The Republican Debate: Who's the Biggest Manwhore?:
As with any profession, if a group of manwhores gets together, they're gonna start talking about who has done or who would do the most extreme, nasty shit. It's a kind of competition, a game of one-upsmanship. Manwhore #1 might say that he's willing to be fucked without a condom. Stupid, reckless, but pretty low-key as far as this kind of stuff goes. Manwhore #2 might say that he's already been fucked in the ass by a train behind a bar. Manwhore #3 says that's nothing. He's been fucked by the cock train side-by-side with another manwhore who then had to lick each other's assholes clean. Manwhore #4 would throw in with the various items that have been shoved up his ass by men who masturbate with one hand while fisting him with the other. Everyone in the group would cringe at the thought of the frozen cookie dough roll. Ahh, but it's Manwhore #5 who'll bring it home, offering that he'd be the cross-dressed date to a closeted frat guy at the DKE house party where he'll be beaten and raped repeatedly by the frat brothers as they demonstrate how not gay they are by making him suck them off and then punching him in the face for doing it. Now that's a hardcore manwhore, but surely the conversation will go on, each trying to top the other. At some point, small animals will be involved. A bit later, livestock.

Everything you need to know about the Republicans candidates for president is contained in this simple fact from last night's Fox "news" debate: they spent more time on gay marriage than on the war in Iraq.

Coming on the heels of the serial rim jobs given by the Republicans to Tony Perkins and the Family Research Council at their Value Voters Summit (motto: "Come for the proselytizing and sanctimony, stay for the non-kosher buffet"), the debate was dominated by a simple question asked of simple men: "Which of you hates more people?" Or, as the Fox "news" correspondents asking the questions put it, "Who's more conservative?"

A good chunk of the debate consisted of one candidate after another declaring they hate illegal immigrants more, they loves 'em some fetuses more, they hate gays more than the others. And when it came to the gays, oh, snap, how they went after each other like old drag queens at a Liza Minnelli yard sale. Romney made the stunning admission that he read the Constitution of the state he was governor of and found it lacking in pro-gay marriage statements: "My state's constitution was written by John Adams. It isn't there. I've looked." Adams's penchant for wigs and frills is beside the point.

Giuliani, whose experience consists of being a U.S. Attorney, a mayor, and a master exploiter of the fears and pain of others for enormous profit, took every opportunity to say he had more experience with shit than the others. On gay marriage, he twisted it this way: "I did 210 weddings when I was mayor of New York City. So I have experience doing this. They were all men and women...I hope." And much laughter ensued with the crowd of craven, frothing conservatives. The logical follow-up would have been to ask if Giuliani would have performed any ceremonies for gay couples if gay marriage had been legal in New York when he was mayor. But maybe the answer to that is too obvious.

About halfway through the debate, the fine Fox-ers got around to asking the candidates what they might actually do as President. On health care, the answers boiled down to: "Give insurance companies everything they want." On education: "Give private schools everything they want." On taxes: "Give rich people everything they want." On foreign policy: "Give the neocons everything they want."

And then, led by the fair and balanced Fox-y men, they got their chance to attack Hillary Clinton, in her role as presumptive nominee, directly. Romney went all robot-attack mode on her experience: "She hasn't run a corner store. She hasn't run a state. She hasn't run a city. She has never run anything. And the idea that she could learn to be president, you know, as an internship just doesn't make any sense."

But Mike Huckabee made sure the audience knew he was the craziest playa-hater in the room: "If she's president, taxes go up, health care becomes the domain of the government, spending goes out of control, our military loses its morale, and I'm not sure we'll have the courage and the will and the resolve to fight the greatest threat this country's ever faced in Islamofascism."

And it never struck anyone as odd that under a Republican presidency now, spending is out of control, the military is losing its morale, and we're not really fighting "Islamofascism" (which is really good on toast). That's with a guy who allegedly ran businesses and a state. Yet, indeed, because there's no fucker like a motherfucker, Giuliani used the opportunity and the Florida venue to attack another Democrat: "If those polls are correct, we’d have Al Gore here to – I don’t know, it might be a little colder, I’m not sure. But I’m not sure we’d be any better off. Right, we’d be in a lot worse shape with Al Gore. Thank, thank you Florida." Somewhere, a soldier who's lost his legs is yelling, "Word, Rudy," as he sits in his own filth in a hospital bed.

Who was the bugfuck nutsiest manwhore on the stage? Probably, all things being relative, Ron Paul, who was booed for saying, "We don't need to assume that the world is going to blow up." Yeah, there's lots of reasons to dislike the guy, but he was the one willing to get his face bloodied while he did his job.