and isn't working, remember this. When we get to Denver and the Democrat National Convention, and you look around, and you're a delegate, the person next to you could be mine. The person sitting next to you in your delegation could be an Operation Chaos operative.

"Let's fantasize for a moment about where phase three of Operation Chaos could take us. Let's say we get down to this convention and they get into a credentials fight, and all of the votes that have taken place up 'til now in the Democrat primaries are rendered meaningless. The superdelegates weigh in, credentials fight, all that goes on. Let's say that it comes down to a close vote, 10, 20, maybe 30 votes separating Obama and Hillary. Phase three of Operation Chaos makes it quite possible that my operatives will determine your nominee. It's quite possible I will be choosing the Democrat nominee with operatives inside the Democrat National Convention, covert operatives. Now, you might be saying, you Democrats and liberals and Drive-Bys, 'Rush, why are you giving this away? I mean, you're running a covert operation, you're telling us about it.' Exactly right, because you don't think that it's true, you think I'm making it all up, you think I'm smoking you, you think I'm just having fun, and, furthermore, you don't think it's effective anyway. You are wide-open vulnerable for phase three of Operation Chaos. I'm happy to tell you what we're going to do. I spell out what our intentions are on this program every day for 20 years and you haven't been able to stop us. You will not be able to stop phase three of Operation Chaos.

"We have several qualified information technology experts. They run our website, our communications, we are, after all, in the communications business. Several of our communications are, of course, encrypted to prevent piracy and theft. Those technicians, those specialists are working on an encryption method via mobile device that looks like any other cell phone or mobile device anybody would have to get encrypted messages to my delegates at the Democrat National Convention. This is being tested as we speak, and it will be ready in days. So even if you are forewarned, you will not know, and you will not be able to trust and you will not be able to confirm just which of your delegates in Denver are mine. Part of Operation Chaos. They will have been credentialed. They will have passed all the tests. They will have been to state conventions prior to arriving in Denver. They will have been briefed. They will be told how to vote by me, depending on their number and the closeness of the final vote at the Democrat National Convention in Denver.

"They will be able to receive my constructions via the encrypted hand-held device that nobody will be able to debug because nobody will know whose is encrypted and whose isn't. We will also be sending dummy messages to legitimate Democrat delegates, hopefully we can get some of the legitimate delegates thrown out, as impostors, phase four of Operation Chaos."

If you got through all of that, what you just gazed into was the black and vile heart of the right wing in this country: they are so goddamn afraid of losing in November that Rush Limbaugh has decided that the only to win is to not just play dirty (and potentially illegally), but for him to manipulate his listeners with tin-foil hat promises of encryption technology and other super-secret-spy-sounding shit.

It is a testimony to the desperation and animal-like stupidity of Limbaugh's listeners that they are honestly attempting to do this. It would be a testimony to the left's delusional view of the positive side of human nature to think it probably won't have an impact.


Hillary Clinton, Make It Stop:
Bill Clinton is wrong. In West Virginia, when he defended Hillary Clinton's increasingly quixotic (read: "delusional") attempt to win the Democratic nomination, he said, "I don't think any of these people oughta be asked to resign. All these guys that say bad things about any other campaign, they say, 'Should they resign?' My answer is no; they're repeating party line. They oughta stay right where they are."

That's wrong. As is every other pundit who has said something to the effect of "Hey, what's wrong with having candidates slug it out," with the notion that it toughens them up for the big game with the Republicans. No, it's just fucking wrong.

Go back to the campaign between Bill Bradley and Al Gore in 2000. It was February 21, in a debate at the Apollo Theatre in Harlem, one of those wonderful sucking up fests that candidates do. Bradley was trying to rough up Gore, and he went on the attack - on the goddamn issues, like this about gun laws: "What you see is what I call an elaborate Gore dance...It is a dance to avoid facing up to your conservative record on guns." Bradley also called Gore the "poster child for the NRA" while in Congress. Gore labeled this a "personal attack." But it wasn't. That was just a bruising few punches on Gore's record.

What Hillary Clinton is engaged in now, and what she has drawn Barack Obama into, is a boxing match just before one of them has to face a knife fight. When Clinton, was sitting next to chief cocksucker of the brigade of cocksuckers, Richard Mellon Scaife, she said how she would have walked out if it had been her preacher saying some of the things that she wants to make sure white people remember Jeremiah Wright said. Sitting down with Scaife at his Pittsburgh newspaper was a betrayal of all those who she and her husband whipped into a lather over the vast right-wing conspiracy against them. It was also an attempt to turn that machine on Obama so that he gets what she's gotten.

Bill Clinton would be right if this was a battle over what issues will represent the party in the general election. But it's not. It's a Rovean game of gotcha, and it's playing right into Republicans' hands.

The Rude Pundit's sick of this stupid mutually assured destruction that Clinton started. And it's a goddamn shame, as he's said several times, because Clinton's record in the Senate, Iraq vote and a few others aside, is really pretty damn good. He doesn't wanna hate Hillary Clinton, but she and her increasingly manic husband are making a damn fine case for it.

By the way, the other wonderful thing Bill Clinton said in West Virginia was "I don't give a riff about all this name-calling that's going on. They've been going on ever since Iowa. I've heard them say all these things about her. Apparently it's okay to say bad things about a girl." The implication being that it's not okay to say bad things about a black guy. Does the patent insanity of that statement need to be explored any more deeply?


Eschacon, Tracey Ullman, Etc.:
Just a reminder: the Rude Pundit will be among an illustrious array of practitioners of bloggery this coming weekend at EschaCon08 in Philadelphia. In addition to his participation on a panel on comedy and politics and after his performance of mucho new work on Saturday night, the Rude Pundit will be hosting a small, selective party in his room to discover which guest has the magic vagina.

Several people have written in to comment on how damn similar Tracey Ullman's mouth in the poster for her new Showtime series is to the cover of the Rude Pundit's 2005 CD. Yes, they are, similar, are they not? Mad coincidence? Or strange conspiracy involving pay cable, British comics, and an eagle-eyed intern?

Which makes this a good time to bring up that said CD, The Year of Living Rudely is available for download from CD Baby for $4.95. Not quite as timely (although some things are still frighteningly relevant), but still quite rude.
In Brief: Bush Meets the Bassmasters:
Said our President upon meeting trophy-winning fisherpeople, "I thought it was important to welcome these champs here to the White House so that -- you know, to encourage people to fish. There's nothing better than fishing...This is a good, clean sport. It's a sport that requires good conservation in order to make sure our fisheries are good."

And then, in a wink and a nod to gay conservatives everywhere, Bush offered up his anus: "I'm a good fisherman; sometimes I'm a good catcher-man."

Busy man, President Bush.
Late Post Today (with a Note on the Moment the Rude Pundit Fell in Love With CNN's Kiran Chetry):
On CNN's American Morning today, in reaction to Internet Correspondent Veronica de la Cruz's report on, among other things, an Indian company taking over Jaguar and the President of Honduras eating fruit on camera, exotically-named anchor Kiran Chetry said, "She started with Tatas and ended with melons. All right. There's a theme in Veronica's news this morning."

Oh, dear Kiran, whatever lewd synapse fired up in your brain has made you finally replace Soledad in the Rude Pundit's heart and pants.

Back later with more rudeness.


Hillary Clinton Didn't Have to Lie About Bosnia:
You know how it goes. You have a pretty good one-night stand - the kind that doesn't change your life but gets your rocks off enough so that you can go for a little while without thinking, "Fuck, I haven't had sex in [insert amount] months." You had fun, cocks were sucked, they were sheathed, they were rammed into orifices - no, it didn't cause you to ululate with glee, but a couple of spooge squirts later, it was kiss-kiss good-bye, maybe see ya around. And then a whole Sunday to yourself, feeling pretty fine. Now let's say that the [insert amount] months have passed, and you've hit one helluva sexual dry spell. When you hang with friends, you may begin to think about that one night X months ago, remembering it as far hotter than you did at the time. In fact, if asked about the last time you fucked around, you may begin to embellish the story, talking about how huge a cock the guy had, how your hard-on lasted for hours, how you came with the force of a pressure relief valve on an overburdened boiler. Oh, goddamn, that was incredible fucking, you may say, with a dude whose abs could shred carrots. If you go down hyperbole road, though, you better be sure that Johnny One-Night ain't gonna show up, soft-bellied, average-dicked, with the real story of that good-but-not-great night, a tale that ends with you looking like a pathetic tool who, well, needs to get laid.

See, the lesson here is less about talking about what you did than it is about taking something that's decent and trying to lie your way into revising the past and making it incredible.

'Cause, like, all in all, when Hillary Clinton was First Lady, her trip to Bosnia was not an insignificant thing. According to USA Today on March 26, 1996, "Soldiers said she was the first dignitary to visit them since the deployment began about three months ago. And though the military isn't always a hotbed of support for either Clinton, these men and women were clearly delighted to see the first lady. Said Secretary of the Army Togo West Jr., who accompanied the first lady throughout the day: 'This has been a big boost for our soldiers' morale.' In helicopter hops between the main U.S. base in Tuzla and the outposts, the effects of the war were vividly, unforgettably clear to the Clinton party. House after house was either roofless or in rubble. Fields had been ravaged; whole areas were stripped to the soil." Sure, yeah, there was a USO show with Sheryl Crow and Sinbad, and, yeah, soldiers being soldiers, some couldn't give a shit if she was there, but she also visited with people who went through the hell of the war there, soldiers and Bosnians and others.

So why exaggerate the story? Why add the sniper fire and death-defying landing? Hmmm - probably because, as the same article by Bill Nichols points out, "The first lady was very careful not to appear as a policymaker on this trip... She referred any policy statements to her husband." In other words, Clinton's Bosnia junket wasn't hardcore enough for her presidential aspirations. It wasn't ballsy enough. It wasn't macho enough. How pathetic is it gonna look if Clinton achieves the impossible and rips the Democratic Party apart in order to be the nominee? The candidate who lied about being shot at while on a plane with her daughter and Sinbad versus the Hanoi Hilton candidate?

It's sad, because Clinton didn't have to lie (and it ain't a "misspoke" - unless one is shot at by Serbian snipers on a regular basis, one tends to remember whether or not that actually occurred). No, a glorified tour ain't the same thing as a bullet-dodging charge on the front lines, and meeting with workers at nongovernmental organizations ain't the same as negotiating a peace treaty. But it is the kind of shit that people praised Princess Diana and do praise Bono for. It might not be the greatest foreign policy experience, but the facts of the trip at least point to a curiosity and to Clinton giving a good goddamn (at least in distracting Americans from Whitewater bullshit and the health care debacle, not to be cynical about Clinton's motives back in 1996).

Still, in this time of Obama people shouting, "McCarthy" and Clinton people yelling, "Judas," it's kind of comforting to be able to address a fuck-up from one of the actual candidates instead of some worthless adviser, associate, or lackey. What's extra funny is that Clinton's Bosnia jaunt is getting more press coverage now than it did back then. In fact, Clinton's people were frustrated in 1996 that the media was not paying much attention to her journey. Maybe, at the end of the day, that's why Clinton thought she could get away with the lie now.


Are You Fucking Kidding?:

The President of the United States, enjoying the White House Easter Egg Roll, which apparently is not a Chinese appetizer, but an actual event, soon after finding out that the 4000th troop had been killed in Iraq.

The creepy Easter Bunny looks on, aghast.

(Tip o' the hat to rude reader TJMac.)
How to Celebrate the Four Thousandth to Die For a Mistake (Advice in Bastardized Haiku Form):

1. The Gift Option
Sixteen miles or so
Of small intestines can make
Some very thick quilts

2. The Party Option
Six thousand gallons
Of blood is enough to fill
A dozen hot tubs

3. The Furniture Option
Eighty tons of bones
Could be used to build many
Comfortable chairs

Especially if
One upholsters them with skin
And stuffs them with fat

4. An Alternate Option
The eight thousand eyes
And eight thousand pairs of ears
Should be wrapped and shipped

In one large package
To 1600 Penn Ave
Washington, DC

When they arrive, Bush
Will wonder what they're used for;
Cheney will say, "So?"

(Note: all measurements are approximate. Some intestines, blood, bones, skin, fat, eyes, and ears might have been lost in various explosions, etc.)


A Reasonable Explanation:
You know, you see a news release title like "President Bush Discusses National President's Challenge," and a number of images come to mind involving Bush, short buses, large differently-shaped blocks with differently-shaped holes to put them into, pudding cups with flat wooden spoons, and lots of praise and too-tight hugs. But, no, this was about physical fitness, a "challenge," for certain, but not "challenged."

Bush made sure we understood how he's both athletic and imbecilic, in that charmingly oblivious self-denigrating way that really degrades us all: "First, I do want to thank the Chairman of this Council, John Burke. His business is to make mountain bikes, Trek mountain bikes. (Laughter.) I use Trek mountain bikes. (Laughter.) That's not why he's the Chairman. (Laughter.) But I like to exercise a lot. And I hope my fellow citizens learn to love exercise as well. It's good for your mind, exercise is good for your body, and it's good for your soul. If you ride mountain bikes, make sure you keep your eyes on the road -- (laughter) -- because sometimes you can go over the handlebars -- (laughter) -- which I have done."

And, honestly, on this Good Friday, as the war gets into its sixth year, as the price of bread and milk rise, it's as reasonable an explanation as any.


Being Dick Cheney Means Never Having to Say, "I'm Wrong":
Whenever the oozing pustulent herpes sore that is Vice President Dick Cheney erupts its scabby head on the cock of the body politic, the very air becomes rife with infection and warnings go out to those who use bathrooms after he's bathed: don't touch the towels lest you become one with the disease. And if you get in a room with him, you will choke on your own vomit as you try to swallow down breaths without smelling the stench of flesh and organ rot that emanates from Cheney's very pores.

So when Martha Raddatz of ABC sat down for an interview with the Vice President at a resort and spa in Oman, she must have thought, "No wonder he chose a place named 'Shangri-La.' He ought to have been dead years ago," even as she popped anti-nausea pills to get her through the experience.

It's been much discussed that when Raddatz said that two-thirds of the American people don't think the war's worth it, Cheney answered, "So?" But that and his follow-up explanation- in answer to "You don't care what the American people think?"- of "No, I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion polls," were not the only "Fuck you, America" statements Cheney made.

A little later in the interview, Raddatz asked, "One of the things that troops have said to me, and their families, in talking to a lot of them, is that they are the only ones sacrificing. They look at the rest of the country, and say, no sacrifice was really made. Was it a mistake not to involve the country to a greater degree?"

Cheney, for whom the notion of "sacrifice" generally means, "virgin Sunni girl to the oil gods every full moon," answered as if he'd never heard of such a thing: "Well, I think -- I'm not sure how you would have involved them to a greater degree. We've made this probably the most important priority of our administration. We talk about it all the time." You got that? The administration didn't want to worry your pretty little heads about this war. And yet they take up your valuable listening time with it.

Raddatz pressed Cheney for "What sacrifice have most Americans made?" and Cheney said, really, "Well, I think they've been asked to support the effort and the enterprise." Then he did a little shuffle-step on how there shouldn't be a draft before, at last, giving a semi-real answer: "I think in terms of sacrifice, obviously we've expended considerable public funds on this enterprise, and those are funds that could have been used for some other purpose." Then he said how the war was more important than all those other things. And, in the real fuck you to all those sayers of nay, "The country has, in fact, supported financially the endeavors we've been involved in."

So do you understand, now, from Dick Cheney, carping Americans? You can't have your roads, your schools, your precious Social Security, your safe environment, and all that other shit you might have wanted 'cause you had to pay for the war. It's too bad there's not things like, well, fuck, tax cuts for the wealthy that, had they not been passed, might have allowed the government to pay for it all, but then, of course, you would have made the economy go into the shitter and...oh, fuck, wait.

And who's to blame for the war not going like Cheney predicted it would go? According to the Veep, it's those punk-ass bitch Iraqis and their goddamned pussy PTSD after Saddam's toppling: "One of the areas that I think where we underestimated the difficulty was the extent to which the Iraqi population had been hammered by Saddam Hussein, and by the aftermath of the Gulf War in '91. He came back in and reasserted control, especially over the Shia areas. I think he ruled with such a heavy hand that it's taken the Iraqis themselves longer to recover from that experience." 'Cause, you know, post-Yugoslavia, you could have never predicted that once you take away the "heavy hand" of dictatorship, chaos might make the streets run with blood from old ethnic and religious conflicts.

To listen to Cheney is to listen to the liar who's been caught, spinning out endless lies like a spider madly repairing a wind-damaged web, hoping the filmy thread will hold for another night.

By the way, for additional fun, check out what Cheney had to say about the recent Pentagon report that says there's no link between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda. At a Baghdad Embassy press availability this week, asked about the report first in a positive spin way by Stephen Hayes, his official biographer, Cheney was pressed about the lack of a connection between the eeeevils. He answered: "Well, it says no operational link. But there was, as I recall from looking at it, extensive links with Egyptian Islamic Jihad. Egyptian Islamic Jihad was the organization headed by Zawahiri, and he merged EIJ with al Qaeda when he became the deputy director of al Qaeda, Osama bin Laden's number two. Now, was that a link between Iraq and al Qaeda? Seems to me pretty clear that there was."

The web secured for another night, Cheney crawled away to see what bugs might get ensnared so he could suck them dry.


Quickie Fundraiser, Day 3: Geeks Love the Rude (Bumped):
This is the last day of the Rude Pundit's quick fundraiser for shit described below. If you wanna give some clicky cash, use the link below or the one on the side, just like a number of people from all over the world, including, oddly enough, MIT. Go Fightin' Technogeeks.

Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Down Three Klonipin with a Fifth of Wild Turkey:
For Michael D. Rivera, who died a year ago from an IED in Baghdad, he was early for the fifth anniversary, which is, as you may know, the wood anniversary.

For George W. Bush, he believes every day he leads us into Iraq is a chance for celebration.


Fundraising Quickie, Day 2: Big in Japan? (Bumped):
(Obama speech post below)

This week, the Rude Pundit's doing a fundraising couple of days six months into his fifth year of tubing the Internets (man, that joke never gets old). Started yesterday, ending tomorrow, seeking to defray some expenses for upcoming performances, the Rude Pundit's playing the blogger beggar game.

And people from around the world donated yesterday. It's always a strange and wonderful thing to see where one is read. Last year, donations were big from Australia. This year, so far, Japan is the non-U.S. nation that loves the rudeness most. And there's been nary a hentai joke to be seen.

Yes, our dollars are cheap these days, but it's the only currency we got. Click below or on the side there if you wanna relieve yourself of a few of those souvenirs of the good times.

Barack Obama's Big Race Speech - Who Doesn't Wanna Blow Him Now?:
Pre-Show: No, major news media, for the most part, most voters don't give a fuck about Rev. Jeremiah Wright's occasional rhetorical flourishes when he's preaching. Most voters are actually smart enough to separate Obama from that. But you got 24 hours to fill and you're afraid of Fox "news" getting viewers, so there ya go.

Right now, the Rude Pundit's listening to some fucktard on MSNBC, Jonathan Capeheart of the Washington Post, say that when the Wright story broke, he had "friends" who supported Obama who were "worried" that other people would be upset about Obama's church. You got that? These people, who, if they are friends of Capeheart, must be smart, 'cause he's a black guy who wears poindexter glasses, weren't worried about their support of Obama. No, they're smart enough, because they are friends of Capeheart, who, it should be pointed out, is a black guy who wears poindexter glasses and looks not unlike Raj on What's Happening. It's all the other people who Capeheart's friends are worried about. Why should they be worried? Because it's fuckers like Capeheart who have made this into a story that would worry their oh-so-smarter-than-the-rubes friends.

'Cause, like, the Rude Pundit wants every candidate's advisors and allies vetted for every time one of them said something potentially offensive that's YouTube-ready. And then he wants the candidates to have to make a statement about it.

(Note: the Rude Pundit thought the uproar over Ferraro was nonsensical, but what Ferraro said was a directly offensive remark about the candidate.)

The show:
10:53: Fuck the black part of Obama. Someone's fuckin' Dumbo ears need to get pinned.

10:54: Throws mad props to Philadelphia for the Declaration of Independence, oh, but, snap, says how the Founders bailed on slavery.

10:57: Says flat out what his racial background is and ties it to the Greatest Generation. His wife's to slavery. No denial of the multiracial nature of his life.

10:58: Nice line about how his story is only possible is in America.

10:59: Damn. We're not used to this sort of honesty from a candidate. Can't compute. Cynicism circuit shorting out.

11:00: Talking about Wright, he's gonna hang the Reverend out to dry, says Wright's comments present a "distorted" view of America. Whew. Thank god, the cynicism circuit can work again.

11:02: Oh, shit, now he's getting Wright's back. Saying that Wright's a Marine who has credibility, intelligence, compassion. Shorting out again.

11:03: Reading from his own book. Amazon braces for Oprah-like surge in sales.

11:05: Goes to bat for black churches in general. Talks about how services go, the raucousness and embodiment of the black community within them. Even addresses how this scares many white people, who prefer to pray looking at their groins.

11:06: Wright is "like family...I could no more disown him than disown the black community. I could no more disown him than I could disown my white grandmother" who said she was afraid of black men who passed her on the street. Clinton's people write a speech about how her grandfather slapped Mexicans, yet she still loves him.

11:07: "These people are part of me" and are part of America, he says.

11:09: Calls bullshit on those who want to emphasize Wright over real issues.

11:10: Goes to town on how racial discrimination still affects America, in schools, in business, how there's a lack of educational and economic opportunity, contributing to the erosion of families and communities. He even brings up busing. Shit. He's really fuckin' good.

11:12: Explains how Wright comes out of the days of segregation. And how racism still controls how the black community reacts. He's actually saying, in a major speech, the shit we've been saying out here in the hinterlands of power for years.

11:13: The fact that people are surprised at Wright's angry sermons points to how divided people really are.

11:15: Most middle class white Americans feel anger, too. Because of jobs going overseas and other shit that Republicans (and Democrats) have done.

11:16: Addresses affirmative action and welfare anger and how politicians and the media have exploited those things. How the Reagan Revolution was based on it. The Rude Pundit gets an erection.

11:17: Talks about "A racial stalemate we've been stuck in for years...I've never been so naive as to think one election" can erase the racial divide.

11:19: We must "take full responsibility for our own lives" by families being stronger. Teach our children "never to succumb to despair or cynicism."

11:20: Brings it back to Wright. Mistake was that Wright "spoke as if our society was stagnant." Mentions the "audacity to hope," thus plugging his second book. Amazon braces for more.

11:21: White community needs to acknowledge that racism the black community perceives is not just in the minds of black people. He's really laying it all on the line.

11:22: Says we should live by the golden rule. And other biblical mumbo-jumbo and let "our politics reflect that."

11:23: Brings up OJ, Katrina, Wright, says we can keep race as a divisive issue and "nothing will change." This is the straightest talk this blogger has heard from a major presidential candidate in a very, very long time, maybe, truly, without hyperbole, in his lifetime.

11:24: Or, he says, we can actually do something "this time." Brings it back to education, health care, economics.

11:26: Oh, and did I mention that the war "shouldn't have been authorized or waged."

11:27: "This unions may not be perfect, but... it can always be perfected." That'll be the line that's quoted endlessly. Like here.

In some hotel room, maybe in Pennsylvania, who knows, Hillary Clinton is shitting blood. Mark Penn is on his Blackberry, furiously commanding that a commercial be made that shows Obama saying that Wright "is family" while showing the Reverend shouting all black and scary.

Somewhere in the Middle East, John McCain wonders if there's a small cage he can crawl into until it's all over.

Bottom line: that was a motherfuckin' speech by a motherfuckin' President of the United States. You remember what that's like? No, not here either.


President Bush Tells Us All to Smoke the Joint:
Every dorm, every alley behind a nightclub, every high school parking lot on a Friday night has one: the guy who tells you he's got the awesomest shit you ever smoked, some, like, super-skunk that his uncle grows hydroponically from seeds he got in Holland or some such crap you don't really understand. And you believe him, pay him a little extra for the privilege of the bowl, and the first couple times you suck back that smoke, you think you feel it, that little extra kick, that quality mellow that only really fuckin' great dope can give you. But you realize that there's nothing there. That it's only hype, it's only that fucker with the baggie telling you how good it is. Sure, some are gonna pretend like it's good shit so they don't realize they've been dicked over big time. Some aren't even gonna know how much bullshit it all is. You, though, you know that you've been given a line, but there the guy is, all the time, smilin' and tellin' everyone that his shit is shit like you've never toked.

What makes people buy it? Peer pressure? The fear of looking like a fuckin' tool for even believing the guy in the first place? There's no shame in walkin' away, for tellin' the asshole to shove it up his ass.

So when George W. Bush comes out with his latest bullshit line about the economy, delivered today, smiling and telling us how hunky-fuckin'-dory the whole thing is, it's like he's tellin' us, "C'mon, pussy, smoke the joint." Here's what he said this morning with Secretary of Treasury Paulson attached to a collar at Bush's feet: "[Y]ou've reaffirmed the fact that our financial institutions are strong and that our capital markets are functioning efficiently and effectively. We obviously will continue to monitor the situation and when need be, will act decisively, in a way that continues to bring order to the financial markets. In the long run, our economy is going to be fine. Right now we're dealing with a difficult situation and, Mr. Secretary, I want to thank you very much for your steady and strong and consistent leadership."

C'mon, you just wanna say, tell us the goddamn truth, now, at last, in the last fuckin' days of your pathetically dying presidency, have a deathbed moment where you say, "Oh, no, no, really, we're fucked and I fucked it up." No, no, that's not gonna happen.

Talking about FISA, Bush painted Democrats in the House as subversive entities within our nation, talkin' smack about how, if people can sue telecoms for breaking the law and violating people's privacy, then America is just fucked: "they introduced a partisan bill that would undermine America's security." Fuck, that's the title of their fact sheet on it: "Democrats Suck Bin Laden's Cock," more or less.

Essentially, the entire running of the executive branch has come down to taking the President's word for shit: whether you're a telecom, a citizen who gives a happy monkey fuck about civil rights, or someone wondering why the fuck you just dropped fifty bucks into your gas tank while your 401K plunges down like dope flushed when the RA asks you what the fuck that smell is.

(Note: the Rude Pundit's March mini-fundraiser is on.)
Fundraising: Just a Quickie:
So here's some updates from Rude Pundit Central. He's performing at Eschacon in Philadelphia at the end of this month. He'll be appearing in Omaha in May (more on that later). And he's hoping to schedule many more dates for the summer, especially heading straight up the sphincter of Red State America (which, to be honest, might be a great name for a tour). The long-promised podcasts will start next month with segments from the Philly performance.

All that said, the Rude Pundit's takin' this time, the 4 and a half year mark of rude bloggery, to ask fer some donations fer these upcomin' expenses. This'll only be a two or three day begfest, rather than the week-long crack whore-like panhandling of the yearly anniversary.

So, if yer feelin' the love, click on the button below or the one on the side.


Obama Is Not White and Clinton Has a Vagina (A Discussion in Two Parts):
1. Here's the thing about Geraldine Ferraro's remark where she said, more or less, "Everybody loves a dancing lawn jockey." She's not actually wrong in her initial assessment, for, surely, Barack Obama's race and cultural background garnered him some attention that might have gone to, say, John Edwards. Qualitatively, it's not that different to say, "Because Hillary Clinton conveniently had a vagina that Bill Clinton could plow, she has gotten to where she is." The freak factor always garners gawkers.

But Ferraro is dead fuckin' wrong, in a Bill Kristolesque way, to say that Obama's supporters are so blinded by the shine of his pearly teeth and his zip coon enthusiasm that it's all they care about. Just as it's wrong to say that Clinton's followers are bedazzled by her well-supported titties and schoolgirlish charms. Yes, one can't separate blackness from Obama or femaleness from Clinton, but, as Jesse Jackson and, well, fuck, Geraldine Ferraro discovered, ya gotta bring more to the game than pigmentation and genitalia.

Yes, of course, obviously, both Jackson and Ferraro were victims of various "isms" that were a bit more pronounced in the 1980s. But doesn't the fact that there's been at least some maturity on the part of the populace regarding race and gender make Ferraro's ultimately retardedly retro remarks so idiotic. The Rude Pundit's said it before: Yeah, Obama's got some people voting for him because he's black, just like Clinton's got people voting for her because she's, well, a she, just like there's people that'll vote for McCain only because he's not either. And all of those people are fuckin' tools.

The vast majority of Democrats may have glanced a second time at Obama because he's black, but he ain't inspiring a goddamn movement because he's shuckin' and jivin' the Negro card. To diminish it to that is to sneeringly look at Obama's voters and spit, "Nigger lovers" at them.

2. Regarding the matter of experience, had Hillary Clinton not had a vagina that Bill Clinton found appealing enough to plunge balls deep into, she surely would not be able to claim her years as First Lady as "experience." Again, being First Lady doesn't disqualify one from running for president, just like being squirted out of Barbara Bush's snatch doesn't disqualify one. But as for Clinton's constant claims that she was a player in the Clinton administration, well, fuck, one presumes that just as Nancy Reagan had her psychics, Clinton of course had an impact. Yes, the health care debacle was a time when the Clintons tried to redefine the role of a First Lady, and they were both smacked in the crotch for trying. After that, especially when it came to foreign affairs, was she anything more than a particularly smart cheerleader?

Put it this way: Washington, the lovely state, not the polluted city, has the death penalty. Its governor is Christine Gregoire. Her husband, the First Gentleman, is Mike Gregoire. Mike's a Vietnam vet, retired health care investigator, and currently an advocate for children's and family literacy. Good guy, Mike. Let us say, and why not, that one of the nine people on death row is up for execution, and he has to make his final appeal to Governor Gregoire. Maybe it's a tough case, one where the fairness of the trial is at issue. Gregoire may talk about it with Mike. Mike may voice a strong opinion. Hell, Mike may belong to groups opposed to capital punishment and maybe he's even testified before the legislature. But, at the end of the day, the decision on staying an execution rests with only one person at that point: Chris Gregoire. And no matter how close Mike may be to his wife, no matter how long they've been together, no matter how much semen he's ejaculated into her, no matter how many crises they've weathered, Mike will not know what it means to have that power over life and death.

Now, if Mike ran for governor and claimed he had a role in the staying of executions, wouldn't you just stare at Mike like he had a horn growing out of his head?

Hillary Clinton's running for president like she's an incumbent. But, whether in Bosnia with Sinbad and Sheryl Crow or having meetings with women in Northern Ireland, she was merely another goodwill ambassador or, at best, another diplomat. It's fucked up that she was slapped down so hard after the health care debate, that she was reduced in so many ways by the sexist asshole Republicans (and some idiot Democrats) to giving tours of the White House at Christmas. But no one's making a 3 a.m. phone call for that.


Bush to Nutzoid Evangelicals: "I Feel Your Prayer":
The speech was little-noted among the other events of the week: the media swallowed a load of Spitzer, the Clinton campaign got some Ferraro in its vagina, and, if anyone was paying attention to the President, it was for the complete and utter degradation of the office of the presidency as he sang a country song about how he punked us all to teat-sucking reporters at the Gridiron Dinner. But on Tuesday, President Bush gave a speech at the convention of the National Religious Broadcasters (motto: "Fellating Christ's nails for over sixty years"), and...well, let's just let the man speak for his old self:

Pandering to the audience, Bush proclaimed, "Some members of Congress want to reinstate a regulation that was repealed 20 years ago. It has the Orwellian name called the Fairness Doctrine. Supporters of this regulation say we need to mandate that any discussion of so-called controversial issues on the public airwaves includes equal time for all sides." Now, it goes without saying that George W. Bush, of the Clean Skies Initiative, among other splendiferously named programs, calling something "Orwellian" is not unlike Jeffrey Dahmer calling something "gross." Once you've scooped a brain out of a skull using only common kitchen tools, you pretty much lose the right to use the word. This is not to mention that the "fairness" part of the name is not Orwellian at all: asking for equal time is, like, part of the definition of "fair." Orwellian? It's like saying that it's "ironic" that Orwell would scream from his grave over this misuse of his name.

After tossing some raw lefty carcasses to the crowd, Bush skated on their throbbing bloodlust, evoking violence and doom. After raping 9/11 for effect again, Bush went historical: "These murderers were not instruments of a heavenly power; they were instruments of evil. (Applause.) And we have seen their kind before. It's important not to forget the lessons of history. We must remember the extermination of Jews in Nazi death camps were -- was evil. The crimes of Pol Pot were evil. And the genocide in Rwanda was conducted because people's hearts were hardened." You know, 9/11 was bad and shit, sure, like we always have to say, but it wasn't, as far as the Rude Pundit can tell, genocide.

The moral equivalency of the acts of a dozen and a half lucky Saudis with, well, fuck, the Holocaust would be demeaning if it wasn't just so irrational, so bugfuck insane. But Bush is talkin' to history and talkin' to some of the last people on earth who give a happy monkey balling what he has to say. He's gonna fluff each and every one of them like a gay porn set cocksucker with a suitcase full of chapstick and an orgy to get going. Yeah, he's saying, a couple thousand goatfuckers living in caves are just like the Nazis, just like the Khmer Rouge, just like the hard-hearted (what the fuck?) Hutus.

The parade of violence and gore that Bush marched before the slavering Christian broadcasters was truly stunning. It was not unlike listening to Mussolini (who, to be fair, Bush is more akin to than Hitler) whip the dogs of dissent into cowering. In Iraq under Saddam, Bush said, "Women were raped by Iraqi authorities. Citizens were mutilated and dumped into mass graves. And Shia and Sunni and Kurds were oppressed and pitted against one another." As for current violence in Afghanistan, "We saw the nature of this enemy when Taliban extremists invaded an Afghan school. They kidnaped six teachers; they beat the schoolchildren with sticks to scare them away from attending classes. We saw the nature of this enemy when extremists beheaded the principal of an Afghan high school and forced his wife and children to watch. We saw the nature of this enemy last summer when Taliban extremists paid an Afghan boy to push a cart carrying explosives into a crowded marketplace. And the terrorists detonated the cart, killing the boy and Afghan security officials." But don't worry, Bush says, because "Afghan children are flying kites again" (no, really, he said that).

Oh, he bemoans the hating and the blowin' shit up, saying, "This enemy sees no value in human life. And they continue their campaign of bloody and horrific attacks, all attempting to demoralize the people of Afghanistan, and all attempting to wait the coalition out. For the sake of humanity and for the sake of the safety of our people, for the sake of human life and human dignity, and for the sake of the security of the United States of America, we will stop this murderous movement now, before it finds a new path to power." But, really, if it ended, there'd go most of his material.

At the end, he began to bring it all back home: "Our enemies are ruthless, but they're going to be defeated. (Applause.) They've got the capacity to blow people up through suicide -- but you notice none of the leaders ever are the suicide bombers, however. (Laughter.)" See, that's funny because he avoided the Vietnam War. Then, to show he's just an ungrammatical rube like many in attendance, he added, "But we got something more powerful: We got determination, we got will, and we got freedom at our disposal." Apparently, we ain't got the word "have."

The President turned more directly back to the "Religious" part of the organization's name, saying, " I appreciate your prayers. I appreciate your prayers to help comfort millions of people. I appreciate the fact that you pray for our troops and their families. And I appreciate the prayers that you have directed my way. I feel your prayer."

And those in attendance nodded at the prayers heightening or dampening their undergarments, thanking LordGodJesus or some such shit for the ability to pray for such a man.

This is truly what the Presidency of George W. Bush has come to: frantic self-justification before the forces of history blow up his presidency like so many car bombs, IEDs, and suicide vests.


In Brief: Why the Religious Right Is Just Awesome:
From the Family Research Council, a lesson in how to rip out your enemies' entrails and dance with them while howling like rabid coyotes at a blood-red moon:

"Gov. Spitzer, who is hailed for his public dedication to strong ethics, has actually built much of his political reputation as a bully towards pregnancy care centers and pro-life organizations and as a champion of abortion-on-demand and NARAL. As New York's attorney general, Elliot Spitzer spent taxpayer time and treasure attacking those who aid pregnant women. Shortly after winning the governorship, he pushed for legislation that would have made abortion in New York even more pandemic while stomping on the rights of religious providers like Catholic hospitals. In his time of need now he will likely turn toward his family; it's a great sorrow that so much of his career has rested on vicious attacks on family values."

Forgiveness and charity is for wusses, motherfuckers, FRC President Tony "Lookit Me, Ma; I's on the Lou Dobbs" Perkins says. Time to gorge on the meat of the fallen. Time to twist that knife a little more.

Somewhere in the sky, Jesus slapped his bruised forehead once again, with Mary telling him, "You know, you really oughta let that heal at some point."

Jesus just gave her a look that said, "Yeah, like, when?"


A Few Lessons and Observations Related To Eliot Spitzer:
1. Anyone who knows anything about recent New York politics knew that hell was gonna break loose the moment that Governor Eliot Spitzer (or his "aides") had Republican Senate President Joseph Bruno followed by state troopers in an attempt to discredit the longtime state politico. You knew that Bruno, who has accumulated an almost absurd amount of power over his thirty years in Albany, was gonna rip apart Spitzer with all the force of a crazed wolverine tearing into a limping moose.

Republican Senator Marty Golden said last year about Spitzer, in a remark that was foreshadowing in that scary "shit, they knew something" way, "There is a seedy side to this governor." Or as Baruch College Professor Doug Muzzio commented after Spitzer fired the aides who had Bruno followed, "Now that the proverbial blood is in the water, people are going to be looking for things."

So, yeah, this whole thing stinks of selective prosecution through the Edwardian-era Mann Act and political games and all that bullshit, but, at the end of the day, Spitzer does seem to have been paying prostitutes to fuck him.

The lesson here: If you're gonna lay small animal traps in the forest, you better make damn sure there's no bear traps in your backyard.

2. Nobody ought to give a fuck about why Spitzer fucked whores or what he did with them. For all we know, his wife could have given an additional statement yesterday where she said, "I gave Eliot permission to visit whores as long as he never brought them home. I mean, seriously, look at him. Would you do him? And Eliot wanted me choke him with a belt while I repeatedly kicked him in his balls as he sat on a ten-inch dildo until he spitzered my tits with jizz that he would lick off my nipples pretending to be my child, and, really, while I'd agree to two out of three of those things at any one time, all of it together was just a little more acrobatic than I could handle. Besides, all that crystal meth I have to do to get through the day leaves me as dry as a New Yorker cartoon from the 1930s." After all, the hooker did say that Spitzer wanted to do things that might not be "safe."

But it seems that if you have, you know, used your office when you were attorney general to go after tour operators who arrange for people to go to countries where they can easily get laid by hookers, as well as a prostitution ring fronted as an escort service, then there's not a whole lot of wiggle room on whether or not it's cool that you like the ladies of the evening, no matter how much cleaner or more expensive they may be than the whores of Staten Island or Thailand. Call this the Vitter Rule of Sexual Hypocrisy.

Lesson: If you really think prostitution should be legal and you happen to be in a position where you can do something about it, then maybe you ought to, you know, do something about it so you can fuck all the hookers you want. But until the law's changed, it's against the law.

3. None of this is a statement on whether or not Spitzer should stay in office. He has officially fucked the goat. But many a goatfucker has stayed around. Call this the Vitter Rule of Short-Term Memory.

4. To answer a question he had, the Rude Pundit called a prostitute friend. Is there a qualitative difference between a three-diamond whore, who, at the Emperor Club, went for $1000 an hour, and a seven-diamond whore, who goes for $5500 an hour? Does a seven-diamonder have, like, a hydraulic pussy that'll squeeze your cock to the point where you'll experience pleasure you've never had before? The hooker equivalent of space flight? Her answer was, "The same reason people buy ugly paintings by famous artists or stay in penthouse hotel rooms for a night. Because they can. Status, you know."

And she assured me that, for only a couple hundred bucks, she could make the Rude Pundit experience weightlessness. Time will tell.


Regarding Savages:
It takes a rare kind of savage to say that the CIA oughta be allowed to torture prisoners. It takes an even rarer kind, the sort of savage who would rip out your heart and fuck the bleeding hole so that the last thing you see as your blood gushes out is a savage with a hard cock entering your chest cavity, to justify the approval of torture by going on the radio and publicly declaring, "The bill Congress sent me would deprive the CIA of the authority to use these safe and lawful techniques. Instead, it would restrict the CIA's range of acceptable interrogation methods to those provided in the Army Field Manual."

Yes, the Army, those noted pussies when it comes to interrogations. How dare they abide by the Geneva Conventions, as that manual states. How dare they say interrogators are not allowed to commit "[v]iolence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture;" how can those punk-ass bitches not participate in "[o]utrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment." And fuck their own manual on the Fear-Up technique of questioning that says, specifically, "The [human intelligence] collector must be extremely careful that he does not threaten or coerce a source."

Threaten or coerce? Motherfuckers, that's child's play. But we can't let 'em know. As Bush said in his veto, his "concern" with the bill "is not over any particular interrogation technique; for instance, it is not over waterboarding, which is not part of the current CIA program. Rather, my concern is the need to maintain a separate CIA program that will shield from disclosure to al Qaeda and other terrorists the interrogation techniques they may face upon capture." See, if al-Qaeda knows which brand of car battery is used when the cables are hooked up to it, they can try to toughen their nipples to that voltage.

And how goddamn dare those faggots in Congress attempt a limitation like "No individual in the custody or under the effective control of an element of the intelligence community or instrumentality thereof, regardless of nationality or physical location, shall be subject to any treatment or technique of interrogation not authorized by the United States Army Field Manual on Human Intelligence Collector Operations."

But let's be clear here: this ain't just about Congress wanting to stop the ball shocking. It's also about Congress wanting to assert its oversight duties. The other sections that Bush has a problem with involve the Senate being allowed to confirm whoever the President wants as Director of the NSA, as well as shit involving Congress getting actual information from the White House. Scrawls Bush, "Other provisions of the bill purport to require the executive branch to submit information to the Congress that may be constitutionally protected from disclosure, including information the disclosure of which could impair foreign relations, the national security, the deliberative processes of the Executive, or the performance of the Executive's constitutional duties." In other words, he's fuckin' Godzilla, man, feel his atomic breath.

And what's he so scared of being forced to tell Congress? According to Section 326 of the bill, it's the techniques, previous and current, that are being used for these oh-so-useful interrogations. Oh, shit, no, the White House is thinkin'. (And, by the way, put the fuck up or shut the fuck up: Stop telling us that plots have been stopped by torturing some prisoners and show us how we wouldn't have gotten the same intel without the refrigerated, brightly-lit room and forced panty-wearing.)

The President ended his declaration with "We have no higher responsibility than stopping terrorist attacks." If that's the highest thing we can grasp for, then, truly, we have already fallen.
Late Post Today (and an Eschacon Reminder):
The Rude Pundit will be back in a bit with more moist rudeness, but in the meantime, enjoy this NPR report on some fundamentalists in the Middle East threatening and committing violence against those who don't follow their backward ways. Says an official of the town involved, "One of the problems with this group of violent fanatics, I would call them, is that they don't know how to handle when they have a disagreement."

Also, just a reminder: the Rude Pundit will be performing at this year's Eschacon in Philadelphia with a half-hour or so of almost entirely unblogged rudiosity. He will be opening for Hammell on Trial, having been preceded by whiskeyina and filkertom. He'll have opened the day, March 29, as a panelist at an (for fuck's sake) 8:45 a.m. session on "Comedy and Political Critique."

One does not have to attend the conference to come to the evening's festivities.


Here's a Delicious Taste of Karma for Hillary Clinton:
In one of those wonderful "ouch, that's gotta hurt" moments, the little girl in the Clinton campaign's 3 a.m. phone call ad? That footage is from 8 years ago. The girl is actually now nearly 18 years old. And she is actively campaigning for Barack Obama. Casey Knowles says, "I attended his rally a few months ago and I'm a very, very avid supporter."

Don't worry, though. Surely some Clinton surrogate will find some way to smear and/or dismiss her opinions as worthless and/or malevolent.

(Tip of the rude hat to Fark.com/politics)


The Fear Card Never Goes Away:
The annals of bugfuckery are loaded to bursting with nutzoid, paranoiac statements from the last few years. Surely, one might think, trillions of dollars into a war (or wars, whatever) and 6 and a half years since 9/11, there might be a moment or two to take it down a notch. If, for instance, you're a woman and you've been fucking this guy for hours on end, a half-dozen orgasms, ranging from screaming, "Oh, shit" to a pleasant tickle, gone by, sheets and bed soaked to a spongy consistency, there comes a point where you say, "Okay, my pussy's sore and I don't want it to get callouses," you need to stop. Sure, the fucking might still work on some level, the guy's cock at that waxing and waning, fall and rise period of erection, but mostly, at this point, it's time to give it a rest so that you might be able to fuck again soon.

If you're the pro-war right, though, holy fuck, you're gonna keep the hard-on for blood payback throbbing. And that's just what Lou "Behold My Combover of Righteous Indignation" Dobbs did last night on CNN, kicking out the savage jams in reaction to various unrelated acts of violence reported by Wolf Blitzer on The Situation Room. Snarled Dobbs, "The idea that we can control the violence itself is probably wishful thinking. We are going to have to come to terms with the fact that this war on radical Islamist terrorism is going to require stronger stuff than we have expended so far."

Oh, but Dobbs wasn't gonna stop there. He had a jugular in his teeth and he wanted to rip the meat away until it was exposed and spurting: "There is no way in which we can conduct a 'war on terror' without recognizing that we're going to have to root out relentlessly and vigorously and with all our might the seeds that give life to that kind of madness. That means going after unrelentingly those who would do us harm and doing so in a concerted, emphatic and lasting way, so that we can live in peace, not only in this country, but in Israel, in the Middle East, around the world. There is no way in the world for anyone to assume safely that half-measures will be in any way effective in stemming this kind of violence." Then, dancing in the arterial spray, Dobbs got ready for his own hatefest, leaving Blitzer to clean up the mess.

You read that shit and you think, "Holy motherfuck, do these assholes really conflate every act of violence into one homogeneous package? Do they really see Palestinian attacks on Israel and car bombs in Mosul as one thing? That one group is just like the other?" If so, then they really think we're fighting "terror." It ain't just rhetoric. It's like saying you're gonna wrestle Bigfoot and you spend the rest of your life searching the redwood forest for that hairy fucker. You ain't gonna find it, and you're gonna waste your life and money chasing air.

But, of course, Dobbs is only taking signals from those on high. In his speech commemorating the fifth anniversary of the creation of the Department of Homeland Security (motto: "We're Not Quite as Nazi-ish as Our Name Sounds"), President Bush indulged his latent mental patient as he brought out some of his greatest hits from 6 years of massaging the nation's fear prostate, like "The events of September the 11th, 2001 demonstrated the threats of a new era. I say 'new' because we found that oceans which separate us from separate -- different continents no longer separate us from danger," which is, like, one of the Rude Pundit's favorite Bush administration mantras because every time Bush says it, the earth rumbles with the sounds of dead Native Americans spinning.

Bush continued, "We saw the cruelty of the terrorists and extremists, and we glimpsed the future they intend for us. In other words, there's some serious lessons on September the 11th that it's important for all Americans to remember." You know, George W. Bush talking about "lessons" is not unlike a vampire talking about cooking with garlic. But Bush wasn't gonna let us forget those lessons, those inconvenient truths, if you will: "At this moment, somewhere in the world, a terrorist is planning an attack on us. I know that's inconvenient thought for some, but it is the truth."

And then, eyes spinning in his head, pulling from random shit that he's said a thousand times before, the President went off the rails: "This war against these extremists and radicals who would do us harm is the great ideological struggle of our time. We're in a battle with evil men -- I call them evil because if you murder the innocent to achieve a political objective, you're evil. (Applause.) These folks have beliefs. They despise freedom. They despise the right for people to worship an Almighty the way he or she sees fit. They desire to subject millions to their brutal rule. Our enemies oppose every principle of humanity and decency that we hold dear. They kill innocent men and women all the time." You gotta love that applause there. Imagine it: an auditorium full of presumptive grownups clapping when another presumptive grownup says, more or less, "Mean people suck."

Is there a point here where, our pussies and anuses sore, rubbed raw, we can say, "Stop"? Maybe we can even say to them, perhaps, "Look, it worked for a long time now, but, really, we're just not that scared anymore. And you're smothering us with your need for us to stay scared."

The neocons want the population to behave as if they are living under a dictatorship, quaking in fear from the pronunciations of the Beloved Leader, because only in fear will a population continue to desire violence. The problem, of course, is that, unless they actually start arresting and beating people for opposing the Leader, unless they are willing to go that far and start instilling fear not just of outsiders but of the Leader, they just sound like hysterical children who refuse to get over being pushed down in the sandbox.


Advice to Barack Obama: You Can Take Clinton Apart and Still Respect Yourself in the Morning (Profanity-Free For the Kiddies):
So, like, Barack, here's the conundrum you find yourself in: you wanna keep the Hope Train running, so you're shoveling coal into that engine like you're Casey Jones on the Illinois Central. You know that Hillary Clinton and her minions, like Howard Wolfson and Mark Penn, are gonna start tossing way, way more than the kitchen sink at you. You better be ready to duck, 'cause the whole house is whirling your way, Twister-style.

And you're stuck. You know you gotta start jumping in the mud with both feet, but you built this whole movement on staying so above-it-all. Here's the thing: you don't have to join Hillary Clinton for a wallow. You don't need someone associated with your campaign to go on CNN and question, say, whether or not she's a Muslim.

Yes, her bizarre refusal to release her tax returns means that she has something to hide, and it will become a trust issue in a general election, so you may as well make a huge deal about it now. Here's a couple of other tactics:

1. Question the legitimacy of her victories. Sure, sure, Ohio was clearly a Clinton victory. But that Texas win? Well, let's hear from rude reader CW:

"I can tell you that Clinton did not *win* the popular vote in Texas. We are the state of the 19-percenters, Huckabee-lovers and Hagee. Republicans knew that McCain would win Ohio and since in Texas we have open primaries, the RNC, Texas Repubs and Rush had been telling all their zombies to vote Clinton because they think they can beat her. My own mother, who hasn't voted for a Democrat for 40 years, told me that she voted for Hillary because 'you know, I support McCain, so I voted for her like everyone else up here.' My mother wasn't our only contact to verify our suspicions. All those rural counties with few votes...Republicans to the core and they HATE Hillary with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. Although I live in an Obama county near the George HW Bush Presidential Library, we must have had a huge number of crossovers ourselves because Huckabee nearly beat McCain here."

Get some research going, man. How widespread was a Republican vote in Texas because of the open primary? How has the open primary benefited Clinton before because Republicans want to run against her and not you? C'mon, if her people can question the legitimacy of caucuses, you can question the legitimacy of the open primary.

As CW continues regarding Texas, "Watch the caucus results. Those are going to be far more accurate because only the true-blue Democrats return for the meetings after the polls close. The delegate representation is determined by how many supporters for each candidate show up for the caucus. The popular vote has nothing to do with how these delegates are chosen. At the caucus we vote on delegates to the county and state conventions as well as resolutions for the party platform, so the Republicans stay away lest they be outed or contaminated with our Democratic ideals."

2. Go after who is associated with her campaign. The hammers of Rezko and Farrakhan will keep bludgeoning you. So howzabout a little payback? If there's anything we've learned from the Rove school of media manipulation, little things can take the big things off the table: how quickly did we forget about whether or not George W. Bush blew off his National Guard duties once we were told that Dan Rather might have been given a forged document? Also, moral equivalency can be ludicrously imbalanced.

For instance, did you know that Hillary Clinton's "top election lawyer" in New Jersey, Peter Cammarano, is under investigation by the state Election Law Enforcement Commission for what seems to be a clear violation of the law? Yeah, Cammarano chaired a PAC that raised funds for Democrats while still an elected councilman. Funds might not have gone to the Clinton campaign, but this is exactly the kind of rule-bending that reminds people of what they don't like to remember about the Clintons (fairly or unfairly, but this ain't really about fair). And, c'mon, Clinton's election lawyer might be violating election law? Surely, there's a few superdelegates in the state that this might matter to.

It's a little thing, but the little things add up, Barack. They provide the foundation for an argument against someone. And that's where you are. You gotta say why not to vote for Hillary Clinton, not just why to vote for you.

Oh, and don't forget about McCain and Bush. But the Rude Pundit can't talk about that and keep his profanity-free pledge.


Photos That Were Sadly Inevitable (With a Few Notes Regarding Last Night):

That's the official White House photo of John McCain's arrival today in order to bow down before George W. Bush and receive the blessings of the man-child king. Two steps below Bush, looking up, his face turned more than the President's, McCain knew this moment was coming, when he would have to abase himself in order to get the graces of this wretched man before whom he has had to prostrate himself. Did McCain's broken legs ache as he climbed those stairs, old instincts telling him that this was one degradation too many? Or did he just keep pressing forward, his fortunes tied, through his own design, to this President, this Republican, and all that he represents, knowing that this walk had to happen?

Notes on Last Night:
Clinton won. Even though she'll only pick up a few extra delegates to cut into Obama's lead, she kicked his ass in the popular vote. Yeah, yeah, Obama supporters can comfort themselves with the fact that, until a couple of weeks ago, the margins for Clinton were vast gulfs rather than rivers narrow and wide; we can sputter, "But the Hispanic vote...but the 3 a.m. ad," and, still, we're left with the fact that Obama did not close the deal. Like a guy who can romance his way into a woman's apartment but can't get her to play "What's-in-the-panties?" Obama is left enlarged and weeping and wondering what tactic to try next.

The press is backlashing against Obama big time, not that he ever had the free ride Clinton whines about. As Politico said, "[R]eporters’ self-justifying mechanism kicks in when someone says they are being too tough. But their self-loathing mechanism kicks in when someone says they are being too weak." It was inevitable that the media would coalesce around bullshit Obama stories, but it needs to happen. Better now, you know, better now.

Okay, there's only a few ways this all plays out. 1. War, motherfuckers. Obama learns that going negative works, starting with, say, an ad about Clinton's tax returns. Clinton, tasting the sharp, smooth blood leaking from Obama, goes ravenous, trying to gut him like a fish. Republicans sit up and think, "Wait, a woman and a black man in a catfight? Christ, this is a dream come true. Let's pull up chairs." 2. Obama eventually folds to become Clinton's running mate with the idea that, after 8 years under her, he'll inevitably become president. 3. The least likely scenario: Clinton decides that, for the good of nation and party, to let the cool kids win and bows out.

That last one's about as possible as John McCain telling George W. Bush to shove his endorsement up his patrician ass.
Late posting today, but keep up the post-primary celebration or nurse your wounds by taking a listen to Hell's playlist, the only place you can hear both Deicide and the Meow Mix theme.


President Bush Says, "Bow Down to Our Corporate Overlords":
Yesterday, speaking to a group of attorneys general, the President of the United States said that the Executive Branch colluded with major corporations to violate your privacy, and you should be happy about it, you ungrateful motherfuckers: "To defend the country, we need to be able to monitor communications of terrorists quickly and be able to do it effectively. And we can't do it without the cooperation of private companies. Unfortunately, some of the private companies have been sued for billions of dollars because they are believed to have helped defend America after the attacks on 9/11. Now the question is, should these lawsuits be allowed to proceed, or should any company that may have helped save American lives be thanked for performing a patriotic service; should those who stepped forward to say we're going to help defend America have to go to the courthouse to defend themselves, or should the Congress and the President say thank you for doing your patriotic duty? I believe we ought to say thank you."

You got that? AT&T let the NSA listen to your phone calls and read your e-mail, and you should say, "Oh, christ, AT&T, Verizon, and BellSouth, I'm so fuckin' grateful you let George W. Bush's administration have access to my private communication. I feel so much fuckin' safer that it was done without any warrant or even an attempt to retroactively get a warrant and that, in essence, you allowed the government to treat me as a criminal in what any sane Supreme Court would call a violation of at least three or four articles and amendments. And, even more, I'm fuckin' beside myself with glee that, violating your own fuckin' policies, you will never tell me that George W. Bush has been readin' my e-mail to my Laotian transsexual lover who just wants some of my money to complete her operation. Thanks, telecoms, thanks so fuckin' much." And then, when the CEOs of these megacorporations stand before you, you should kneel down and bathe the waxy folds of their balls with your tongue.

But, see, according to the President, it's all cool because he told them the telecoms that it was cool: "These lawsuits are really unfair, if you think about it. If any of the companies believed to have helped us -- I'm just going to tell you, they were told it was legal by the government. And they were told it was necessary by the government. And here they are getting sued. It would be dangerous -- the reason -- the danger in all this is that because the private companies are fearful of lawsuits or being besieged by lawsuits, they would be less willing to help in the future. If your government has said this is legal, and we want your help, and then all of a sudden they get sued for billions of dollars, you can imagine how hesitant they'll be with future requests."

So, let's see. Apparently, it all went down something like this: The NSA goes to Verizon and says, "Hey, motherfuckers, we gots to catch us some motherfuckin' terrorists, so we're gonna need you to let us jack into your streams, man, your motherfuckin' satellites and fiber-optic shit so's we can get our spy on."

And Verizon says something like, "Oh, shit, man, what the fuck? You can't just fuckin' listen to everyone's cell phone calls. You fucked in the heads? Get a fuckin' warrant."

And the NSA says, "Warrants? That's old school shit, man. What, do you hate America, bitch? Don't worry - we gots lawyers and dudes at colleges sayin' shit's cool. Chill the fuck out. And here's the fuckin' deal, bitches: you don't roll over and show us your asses, your bottom line's gonna get a whole lot lower, know what we're sayin'?"

And Verizon, shittin' blood because profit's way more important than abiding by their policies and, well, fuck, the law, says, "Shit, Bush says it's cool?"

And NSA says, "It's cool, bitch. Give us this shit."

And Verizon says, "Well, fuck, okay, but if this shit leaks out, some motherfuckers better get us some civil suit immunity."

And NSA says, "It's covered, motherfuckers. What, you think the Congress ain't gonna protect your ass after all the green you spread up there?"

And Verizon says, "Jack in, motherfuckers."

Or something like that.

So, now, with the House of Representatives about to roll over, corporate America will be safe to lie to the faces of their customers about all those rules they come up with about how much they give a happy monkey fuck about our privacy. First telecoms and your phone calls, next A&P bonus club card purchases, because, surely, there's a terrorist diet that can be tracked by getting into your shopping baskets.

And the government will be standing there, offering sincere thanks to the companies for ensuring that the our freedom is protected by taking away our right to be left the fuck alone.


How Badly Does Conservative Spooge Bucket Kevin McCullough Want to Fuck Barack Obama?:
Judging by McCullough's latest "column" for the right-wing louse infestation known as Townhall.com, the answer to that question is "Pretty fuckin' badly." Titled "Obama: First Gay President?", McCullough's strange journey into his own latent homosexual desire seems predicated on his "prediction" that Barack Obama will be president: "I was the first pundit in America to predict that Barack Obama would be president in 2009." You got that? It's not that big a leap to think that what McCullough is truly desiring is a "pre-dicking" by Obama, with the Democratic candidate as the top, the "president," if you will. Or, as McCullough writes, "A prediction, I admitted at the time, pained me greatly."

See, McCullough's "problem" with Obama is the Illinois senator's seeming ease with gay rights, like marriage (and/or civil unions) or, well, just letting gays and lesbians exist: "I have warned that his aggressive support for the radical homosexual activist agenda in America is a part of the overall picture of who he is. In this way he may be more 'gay' than Clinton was 'black' - and by a wide margin at that." Got that? He ain't just a stealth Muslim anymore. He's a stealth fag-lovin' Muslim demi-negro.

Why? Because he wants to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, "Obama displays a reckless commitment to play games with the future sexual formation of families and puts himself so firmly planted in the camp of anti-biblical views of truth, sex, and family that we have never seen its comparison in all years previous." Goddamn, you can just see McCullough photoshopping Obama's head on top of some giant-cocked black man at NakedNubianNobs.com.

The whole thing boils over into a yowl of ejaculatory glee, with McCullough almost audibly pounding his nuts on his desk with his keyboard in order to stop them from aching at the thought of Obama's muscular hands giving him a reacharound while fucking him from behind, when he writes, "Make no mistake, committed Obama supporters share his uber-libertine leanings to homosexual behavior, and want to encourage more relaxation of traditional moral sexual barriers in society."

Seed spent, new keyboard needed, photoshopped picture safely in the file marked "Oppo Research," McCullough can shower the sweat off his body and cleanse himself to be ready for the next time CNN shows Obama at a rally.