President Bush Says, "Bow Down to Our Corporate Overlords":
Yesterday, speaking to a group of attorneys general, the President of the United States said that the Executive Branch colluded with major corporations to violate your privacy, and you should be happy about it, you ungrateful motherfuckers: "To defend the country, we need to be able to monitor communications of terrorists quickly and be able to do it effectively. And we can't do it without the cooperation of private companies. Unfortunately, some of the private companies have been sued for billions of dollars because they are believed to have helped defend America after the attacks on 9/11. Now the question is, should these lawsuits be allowed to proceed, or should any company that may have helped save American lives be thanked for performing a patriotic service; should those who stepped forward to say we're going to help defend America have to go to the courthouse to defend themselves, or should the Congress and the President say thank you for doing your patriotic duty? I believe we ought to say thank you."

You got that? AT&T let the NSA listen to your phone calls and read your e-mail, and you should say, "Oh, christ, AT&T, Verizon, and BellSouth, I'm so fuckin' grateful you let George W. Bush's administration have access to my private communication. I feel so much fuckin' safer that it was done without any warrant or even an attempt to retroactively get a warrant and that, in essence, you allowed the government to treat me as a criminal in what any sane Supreme Court would call a violation of at least three or four articles and amendments. And, even more, I'm fuckin' beside myself with glee that, violating your own fuckin' policies, you will never tell me that George W. Bush has been readin' my e-mail to my Laotian transsexual lover who just wants some of my money to complete her operation. Thanks, telecoms, thanks so fuckin' much." And then, when the CEOs of these megacorporations stand before you, you should kneel down and bathe the waxy folds of their balls with your tongue.

But, see, according to the President, it's all cool because he told them the telecoms that it was cool: "These lawsuits are really unfair, if you think about it. If any of the companies believed to have helped us -- I'm just going to tell you, they were told it was legal by the government. And they were told it was necessary by the government. And here they are getting sued. It would be dangerous -- the reason -- the danger in all this is that because the private companies are fearful of lawsuits or being besieged by lawsuits, they would be less willing to help in the future. If your government has said this is legal, and we want your help, and then all of a sudden they get sued for billions of dollars, you can imagine how hesitant they'll be with future requests."

So, let's see. Apparently, it all went down something like this: The NSA goes to Verizon and says, "Hey, motherfuckers, we gots to catch us some motherfuckin' terrorists, so we're gonna need you to let us jack into your streams, man, your motherfuckin' satellites and fiber-optic shit so's we can get our spy on."

And Verizon says something like, "Oh, shit, man, what the fuck? You can't just fuckin' listen to everyone's cell phone calls. You fucked in the heads? Get a fuckin' warrant."

And the NSA says, "Warrants? That's old school shit, man. What, do you hate America, bitch? Don't worry - we gots lawyers and dudes at colleges sayin' shit's cool. Chill the fuck out. And here's the fuckin' deal, bitches: you don't roll over and show us your asses, your bottom line's gonna get a whole lot lower, know what we're sayin'?"

And Verizon, shittin' blood because profit's way more important than abiding by their policies and, well, fuck, the law, says, "Shit, Bush says it's cool?"

And NSA says, "It's cool, bitch. Give us this shit."

And Verizon says, "Well, fuck, okay, but if this shit leaks out, some motherfuckers better get us some civil suit immunity."

And NSA says, "It's covered, motherfuckers. What, you think the Congress ain't gonna protect your ass after all the green you spread up there?"

And Verizon says, "Jack in, motherfuckers."

Or something like that.

So, now, with the House of Representatives about to roll over, corporate America will be safe to lie to the faces of their customers about all those rules they come up with about how much they give a happy monkey fuck about our privacy. First telecoms and your phone calls, next A&P bonus club card purchases, because, surely, there's a terrorist diet that can be tracked by getting into your shopping baskets.

And the government will be standing there, offering sincere thanks to the companies for ensuring that the our freedom is protected by taking away our right to be left the fuck alone.