Flyers That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Down Cough Syrup With Virgin Strawberry Daiquiris:
That's right, you crazy college kids that'll be attending the Washington Briefing '07: Value Voters Summit, sponsored by the Family Research Council and a panoply of nutzoid right-wing organizations. Not only can you listen to your mighty heroes of mighty mightiness, like adulterer Newt Gingrich and convicted felon Chuck Colson, not only can you get your head filled with speeches from presidential candidates like Rudy Giuliani on how he shares your values, despite banging his mistress while living with a gay couple, and the walking corpse of Fred Thompson (for, truly, the Republican candidates range from demigorgon creepy to "Please make him stop fondling my baby's penis" skeevy), but you can get your late-night groove on at the conference.
Check it out, homeboys and homegirls (and by that, the Rude Pundit means "home-schooled"). The paw-tay starts at 9:30 p.m. at the D.C. Hilton's Jefferson Room, where, no doubt, nubile black women will be provided for your pleasure. And, man, the shizz-nit's gonna go down hard with your host, columnist Kevin McCullough - he has a radio show - on the radio, where he makes sure his listeners know that al-Qaeda is bad, liberals are worser, and Fred Thompson is "attractive."
The entertainment's gonna be all crazy, yo, with Ben Stein, yeah, yeah, kickin' out the jams. No, no, don't ask him about being an apologist for Richard Nixon or his new movie on how creationists are sooo right - just get 'im to say, "Bueller" over and over. He fuckin' loves that shit. For the ladies (and, admit it, some of the men), there's Christian recording dreamboat Ronnie Freeman. Get all wet and sticky thinkin' you can change his heart just a little when he sings, "The only thing that's good in me is Jesus/ The only thing that's good in me is Jesus/ I know me well enough to know/ No matter what this life may show/ The only thing that's good in me is Jesus." Maybe at the end of the evening, you can say the only thing that was good in you was Freeman.
All that and FRC President Tony Perkins and his hair, along with promises that representatives from other groups and, get this, "suprise guests" will be there. Cross your fingers, boys, that it's Laura Ingraham, ready to please your jerk-off fantasies of abstinence-friendly titty-fucking her (shhh, let's not tell them).
Yep, the Late Night Reception for Students who love them some values as long as those values involve Jesus is gonna be the party of the year. Or at least of that weekend in the Jefferson Room of the DC Hilton at 9:30 at Friday night. Until 11.
We members of the FRC Super-Duper Prayer Team have even been told how to pray for the students attending the Value Voters Summit: "Pray that God will be mightily with these groups as they meet. May he raise up young leaders who, like King David, will be taken from faithfully tending sheep to lead our nation in righteousness. May God anoint faithful young leaders to win a generation for Him, and help our entire nation turn back to God." And, unlike King David, let's hope the young leaders don't have men killed after banging their wives.