Live Vodka-Blogging the President's News Conference:
Yessiree, it's time for another hastily-scheduled press conference, the kind that the Rude Pundit keeps a special bottle of Ukrainian vodka in the freezer for, iced and ready for consumption in chilled glasses. No, no, it ain't a drinkin' game to down a shot every time he mentions "9/11" or "terror," because that way lies alcohol poisoning. (All quotes guaranteed to be barely accurate.)

10:45: Ooh, he comes out swingin', barely spitting out "Good mornin'" before he blasts Congress for not passing bills, neglecting the whole "Republican filibuster" part of the thing. Bush says it's "time to put politics aside," which, of course, means his way or the highway.

10:46: Homeboy got a haircut. Makes him look even more like a flying monkey from The Wizard of Oz. And he's turning pages like he's spankin' that speech's ass, showin' those pages who's in charge.

10:48: He wants shit passed in a "fiscally-responsible way." Which is a little like a syphilitic crack whore saying she'll only suck dicks that don't have herpes sores.

10:49: He's pissy about everything this morning. Congress needs to send him a "clean bill" on Veterans' care, he says. He wants it "by Veteran's Day," so he can, one assumes, sign it at a VA hospital with limbless soldiers who are supposed to be happy about getting decent care looking on.

10:50: Is there any shit he needs to do? Or that he's doing? All he's telling us is that Congress needs to get shit done. Doesn't he have a fuckin' job?

10:51: Bush lets us know that the Armenian genocide resolution is bad and a waste of the legislative agenda. But was the MoveOn.org resolution a fine use of Congress's time?

10:52: What's gonna be the final softball question that'll let him act all tough guy leaderly? "Mr. President, do you think Patrick Leahy eats live puppies?"

10:53: He's asked why go to the Dalai Lama ceremony? C'mon, say because he likes bald people. Oh, no, it's about religious freedom and, what? "I like going to the gold medal ceremonies"? What the fuck? Do they have crock pots filled good mini-wienies and tiny meatballs in barbecue sauce there?

10:56: What did he think in 1981 about an Israeli strike on a Baghdad nuclear plant? He answers, "I was a private citizen in Midland, Texas, trying to earn a living for my family" then. And, you know, he was up to his balls in tequila and blow. It's a clever ruse, he says, that reporters are using the past to get him to make statements.

10:57: Regarding a picture of Vladimir Putin and Mahmoud Ahmadenejad getting along, Bush tells us that pictures are a sham: you don't get pics of leaders "scowling" or "angry."

11:00: He keeps getting annoyed that "You're trying to get me to" answer things. Dude, you called the fuckin' press conference. Ain't that the point? Didja just feel like acting like a dick in public? "This is not my first rodeo." No, but maybe you oughta actually touch the mustang.

11:04: Regarding victory over al-Qaeda in Iraq. "If you're the number three person in al-Qaeda, you've had some rough goes," he says, referring, of course, to hundreds of people. And "You can't win this militariliy." Ummm, then why the fuck are there 180,000 or so military troops there?

11:06: When's asked again about Putin on Iran, he looks at the reporters like they're babies puking up toy soldier pieces.

11:09: Another possible closing question, Fox "news" hottie-ready: "Nancy Pelosi says you're a liar whose pants are, in fact, on fire. Is your ass hot?"

11:10: About a peace conference on peace in the Middle East: "We're for comprehensive peace, the international meeting will be serious and substantive." Which everyone will believe aFter that big serious climate change meeting that was actually a sub-Jim Varney level farce. And, by they way, isn't it demeaning to keep referring to the Secretary of State as "Condi" and only "Condi" to the press? Not Secretary Rice. Nope, just the name that marks her as a little bitch lapdog.

11:11: Oh, hey, he's got an American flag lapel on. That's much more patriotic than being the goddamn president in the goddamn White House with a huge fuckin' American flag next to him.

11:12: My, what a shit-eating grin he's got when he says he talked about a two-state solution to the Israel/Palestine progress.

11:13: Oh, he's pushed the "ideological vision of extremists" button, the whole A-rabs don't want democracy thing.

11:14: How about this one: "Harry Reid has threatened to re-crucify Jesus if the son of God comes back. Do you think that's a bad thing?"

11:16: In a line that seems to indicate he hand jobs and fingerfucks world leaders, he says, "My leadership position has been to...actually influence people" by getting personal. And then he adds, "Nobody likes to be talked to in a way that points out flaws in a strategy." Putin told him going into Iraq was a bad idea. Well, it's good to know that post-Cold War, the Russian intelligence community was right and ours was wrong.

11:18: The American people want to know, he exclaims, "if we're passing laws that are beneficial to the American people." Like spying on them. Americans know it's good for them to be spied on. And that phone companies that "allegedly helped us" should have immunity.

11:22: "I'm concerned about PTSD," he says. Word.

11:23: "I'm surprised I haven't been asked about SCHIP," Bush says. So he's gonna ask himself. And makes sure we know that he wants only the shoeless, scabby poor kids get covered.

11:25: On former General Sanchez's comments: More or less, Bush says, "Sanchez is out of touch. Fuck him."

11:26: He's responsible for contractors, but he wants to see the "analysis" of the performance of contractors. A firm like Blackwater "protects people's lives." He appreciates their service. And if you piss those crazy drunk bastards off, they'll go all G. Gordon Liddy on you.

11:27: He's getting tired, but what a stupid fucking question: "Why did you let SCHIP get to the point of veto?"

11:28: "What's your definition of torture?" he's asked. He answers, clearly, "Whatever the law is."

11:29: Goddamn, this is boring. Bush claims he's still relevant. The reporters ask questions that make it seem like they're barely paying attention. The Rude Pundit wishes he were a fuck of a lot drunker.

11:30: He's talking about the wiretap bill and kicks out the al-Qaeda fear jams again. He's talking about SCHIP again because he needs to make sure people know he loves un-enwombed kids.

11:32: He's out. It's done.

No softball last question. Just a fine masturbatory exercise, the kind of mean, angry jacking off when you act like you're fuckin' whoever's in your head hard.