A Filthy End to the Filthy Campaign of a Filthy Liar:
This election has lasted roughly four years, from the moment it became clear that Barack Obama was going to use John McCain as a dildo to roughly fuck Sarah Palin and take the presidency for the briefly empowered forces of sanity. The cruel pummeling of ads and coverage and rallies and debates that the nation has endured, especially since the end of the midterms in 2010 and especially in swing states, ought to be banned under some treaty or other. Now, here in the Eastern United States, however sick we may have thought we were of the 2012 presidential campaign, we just want the goddamned thing over with.

The Rude Pundit winces, in a Pavlovian way, whenever he sees news about Mitt Romney's fake concern for storm sufferers. He twitches at the commentators wondering when Obama will head back onto the trail. We have no time for it anymore. We have no time to entertain whether or not the Republican charlatan's long con will work. We have no patience for a press that's unwilling to call a lie a "lie" unless it's done in quotation marks or with fact-checkers' long-nosed Pinocchios with their pants on fire.

On some level, it seems as if the campaign of Mitt Romney is a mad sociologist's experiment in seeing how many lies people are willing to either believe or let pass and still vote for a candidate. The Rude Pundit wouldn't be surprised if on next Wednesday morning, Romney was revealed to be the robot we all suspected he was and the scientist controlling the levers and buttons gave a press conference where he said that he was using the machine to try to gauge just how racist and stupid the nation actually is.

"People call me 'mad,'" the no-doubt crazy-haired sociologist would say. "But I programmed the Romney 5000 to say, with a straight face, things that objective truth demonstrated otherwise. And nearly half of you didn't care. So ask yourself: Are you racist? Stupid? Or both? Because my research shows that there are no other options, even for you rich people." Of course, he'd have to disable the robot because it had been set on self-destruct all along and nothing happened.

Look, the Rude Pundit is used to lying Republicans, especially ones running for President. We went through two campaigns with George W. Bush, and that bastard wouldn't have told a truth to Americans if Facts and Reality had held a knife to his nuts and screamed at him to tell the world he believed in them.

But there is something so deeply galling, so disturbing in how Romney lies. The post-primary campaign began on a lie, that Obama was dissing "job creators," and it now ends with a lie, that those "job creators" are moving their jobs to China because Obama failed them, a lie so ludicrous that the CEO of Chrysler has had to refute it. In between, Romney has unleashed a stream of lies, each one easily proven false, but he has been relentless and, c'mon, there's only so many hours in a day. The lies about the President and his policies are of a piece with Romney's lies about himself.

See, we use the cute phrase "flip-flop" to describe Romney's change in positions. But they're not mere shifts in position. They're lies that get to the core of the man's beliefs, such as they aren't. And we could ask if Romney was lying in the past, when he was very moderate, then intensely conservative, or now, when he's somewhat more moderate again. But, except for abortion, Romney refuses to admit that he's changed his position. That's the big lie, the one he has gotten away with more than any other, the one that's winked at as if "That's just Mitt." It's not that Mitt Romney has terrible policies. It's that he's a terrible human being.

The Rude Pundit had intended to write this on Monday. He had intended to make this a series of questions posed to some mythical rational Romney voter, as in, "How would you feel about a Democrat who ran an ad saying something was factually wrong after being told it was factually wrong?" But if that kind of logic was going to work, it would have by this point. So fuck 'em. Write those assholes off. Their faith in lies is what wrecked us in the first eight years of this terrible century. And this storm is the final nail in Romney's coffin, the sealing of which was a long time coming. President Obama didn't fuck up the response to Sandy, as Romney might have hoped. He made Romney seem like the tiny, insignificant rich dick he is. And even New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has decided he's sick of the effete poseur and tossed Romney under the number 2016 bus.

Right now, the Rude Pundit's power might not be back until the end of the day, Monday, November 5. If that happens, that means that he'll be spending Election Day cleaning out the refrigerator. Oh, he'll vote, even if he has to scrawl an X on a ballot, even if he's in a state that is deep in Obama's tank. Because liars shouldn't be rewarded.

He'll head into the filth left behind in some of the worst-hit areas to help get rid of the mud and muck, wreckage that's far worse than it should have been because Republicans have blocked anything to do with climate change and infrastructure improvement. Like the President, he'll try his best to clean up their mess. It's what we Democrats are damned to do.


A Brief Note on Climate Change in the Wake of the Storm:
All over the mighty internets, people are tapping away, asking the question, as The New Yorker does, "Is climate change responsible for Hurricane Sandy?" With no scientific, meteorological, or climatological experience beyond "I read some shit," let the Rude Pundit answer: "Fuck yes." Or, more precisely, "How the fuck is that even a question for anyone who hasn't been rendered stupider than a tenth generation dalmatian by watching Fox 'news' or been reading brain-mallet websites like Newsmax or been ear-raped by Rush Limbaugh?"

While Washington drags its feet like the tendons have been cut, everywhere else, people are behaving as if they'd come to the conclusion, "Well, hell, this is the new climate." The Rude Pundit has written on how the New York City MTA had already begun to deal with rising sea levels, and that was before last night's disaster flick flooding of the subways.

Being interviewed this morning on 1010WINS, the NYC all-news station, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said that it's time for the state and federal governments to come up with a plan for New York that deals with how climate change has affected the state's weather. "We've had two hundred-year storms in two years," Cuomo said, referring to Irene and Sandy. This is normal now. Cuomo wants to explore building a levee for Manhattan.

Remember your evolution, people. When the mutations take the place of what exists, the mutation becomes the species and is no longer considered a mutation. The same goes for weather and storms we used to refer to as "freak." We're not just talking recent hurricane magnet New York/New Jersey. We're talking the whole damn country, the whole damn world.

The fact that the subject has been absent from the presidential campaign is shameful and a slap against all the victims, from the fires on the West Coast to the drought in the middle to the floods right here, right now.


A Quick Tale of Right Wing Ignorance Before the Storm Arrives:
The Rude Pundit, well stocked with enough vodka, sausage, and condoms to last a Siberian winter, is awaiting the bad part of Sandy, the not-at-all-related-to-climate-change-late-October-hurricane-for-fuck's-sake. He doesn't know when he will lose internet or power, so he'll just tell a quick story from this past weekend and save the vaguely articulate arguments for another day.

In a cozy bar in Morningside Heights in New York City on Friday night, the Rude Pundit sat across from the Elderly Southern Belle, who is white and in her 60s. The Elderly Southern Belle had already entertained the group by saying that she wasn't racist just before launching into her version of Black Person's Voice, which sounded like a toothless ghetto whore out of a 1970s TV cop show. The Elderly Southern Belle's own accent could best be described as "somewhere between Deliverance and Mama's Family." So doing another kind of accent to demonstrate that race's ignorance was a little like a rat acting like a pigeon to show what disease-carrying vermin are like.

The ESB started in about politics, the Rude Pundit having vowed that he would avoid the topic in order to keep the evening peaceful. The ESB talked about how bad she felt President Barack Obama had been for business in the nation. The Rude Pundit stayed silent. She talked about how Medicare could only be saved by a Romney presidency. The Rude Pundit stayed silent. She said to the Rude Pundit, "I hope you don't ever want to retire because that money ain't gonna be there." The Rude Pundit could remain silent no more.

"My retirement funds are doing great because the stock market is doing great under Obama," he said.

The ESB said, "Well, they're not gonna if Obama is reelected."

"No," the Rude Pundit said. "When Barack Obama took office, the Dow Jones was down to around 6500. It's now over 13,000. That's a fact."

She stared at him and said, "Well, that's because--"

"No 'That's because--,'" he cut her off. "It's a fact, it's indisputable, it happened, under Obama. Can you say it didn't happen?"

She was silent for a moment. Finally she offered, "It went down when he first came to office--"

"For a couple of weeks. And then some of his policies came into place, like the stimulus, and it turned around."

She tried one more time, saying, "Sure, but--"

"No 'but.' No nothing." The Rude Pundit had had enough. "This is a number. It's a fact. It's not an opinion. It's not open to interpretation. It was one number and now it's another number that's twice as high. Under Obama. Argument over."

She gave up and moved on to health insurance. That's a story for another time that involves the Rude Pundit saying at one point, "Fuck those doctors who quit."

This is what Democrats are up against. It can't be said enough: facts don't matter to Republican voters. Numbers are all lies. And, as we saw in that Chrysler's-sending-jobs-to-China ad this weekend from the Romney campaign, reality has no place in the rhetoric of the right.

The truly sad part is how many people, like the ESB, will always believe the lies that confirm their prejudices rather than the truth that challenges them.


Photos That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Drink Ink With a Yink:

We can probably figure out Ann Romney's favorite part of Dr. Seuss's One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish:

"The moon was out and we saw some sheep.
We saw some sheep take a walk in their sleep.
By the light of the moon, by the light of a star;
They walked all night from near to far.
I would never walk. I would take a car."

Her husband's?

"Hop, hop, hop! I am a Yop
All I like to do is hop,
From finger top to finger top.
I hop from left to right and then...
Hop, hop! I hop right back again.
I like to hop all day and night.
From right to left and left to right."


Note to Richard Mourdock: Your God's an Asshole:
Let's just follow the bouncing ball of illogic, not just of the "gaffe" (if by "gaffe," you mean, "saying exactly what one believes") in what Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock of Indiana said, but also his subsequent statements, which are a reflection of the anti-abortion movement at large. Mourdock said, "I know there are some who disagree and I respect their point of view but I believe that life begins at conception. The only exception I have for – to have an abortion is in that case for the life of the mother. I just – I struggle with it myself for a long time but I came to realize that life is that gift from God, and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape that it is something that God intended to happen."

Parse that out for a moment or two. For Mourdock, "life" or, you know, "pregnancy" is a "gift from God," but if that gift, which is from, as mentioned, God, might harm the mother, it can be returned or aborted. You'd think that God, being, well, shit, God would know better than to gift a woman who might die from childbirth or pregnancy. But, wait. If God gave this gift, then didn't God intend for the child to be born and the woman to die? And if you believe, as Mourdock just said he does, that a woman can get an abortion if her life is at stake, is not Mourdock for undoing the will of God?

To his credit (no, really), Dick Mourdock didn't back down from his beliefs and apologize, like Mitt Romney eventually did from his 47% speech. Nope, he just doubled down. He issued a statement: "God creates life, and that was my point. God does not want rape, and by no means was I suggesting that he does. Rape is a horrible thing, and for anyone to twist my words otherwise is absurd and sick." Quick piece of advice to politicians: if at any point, you need to assert that rape is bad, you have fucked up, whether you wanna admit it or not.

Again, let's do a thought experiment: If your god has the capability of making the rape sperm invade the egg and create a zygote, then that god is probably capable of, say, giving the rapist the flu so he stays home and eats soup rather than rapes a woman. Or your god should be able to shove him out of a window in a tall building. Either way, your god would be a good guy, a mensch, and a woman would not get brutalized. (Note: insert your own snarky line about "forcible rape" here.) But if what you're saying is that your god decided to go ahead and let the woman get raped and beaten and psychologically damaged because he has this plan for her to get knocked up, then your god is an asshole. You wanna worship an asshole?

The ideologically inconsistent icing on this cake of religion and politics and the well-being of women? If that pregnant rape victim's life is in danger, then, according to Mourdock, she should be able to abort the fetus, God's rape gift be damned. If you point this out to Mourdock or any of the Jesus's wound-lickers of the evangelical right, they would say that we cannot know the ways of God or that everything is part of God's plan or some such shit. And then you might say that if we cannot know God's ways, then how do they know that the rape baby is a gift. And then they'll just give you that look that says they think you're crazy, and it just makes you wanna kick 'em in the taint. Hard.

The amazing part here is the number of conservatives who have said they stand with Mourdock, probably having used up all their outrage on Todd "Avenging Vaginas" Akin. An unsigned editorial in the National Review (motto: "A chronicle of the degradation of conservatism from intellectual Buckleyism to self-fellating Steynosity") says that while Mourdock may have expressed himself "clumsily," his "position is, however, more than defensible, and it follows logically from very widely shared pro-life premises." Washington Post blogger Jennifer Rubin does her usual schtick of trying hard to be loved, attacking the attackers. And Mourdock's website lists others who have come out in support of the Republican's hardline stance (which will not be linked to here because fuck that guy).

By the way, Mourdock's Democratic opponent, Joe Donnelly, is a big time Blue Dog who opposes abortion with exceptions for rape, incest, and the mother's life. He's being attacked by anti-abortion groups and children of rape victims, who should be told that no one is saying that abortion should be forced on rape victims who get pregnant, just that the choice should be there, as it should be for all women.

We used to consider Donnelly's position pretty radical. Now, we've reached a point where Indiana will be lucky if it gets the guy who doesn't want to make rape victims get back alley abortions or carry unwanted pregnancies to term. 


Any Lead Romney Has Is Because White People Are Comfortable Again With Their Racism:
Drunk on good beer and stuffed with shitty bangers at an EPCOT-worthy fake Irish pub in deepest, suburbanest New Jersey this past weekend, one of the people at the Rude Pundit's table decided to start talking politics. "I talk to people, union guys, who say they're not going to vote for Obama," the man said, asserting that while he wasn't necessarily an Obama voter, he found this odd. Or, more precisely, "It's fucked up. I tell them, 'Look, you should be voting for him. Obama has done more for unions than any president since FDR.'" It was a major overstatement, but there was much beer involved, with Irish coffees on the way, so one can let such things slide. "For instance, you know Scott, right? He's a cop, in the union. When I asked him, he just said, 'Oh, Obama's the worst. I can't vote for him.' That makes no sense for someone like him."

The answer was obvious, of course, and the Rude Pundit stated it: "It's because they're racist."

"No, no," he insisted. "They're not. They'd have said the same thing about Clinton. Well, Clinton back before he was president." Ah, the hedge. Always look for the hedge.

"Sorry, man," the Rude Pundit said. "But it's because they're racist. Scott is racist. There is no other reason."

The virtual disappearance of the race factor from mainstream media coverage of this election belies the obvious stench of it floating just below the surface. There's a large number of whites in this nation who voted for Obama last time, drawn in by the high of being part of a movement, who are relieved that Obama hasn't been too great a president so that they have an excuse to not vote again for the black guy. Resurgent racist impulses don't get polled, but shifts in voting trends in states like North Carolina have to have some reason other than Romney's charm and grasp of the issues and desire to do exactly what George W. Bush did to the economy.

What's the evidence of this? Let's get into implications rather than demographics. There's no need to go through the litany of what Obama has accomplished (you know it: ending the Iraq war, saving the economy, that shit). Instead, ask yourself, dear, dear doubtful reader, and ask it honestly: Why would anyone who isn't rich and greedy vote for Mitt Romney?

As The Daily Show, among many others, pointed out, at the final debate (aka "The Debate That Didn't Matter Because Romney Had His Ass Handed to Him on a Paper Plate"), Romney blatantly contradicted virtually every position he had held on foreign policy, and he did so in a way that had him agreeing with Obama on nearly everything the current administration has done, despite beating his chest for months prior to that debate. Now, say what you want about the importance of the economy and jobs, but a big part of what a president does is dealing with other nations and Commander-in-Chief type of shit. If you take that out of the equation, then what's left is hoping Congress will work with you on the domestic front.

When we get to the domestic front, we're talking about just a couple of differences beyond social issues (so calm down, rabid anti-abortion nuts who wouldn't have voted for Obama anyways): repeal of Obamacare and the small hike in the tax rate for income over $250,000. There's a few other tax issues, but these are the ones that affects the vast majority of Americans. In other words, Obama did or wants to do more or less what he campaigned on the first time. When it comes to Romney, the only thing that he seems to have a clear, consistent opinion on is tax cuts, especially cutting corporate and capital gains taxes (aka "Those Things That Will Make Me Richer").

This ain't about people who voted for McCain who now support Romney. It ain't about Americans who aren't voting for Obama who have a principled disagreement over Obama's use of drones to execute people without charge or trial, as well as his extension of Bush's surveillance program. This is specifically about Obama voters who have turned to Romney. How could you do so?

For, truly, is Mitt Romney a man you could see yourself entrusting the nation to for any reason other than he looks white and successful? Has he really convinced you that Obama doing most of what he said he was going to do when you voted for him before is that much of a threat that you'd shift your vote to the shifty candidate? C'mon. There's no logic there. You just can't bring yourself to vote for the black man again. You tried it. It didn't magically change the world, so now you can comfort yourself by giving into your prejudices.

Either that or you just really hate gays.


Random Observations on Last Night's "Foreign Policy" Debate:
1. When the Rude Pundit arrived home last night, he parked across the street from his joint, with the bumper a couple of inches past the white line that indicated a driveway for the house. He wasn't happy to leave it like that, but parking sucks around the neighborhood and it was late and the driveway still had plenty of room for the car that was parked there to back out. This morning, he went out to his car and saw a note on his windshield, a full page written with a Sharpie. Preparing to suck up the insults and admit he was wrong, the Rude Pundit grabbed it and read how he had crossed that line. But then it went on: "I work for the state police...I could have your car towed. I have had 15 cars towed just this week." Well, that just makes you a dick, thought the Rude Pundit. It went on like that and also said, "I could not get my car out."

The Rude Pundit looked in the driveway. The car was gone. In fact, the gate to the driveway was open wide. Factually, through the power of observation, one could demonstrate that the letter contained at least one lie. Then he thought about it. He had never seen a car towed on his block ever. Surely, 15 in a week would be noticeable. Then he thought some more. He's lived across the street from this guy for about five years. He's never seen anything that would indicate that he's a cop. Besides, surely, in this neighborhood, if one "works" for the police, it probably means one is an informant.

It made no sense. Why bother saying these things in the letter if the main point was that people shouldn't park their cars even a couple of inches across the line that was painted near his driveway? Is that not wrong enough? Why did he have to create some fiction in order for the situation to seem worse and for him to seem tougher?

Then the Rude Pundit glanced at the house and noticed the sign in the window: "Romney/Ryan." Ah, of course. If one has very little to say, then all one can do is make up things that, whether they make sense or not, sound like things that make you a badass.

That's pretty much all one needs to say about Mitt Romney in last night's debate with Barack Obama.

2. Oh, fuck Israel. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck Israel. If you knew nothing about foreign policy, like, shit, most Americans and, obviously, Mitt Romney, you'd think that that Israel's security is the only thing preventing the United States from sinking into the ocean. For the U.S., you know what's more important than Israel? India. You know what didn't get mentioned last night? India. You know what's more important than Israel? Global climate change. You know what didn't get mentioned last night? Global climate change. You know what's more important than Israel? The Mexican drug war. You know what didn't get mentioned last night? Mexico. You know what's more important than Israel? The shit that's been going on in the Eurozone. You know what didn't get mentioned last night? The Eurozone. In fact, the word "Europe" was said just once, in a list of alliances the President asserted are stronger. For the kids, "Europe" is a continent that doesn't contain Israel, but does contain almost all of our strongest allies in the world and probably deserved a shout-out.

(Note: This part could have also started with "Oh, fuck al-Qaeda.")

3. Romney said, in reference to the death of Osama bin Laden and the Obama administration's continued campaign of murder bombs taking out alleged terrorists and anyone who happens to be nearby, "[W]e can't kill our way out of this mess." Then, an hour or so later, he said murder bombs are awesome: "[I] feel the president was right to up the usage of that technology, and believe that we should continue to use it, to continue to go after the people that represent a threat to this nation and to our friends." Then he said again that we can't just be killing. So we should kill, but do more than just kill because certainly the people who want to talk to you and take your aid are the same people who are watching their houses get blown up or showered with shrapnel and gore from your murder bombs. In other words, he agrees with Obama.

3a. He also said, "[I]t's widely reported that drones are being used in drone strikes," which is about as intelligent and cogent as Romney got the entire debate.

3b. Romney never mentioned veterans at all despite his bombastic defense build-up rhetoric.

4. On substance, then, it was a fairly useless debate, as have all the debates. On style, though? If Obama had been as clueless, pandering, and flop-sweaty as Romney, pundits around the country would have said that they're getting ready to cover a Mitt administration. However, since it was the Democrat who won, most will say that Romney didn't do too badly. That's bullshit. Romney lost big time. It was embarrassing at times how little a major party candidate seemed to know or care about the rest of the world. Romney acted like Sarah Palin, a talking point machine who couldn't string together a proposition or thought. He looked like Nixon on meth, sputtering, useless, and, goddamn, so sweaty. He tried to shift to moderate mode again, but this time Obama was ready and he repeatedly called Romney out on it, at times eviscerating Romney. He tried to shift to domestic policy, and Obama went right along with him, kicking his ass every step of the way.

And when Romney wasn't trying to say that Obama was wrong, he was positively feckless. He either agreed completely with Obama or he threw out a word or two that made it sound like he had just looked up, say, Mali on his smart phone. As for any alternative to anything Obama was doing, Romney's sole plan seems to be that he'll be there and not Obama, and somehow, through Mormon magic involving the castrated balls of the eunuchs in the Tabernacle Choir, no doubt, America will seem stronger with a man named Willard in charge.

Call the Rude Pundit wrong, but this seems less like a plan and more like an insane ego trip.

1a. Oh, as for the note? Like the way we should react to Mitt Romney after this final meeting with Obama, the Rude Pundit crumpled it up and tossed it on the guy's lawn, like throwing a fish back into the lake.


What Obama Should Say 2012, Part 3 (Rude Version):
If, at tonight's debate on foreign policy between Barack Obama and Republican candidate Mitt Romney, moderator Bob Schieffer asks about the United States' relationship with Israel and the President doesn't say, "Here's the difference between you and me, Governor. If Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was standing in front of me with his pants and underwear around his ankles and he told me to suck him off, I'd do it. I'd go to town on that circumcised dick. I'd work the shaft, I'd massage his balls with my tongue, I'd make him jizz so hard that they'd hear him yell all the way from Gaza to the Dead Sea. Now, if he was standing in front of you, you'd do the exact same thing, except that you'd stick your finger in his asshole and massage his prostate until he blew his load in your face. And then you'd use his semen to glaze your hair. Now, really, that's it. Either way, Bibi's gettin' blown. I just prefer to do it without having to clean shit from under my fingernail when it's over.

"What the fuck do Republicans want? At least have the 'nads to come out and say that you're hot to bomb Iran. Come on, Governor. 'Cause, see, that's all that's on the table if you don't think I'm being tough enough. That's it. Oh, and maybe actually talking to them, but, shit, it's an election, and diplomacy is weakness, I get it. Shee-it, I listened to that nattering old woman, Lindsey Graham, say yesterday that 'the time for talking is over.' Motherfucker can rake me over the coals as much as he wants, call for investigations, talk tough for a soccer grandma. But he still won't say it. None of you will. Because you're shit-scared of saying so 'cause the country is just seein' the end of the two wars you started last time and you don't want another one on your ticket. Because you know that if you do really bomb Iran, Israel will be snuffed out faster than a birthday candle in a hurricane.

"Governor, every time you speak about world affairs you either lie or say the exact same policy I have, except with more fake tough guy words. You said last debate that I went around 'apologizing' to our enemies. Prove it. You said I didn't sign any new trade agreements. Prove it. You say I'm being a little bitch to China. Prove it.

"I'll tell you what I can prove. What's your foreign policy experience, Governor? That the French weren't nice to you when you tried to get them to join your cult? That you had fuck fantasies about Austrian female lugers while you ran the Olympics? That you ran or owned companies that sent jobs overseas so that you could turn a profit. Christ, you couldn't even go to England without stumbling over your dick and farting in the Queen's face? Hamid Karzai will eat your brain out of your fuckin' skull.

"And, truly, I cannot say this enough: I had Osama bin Laden killed. Your guy couldn't get it done in seven and a half years. I did it in less than three. And I did it by going into Pakistan and getting it done. Action talks, motherfucker. And bullshit? Take it out of the fuckin' building. Oh, by the way, America, you know who said in 2007 that we shouldn't go into another country to get bin Laden? Mitt 'Sittin' Right at This Table' Romney. He was wrong. I was right. Proof. Right there. Clear as a bullet in the eye. You said wouldn't have gone in. I did.

"Now I know you're gonna say that what happened in Libya was an enormous fuck-up. Well, it was. And the story kept changing as we got more information, so the story my administration was telling the public was changing. Now we know what happened, and, hey, look here, we were right all along. It was a protest and it was a terrorist act. But lemme ask you something, Mitt. If we hadn't said a word, if we had said, 'We will report to the American people when we have all the facts,' what would you have done? Oh, wait. We know what you would have done because you did it. You would have gone out in public with your dick exposed and tried to blame the violence on me.

"You pampered little priss. You would be eaten alive by the shit that goes on out there. No, I wasn't the most experienced dude when I took office, but I had been out in the world, the whole world, not just the world of privilege, not the world of servants who would wipe my ass with their tongues if it would get them a second look from me. No, the world that people, the vast majority of people, exist in. It's a world that you never even knew existed, bitch, and I'm still not sure you do" then the debate will be useless.


Note to Conservatives: Barack Obama Is Not a Liberal:
In today's Washington Post, Thomas Dolby doppelganger Michael Gerson writes a little elegy for us liberals and our beliefs because our great and mightypresident, Barack Obama, isn't being a faithful standard bearer. "After four years of Barack Obama and two clarifying presidential debates, it is extraordinary how shrunken liberalism has become," says the conservative columnist who once was a loyal water carrier for the particularly un-liberal George W. Bush. "[T]he Obama agenda also reflects a broader shift in American liberalism, which has become reactive," Gerson continues. "Liberals often defend unreformed, unsustainable health entitlements — even though these commitments place increasing burdens on the young to benefit those who are older and better off." He outright calls Obama a "liberal president."

Oh, dear, dear Mikey. You know what's become "shrunken"? You know what's been degraded? The meaning of liberalism. At this point, "liberal" apparently is just used to describe anyone who has a vaguely different opinion than the most radical conservatives. There is no longer space for moderates to be called "moderates." In other words, if you think that war shouldn't be eternal and that rich people should pay a little more in taxes and that the government should, well, govern, you are a liberal. That's why David Frum and Jill Stein can both be called "liberal" when, in reality, they have virtually nothing in common. It's as if the writing of the dictionary had been handed over to the fattest flag-hatted teabagger on a scooter.

Meanwhile, those of us who are actually, really, truly liberal listen to conservatives talk about Barack Obama and think, "Huh. Are they talking about the same drone missile-sending, warrantless-wiretapping, Romneycare-embracing, tax-cutting, pot grower-arresting, Wall Street banker-protecting, whistleblower-chasing, oil-drilling president that we are?" By the way, that's just the stuff that he actually could have done differently if he were a liberal. It's not getting into all the things that he compromised away with Republicans (and some Vichy Democrats) or couldn't get through Congress.

See, Obama is the moderate that most of us on the left will vote for this time (and some won't).  Sure, in some areas, like women's rights and, finally, gay marriage, he's genuinely got a lean to the left, but he ain't a radical. You can call him "liberal" as much as you want, but just because he's a little more liberal than Mitt Romney, it does not mean he's the second coming of FDR. And, by the way, if anyone who is a moderate Republican is voting for Mitt Romney because they think he's secretly still one of them, you will be in for a miserable four years should Romney win. That sentence could be written with the word "conservative" in place of "moderate" because this is Romney we're talking about.

Obama never had a liberal agenda. He was elected as a centrist. He has governed as a centrist. Trust a liberal, dear boy Michael: he has pissed us off mightily. Unlike the paranoid right, most of us don't believe that he's been holding back his socialist beliefs until he's reelected. We have accepted that he is not a liberal and never will be. But we'll take the liberal victories we can eke out, like Supreme Court nominees who don't want to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Yeah, yeah, this goes against the Big Narrative, the one that a conservative media has forced down our gullets for the last four years, the one that everyone who opposes Obama has screamed about. But at this point, supposedly rational conservatives like Gerson should be intelligent enough to recognize the difference. Or, perhaps like Mitt Romney, it's just far, far easier to keep the lie going.


Tagg Romney's Gay Lover Speaks Out: The Inevitable Interview:
"Tagg Romney is surprisingly gentle in bed," said the man who the Rude Pundit didn't speak to today. "Usually, closeted Mormons are the worst. They want to punish you for their lust. It's something closer to rape, but with the rapist crying and holding you at the end. But not Tagg Romney. He seemed, well, experienced. I was definitely not his first. You can tell. When he started to go down on me, there was no reticence, no hesitation, no wondering what to do. You could say that he knows how to give oral. Goddamn." He paused and savored the memory. "And he not only swallowed my cum, but he licked me clean. That's...well, really, that's love. Or someone who just really likes cum.

"Which is why I was surprised when I heard that Tagg said what he said about wanting to jump out of his seat and 'take a swing' at the President of the United States because Obama had called his dad a liar at the debate. I mean, you didn't hear about Malia or Sasha wanting to punch Mitt for doing the same." There were tears in the eyes of Tagg Romney's gay lover. "I mean, he could be investigated for this, couldn't he? For threatening the president? Any ordinary person would get a visit from the Secret Service. Won't Tagg? Oh, he's too tender for that.

He asked if the Rude Pundit wanted another drink. "They're on me," he said. He ordered another couple of vodka martinis. "I first met Tagg when we worked at Reebok. And I have some investments with Solamere, his investment firm that his dad gave him $10 million to start. Tagg confided in me that the reason his wife couldn't get pregnant was because he couldn't force himself to have sex with her. But he didn't want to divorce her and come out of the closet and ruin his dad's chances at the Republican nomination. I told him that I had no problem keeping it on the down low. As long as he was monogamous with me. He assured me that he had no other lovers. And you know what? I believe him. Perhaps it's stupid of me, and, if you knew me, you'd know I am usually smarter than this, but I think after his father loses, Tagg will come out and then we can get married. If not, I'm moving on. Life is too short.

"I know why he's so tense. Yes, it's because his dad is running for president. But it's because he hasn't been able to sneak away for a weekend together. He's being watched too much. His brothers have been telling him to stay away. By the way, two more of them are gay. And one of them is way into S&M, can't even get hard without having his nuts stomped by a stiletto heel. I'm pretty sure that one has had sex with the horse, too. Anyways, Taggart's texted me a few times. He talks about how much he misses me in his ass and how often he's masturbated thinking about it. He's a nice guy, way nicer than his brothers or his dad. Or his mom. This Obama punching stuff just isn't like him.

"To everyone else, Tagg Romney will be Mitt Romney's son, maybe the son of a president. But to me? He'll always be my favorite cocksucker."
Late Post Today:
These binders full of women aren't going to tab themselves.

Back later with some extra special batshittery from the Family Research Council.


Random Observations on Last Night's Second Presidential Debate:
1. The one time the Rude Pundit witnessed the awful spectacle of a cockfight, it was in a grubby backroom of a bar in dark, dank Louisiana. The roosters constantly circled each other, their twitching heads indicating that they were sizing each other up. At first, one went in for a peck and then the other, testing to see how they responded. It wasn't graceful. It wasn't pretty. And then it got worse. Cock 1 dove at Cock 2, talons out, trying to rip the shit out of Cock 2. Cock 2 was already bleeding when it tried to fight back, getting in a few blows with its claws, but obviously startled by the ferocity of Cock 1's attack. It got even worse, with Cock 2 desperately trying to fight back, but just unable to. Even in its death throes, its wrecked feet weakly kicked, but there was nothing left. Cock 1 was hoisted up in victory. Cock 2 was presumable fed to the fighting dogs kept out back. The Rude Pundit did not bet on the outcome.

2. So last night, Cock 1, President Obama, decided that sleepy time was over and came out of the gate ready to destroy the myth of Mitt. In the first ten minutes, he said that Romney wasn't telling the truth multiple times. And, for the first time in any presidential debate the Rude Pundit's witnessed, it really looked like one of them was going to punch the other. That moment over whether or not oil production was cut was genuinely tense. For most of the 100 minutes or so, Obama was not the usual punk-ass Democrat, trying to find places to agree with the Republican. Instead, he was the asskicker-in-chief, taking Romney and the audience to school again and again. If this had been the first debate, we'd be talking about how big a landslide the president would win by. But it wasn't. And while Obama will still eke out a victory, it would have been nice to have put it away.

3. Romney (Cock 2, obviously) didn't suck. He was a better opponent against Obama than Obama was against him in the first debate. But he was trapped, man, so very trapped. Obama's had people say "Yes" to him for only the last four years. Romney has spent the last 40 getting his balls washed by everyone. The man can't stand it when he's challenged, especially with his own words used against him. His face gets flush, and he starts weirdly getting all breathy and frantic, as if he's about to blow a gasket. It's the face that Ann must see just before Mitt demands she bend over the antique sideboard and get ready for a Kolobian ass reaming. It's the look that must have terrified his five awful sons into eating their vegetables and washing the dog shit off the side of the car. It must be horrible to be his servant, since he considers everyone not in his class the help.

4. Obama's best moment was when he went right to where Romney lives. Regarding Romney's tax plan, Obama said, "Governor Romney was a very successful investor. If somebody came to you, Governor, with a plan that said, here, I want to spend $7 or $8 trillion, and then we're going to pay for it, but we can't tell you until maybe after the election how we're going to do it, you wouldn't take such a sketchy deal and neither should you, the American people," and that was the kind of pimp slap that'd make even the most hardened pimp flinch in sympathy. Everyone is talking about the Libya/"acts of terror" moment as the key. That was orgasmic in its pure evisceration of Romney, but, really, Mitt didn't recover after this smacking.

5. Romney keeps asserting that everything he says is right just because he says it's right. How can anyone take him seriously when he knows so little about how he'll pay for his tax plan? He actually said, "[I]n terms of bringing down deductions, one way of doing that would be say everybody gets -- I'll pick a number -- $25,000 of deductions and credits, and you can decide which ones to use." "I'll pick a number"? How the fuck can he get away with that? That means he doesn't know what it would have to be. That means he knows the math doesn't work. Can someone call out this motherfucker for fucking his mother? And America has to be sick of hearing about Romney as uber-great businessman. Fuck, we get it, you know how to squeeze profits for investors. He has never said anything about how that connects to running a government, other than saying that he knows how to make money. The Rude Pundit's pretty sure that that's not the goal of government. The "show him the rabbits" pathetic moment was when Romney chanted, "Government does not create jobs. Government does not create jobs," like a child having a fit on the supermarket floor. Mitt the Dick was on full display last night, and it wasn't pretty.

6. It bears saying that if Mitt Romney became a governor in 2003 and didn't know any women who could take a position in his administration, then Mitt Romney has never given a damn about women he can't fuck. And, with the "binders full of women" already much-mocked, maybe someone can also inform Romney that if you are directing people to search for women to fill jobs, that's affirmative action.

7. It also bears saying that Obama's answer that connected women's health issues with economic and family issues was beautiful. In a night of truly strong answers, it was nearly everything anyone concerned with the real lives of real women could have asked for.

8. One bit of advice for debate the third: the President has yet to talk about how Republican obstructionism has prevented many of his promises from being passed or implemented. That's why Romney kept saying that Obama didn't "file a bill" on things like immigration. Because if Romney had said that something didn't pass, then that opens the door to saying that the Republican senators are a bunch of assholes who care more about preventing an Obama victory on anything than on helping the nation.

9. At the end of the debate, the Rude Pundit didn't see the candidates shake hands. By concluding with an attack on Romney's 47% remarks, Obama pretty much went over to Cock 2 and shit on him while he was dying. The living cock doesn't need to shake hands with the dead one.


What Obama Should Say 2012, Part 2 (Rude Version):
If at tonight's town hall presidential debate on CNN, some undecided voter in the audience asks Barack Obama to explain why the economy hasn't improved quickly and he doesn't say, "Well, that's because you and many of your fellow voters were such pathetic pussies back in 2010. Let me explain this to you in simple terms since you are obviously brain-damaged or just plain dumb, or you just don't give flying fuck about things like recent history or how the government actually works.

"See, in 2010, you voters decided that you were a bunch of cowards and you either stayed home or actually helped put Republicans into the majority in the House. This was on top of the motherfuckers in the Senate GOP who decided once Scott Brown was elected in January 2010 to filibuster pretty much everything that would actually help the economy. You did that, America. You decided that you were scared of the things I had campaigned on just back in 2008. the very things you voted me in to do. You believed the convenient lies of the Republicans, of the Tea Party, of Fox 'news.' Own that shit. Own your mistakes.

"So you're gonna blame me now because I did everything I could short of offering free blow jobs to Republicans to get them to vote for things they once supported? To get them to vote for compromises they fucking negotiated? You're gonna blame me because the Senate Republicans blocked over 400 bills voted out of the House? You're gonna blame me because I won't just roll over and let the Republicans have Paul Ryan's motherfucking budget? You're gonna ask me what my jobs plan is when I sent a goddamn jobs plan to the Congress who told me to shove it up my ass? Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?

"Now you're actually considering voting for that pampered cunt over there who wants to cut taxes even more for the rich, cut Medicare, and gut programs for the poor? A liar and con artist who would have sold GM to China if it would have made Bain investors a couple of more billion dollars, fuck the workers. Someone who would look you in the eye and tell you that, sure, his idea for closing loopholes and shitcanning deductions will take care of all the tax cuts, but he can't tell you which loopholes or deductions, but they might be capped at 17, 20, or 25 thousand bucks. What the hell is that? Huh? That's not an economic plan. It's not even a good lie. It's the fuck fantasy of people who dream of pissing on the poor and calling it a shower of gold and not a golden shower.

"And that's not even getting into every lie that my opponent has told about me and my administration. Lower taxes, lower spending on government, lower number of federal employees. That's what I did. And yet that shellac-haired cocksucker dares to say government has exploded in size under me. His rich friends got government bailouts and gave themselves bonuses with it, and yet I'm the socialist because I think people should buy health insurance? Fuck, how many lies can you take?

"Yeah, now you're thinking about voting for him because he lied with authority at the last debate while I told the truth too calmly? Go fuck yourself, you simpletons.

"You wanna know why the economy is recovering as slowly as the ripped asshole of an overly enthusiastic just-out old man after an orgy? Then look in the fucking mirror, you selfish bitches. Ask yourself why you did it. Ask yourself why you are so frightened. Ask yourself what Republicans have ever done for you.

"And when you're in the voting booth, ask yourself one other question: Do you really want to vote for the guy whose company made money by doing the things that helped tank the economy? If you do, then fuck you, America. You get what you deserve" then the debate will be useless.


Photos That Give the Rude Pundit a Little Bit of Hope To Get Through the Week:

You see that? That's tens of thousands of people in the streets of Karachi, Pakistan. They are not being assholes about a dumb video. They are not protesting anything about the United States, not even our drone war. There are no burning stars and stripes, no Obama effigies.

It is a protest against the Taliban for the shooting of 14 year-old Malala Yousafazi because she was an activist for the right of girls to get an education. It is a protest that contains Muslims, Christians, and Hindus. We can say that it's pretty obviously a sign that the Pakistanis are sick of this shit and are not gonna take it anymore.

The question is who is going to take advantage of this and how. Will it be reformers who want to stop the  radical elements from taking over the nation? Will it be the majority party politicians, who see this as a distraction from protesting the U.S. and NATO (and let's be clear: we deserve the protests when it comes to the violence we have brought to that nation)? Pakistan's foreign minister offered that Malala "has put it as a black and white question. She has put it as either you are with the future that she represents or the future they [Taliban] are trying to impose."

Yes, this is a clarifying kind of moment, on many levels. Muslim clerics across the country have declared the shooting "un-Islamic" and have issued, yes, a fatwa against those responsible for it. And the protests, which started small, have only grown.

Meanwhile, Malala has been taken to the UK for medical attention. She has been on and off a ventilator, the bullet having been removed from her neck at a military hospital. There is hope, yes, however slim, for her life and the life of her nation.


Joe Biden Throws Paul Ryan Off His Lawn:
Essentially, Vice President Joe Biden's task at last night's cut-Paul-Ryan-down-to-size party was to lay some dynamite at the Romney/Ryan roadblock and blow up the pile of garbage that they kept heaping. In less metaphorical terms, Biden called "bullshit" on the GOP ticket, repeatedly. A few random observations:

1. Biden's best line: "[I]f they’d get out of the way, if they get out of the way and let us pass the tax cut for the middle class, make it permanent, if they get out of the way and pass the -- pass the jobs bill, if they'd get out of the way and let us allow 14 million people who are struggling to stay in their homes because their mortgages are upside-down, but they never missed a mortgage payment -- just get out of the way." There's your mantra to Republicans, Democrats everywhere: "Get out of the way." One of the things Biden did most successfully was to demonstrate how empty and, yes, frightening the Republican vision for the country is. By bringing up Supreme Court nominations when asked about abortion later in the debate, Biden laid bare the stark contrast in the potential futures for the nation.

2. But the orgasm-inducing moment of the night was a trap that Ryan walked into like a red-shirted ensign sent down to an alien planet on Star Trek. Ryan criticized the 2009 stimulus, as is the wont of Republicans everywhere, even though it worked really, really well, and Biden eviscerated Ryan and his entire hypocritical party when he pointed out, "[Ryan] sent me two letters saying, by the way, can you send me some stimulus money for companies here in the state of Wisconsin? We sent millions of dollars...he writes me a letter saying -- writes the Department of Energy a letter saying, the reason we need this stimulus -- it will create growth and jobs. He -- his words." Biden went at Ryan, sounding like a David Mamet character, like Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross. He may as well have glared at Ryan and said, "Fuck you. That's my name." It was the catharsis Democrats needed. If President Obama can get in a line or two like that next Tuesday, the race will be back to where it was before last week's debate.

3. Biden laughed at Ryan constantly, and it pissed a lot of people off. Fuck them. It was the laugh of an old man who has heard enough bullshit to last ten lifetimes. Biden used to argue with Jesse Helms, one of the most craven, vile bastards to ever set foot in DC. He went toe-to-toe with Bob Dole. He was locked in a death match with Orrin Hatch for years. You think that Ryan was gonna throw anything at him that he hasn't heard before? It was the laugh of someone who sees through the con and wants everyone to know that he gets the joke. Biden laughed because he wanted to degrade the lies and half-answers that Ryan gave, because he wanted to turn Ryan into a laughingstock. 

4. Do Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan understand that they are not running for Congress? When moderator Martha Raddatz asked Ryan to give specifics on loopholes or deductions they'll get rid of to pay for the big tax cut, the congressman dodged by saying, "[W]e actually want to have big bipartisan agreements." They want to present a framework to the legislative branch that Congress will fill in with walls and floors and some nice flowers on the side tables. How is that leadership? "We want to give everyone a big tax cut and pay for it by getting rid of enough deductions for the wealthy. You guys work it out." It's like telling Israel and Palestine, "Okay, we want peace. Now, do it" and just leaving the room and hoping for the best.

By the way, you know who that approach didn't work for? President Obama. Yeah, back during the health care debate, he gave a framework to Congress and told them to work out the details because he wanted a big bipartisan agreement on the basic goal. Nothing got done because Republicans didn't give a fuck about the framework or the goal. The President ended up having to present a more detailed plan.

5. No, Ryan did not suck as badly as Obama did last week, but he did lose. He was unable to defend any policy or even offer policies when it came to Afghanistan and Syria. At times, he was a babbling accusation machine with nothing to say other than canned talking points that Biden, you know, laughed at. The only reason you're seeing polls that call the debate a draw is because Democrats were honest about Obama's performance. Republicans live a delusional world, as evidenced clearly by their candidates' bizarre refusal to tell the truth about anything, and that delusion extends to judging debate performances.

6. Mostly, though, think of the debate this way: In 2008, Joe Biden, who smiled at Sarah Palin the way one does at a particularly precocious toddler, had to hold his fire for fear of seeming sexist or bullying to the then-governor. He got to unload on Ryan. And all those years in the Senate, all those years confronting presidents, all of it came to bear last night as he beat down Ryan viciously and mercilessly. Ryan is the perfect product of Republican America, someone who grew up in the Reagan era in a protected bubble, who learned at the knee of conservatives and worked for people like Sam Brownback, a man whose philosophy is a synthesis of cruel social conservatism and bastardized Ayn Rand. In other words, he is everything Joe Biden has fought against. Of course Biden was gonna cut off this puffed up punk at the knees. That Ryan asshole brought up a fatal car crash in front of the guy who lost his wife and daughter in one. Shit, when it was done, you half-expected the Vice President to brush his shoulder.

It is probably Biden's last time on the big stage. Give the bright-toothed guy his victory lap.


What Biden Should Say Tonight 2012 (Rude Version):
At tonight's debate between Vice President Joe Biden and Republican nominee Paul Ryan, if moderator Martha Raddatz asks Biden about his opinion of Paul Ryan's budget plan, and he doesn't say, "Listen, everyone, before I get to that, I want us all to take a moment and look at Paul Ryan. Just look at him for a moment. He's young, handsome, a good-looking guy, strong jaw, deep blue eyes that I'm sure made all the girls in Wisconsin just swoon. Look at him. You are literally looking at everything that's wrong with the Congress. You are looking at the problem. You are looking at the reason why we can't get a jobs bill, the reason we can't get a rational tax plan done, the reason that we can't close Guantanamo, all of it, the fact that 'compromise' is a dirty word to Republicans, it's all right there, in one package.

"So, pardon me, Martha and everyone watching and listening, if I say nice things about how he looks - hell, he's probably a good man to his family - and if I don't spend a lot of time complimenting Representative Ryan's abilities as a member of Congress. Because what you see there, behind the pretty face and the baby blues, is a man who will take everything you love and fuck it to death in front of you before burning it down. Your grandmother, your babies, your wives, your friends. Paul Ryan will line 'em up and, one by one, he'll bend 'em over and fuck them, hard, until they just give out and expire. Ryan will invite all of his Republican friends in Congress, John Boehner, Eric Cantor, that crazy cracker - Louis Gomer, Gohmert, whatever the fuck that yahoo from Texas calls himself - and he'll give 'em all shish-ka-bobs of your balls to roast on the fire he'll make out of the bodies and your house. The country's gonna burn down and Paul Ryan will simply call for more wood.

"You asked me about his budget. The one that Mitt Romney is running away from like a scared bitch from a switch? Look, you know me. I'm a good Catholic boy. I listened to my nuns all the way through school. I was told to take care of the poor. That's our responsibility. Ryan slashes everything that helps people who need help. Medicaid, food stamps, housing, it's like he's taking the bodies of those in poverty and cutting extra holes in 'em because they ones they have aren't kinky enough for him to fuck. And then he shits on their faces by cutting taxes for the rich. And then he makes them eat shit by hiking defense spending. How is that visionary? It sounds like every Republican plan ever.

"Shut the fuck up, sonny. I know everyone in your party has lined up to suck your dick like it's made of candy and shoots ice cream on their tits. But shut the fuck up and listen. You and the rest of the GOP have hurt this country by refusing to compromise on anything. That's not what makes you a statesman. It ain't your ability to slam doors. It's the ability to go down the hall and make the deal. But you're such a little pussy that even when you vote for a deal, the sequester, you deny you did it. No, Congressman. You voted to cut defense if there's no compromises on spending and taxes. Be a man. It's easy as hell to take food out of the mouths of starving children. It's really hard to tell General Dynamics that their profit margin might decline by a percent or two.

"Martha, once again I find myself on stage with someone who I wouldn't let wash my balls after I workout at the White House gym, let alone be first in line to the presidency. I've walked the walk, son. I wrote the Violence Against Women Act. I stared down Slobodan Milosevic. What the fuck have you done, junior? Come up with a new way to do the same bullshit things that Ronald Reagan and the Bushes did to fuck over the working class? Put some new makeup on the voodoo economics? Go back to school, pretty boy, and come back when you get some manners and learn your history, you child, you pathetic tool of the rich, you overhyped bullshit machine" then the debate will be useless.


The Parable of Paul Ryan and the Tanks:
So adorable little Romney sidekick, a Rafalca-in-training, if you will, Paul Ryan was talking to the good people in Lima, Ohio last month. If you've ever been to Lima, you know that it is one of those godforsaken ugly towns where one factory, a Ford engine plant, and the defense industry provide a lot of the jobs. Its only saving graces are a pretty good diner downtown and its proximity to Toledo (which is much nicer than you'd think).

Ryan told the gathered denizens of the northwest Ohio hellhole, "If we keep showing that the only thing we want to do is gut our military, that projects weakness abroad. And by projecting weakness abroad, our adversaries are so much more tempted to test us, and our allies are so much less willing to trust us." The man whose budget would slash everything in sight except defense was talking about a Lima plant where they work on Abrams tanks. The President had proposed a defense budget that stopped the manufacture and refurbishment of the tanks.

Yes, the congressman, who voted for the budget sequester told the couple of thousand people from the dull, flat landscape gathered to hear debt-reduction Jesus preach at the civic center, said, "Look, Lima, I know you understand when you have a president who has proposed again and again to shut down this tank factory — the only one we have — over a budget gimmick." Ryan continued, "We’re not going to shut down the only tank plant we have in America. We need peace through strength."

Throughout the Obama administration and, indeed, throughout this goddamned endless election cycle, you have heard the mantra from the GOP that political leaders need to listen to "the generals on the ground." Hey, here's Paul Ryan saying just that a couple of weeks before he dove into tank world in Lima: "[W]here we've taken issue is making sure that the generals on the ground get the resources they need." Mitt Romney often invokes the "commanders on the ground."

So you'd think that if, well, shit, say a general said, "We don't need anymore fucking tanks," they'd be lining up like slavering whores to service the leaders of the service men and women. 'Cause, you know, the Army Chief of Staff, General (notice the title) Raymond Odierno informed Congress that they have enough tanks and if they keep spending billions of dollars on more, they won't be able to make better, more modern murder machines. That would seem to be a "general," since his name starts with it.

173 members of Congress, though, in a rare bipartisan moment, wrote to Defense Secretary Leon Panetta on April 20 and informed him that the Army's getting the fucking tanks, like it or not. The letter writers worried that the U.S. wouldn't be able to sell enough tanks to other nations to sustain the Lima factory; that would be "inadequate to sustain the industrial base and in some cases uncertain. In light of this, modest and continued Abrams production for the Army is necessary to protect the industrial base."

Do you get this? The military is saying let's save a little money here. Congress is saying that the jobs are more important, so let's just build totally unnecessary shit just to please defense contractors. President Obama left out the money. Congress restored it. But government doesn't create jobs, as Mitt Romney said, right? And, now, Paul Ryan is using spending on some utter waste of taxpayer money, except as a jobs program for Lima, Ohio, as a cudgel to bludgeon the president. How many lies, how much hypocrisy and contempt can be heaped into one story? This is not to mention how it demonstrates just how dependent the nation is on government spending which is tax dollars getting doled out whether it's for useless tanks or bridge repair.

Are you not entertained?


Mitt Romney's Foreign Policy: "I Will Spend a Shitload of Money On Shit We Don't Need":
The Rude Pundit has read and re-read Republican candidate Mitt Romney's "Great and Grand October 8, 2012 Speech on Foreign Policy That Pretty Much Repeats His Great and Grand October 7, 2011 Speech on Foreign Policy." And the takeaway is this: Romney's plan for the United States to remain the most exceptional exception in the history of exceptionalist exceptionalism is to spend shitloads of money and pay off his defense industry cronies...and not much else, actually.

Look at what he promises, in one of the only specific statements in the entire speech: "I will restore our Navy to the size needed to fulfill our missions by building 15 ships per year, including three submarines. I will implement effective missile defenses to protect against threats." And, of course, he'll restore the very minor cuts to the military should the budget sequester go into effect, something that, you know, his running mate voted for.

So there you go: Mitt Romney will cut the fuck out of domestic spending, give tax cuts to millionaires, and raise defense spending, which, truth be told, would probably end up causing unemployment to go down because motherfuckin' submarines ain't gonna build themselves, and, fuck, that's way more important than spending money on roads and teachers and other things that'd make the country better and employ a lot of people. Oh, no, that's socialism. But giving billions of dollars to Northrup? That's just pump-priming. And if we go further into debt because of it? Why, that's Reaganesque. (How many of Bain Capital's corporations get defense contracts? Probably in the neighborhood of "many." Wonder how that inflates the Romney retirement portfolio?)

Otherwise, what the fuck did Romney say? It was a "moderate" version of the speech he gave almost a year ago to the date, just with the extra sneer at the Obama administration over the Libya consulate attack. And, man, Benjamin Netanyahu wishes he got his dick sucked half as well by actual, real Israelis. But what is Romney offering? There was no real foreign policy, other than he will be leading it. The President rains murder through robot death drones on Pakistan, Yemen, and elsewhere. And yet Romney has no problem with that part of Obama's actions.

No, all that Romney seems to say is that other countries think they can walk all over Obama and they won't be able to walk all over him. And one supposes we should believe that because...Romney was an asshole when he ran the Olympics? Yes, arguing with the Romanian ice dancing coach is just like negotiating a trade agreement with China.

It's the same as everything else. Empty words and the promise that he will talk to people. On Afghanistan, he says, "I will evaluate conditions on the ground and weigh the best advice of our military commanders." That's the same approach to naming tax loopholes and deductions he'd get rid of. He'll won't tell you an actual plan. He'll tell you who he'll talk to about it.

(By the way, if the Rude Pundit were a citizen of any other country, he'd be fucking chilled to the bones to hear a major party candidate in the U.S. say, "[I]t is the responsibility of our President to use America’s great power to shape history." Oh, fuck, are we gonna do another preemptive war? Who now? Syria? Mexico? Christ al-fucking-mighty.)
Late Post Today:
The Rude Pundit is still trying to figure out if Mitt Romney actually said anything in all those words he spoke yesterday.

Back later with more missiles of rudeness.


Columbus Day for the Conquered: Guess Which Candidate Gives a Damn About Indian Country?:
When you search for "Native American" on Mitt Romney's campaign website, you get exactly nothing. If you search "Indian," you get a few hits, but only in reference to the Indian Affairs Committee one Romney-supporting member of Congress or other is on.

When you search for "Native American" on President Barack Obama's campaign website, you get an entire section for Native Americans for Obama. It even lists Obama's accomplishments for Native Americans, including direct assistance to Indian Country through $3 billion from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 or, you know, the stimulus. That renovated schools, roads, and health facilities, all of which brought jobs to tribal areas. This is not to mention things like the Indian Health Care Improvement Act, which was made permanent by Obamacare.

In other words, to put it succinctly on this Columbus Day 2012, where we must acknowledge the conquered in the wake of the Europeans' arrival on these shores, Barack Obama gives a shit about Indians. For Mitt Romney, they are merely part of the 47% he has written off.

In fact, Obama gave an interview last week to Indian Country Today Media Network. As they put it, "[I]t is believed to be the first time a sitting president of the United States has conducted such an interview with Native media." It's a wide-ranging interview that covers everything from tribal lands to the Keystone XL pipeline to the Violence Against Women Act. Respect, you know? In fact, there are more than a few lines in there Obama could have used in the debate, like, "Romney refuses to stand up to the Republicans in Congress who blocked these crucial improvements to the Violence Against Women Act."

After the debate in Denver, one Native American offered, "I kept waiting for Romney to say something meaningful to me. He just talked about taxes, taxes, taxes, and that’s not really my biggest concern. I can’t see him connecting in Indian country." Brigham Young would probably approve.


Photos That Take the Rude Pundit to His Happy Place:
Yes, yes, the jobs report is positive news. Yes, yes, Mitt Romney is still a lying shit sack. Yes, yes, the right is gleefully, pathetically mocking Obama supporters. Yes, yes, not much has changed about the election. But, still, all in all, it's been a frustrating week, as the Rude Pundit detailed on last night's episode of Cheater and the Rude, where he indicated that punching a panda would make him feel better:

Instead of dwelling on all of this before the long weekend, the Rude Pundit wants to go to a happy place. Usually that means ecstasy, whiskey, and clamps gently placed on nipples of various shapes, sizes, and genders to the delighted squeals of the clampee.

Today, though, his happy place is India, where hundreds of kids dressed up like Gandhi. No, really:

Yep, that was for Mahatma Gandhi's 143rd birthday on Tuesday. He once said, "Strictly speaking, all amassing or hoarding of wealth above and beyond one's legitimate requirements is theft. There would be no occasion for theft, and therefore no thieves, if there were wise regulations of wealth and absolute social justice."

He'd probably throw up endlessly over debates about the middle class and whether or not the rich can pay 4% more in taxes of their income above a quarter million.

But he'd probably find the kids adorable.


Random Observations on Last Night's Presidential Debate:
1. If Republican Mitt Romney had an actual plan that he could describe without lying about it, last night would have been a game-changer. Since he doesn't, well, he put on a good show. Romney was aggressive, only occasionally crossing that line into belligerent dickishness, and he sounded confident in the bullshit that he was heaving over towards the President. That's why everywhere you are seeing that he won. Because, in the shallow terms of how these nonsensical debates (where, truly, most people must have tuned out about twenty minutes in, thinking, "Okay, fuck, we get it, one of you wants to raise taxes on rich people, one of you doesn't, move the fuck on"), Romney was in command.

So if you're a Romney supporter (or, more accurately, an Obama hater), you were pretty much in heaven last night because you knew that there was a chance that, had Obama been spoiling for a fight, Romney was going down in flames. Instead, you got milquetoast professor-at-a-colloquium Obama, and that never wins against imbecilic arrogance. The media's squealing with glee over this at least appearing to be a close race again. So congrats, conservatives. You live to fight another day.

1a. Of course, Romney was repeatedly stretching, breaking, or reaming the truth. Of course, Romney's plan does cut taxes by $5 trillion, to be paid for by these mythical loopholes, sure, but it does cut the taxes. Of course, there is a tax break for companies who send jobs overseas (about which Romney said, "I have no idea what you're talking about. I maybe need to get a new accountant, heh-heh"). Of course, the Obamacare board will not tell patients what treatments they can have. In other words, of course, Mitt Romney said nothing but lies and vague promises and vastly different positions. Seriously, have any conservatives said they're concerned that Romney said, "I won't put in place a tax cut that adds to the deficit"? Because that pretty clearly says that if he can't find the $480 billion a year to pay for the tax cut, he won't do it, and it's pretty clearly the opposite of what his campaign has been saying.

1b. Obama brought up not lowering taxes on the very wealthy people and companies who are considered small businesses, 3% of the total, by Romney. Romney retorted, "Those businesses that are in the last 3 percent of businesses happen to employ half -- half of all the people who work in small business. Those are the businesses that employ one-quarter of all the workers in America." Umm, shouldn't we be discussing that Mitt Romney considers businesses that have thousands of employees "small"?

2. The Rude Pundit is not going to give into the temptation, a deep, deep temptation, to become Captain Hindsight here. What Obama could have said is of no matter. He didn't say it, no matter how loud any of us yelled it at the TV screen, to support green energy, to go after Romney on education, to say that Paul....See? Too tempting. Obama fucked it up. Hard. Generously, you could say that he had just had to deal with the fact that Turkey was retaliating against Syria for lobbing a mortar shell across the border. Or that Michelle probably shouldn't have given him that anniversary blow-job in the green room just before the debate started. So he was distracted or his energy was sapped. He lost on style, he lost on his ability to actually get his points across. It was head-slappingly embarrassing when he tried to echo Bill Clinton's "arithmetic" line. However, if you were scoring based on things like, you know, "facts" and "truth," he won. But Joe Biden should rescind his 2007 remark that Obama is "articulate."

3. Obama did, towards the middle and end, finally get in some good points, about the emptiness of Romney's proposals, about how Obamacare is based on Romney care. But he always said them in a convoluted way. Here's how he described Romney's health care proposal that says only people who had insurance can get their preexisting conditions covered in a new policy:

"But let's go back to what Governor Romney indicated, that under his plan, he would be able to cover people with preexisting conditions. Well, actually Governor, that isn't what your plan does. What your plan does is to duplicate what's already the law, which says if you are out of health insurance for three months, then you can end up getting continuous coverage and an insurance company can't deny you if you've -- if it's been under 90 days."

What the fuck? It's like he went in for an undercut and his hand turned to jello. It's like he decided that he was being too much a Democrat and backed down so as not to offend the chimeras of moderation.

4. This ain't an excuse for Obama's shitty performance, but Jim Lehrer has no business moderating a presidential debate. He repeatedly interrupted the President. He had virtually no control over Romney, who ran Lehrer and his walker over repeatedly in the crosswalk. To give one example, Lehrer said, "Governor Romney, do you have a question that you'd like to ask the president directly about something he just said?" Then he let Romney go on for several minutes and finish without interruption and without Romney ever asking a fucking question. That's not moderating. That's just being an old lump who's wondering if his hotel room will be too cold.

5a. According to Mitt Romney, his children are lying sons of a bitch.

5b. Mitt Romney likes coal. Mitt Romney likes Big Bird. He will give money to help coal. He will take money away from Big Bird. Mitt Romney's affection is meaningless.

5c. Which is probably why his terrible sons are such liars.

6. Obama may have done more to depress voter turnout than all the i.d. laws combined. No, it probably didn't change a lot of minds on who we support. But it sure as shit wasn't inspiring. We like our candidates to be willing to show off their moves. Someone needs to get all Mickey Goldmill on Obama's ass. Romney repeatedly called President Obama a liar without being called on it. That's demoralizing shit, right there. Dude, you have facts on your side. Use them with clarity and conciseness. Fight, motherfucker. Get off the ropes and get your footing and punch back. Or the country's going down for the count.


What Obama Should Say, 2012 (Rude Version):
If at tonight's presidential debate in Denver, when moderator Jim Lehrer asks Mitt Romney how the Massachusetts health care law is different from the Affordable Care Act and Romney responds that states should be free to do what they want, yadda, yadda, yadda, if President Obama doesn't respond, "So lemme get this straight, Governor: you think that it's just fine to force the people of the state you led for four years to have health insurance or make them pay a penalty, but fuck every other person in every other state in the country? Hell, if Karl Rove force-fisted ad agency whores to put out commercials for our side, you'd see millions of dollars worth of bullshit out there saying that 'Mitt Romney only wants northeastern liberals to be able to afford cancer treatment' or some such shit.

"I want to say this to you, Jim and to all Americans: Mitt Romney is the biggest pussy in the world. He is a pussy of such incredible proportions that it'd take a dildo the size of the Hancock Tower to fuck him. Look at what this craven, greedy motherfucker says about health care: he's proud of it, but other it's mighty fine if other states just let people die or go to emergency rooms because otherwise we may as well all be fucking our own asses with Karl Marx's femur. What about that is in any way presidential? You can't even say, 'Hey, I've got this great idea to get people health insurance.' Fuck, that's gotta sting. I don't know shit about Mormons, but the number of lies you've had to tell to get this far in your crazy-ass party has gotta be gettin' your soul all prepped for some fiery doom, man. Or maybe you just give more cash to get out of it.

"Governor, you won the primaries for two reasons: Because you have more money than the rest of your opponents combined and because you are the bottom bitch of the GOP. And you are damn happy being the bottom bitch. I can hear you saying, 'What's that? Sheldon Adelson wants to jizz on my face and call it kosher? Sure, Shel, and I'll call your ass "The Wailing Wall" and press my face against it and pray. What's that? A crazed evangelical is angry that I gave a job to a gay guy? Then I'll fire that gay dude and call Bryan Fischer "Sir" while he paddles my balls with his bible.' Goddamn, you mustn't be hungry after all the right-wing chowder you've gobbled.

"Even worse, though, is when you talk about the things you supposedly believe in, like whenever anyone asks you about what tax loopholes you'll close. Answer the question, motherfucker. You brought up the loophole-filling hoodoo voodoo, so what's the program, Guvs? You can't answer it because you know you'll have to say something that'll make all those toothless racists think, 'Whoa, whoa, you're taking away my mortgage deduction?' Don't worry, though. Your base would rather go bankrupt than vote for the black man. But, really, it's a problem when I give a speech that says racist shit goes on.

"How do you look in the mirror and not just want to punch yourself for being such a dick? You've run for president ever since you bitched out on going for reelection in Massachusetts, but your campaign keeps saying that they're introducing you to Americans. Dude, we've met you. We've met people like you our entire lives. You're the entitled cocksuckers who decided that they are going to make more money no matter how many people get crushed along the way. And if someone happens to get helped, well, that's just a collateral, not intended, benefit. You can say what you said about half the country because that was you actually being generous about the amount of people you do give a fuck about. We know who you are. We don't like you.

"Lemme tell you what I've faced, motherfucker. I've faced people asking me to prove I was born in America. I've faced Republican cunts just throwing themselves in the way to block every road I've tried to build, including ones they helped construct. And, still, I lowered taxes, got a health care law passed, got rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell, and got more regulation for equal pay for women. What do you have to offer besides the dried skidmarks you are picking off George W. Bush's briefs?

"But, please, Governor Romney, hit me with a zinger.

"Oh, and by the way, I fucked Paul Ryan's white ass with a rolled up copy of his budget in front of his friends" then the debate will be worthless.


Fifty Shades of West:
(Based on Rep. Allen West's 2003 letter to his wife making sexual and fashion demands. Almost all below taken from West's own words or from a certain spanking-filled trilogy of books.)

"Dear Angela, my loving wife,

"Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all? All of these women that have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness. We are not going to have our men become subservient.

"I'm a sadist. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore - my birth mother. I have been called Uncle Tom, a sell-out Oreo. I’m here as the modern-day Harriet Tubman to kind of lead people on the Underground Railroad, away from that plantation into a sense of sensibility. Now, I’m going to fuck you till you scream.

"You have proven repeatedly that you are not a lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me. I don’t care if you hit or miss, baby. I just want to see you partially dressed, stretched out on the billiard table.

"Do you want me to spank you? I’m talking about the heavy shit, Angela. You should see what I can do with a cane or a cat. I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass. But we’ll wait for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into. Your ass will need training. Oh yes. It’ll need careful preparation. I'm a man of my word. I'm going to spank you and then I'm going to fuck you very quick and very hard.

"From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations. I like the feel of this fabric on you. You should always be in satin or silk. I want to see your face while I spank you.

"You have such beautiful breasts. One day I’ll fuck them. You have such a fuckable mouth. Suck me, baby. I'd like to bite that lip. Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?

"I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.I would find you. I can track your cell phone–remember. This is it. I’m going to count to five again, and if you don’t give me what I want, I’m going to kill you. I don't make love, I fuck hard. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction, I will reward you. If you don't, I shall punish you and you will learn.

"I’m fifty shades of fucked up."

(Note: This could have been much longer, but the Rude Pundit couldn't stand reading either of these people anymore.)


Paul Ryan Is a Little Bitch:
So yesterday, Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan appeared on Fox "news" Sunday with Mike Wallace's gallstone named Chris. Ryan was there because his role at this point in the election cycle is to be a little bitch. Not a manwhore, but a little, yappy bitch dog, Mitt Romney's papillon, ready to leap into his master's lap and just yelp little bitchy barks at whoever dares to move close to them.

Wallace pressed Ryan about the seeming lack of difference between Romney and President Barack Obama when it comes to dealing with Iran. Ryan yipped like a fox terrier that got into the meth stash, "Look, first, let's go to Iran. That's probably the most important. That's the biggest threat we have today. The difference is credibility. The president's Iran policy lacks credibility." See, according to Ryan,  Iran does whatever it wants because, in essence, they don't believe Obama will bomb them: "When he puts the military option on the table, he does it in a way that doesn't have credibility."

But Mitt Romney, oh, that fucker has credibility because he's Mitt Romney and he will not neglect Bibi's balls: "So what Mitt Romney and I have said is a nuclear weapons capability is what we have to stop. Now we have to speak with credibility. That means a Romney/Ryan administration will be one of credibility where we don't establish daylight between our allies, especially Israel. Where, when we say what we are going to do, it is believed. That is the issue here. The ayatollahs, by virtue of the conduct, don't believe the president when he says his interest is to stop Iran from gaining nuclear weapons."

That's what Romney is running on: that somehow, simply because he's not Obama, the Congress and the world will bow down to him and he will make it all good. What terrible Mormon rituals involving virgin blood and the tanned skin of Brigham Young must Romney have taken part in to think that he has anything that approaches "credibility" when dealing with other world leaders?

And then, on the fantasy tax plan Romney/Ryan has, where you cut taxes and get rid of super-secret loopholes, Wallace asked Ryan about what part of that magical equation is most important. In a telling answer that hasn't been discussed as much as Ryan saying that he didn't have time to explain anything real about the plan, the Cheesehead poodle said, before frantically licking his anus, "Keeping tax rates down. By lowering tax rates, people keep more of the next dollar that they earn. That matters. That is incentives. That's pro-growth policy." No, actually it's the same fucking policy as George W. Bush.

Finally, about the media, Ryan said, "[A]s a conservative, I've long believed and long felt that there is inherit media bias." He then immediately undermined his honest opinion by adding, "And I think anybody with objectivity would believe that that's the case." Umm, didn't you just say that you believe it because you're conservative and not objective?

But Ryan is a little bitch and not a man, so he wouldn't know any better.