Why Andy Rooney Should Sodomize Bill O'Reilly With a Microphone (A Variation on the "Sodomize Bill O'Reilly" Series):
Don't fuck with Andy Rooney. Tough old cranky sonuvabitch, that guy. Was in WWII, has fucked up the shit of more presidents than most Americans can name, stayed on through accusations of racism, sexism, whatever. Just like with Helen Thomas, you do not fuck with Andy Rooney 'cause he will fuck you right back. The Rude Pundit has heard tales, of the Japanese scalps Rooney keeps in a lockbox in his office to show underlings whenever someone crosses him. He has heard of the time that Rooney beat the shit out of Chet Huntley in a barroom brawl that spilled onto the streets of Manhattan over whether or not Ike was a pussy as President. Oh, how Huntley learned his lesson: don't mess with the brass balls of Rooney. Goddamn, the history, the history of Andy Rooney's balls. How he roughly fucked Barbara Walters in the backroom of an ABC exec's office while Harry Reasoner, sobbing, masturbated furtively in the corner. How, when Mike Wallace tried to get him booted from 60 Minutes, Rooney took him into the CBS mail room and yanked down his pants and beat Wallace's ass red with a belt in front of all the interns. Wallace has never recovered and still insists on being photoshopped into the yearly 60 Minutes publicity shot.

So, really, and, c'mon, what chance does Bill O'Reilly have?

Last week, on 60 Minutes, Rooney took on Pat Robertson and Mel Gibson for claiming that God has spoken to both of them. To Gibson, Rooney posed this question: "How many million dollars does it look as if you're going to make off the crucifixion of Christ?" (The answer, we now know, is "a fuck of a lot.") Bill O'Reilly, seeing a chance to beat up an old man, offered Rooney to come on his Fox "news" show to defend his position. O'Reilly had conducted a scrotum-licking interview with Gibson, who, O'Reilly acknowledges, has optioned O'Reilly's "novel." Rooney declined; instead, Rooney offered for both of them to go on Larry King Live, which O'Reilly, like a good bully, declined. So O'Reilly is left to denigrate Rooney, in his "Talking Points" from Feb. 27. O'Reilly sees Rooney as part of a liberal media conspiracy to destroy Mel Gibson; he played clips of Rooney on Don Imus's radio show where, to Rooney's credit, he didn't just call O'Reilly "the worst interviewer there is;" Rooney was also self-effacing, saying, "I don't want to go on there and get killed." But O'Reilly is a simpering fuck, smirking and pandering to his "audience," mocking old men and demanding their presence in his court. Christ, on billoreilly.com, O'Reilly's poll is a "Yes" or "No" to whether Andy Rooney should retire. Why? Is Rooney too old? Or too unafraid of one-note propagandists masking as "journalists"?

But O'Reilly better watch his back. Rooney, old though he may be, is not a man to be fucked with. The Rude Pundit hears he's lubing up a particularly large microphone for rough insertion into O'Reilly's rectum. You can bet Rooney won't stop jamming it up there until O'Reilly says, "I'm your bitch, Andy, please keep fucking me with that diaphragm mike." Oh, like so many before him, O'Reilly will learn, he will learn his lessons, he will learn his place, on his knees before Rooney.