Regarding the Men in the White House as Midgets:
Midget porn exists for several reason. The most obvious is so frat guys can laugh at the funny fucking midgets (or "little people," although that takes too fuckin' long to type and it's an absolutely idiotic name since "Little People" are Fisher-Price toys, so here it's "midgets"). Or midget. See, your midget porn comes in various varieties. There's the hot midget on midget action, which you can get in straight male on female midget sex, and gay male or female midget fucking. There's also the mixed midget/regular-sized person sex. Where a midget woman is getting roundly fucked by one, two, seven non-midget men (insert your own gender variations here). Yep, should you choose to, or not, since the Rude Pundit's been to parties where midget porn is played on giant plasma screen TVs, where the host thinks it's funny because it's ironic, when the truth is, he's just an asshole, you can see midgets in every position possible.

But another reason for the existence of midget porn is that, like other kinds of porn, there are people, midgets and non-midgets, who get off on it. But why? And let's confine our discussion to male viewers since, from an unofficial poll of three stoned chicks and one drunk dude, midget porn is similar to the Three Stooges in the minds of women: why the fuck would you watch that?

Oh, there's no way to calculate the workings of the male heart or genitals. Still, it's pretty clear that one reason non-midget guys watch midget porn is an issue of relativity. In other words, a little cock on a regular guy looks much bigger when it's jammed between midget tits or sucked by a midget mouth. Hell, think about it: a couple of half-hard inches looks like Big Dick McGee in a midget hand. And then, ah, sweet masturbatory bliss, how wonderful to contemplate a lack of personal shortcomings when you're coming in a short person.

So it was that both George Bush and Dick Cheney took the opportunity while speaking this past weekend to attack Democrats in Congress. And hearing them was like seeing guys watch midget porn to pump up how they feel about themselves. You ever watched someone watching porn? The little twitches and nods and sneers, maybe even a muttering of "Yeah" while touching themselves. It's fuckin' creepy. Now make it midget porn. So here's Dick Cheney, speaking to Jews, on Saturday: "When members of Congress pursue an anti-war strategy that's been called 'slow bleed,' they're not supporting the troops, they're undermining them. And when members of Congress speak not of victory but of time limits, deadlines, or other arbitrary measures, they're telling the enemy simply to run out the clock and wait us out." It was the virtually the same speech he gave at CPAC a couple of weeks ago, which was when Dick Cheney was gratifyingly surrounded by midgets he could fuck.

And here's the President in his weekly radio address (which, truly, does anyone but shut-ins with broken radios listen to?), with Bush talking about members of Congress wanting to investigate the firing of the eight U.S. attorneys: "Members of Congress now face a choice: whether they will waste time and provoke an unnecessary confrontation, or whether they will join us in working to do the people's business." Bush also tried to call out the Congress on war-funding, sounding more pathetic than ever: "[A] narrow majority in the House of Representatives decided yesterday to make a political statement." Man, now that's the sound of a man who wants midgets brought to him on a silver platter for his coital pleasures.

The problem, of course, as with any sexual perspective skewed by porn, is that they're not fucking midgets. They gotta fuck regular-sized people, who'll show them just how small their dicks actually are. And you gotta fuck with the dick you have, not the dick you wish you had.