These Evil Motherfuckers Won't Be Satisfied Until We're All Dead and/or Dumb (Part 2: Dead)

Yeah, Donald Trump, listening to the most savage cockfleas in his inner circle of cockfleas, twatmites, and sphincterworms, wants the Supreme Court to overturn the entire Affordable Care Act, as a discredited decision from a federal court in Texas said should happen. The hitch for Trump is that the same five justices who upheld the ACA last time are still on the court. Remember: Kennedy wanted to overturn it; Roberts upheld all but the Medicare expansion. And the idea that John Roberts would want his legacy as Chief Justice to be that he kicked 20 million people off health insurance and allowed thousands of Americans to die is almost laughable.

Of course, we live in a filthy time when the laughably ludicrous and the unimaginably cruel dance madly with each other until they leap off a cliff and drag the rest of us with them.

The Dumb Orange Motherfucker in the White House couldn't give two jiggles of his jowls about whether or not people die, or even if those dead people come from his base. He wants to destroy one of the few remaining accomplishments of Barack Obama, who dared to be president while black. And Trump despises that nothing he has done and nothing he has ever done or will ever do will be as popular and important as Obamacare is right now. Not his worthless wall, not his fake peace with North Korea, not his debt-driving tax cuts. And not his terrible TV show and shitty buildings and forgotten books. So, fuck it, people must die to prove he can kill them.

Or at least he can tell the idiot hordes that populate his rallies of the damned that he's trying to murder them. Because they are hordes of idiots, they will yawp and roar in approval and chant, "Murder us! Murder us!" Nothing could be better than being murdered by Donald Trump, right, MAGA cretins? If he was chosen by God, then that's like being raptured. Fuckin' morons.

To be vaguely fair, Trump has promised that he's going to have a replacement for the ACA that will be so awesome you won't believe it. An aide to Vice President Mike Pence, who is the human embodiment of feeling constipated, said there will be a GOP health care plan this year, before the expected Supreme Court case, which would likely be decided in mid-2020.  Yes, this brain trust is going to do what Republicans haven't been able to do for the last 9 years. Get Jared on it.

Even Mitch McConnell has said, "Yeah, no, fuck this shit" about Trump's stand on the ACA. Although he has promised he will be a total dickhead about Medicare-for-All. So...points for consistency?

Of course, the ACA is the major way that these evil motherfuckers are trying to kill us. In ways large and small and medium, the Trump administration is trying to makes us sick, weak, and dead. Like: what is the rationale for slowing and threatening to cut aid to Puerto Rico, still suffering from the devastation of Hurricane Maria? Fuck 'em and let 'em die.

Check out some of the cuts in the dead-on-arrival 2020 budget the White House put out. In fact, let's just look at the Department of Health and Human Services.

For instance, there's a 12% cut in the Centers for Disease Control, that includes eliminating funding to universities for research and eliminating funding to states for studying climate and health, not to mention programs for alcoholism, glaucoma, and promotion of breastfeeding.

In the Administration for Children and Families, it's a $6.6 billion cut in funding, another 12% reduction from this year. This shit is just pure cruelty. There's a 10% cut in Temporary Assistant for Needy Families in order to "promote self-sufficiency" in, you know, needy families. Perhaps the most insidious cut is $91 million in refugee assistance to "reflect the expectation that fewer refugees and other entrants will enter the U.S. in FY 2020." There it is. We're not even gonna fund for allowing more brown refugees to defile our virginal white America.

Oh, and the budget cuts completely $3.7 billion in Low Income Home Energy Assistance, so, you know, poor, elderly people can die of heat exposure or freeze to death.

Yeah, they're gonna kill a bunch of us, but, man, that wall's gonna be so fuckin' pretty when it's made of our bones.


These Evil Motherfuckers Won't Be Satisfied Until We're All Dumb and/or Dead (Part 1: Dumb)

So the proposed budget for the Department of Education, led by avaricious billionaire and every evil stepmother Betsy DeVos, has a $60 million increase in spending for charter schools.  The DOE is doing so despite a growing backlash against the entire charter school movement, as well as real doubts about the effectiveness of charter schools and the constant fraud and mismanagement that has plagued them.

Meanwhile, the DOE has proposed cutting a shit-ton of programs. You've heard about the $17.6 million eliminated funding for Special Olympics Education programs, a number so absurdly low relative to the wave of negative press coverage and growing outrage that you've gotta think that Trump just asked his cabinet to spitball ideas for something really vile and needlessly cruel he could do.

But there is a whole fuck of a lot of good shit on the chopping block, like killing $1.2 billion in after-school and before-school programs that even the DOE admits "provide safe spaces" for kids. Or eliminating the only other need-based grant for college assistance, the Federal Supplemental Educational Opportunity Grant. Another particularly dickish cut is $29 million for Arts in Education, which supports arts initiatives for "students from low-income families and students with disabilities." Oh, and the budget cuts funds meant to hire more teachers because who the fuck needs that, right? We learn everything we need from Trump tweets in this time of the Great Stupiding.

Many of these are dismissed in the budget summary with the blanket statement that a program "has limited impact and funds activities that are more appropriately supported with other Federal, State, local, and private funds." Motherfuckers, if state, local, and private funds could have funded this, no one would have asked the federal government to get involved in the first place. And these are just the eliminated programs. I didn't even mention the cuts to programs for Native American kids, as well as blind and deaf kids.

This doesn't just stick it to the inner cities and all those dark people who won't ever vote for Trump. Red states are gonna get fucked redder by these cuts. For example, programs in Mississippi are gonna get reamed out Deliverance-style. The funds that would allow the state to hire around 700 new teachers? Cut. Services for before and after school for 22,000 kids? Cut. Over $60 million in cuts to just three programs in that state. Go around Red State America. Who's gonna make up the $94 million in cuts to Louisiana? The $150 million in Ohio? The $400 million in Texas? Will Betsy DeVos pitch in? Maybe she can sell one of her ten yachts.

Defending these cuts like an automaton set on "barely-disguised contempt for you goddamn poors," DeVos told a congressional committee that "We had to make some difficult decisions with this budget."  Except they made stupid ones. Meanwhile, as pointed out at the hearing, a report showed that over $1 billion was wasted on "charter schools that never opened, or opened and then closed because of mismanagement and other reasons." Oh, yeah, and never forget that Republicans passed and Trump signed a tax cut for rich pricks that comes in at over $2 trillion over 10 years (or, you know, $230 billion a year, on average).

Why do this? Almost none of these things will pass. Many have already been declared dead on arrival Why put out a document that is the political equivalent of sticking one's mushroom dick in a light socket? Cutting Special Olympics has to be on the first page of the "Shit You Don't Do, Even In Case of Emergency" pamphlet they give you when you arrive in DC.

I could come up with all kinds of reasons that presuppose some sort of genuine ideology at work here. I could tell you it's part of the conservative push to make the federal government have no role in the everyday life of everyday Americans (unless you want an abortion). I could try to place this in context with typical GOP budget fuckery, where military spending is always huge, along with tax cuts, and domestic spending is always the target.

But, really, I think the answer is far more mundane and yet far more sinister. They do this shit because they get off on it. They get off on the outrage. It's what rich motherfuckers have always done to the rest of us. They make us dance and they make us scramble for their amusement. And they get away with it because they know nothing can ever really touch them.


Random Observations on a Cover-Up: The Barr Letter, Not the Mueller Report

1. Fuck the spin. We know nothing about Special Counsel Robert Mueller's Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. What we know is how Attorney General William Barr characterized the report and its findings. Barr is a Republican sin eater, engorging himself on a banquet of crimes and betrayals going back decades.  He has no moral or ethical standing here, and his legal standing is based on how he was going to wolf down the slop trough of sins of the Trump administration. Unless and until we see the actual report, the actual evidence, the actual two goddamn years of work that was done and that, apparently, Barr only needed less than two days digest and shit out a summary letter, we know nothing.

2. But, hey, for shits and giggles, let's say take the cackling Russia naysayers' perspective and treat Barr's letter like it's totally legit. Well, look at the second page, where Barr says explicitly that Mueller showed that Russia tried to interfere in the 2016 election. I mean, call me a crazy conspiracy theorist, but when I read, "The Special Counsel found that Russian government actors successfully hacked into computers and obtained emails from persons affiliated with the Clinton campaign and Democratic Party organizations, and publicly disseminated those materials through various intermediaries, including WikiLeaks," I think that's pretty fucking serious and damning and deserves action from, oh, hell, let's say the White House.

2a. Barr writes that "the Special Counsel did not find that any U.S. person or Trump campaign official or associate" conspired with Russians to spread disinformation through social media. But when it comes to the DNC hacks, he writes, " the Special Counsel did not find that the Trump campaign, or anyone associated with it" conspired on them, leaving out the more all-encompassing "any U.S. person." Which says to me that someone in the U.S. sure as shit conspired.

2b. This part is entirely fucked up: apparently, there were "multiple offers from Russian-affiliated individuals to assist the Trump campaign." So, just to get this right, Russian operatives told the Trump campaign, presumably Jared, Junior, and Manafort, "Hey, we're dicking around on social media and, by the way, we've hacked the shit out of Hillary's email. Wanna fuck?" And we know that Jared and/or Junior winked about lifting sanctions while saying out loud, "Oh, no, we'd never want that." And then they didn't go directly to the FBI and turn everyone in who contacted them. That inaction gave tacit approval. Put it this way: If President Hillary Clinton's campaign hadn't turned over Russian offers of hacked Trump emails to the FBI, DC would be on fire tonight as enraged Republicans demanded Pennsylvania Avenue run red with the blood of her administration.

2c. And if this had been written about President Hillary Clinton: "while this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate [her]," the only thing we'd be talking about is how she wasn't exonerated. The GOP and the media wouldn't let her say that she was exonerated. They wouldn't allow such an obvious, demonstrable lie. But with Trump, well, fuck us all, it never matters that he lies like the rest of us breathe.

2d. Frankly, Mueller's report could exonerate Trump on everything. It could be everything that Republicans are spinning it to be. But I'm not gonna buy anything one way or the other until we get to see the thing. I'd be a credulous idiot to think any other way. Right now, without the report, this is a cover-up. Of obstruction. Of the extent that our electoral system is at risk. Of what Trump's relationship with Russia actually is.

3. While Trump and his party of religious zealots, miserable racists, child molester enablers, and generally shitty humans are attacking Democrats savagely, let's not leave out the role Trump played in making the investigation into Russian meddling in the election all about him. He saw it as tainting his "Greatest Victory in the History of Everything Yeah You Heard Me Fuck You," so he sought to discredit the investigation and the people doing it.

But here's the trouble I have. If you believe the Barr letter, you have to believe that Russia did meddle in the election. It's right there. It says so. Yet every time Trump has been given the opportunity to agree with fucking everyone that such interference occurred, he has dismissed, demurred, or denied it. He has suggested multiple times that it could be the Chinese or the mythical 400-lb hacker. And his administration is doing precious little to prevent that interference again. This is like the climate change of espionage here: it happened. It's happening. Everyone knows it's happening. But because a tiny group of tiny dicks refuse to act, nothing will be done. And it'll just get worse while the tiny dicks get jacked off on all of us.

So, at best, Trump has such a fragile ego that he fears anyone questioning his election. Or he wants Russia to interfere. Or he's utterly compromised. In other words, he sure as shit acts like he's guilty and we're fucked either way.

4. Democrats did put too many eggs in Mueller's basket. And now they should kick the investigations into high gear. Get some fuckin' subpoenas going. Drag some motherfuckers before committees and put 'em under oath. Get Trump's goddamn tax returns. Some emoluments clause, motherfuckers. Some bribery.

Look, Trump is buried up to his neck in shit. Sure, it would be nice to have backed up dump truck of manure and covered his orange deflated yoga ball of a head. But we can also get our shovels and finish the job with the shit that's already there.

5. Let's fuck shit up in 2020. I don't buy that concentration on Russia has hurt Democrats. If anything, it has unified us and pissed us off. Feel that rage. Embrace it. Use it to fuel you through November 2020 because, without some miracle or dark magic, we're not getting out of the rest of this Trump term. Gird yer loins, motherfuckers. Gird 'em for the long fight.


How to Survive the Next Few Days Until We Know What's in the Mueller Report

I know. I know you're sitting there with "It's Mueller Time" memes popping up all over your Twinstaface feeds. You're watching Rachel parse every word in Attorney General William Barr's memo informing us that he's received Robert Mueller's report on his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election and other assorted matters. You're listening to every panelist from every administration since Nixon tell you what might be in there, what might get released, what Congress might get to see, what the White House might try to stop, and on. And on. And on.

And you're wondering, "How in the fucking fuck am I going to survive waiting until something definite is released or leaked?"

Lemme give you some tips.

1. Turn off the fuckin' news networks. Or turn it to the Weather Channel, where you can get news on the catastrophic floods in the Upper Midwest. Or watch BBC News, where you can realize that even people with posh accents can bumblefuck around like brain-damaged gibbons when it comes to Brexit.

2. But, no, seriously, turn off CNN and MSNBC (and if you're hate-watching Fox "news," the fuck is wrong with you? And if you're seriously watching Fox, fuck you). Most of the pundits and analysts are reading tea leaves in the dark, whether they say the report exonerates Trump or condemns Trump. They have a couple of vague ideas of what's in there (like explanations of the indictments Mueller has gotten, which mostly include lying to investigators for Mueller). But otherwise? They don't know a goddamn thing, and those channels have got 24 hours to fill with walking around while wearing blindfolds. It'll drive you nutzoid to stay tuned in.

3. Turn your hopes down for the report. It might be explosive. It might be disappointing. It might be frustratingly opaque. It might be brutally definitive. But if you've been fantasizing about Mueller arresting Trump and frog-marching him out of the White House, well, you're gonna need to pull that back a bit because he didn't. In fact, there won't be any more indictments coming because that wasn't Mueller's job. That's for others to decide based on the report. And there is every chance in the world that we might not learn everything that's in the report.

4. Concentrate on the shit we do know that we didn't even need Mueller for. Every day, Trump is doing something impeachable or demonstrating that he's unfit for office. Democrats need to talk about the shady business deals (which, yes, do cross over with Russia matters) and witness intimidation and erratic policy decisions and self-enriching and refusal to condemn white nationalism and hush money and more, far more than enough to impeach any president. If we put too much into the Mueller report (as too many Democrats have), then we lose the chance to convince people on the other shit.

5. I hear Captain Marvel and Us are good. Binge Catastrophe. Go March Madness mad. Ride a bike until you're so exhausted that you can't think about anything but the sweat in your eyes and aches in your calves. Drink. Try those edibles your brother brought over. (I think I just planned my weekend.)

6. Remember that what we know already is pretty amazing and damning.

7. Remember that, whatever is in the Mueller report, the SDNY is preparing to torpedo the entire, awful Trump family.  Remember that Democrats are proceeding, however overly cautiously, with their investigations. Remember that Trump is exposed in other jurisdictions, too.

8. But, mostly, really and sincerely, stop torturing yourself by watching the news networks squeeze every dingleberry of news out of the empty bowels of their sources. When we really know something, a fucking flare will go off on Twitter. Your news alerts will make your phone into your vibrator.

9. Rest. Because there is a very good chance we're gonna need our energy and our voices for the fights to come. Especially if, despite all our wishing, this presidency makes it to the 2020 election.


Other Batshit Things Trump Said at His Latest Batshit Speech Besides Shitting All Over John McCain

Yes, yesterday, at a plant that makes tanks for Saudi Arabia, among others, in Lima, Ohio (motto: "It's about as awful a place as you think it is"), President Donald Trump dropped his pants and had Rob Portman hold him steady while he took a shit on Stephen Miller dressed up like John McCain. Because his diet consists of McDonald's, KFC, and Diet Coke, he sprayed his shit instead of having it come out in nice, compact turd form. Miller tried to sound like the deceased Arizona senator, saying, "No,  Mr. President, please, I'll give you the dossier. I'll turn my thumb around. Please stop shitting on me." Trump, of course, merely grunted and shit some more and looked at the dumbfounded factory workers as if to say, "Yeah, you like that. You like watching me shit on him." Miller loved it.

However, after he pulled up his pants (Hell, no, he didn't wipe. As he likes to say, "Only the gays put anything in their butts"), the rest of Trump's rambling, shambolic ranting was filled with utter bugfuck insane stuff. It's like his brain is just starting to curl into on itself, and he is just a stream-of-barely-consciousness spouting meat sack. A few examples:

-- Apparently, the only thing that tanks conjure for Trump is the 30 year-old image of then-Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis riding around in one. Trump's brain is stuck in the 1980s, where almost all of his references begin and end. He punned, "[H]e tanked when he got into the tank. He tanked — I never saw anybody tank like that." If you're punching yourself in the face for reading that, well, get ready for his insult of Dukakis's height: "The helmet was bigger than he was.  That was not good." I'm gonna bet that a good many of the young workers there had no idea what the fuck this old man was talking about, but that never stops Trump from a good insult.

-- The parade of easily demonstrable lies was unusually brazen, like when he said, "Four straight years, the number of U.S. tanks that were budgeted for upgrades was zero." This is totally true if by "zero," Trump means, "Nearly two billion dollars." He does this shit just to degrade Barack Obama. In fact, he mockingly added, "That was under your great President Obama." Look at the utter, petty, ludicrous contempt with which he holds Obama. It's like the former president got an extra scoop of ice cream or fucked Ivanka. Later, he talked about how the United States is doing better economically than the rest of the world and added, for no goddamn reason at all, "That wouldn’t happen under Barack Obama, that I can tell you.  It wouldn’t happen under Crooked Hillary Clinton." He is constantly fighting these fantasy foes.

-- There were times where he just wandered off into the black hole of his ego, turning something that was about others into another airing of grievances. Talking about how much the workers there should love their jobs, Trump mewled, "I do, even though I have the fake news hounding me all the time.  The fake and phony and corrupt.  It’s fake.  It’s corrupt.  But we got to live with it, right?  Got to live with it." He just disappears up his own ass over and over again. And, to be fair, it would be easy to get lost in that ass.

-- Shecky Trump appeared again and again. He did his little shuck and jive about wind power, where he imagines there's no electricity if there's no wind one day. And then, I shit you not, Trump made the following joke about watching a particular TV show: "I think it was called 'Deface the Nation.' And — ladies and gentlemen, 'Deface the Nation.'" I don't know what was most soul-crushing: that he made the joke, that he thought it was a good joke, or that people actually laughed.

-- Of course, the McCain stuff was the most reported because so much of the rest of it is just typical batshit Trump, which we've pathetically gotten used to, even though it should never stop disturbing us to our cores. Trump asked for credit for McCain's funeral, which is just so fucking weird and shows how small, so very small, a man Trump is. But he wants credit for everything, like the Veteran's Choice Act, which was passed in 2014, or the factory itself: "Well, you better love me," he told the cheering workers when he entered. "I kept this place open, that I can tell you." (It wasn't going to close.)

He dismissed McCain at the end of his rant inside his rant with "Not my kind of guy." You know, I've got no love for John McCain, but I'd've loved it if his zombie corpse had risen up, shoved a bamboo stick up Trump's ass, and said in a horrible, rotted voice into Trump's ear, "Not my kind of guy, either." And then McCain could have moved on to all the Republicans who aren't condemning Trump for his insults, bamboo at the ready.

(Bonus: When Trump asked a worker to make a comment, this poor, dumb motherfucker actually said, "It is my personal opinion that God was looking after our country when you were elected." That he wasn't immediately crushed by a falling tank is proof that God doesn't exist.)


The Amount of Time Trump Spends Tweeting Should Be a Scandal

A few days before Donald Trump's trashy inauguration in January 2017, I tweeted this: "So this is our life now? Awaiting tweeted proclamations each morning from the Orange King as to who has lost his favor? Fuck all of this." And it was one of those obvious statements that was tinged with the slightest bit of sardonic hope. It certainly seemed that we were damned to have to daily word turds shat straight from the anus of a brain of the Commander-in-Chief, but, goddamn, we could also think that surely the job of being president is so packed that he just won't have time for Twitter. It was a thin, ludicrous wish, but futile hope is one of the great and sad things about being human.

So, ultimately, it wasn't a surprise that a guy who was an unrepentant motherfucker on Twitter before getting elected would continue to be both unrepentant and a motherfucker after getting elected. You don't go from talking about "the losers and haters" and accusing President Obama of being born in Africa to becoming generous and diplomatic just because you bumblefucked into the presidency. The content of the tweets, while enraging, idiotic, and threatening, just reflect who Trump is and who he always has been. A dick is a dick is a dick.

But the excessive amount of tweeting Trump does is legitimately fucked up. However much you may despise him, he's the goddamn president. You'd think he might have important shit to do. Yet somehow, yesterday, on a Monday, allegedly a fucking workday, he tweeted 15 times. And if you go back a couple of days, as the New York Times points out, Trump tweeted 50 times between Friday morning and Sunday night. While, yes, we can include the caveat that Trump may not personally pound his tiny thumbs on his unsecured phone, he is either dictating or approving the tweets.

Not only did he whine his usual litany of complaints, but he retweeted long segments from Fox "news" shows that defended him or blew him. He also directly criticized the weekend anchors on Fox. Think about that for a moment. The President of the United States has nothing better to do on a Sunday than watch a TV show he's hating so he can bitch about it. You know who's watching the Sunday afternoon of any news channel? People who are too lazy or sick to reach over the couch to get the remote and people who have to watch that shit for a living. Trump is showing that all he fucking does is watch Fox and, alarmingly, One America news, which is like what you get if an Alex Jones fucked a Breitbart. Every day. From morning until night. We got reporting that that's what he does, but he's demonstrating it through his tweets. Hell, just today, so far, again, in the middle of a workday, he's bitched about Kellyanne Conway's husband and "fake news," and he promised to "look into" alleged bias on social media.

The number of tweets reveal, simply, that Trump isn't doing his job. While many of us knew this would be the case, why isn't this pissing off the very people who talk about lazy workers? Or the "takers"? The man gets a fucking salary (which, he claims, he gives away, but Trump and his awful family of cockfleas and ass polyps burn through a shit-ton of taxpayer cash for their travel and living expenses). Every working person should be demanding he put the fucking phone down and do what he was hired for.

It's kind of amazing that every fucking day, we're not getting outraged commentary about how Trump doesn't do any actual work. That he just lurches from tweet to tweet, with Big Mac and Diet Coke breaks and golfing at his own golf courses breaking it up. Maybe they could take his picture-book intelligence briefings and make them dot-to-dot so that he has to draw to see what it is. "Oh, look, it's a nuclear missile! No one knows dot-to-dots like me!" he can yell while his staff members keep telling themselves that this is marginally better than death.

Besides, you know this dumb orange motherfucker is constantly checking the likes and retweets, hoping to get a dopamine hit that will keep the demons of failure at bay for just a little while longer.

For a contrast, I have a full-time job (and, sorry, losers and haters, I don't live in my Mom's basement and I don't like Cheetos). I tweeted 16 times yesterday, mostly during a one-hour period when I was watching Elizabeth Warren's town hall on CNN last night. Over the weekend, I tweeted just 20 times, still too much, but nothing compared to the goddamn president. That's because I spent time catching up on work, reading some things that make me just a little smarter, going to a concert, and getting into a vodka drink-off that I'm pretty sure ended in a three-way. In other words, I fucking lived.

We never see Trump read, we never see him enjoy time with his family, we never see him doing any work other than sitting at his empty desk, we never see him do any exercise besides lumbering from a golf cart up to a ball, taking a swing, and wheezing back to the cart, his man tits resting on his stomach as he rolls, ape-like, to the next hole. He is disengaged with the world beyond his appetites. How he himself is being treated is everything. How we're being treated is next to nothing (and the only reason for "next to" is that, occasionally, he pretends to give a shit about someone who kisses his voluminous ass).

Again, again, again, we knew all this about him. We fucking knew that he was lying when he said that he wouldn't even have time for golf. We knew that he was that sweet spot combination of a bully and a dullard, with a buffoonish cherry on top. We knew that he was going to be a total bastard because he's always been a total bastard. In fact, I'd venture to say that everyone knew it, but some of us put it aside because he was also racist, and they fucking loved that.

Still, we have proof, every day, that he's not doing his fucking job. On Twitter, I had someone tell me that he has to defend himself because the media is so mean to him. No, I responded, that's the fucking job of his media team. His job is to be president. But I guess we've changed the job description from "Leader of the Free World" to "Sullen prick who yells at the TV for the amusement of idiots."

The content of the tweets are a constant scandal. The effort he puts into them should be one, too. Make it into a campaign line: "Let's give Trump more time to tweet." I'd add, "Because fuck that lazy piece of shit into the ground," but I'm not running.

(Note: Yes, I know his idiot horde loves him tweeting and he's just pleasing them. And, yes, you are so very smart to say that it's better he's ignoring his job when he could be fucking it up.)


You Idiots Are Causing "White Genocide" Yourselves

In his bullshit, totally trolling-to-trigger-the-libtards "manifesto" (which, fuck him, I won't link to), the Australian terrorist dickmite (and I won't name him, either, because fuck him again) who murdered dozens of people at two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand, makes multiple references to "white genocide." To him (and too many other dickmites), whenever, say, Muslims move to his blissful white country and build a mosque and set up some tasty kebab shop, it's pretty much the same thing as gassing all the white people and dumping their bodies in a mass grave.

In other words, "white genocide" means "demographic changes."

See, the white nationalist dickmites think that things have gotten so disastrous for the future of white people that they need to take up arms and kill those they see as the "invaders." It's too late to just fuck their way to a greater white population, although fucking is encouraged, so the only to stop it now is to declare it's go time and finally get to use those Bushmasters for what they were built to do: kill Muslims. Or any other non-white people they don't like. Or Jews because it's always Jews. This Aussie dickmite says as much in his overwrought manifesto, that he's, essentially, a Racial Justice Warrior. God, these "ethno-nationalists" are such dumbasses.

The irony is, though, that the very politicians and policies that most of the dickmites love are the very politicians and policies that are forcing populations to migrate from their homes and cause "white genocide."

You wanna prevent people from Central America from seeking asylum in the United States? Maybe you support politicians who want to help the infrastructure and economies of nations like Guatemala and Honduras, like we were doing under President Obama.

You wanna head off a gigantic climate refugee crisis, one that will dwarf anything anyone has ever seen once parts of India and Bangladesh become uninhabitable? Then don't support the politicians who deny that anything needs to be done to mitigate the effects of climate change. (Aussie dickmite presents himself as an environmentalist, but his solution is to end overpopulation through, you know, actual genocide.)

You wanna slow immigration from Muslim countries? Then maybe don't vote for leaders who prop up dictators, who fight worthless wars, who support the most conservative elements in countries in the Middle East, and who break fucking deals that can lead to a nation like, say, Iran becoming more Westernized (which, really, a lot of the people there want).

You upset because when immigrants get to your white country, they don't immediately embrace every stupid thing you love? Then maybe don't be an asshole to the immigrants so that they feel welcome and part of the larger community instead of staying in communities of their own to survive. Maybe don't be a prick about refugees, especially those that are fleeing places where they face suffering and death.

Yeah, you dumb motherfuckers, the savage dullards you support have created the circumstances where more non-white people want to leave their countries to add some color to your pasty white joint. Ain't that a fuckin' kick in the nuts right there?

Of course, the larger reality is that this shit is happening because this shit always happens. And armed racist nutzoids are gonna keep doing their shit because they have online communities (and some IRL ones) that egg them on until one nutzoid breaks off and says they're gonna start the war they've all talked about starting in order to keep Whiteguystan white.

The alternative is to accept that immigration has been happening forever and that races mixing is just demographic destiny. This isn't being done at the point of a gun. Unlike the colonizing ventures of Europe, no one is forcing you to give up your way of life and accept theirs. Enjoy diversity. Embrace it. It's pretty fucking great to open yourself to accept that other cultures just make life more interesting. (You won't because you're, well, nutzoid dickmites.)

You also can't ignore history: That Muslims have been part of Europe for many centuries, and they've been part of the United States and Australia and New Zealand since the founding of all three. That demographics shift constantly and sometimes one racial or ethnic population just takes over. Shit, go to Queens, New York, sometime.

And that the only reason to fear the shift is if your race or ethnicity is so pathetic and weak that your identity is going to be erased. If that's the case, then it deserves erasure.

(Note: Let's pause to recognize how richly ironic it is that a white Australian is complaining about another race coming to his country and fucking things up.)


In Brief: Vice President Pence Makes the Case Against a Border Wall

Yesterday, while speaking at the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Advanced Training Facility in Harpers Ferry, West Virgina, Vice President Mike Pence, a man who always looks like he's trying to hide that he's got a remote control vibrating butt plug in his sphincter, essentially made the case that our current border security works when it comes to illegal drugs. It was truly, fucking weird.

Pence praised the gathered CBP officers and officials for preventing "the illegal entry of criminal aliens and drugs at our ports of entry and on our border." And then he said, "It’s amazing to reflect that, just a month ago, that the Nogales Port of Entry in Arizona Customs and Border Protection prevented more than 250 pounds of fentanyl from entering the United States of America. Tremendous." He added after some applause, "That was enough fentanyl to kill nearly one-third of the entire population of our country, and it was the largest fentanyl bust in CBP history.  And the team at Nogales has our congratulations and our thanks."

You got that, right? The largest fentanyl bust ever was at a port of entry.  But wait...

Then Pence congratulated the CBP for another triumph: "Last month, working with state and local partners, CBP agents stopped a shipment of illegal drugs from passing through the Port of Newark, ultimately seizing more than 3,200 pounds of cocaine worth $77 million.  That’s worth a round of applause too." Putting aside that asking for applause is just so goddamn pathetic and needy, that's a decent amount of cocaine, and, again, it came through a port. It wasn't a bunch of Mexicans running across the Rio Grande with cocaine strapped to their cantaloupe calves.

Later in the speech, Pence did say that they were getting funding to build more of the border wall, but someone there should have said, "Why? You just fuckin' told us about drugs coming through the ports of entry. Strengthen our shit there."

Of course, no Mike Pence speech is ever devoid of creepily sexual tension. Trying to bond with the law enforcement agents, the former talk radio host said, "I was out there on the range today, and I went in and watched a wrestling match — in the training center.  And I told — I told those extraordinary trainees and trainers — I said — I said, 'Look, we’re with you, but you need to know the American people are with you.'"

I don't think we needed the detail that Pence stood there watching sweaty people wrestle while he told them, "We're with you." Meanwhile, one of his Secret Service agents knew he had to turn the butt plug up to 10. Pence's face was pinched in ecstasy.


Don't Do This Shit Again, Democrats

Democrats are doing that thing they always do, that same bullshit of questioning every step, every word, every gesture to the point of paralysis in some areas. In just the last few days, we've gotten a report that some Democrats are feeling skittish about opening up investigative whoop-ass on Ivanka Trump, the daughter and fantasy lover of President Donald Trump, because it might make Daddy-kins angry. We've had the entirely unnecessary blow-up over Ilhan Omar's poor choice of words when talking about issues related to Israel. And now we've got Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi declaring, "I’m not for impeachment...because it divides the country. And he’s just not worth it."

Welcome back to the same fuckin' pothole-filled road we've been down too many times.

The most important of those is Speaker Pelosi's pronouncement, which is more definitive than she's ever been on the subject of impeachment with Trump. For some of us, our stomachs turn and our bowels clench because it echoes what she said in 2006, after Democrats won back the House and she was about to become speaker. "Impeachment is off the table" when it came to George W. Bush, even though he was a goddamn war criminal, even though we desperately wanted him punished.

In the course of her new interview with the Washington Post, Pelosi agrees that this is the most divisive "political climate" since she's been in Congress because "because of the person who is in the White House and the enablers that the Republicans in Congress are to him." She adds, "We have a very serious challenge to the Constitution of the United States in the president’s unconstitutional assault on the Constitution, on the first branch of government, the legislative branch…This is very serious for our country." And, when asked if Trump is fit to be president, she is very clear: "I don’t think he is. I mean, ethically unfit. Intellectually unfit. Curiosity-wise unfit. No, I don’t think he’s fit to be president of the United States."

If the president is assaulting the Constitution, dividing the nation, and is unfit to even be president, then impeachment should be the most important thing that the Congress can do. Fuck the politics. Fuck the Senate. Fuck waiting for the Mueller report. You fucking do the investigations in your committees, you write up the articles, and you vote. You do it because, if you don't, then you're saying, "Yeah, he's a criminal surrounded by criminals who is actually turning people in the country violent, but, damn, the Republicans will just be so mean about it." You do it because history and your goddamn oath of office demand that you do it.

And don't talk to me about Bill Clinton's approval and the 1998 midterms as being hugely affected by investigations and his impeachment. As I wrote last year, that's a garbage argument. Clinton's approval was already above 50%, heading to 60 after his reelection and his disapproval was mostly in the 30s. Trump's numbers are the opposite. And the crimes Clinton was accused of are just a Tuesday morning for Trump while every other fucking tweet of Trump's is him looking us dead in the eye and saying, "I did not have collusion relations with that country, Russia."

As for the idea that the Senate won't convict, well, shit, the House right now is passing all these bills on voting rights, gun control, and more that the Senate won't touch because Mitch McConnell is a total cockmite and, you know, it's run by Republicans. That's not stopping the House from voting on things so that Democrats can run on the legislation that was stalled (and will have to be passed again in a new Congress). Besides, the Senate can't just ignore the House on impeachment.  The Constitution requires that the Senate have a trial on removing the president once the House impeaches (although you can bet McConnell will try to say he doesn't have to). That trial won't be about Trump's dick and whose mouth it was in, although it could be. It will be about how, say, he's getting bribed by Saudi Arabia through his family business.

While polls right now have impeachment far down the list of shit people want the Democrats to do, the point is that the majority of Americans think Trump's a fuckin' crook. They will get on board with taking this corrupt asshole down. Jesus, kicking out a rich prick? That's a fuckin' movie ending.

Look, you wanna excite the base for an election? You wanna get people to rally around you? You wanna bring the left and moderates in the party together? Then don't fucking do what President Obama did with the GOP after 2008 and let the bastards slide. Don't let them control the narrative. Go after every single one of Trump's criminal children (so far, Tiffany and Barron seem to have blissfully stayed out of the muck). Anal probe these fuckers until you're up to your elbows in their colons.

And don't take the goddamn bait every time Republicans start screaming about something on Fox "news." It's been days since Trump called the entire Democratic Party "anti-Jewish." And not a single Republican member of Congress has condemned him saying that. So, really, who the fuck cares if the GOP is upset about some insult? If you're a Democrat saying that impeachment should be off the table because it might piss off Republicans, then you're just doing their jobs for them.

Pelosi could have played it coy and said, "Well, we'll have to see where things lead." Or she could have said, "The nation is worth it even if he isn't." She could have said said that the Founders of our nation put impeachment in the Constitution for a reason, for people like Trump. The groundswell of support from Democrats (and a good number of independents) would overwhelm the outrage, and the fence sitters and the nervous Democrats would have gladly surfed on that wave.

In the most generous reading of her words, Pelosi knows something or has something up her sleeve. But I don't think so. I think that, for how great she can be on things like wall funding and other issues, this is one of those times that she acts like the sadly typical, abashed Democrat, afraid to use power to its fullest.


They Will Always Find Women to Hate

Remember when a whole bunch of people on the left were saying that Nancy Pelosi should get out of the way because conservatives had so successfully painted her as a demon bent on engorging herself with the ripped-out hearts of real Americans? Or when that demon was Hillary Clinton (although, let's be honest, it will always be Hillary Clinton)? Man, was that a dumb thing to say (and I said it more than once, which I regret and, damnit, I knew better). Because, see, these GOP motherfuckers will always create a succubus when a Democratic woman speaks out.

Right now, along with Pelosi, the main Democrats being put through the GOP meat grinder are Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, and Ilhan Omar. They are being placed under the right-wing microscope, along with Senators Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris. And while, yes, Democratic men do get excoriated by the right, there's a special glee with which conservative media attacks women.

Look at the front page of just about any conservative website, and you'll be inundated with stories that are about what this gaggle of harpies is up to. It's not just Omar's supposedly anti-Semitic remarks. It's not Ocasio-Cortez's ability to talk shit right back to her opponents. Now, Fox "news" is talking about Omar's comments on President Obama. And here is a screenshot from the front page of Townhall.com (motto: "The shitty side of the tracks where you can still get your hate on"):

Six stories. Three about Ocasio-Cortez, one with an unflattering Pelosi photo. And that's on top of at least three additional Ocasio-Cortez stories, a half-dozen or so Omar stories, and at least three about Tlaib, with a couple of two-fers of Omar and Tlaib because, you know, Muslims. Plus, as ever, a Hillary Clinton attack because she dared to say something.

On and on this goes. The National Review's website has gone crazier than a shithouse rat about Omar, with a section devoted to her:

You'll notice that they managed to get Ocasio-Cortez in there in a piece about Democrats, as if there aren't, you know, hundreds of other Democrats they could feature.

The Daily Caller has its Omar articles but is stalkery-obsessed with Ocasio-Cortez:

While you could say that Omar is featured so much because of her AIPAC tweets and such, as well as the Democrats putting forward that ludicrous "anti-hate" bill (which, sure, everyone but the most dickish and dumb would vote for because it's a fuckin' anti-hate bill), but the crazed coverage of Omar is so disproportionate to what she said that it's absolutely laughable. Is there anyone who doesn't believe that Israel policy is affected by the money that AIPAC gives to candidates? It's like saying that gun policy is influenced by the campaign contributions of the NRA, but I guess even saying that gets you accused of being anti-Gunitic or whatever.

The worst part is that we've seen this so many times that we ought to know how to deal with it. But too many on the left fall into the trap laid for us by conservatives. They want us to turn on our own. That's what makes all of this so fucking aggravating. We know exactly what they're doing, but, instead of telling them to go fuck themselves with their sexist rhetoric, Democrats try to figure out ways to apologize. The political equivalent is a bully grabbing your hand and smacking you with it while asking you "Why are you hitting yourself?" while you say you're sorry for something they say you did.

What scares the fuck out of the right is that Ocasio-Cortez, Tlaib, Omar, Warren, and Harris, and many more Democratic women aren't letting Republicans do that. They're hitting back, and, as we've been told so many times, playground bullies can't handle that, especially when it's a girl doing the hitting.


What "Leaving Neverland" Unintentionally Reveals About Trump Voters

The HBO documentary Leaving Neverland was a staggeringly sad film. Most obviously, your heart breaks for Wade Robson, James Safechuck, and all the others who were raped as children by Michael Jackson. And you can't help but feel sorry for Robson's siblings and both his and Safechuck's wives, as well as having pity and disdain for their mothers who allowed their children to share a bed with Jackson. It's a powerful indictment of how we treat celebrities and how readily people can be brainwashed by continuous manipulation and lies.

And all I kept thinking was "How?" As in "How the hell did we allow Michael Jackson to get away with having a child companion with him all the time?" How is that not automatically, obviously wrong? Putting aside the rape and abuse, in the abstract, it's objectively wrong for a man in his 30s and then 40s to sleep alone in a room, in a bed with a child who is not his own (or at least a niece or nephew). And to this day, there are millions of people around the world who will defend Jackson, who will say that he didn't do anything wrong, who will say that we just don't understand him.

Which, in so many ways, to me, explains supporters of Donald Trump. I'm not saying that to diminish or mock the pain of Jackson's victims. No, I'm saying that the delusional thinking that went on in everyone else, from the kids' parents to Jackson's fans, is so very similar to the delusional thinking that you need to be a Trump supporter. And it was all aided and abetted by a complacent media that, yes, hounded Jackson but dropped the ball on the real story.

As with Michael Jackson, there is so much that is plain to see with Donald Trump, things that, even if you don't think they rise to criminality (like sleeping with a little boy or blatantly profiting off being president), should at the very least give a rationally-thinking person pause. But, to take it further, when even credible allegations of actual crimes are put out there, Trump voters, like Jackson fans, contort themselves to dismiss the allegations. It's all with the goal of continuing undying, irrational devotion to Trump. They tell us, in essence, "Trump didn't violate campaign laws. Trump didn't agree to help from Russians when it was offered. Trump is telling the truth and everyone else is lying." Or "Here is this convoluted plot that shows Trump is being set up. Probably by Hillary."

But there's a way that Trump voters may be worse in some ways. The families of Robson and Safechuck, especially their mothers, were incredibly close with Jackson, and they didn't believe the Michael Jackson they knew and loved was the monster described in the press and in court documents. But when Robson and Safechuck told their families, their loved ones immediately turned against Jackson, with Safechuck's mother even saying that she danced for joy when she heard Jackson was dead.

I'm going to bet that people who are harmed by the policies of the Trump administration could tell their Trump-voting families how, say, the trade war caused their farm to go bankrupt or that the undermining of the Affordable Care Act denied health insurance to them, and those families will say that none of it is Trump's fault. (Why? In the case of Trump voters, they love his racism. It's always been the racism.)

Look, this isn't a perfect analogy. What I'm saying is that someone who is masterful at manipulation can create a fervor that is frightening in its incoherence. With Trump, so many of us look at what's plainly in front of us and say, "How the hell can you not see this?" while his voters say, "How the hell can you see it?"

I get it, by the way. I loved the Jackson 5 and I loved Michael Jackson back in the Off the Wall and Thriller days. I didn't want to believe the allegations were true, but, at some point, I couldn't just shake the feeling that there was something deeply wrong with all of his behavior. Maybe I just give a damn about reality and truth more than I give a damn about clinging to a belief. But too many people would rather cling than change because it undermines what they think they understand about themselves and about the world.

That's why there are millions of fans of Michael Jackson and Donald Trump who will never back down from their defense of the monster.

(Note: Again, I've deliberately left out Robson and Safechuck. What they went through defies metaphor. And I hope they can find some peace and healing.)


That Fucked-Up Trump Speech Was As Fucked-Up As You Think It Was

Start with the flag hug. When Trump walked out at the Conservative Political Action Conference at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center in National Harbor, he walked over to the large American flag on stage right. It was on a post on the stage, so it was dangling down, as it should. Trump put his arms out so everyone in the crowd would know what he was about to do, for he had done it before. And then he put his arms around the flag and embraced it. But that is never enough of a gesture for Trump. Then, as he has before, he pressed the side of his face against it, with a wide, flat, satisfied grin on his bulbous, orange face, the look of a man who never hugged his father. He gave more affection to that flag than we have ever seen him give his youngest child or his grandchildren. The crowd cheered in appreciation of Trump's hug; the message was clear: this is how a real American treats the flag.

It was weird. No, that's not strong enough. It was fucking weird. Disturbing even that such an overtly simple-minded move could garner such a strong reaction, that while the left passes around photos of it to mock, the right send it around with pride. Hell, the White House tweeted the picture with the single word, "America!" Which is just even weirder.

I wasn't triggered or anything. I just thought, "How fucking pathetic. Of him. Of everyone there." And how, for lack of another phrase, fucking weird. But, of course, that was just the start.

Trump gave a speech that was the equivalent of watching a corpulent, masturbating, nude man get to the roof of a skyscraper and run giggling right over the edge, howling with laughter while he jizzes as he plunges down as people on the ground cheer him on and a few of us on the roof wonder, "What the hell just happened?" It was a nervous breakdown before an audience that wanted him to go madder and madder for their pleasure.

It was fucked up, and it was even more fucked up if you watched large chunks of it. Trump leaped between subjects like a coked-up chimp doing parkour. He jumped from another of his ludicrous retellings of his election, each time his win is more improbable, more impossible, more superheroic, to how the world loves the United States with him in charge to, no shit, the Great Tariff Debate of 1888. And that was the first ten minutes or so.

Essentially, for him, the history of this country can be divided into a pre-Trump era and a Trump era. The pre-Trump era was a wasteland of failure and despair. And that shit was in his prepared remarks: "We are reversing decades of blunders and betrayals. These are serious, serious betrayals to our nation and to everything we stand for. It’s been done by the failed ruling class that enriched foreign countries at our expense. It wasn’t 'America first.' In many cases, it was 'America last.' Those days are over." Off-the-cuff, he was clear he was shitting on Republicans, too. Leaders of other countries tell him how much better things are now, he says: "They know that what’s taken place over many years — not just the Obama administration; long before that — they can’t believe, themselves, that they got away with it."

Going through the whole speech would be a descent into the void at the center of Trump's being. Trying to enumerate all the lies would be a Sisyphean task because as soon you think you've found them all, you know there are so many more there. And to highlight the many times Trump referenced crowd sizes or his 2016 election would be soul-suckingly miserable (but, seriously, he went on about crowd size for a long damn time). Instead, here are a couple of moments that are profoundly dangerous.

On multiple occasions, Trump attacked the various investigations into his administration and his finances. His ire was especially focused on Robert Mueller's probe into Russian meddling in the 2016 election. Trump said, "Robert Mueller put 13 of the angriest Democrats in the history of our country on the commission. Now, how do you do that? These are angry, angry people. You take a look at them. One of them was involved with the Hillary Clinton Foundation, running it. [Note: Jeannie Rhee was an outside counsel on a case for the Clinton Foundation. (Note: It's not called "the Hillary Clinton Foundation.")] Another one has perhaps the worst reputation of any human being I’ve ever seen." On that last one, it's hyperbole to the point of absurdity. Trump has a fucking relationship with Kim Jong-un, inarguably one of the worst human beings on the planet, and he has worked with various mobsters his entire career. If the Mueller investigation leads to indictments for Trump and his family, he has put a target on the backs of those lawyers (who are Mueller's team, not a "commission").

Talking about abortion, Trump once again brought up Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam's widely misunderstood statement about post-birth palliative care for dying newborns.  "The governor - a Democrat - stated that he would allow babies to be born, to be born outside. He would wrap them. He would take care of them. And then he’ll talk to the mother and the father as to what to be done. And if they didn’t want the child, who is now outside of the womb - long outside of the womb - they will execute the baby after birth. They will execute the baby after birth. And that’s one many people have never even heard of or thought about," he explained. And that would be horrible if it were remotely true, except it's not.

There is continuous violence against abortion clinics, like the man in Missouri who was just charged with trying to burn down a Planned Parenthood, and there will be more threats, more violence, more killings because a lot of people believe this shit. There are too many Americans who really believe that Hillary Clinton runs a pedophilia ring. They've got fake-ass videos with this fake-ass baby murder. This shit isn't abstract. The crazy is here, and the president of the goddamn United States is helping the crazy thrive.

Speaking of putting targets on people's backs, Trump said, "We have people in Congress — right now, we have people in Congress that hate our country. And you know that. And we can name every one of them if they want. They hate our country. It’s sad. It’s very sad." It's so obvious that Trump hates this country. It's obvious ever time he talks about his disdain for states that didn't vote for him in 2016. It's obvious when he sprays his verbal vomit all over California, all over any attempt to slow climate change, all over anything that contains a scintilla of science or common sense. He hates any aspect of America that isn't kissing his pampered, voluminous ass.

Too many of us accept this all as normal now, especially in the news media, where the panelists are angry one moment and then laughing at how silly it all is the next. Imagine the outrage if a New York Democrat had mocked a southern accent (as Trump did imitating Jeff Sessions), or if any Democratic president had called a Republican senator "crazed" (as Trump did with Hawaii's Mazie Hirono). Instead, most Americans just roll over and take it because the weight of everything, of all the things that are legitimate scandals that we already know about, from his campaign finance law violations to the inauguration graft scam to the emoluments engorgement to his obstruction of justice, is so heavy. Now, when he talks crazy, sweaty, chaotic, and tyrannical, it's like, "Yeah, that's nuts. But, hey, that's Trump. Hopefully, the Democrats will impeach him but who knows? Fingers crossed on Russia."

This is all taking a toll on the country. It's not just the pain of liberal snowflakes getting owned or the whiny-ass conservatives who can't handle any criticism. It's the failure of any perspective on Trump from the Republican side (other than the occasional Never Trumper who, yeah, fuck them, they got us here), the utter willful blindness, that is sapping our national soul. I keep coming back to the Michael Cohen hearing, where not a single Republican thought it was important to ask the president's former lawyer about the president's possible crimes. Just normal curiosity might lead you to ask.

But while it's so exhausting to get your rage on every time Trump opens his garbage pail mouth, it's important to constantly say, as Elijah Cummings did at the end of the Cohen hearing, "We have got to get back to normal."

If we even remember what that is anymore.


New Episode of Another Goddamn Podcast and More

In the lastest episode of Another Goddamn Podcast, I'm talking the post-Roe history of Louisiana's fucked up abortion laws with historian and activist Caroline Hymel. She's the author of an amazing article that traces all kinds of fuckery and places my home state at the center of our neverending abortion war. And I talk about telling a (now ex-) friend to stop trying to make me anti-choice.

Listen to AGD Podcast at iTunes, Stitcher, Soundcloud, and elsewhere. It's free, and, if you're inspired, rate, review, subscribe, sex up the thing.

You know what's not free but just as juicy? The Rude Pundit Patreon page. There, starting at just a thin $1 a month, you can get all kinds of bonus shit. Bonus posts, bonus audio, bonus extended interviews. And, now, I'm gonna be working out some of the material for an upcoming Rude Pundit stage show,

For $1 a month, you get a never-blogged Patreon-only post once per month, along with an occasional audio Rude Storytime. 

For $3 a month, you get a weekly Patreon-only post, and even more audio Rude Storytime. I'm telling stories about drunken nights in Denmark and sober fights in academia and that time I was a Santa in a shitty mall.

For $5 a month, you get all of the above, plus extended interviews from Another Goddamn Podcast. Upcoming interviews will feature some hilarious writers and comedians, like Sarah Cooper, who I'm about to leave this coffee joint to talk to.

For $10 a month, you get all of that, eternal gratitude, and, when I put together my upcoming Rude Pundit live show, a free ticket.

And if you're thinking, "Fuck, man, can't I just give you some money and you give me something, like NPR or a grateful hooker?" Sure.

The offer still stands: you donate $50 or more at PayPal by clicking right here or over on the side, and I'll send you all of 2018's bonus posts. Over 60 pages of fun and dark tales, punctuated with drinking, a few drugs, a little sex, and the baffling world of QAnon, along with talk about movies, music, and other pop culture shit, as well as stories about horrible people and about lovely people.

Now let's hope this weekend doesn't bring us too much more Trump shittiness.