Conservatives Hate the Fucking:
Now that it seems that the whole idea of a moon station/Mars mission is about as popular as Scott Peterson visiting a lactation support group, Bush has decided that what will really shore up his support is to be angry about the fucking. See, he knows that his "base," all those religious fundamentalist nuts, homophobes, and acne-scarred prayer group members who can't get dates, want to hear about the fucking. They can't stand the fucking. The act of fucking - too sticky, too likely to cry the Lord's name in vain ("Goddamn, those are nice titties" or "Jesus Christ, I just got fucked so hard I thought you were nailing me to a cross" being the obvious examples), too much pleasure on your knees that doesn't involve praying - just makes the right all sick with repressed pleasure and they need to show their repression by trying to stop the fucking.

It's just so obvious. First, there's the $1.5 billion to "promote" marriage. See, this money would be used for making poor people sit in a room and listen to scolds tell them, "Stop the fucking. Unless you're married. Then fuck away. Otherwise, stop the fucking." Oh, sure, they'll say things about love, commitment, taking care of the kids, working out fights without beating the shit out of each other, but mostly the whole $1.5 billion exists to stop the fucking. Somewhere in East St. Louis, a grateful child sits in a school room with a leaky roof, textbooks from 1977, and no toilet paper in the restrooms; that child is so happy the president of the United States is working to stop the fucking.

Of course, that child will get fine training on her own in not fucking. Because Bush mentioned in the State of the Union farce that he wants more abstinence programs: "We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases," said the wet dream killer-in-chief. And armed with boss t-shirts like these, how can abstinence programs fail? And with federal funding doubled, who cares if abstinence doesn't work? There's money enough for non-sectarian groups selling abstinence at a fine profit margin. And some of the money will go to faith-based groups (or, more accurately, "churches") who can come into schools and say, "Don't have sex 'cause Jesus Loves You and the fucking makes Jesus weep."

And God hates fags, too, apparently. Well, fags in couples. Because even though he backs a "constitutional process" to overcome the fagloving "activist judges" (shorthand for "a judge who did something I didn't like"), as he said in the State of the Union threat, he added, queerly, "We respect individuals" and that God sees that all individuals have worth. Of course, this pissed off some on the right, who want instant concentrations camps and lamps made of fag skin. The batshit insane Family Research Council declared they were "disappointed" with the quite gay-bashing the President engaged in (their president is Tony Perkins, like the guy in Psycho - either way, you wouldn't want them around when you're showering, although he's kind of cute . . .). But what this is really about, of course, is the fucking. Ohio has moved to say they hate the gay fucking. Cocks in male asses and mouths, female mouths filled with clit, fingers god knows where, it's all icky and non-reproductive, and, motherfuckers, we'll write it into the Constitution - forget Alexander Hamilton and James Buchanan - America doesn't want your tired, poor, huddled fags.

So, all that's left is to come up with ways to punish people for the fucking. Denying civil rights for one type of fucking is one way. But what about all those straight people who love the fucking soooo much and haven't paid attention to their faith-based, federally-funded abstinence programs and haven't gotten into the billion-dollar marriage counseling classes? What if, say, they love the fucking but have no access to contraception beyond Saran Wrap because so much money has been spent trying to get them to stop the fucking? What if they get pregnant? Hey, the President and Congress have said: "Kiss our sanctimonious asses, baby-killers." And today, all the sanctimonious asses are out in force as they protest Roe v. Wade on its anniversary. "Oh, man," they say, "just wait until Bush gets re-elected, and, joy of joy, abortion will be criminalized and we'll throw women who fuck in jail or leave them in alleys to bleed to death." They really wanna stop the fucking.

Domestic policy under Bush? Fuck and you get fucked.