What Obama Should Say (Rude Version):
If at tonight's debate, Jim Lehrer asks Barack Obama, "How do you answer your critics who say you lack the experience necessary to be President?" and the Democratic candidate doesn't say, "Experience? Are you fucking kidding me, Jim? Let's get that out of the way real quick. The Crypt Keeper over there chose as a running mate a fucking idiot who couldn't find Pakistan on a map even if it had a giant cock-shaped neon arrow pointing at it saying, 'It's here, bitch.' A fucking moose-slaughtering tool who thinks that Russia gives a happy monkey fuck about Alaska. So let's just shove that thought aside. And as for experience, that dead Eisenhower-looking motherfucker's been around DC for three decades, and his party had no holds barred power for six of the last eight. Where did that get us? No, no, fuck that.
"Now lemme say somethin' here directly to Johnny Maverick. Your America failed. Your version of this country, where we go and fight bullshit wars and where rich people are gonna be all generous with their money and where businesses will take care of themselves, that shit failed. It's done, Johnny Maverick. And this fuckin' wreckage is owned by the Republican president and the Republican Congress, and that includes you, motherfucker. You still stink of this shit, and no matter how hard you try to run, those gimpy little legs can't get you far enough away so that you don't smell like Uncle Sam just took a dump on you. You own this. You think you can just put it aside like some out-of-wedlock baby and wait for the DNA test to make you pay child support? No, motherfucker. You broke it, you bought it, you gotta carry it around with you. Every time you got down on those broken knees in front of George W. Bush and was first in line to take his dick in your mouth, you owned another piece of it, and now that he's come, you wanna spit? Fuck you. Swallow that shit, bitch.
"Goddamn, it must suck to be you right now. I mean, look around you, Johnny Maverick. Look at what the fuck is happening. People are losing their houses, businesses are gonna shutter up, jobs are disappearing, Afghanistan is falling apart, Iraq's only being held together by duct tape and the American military, Pakistan is fuckin' shooting at our soldiers, and China's just waitin', man, waitin' to step up and say, 'Hey, Russia, wanna dance on the grave of the United States?' And why is this happening? Because of every fucking thing that you believe in, Johnny Maverick. Aw, shit. That's gotta hurt.
"So many fuckin' things that you were wrong about in your life, from asking to go into combat in Vietnam to wanting to play with the big boys by getting involved with Charles Keating to being Mr. Deregulation and Monsieur Laissez-Faire to jumping on the Bush train when it was speeding into Iraq to letting your campaign become just an extension of everything you once claimed you hated. It's all been wrong. The sum total of your vast experience is to demonstrate what not to do. The nation's gonna crumble, motherfucker, and all you have to offer is how many dicks you're gonna suck because you think you're the one to get us out of the mess you made. It's like a rapist asking the woman whose apartment he broke into and beat to near unconsciousness before fucking her in the ass if he can pick up some milk for her at the corner grocery.
"But you keep suckin' away, Johnny Maverick, showin' all that shiny fuckin' experience, as you take 'em all, the cock of the evangelical right, the cock of Karl Rove, the cocks of lobbyists lined up around the block. Yeah, no wonder your cheeks are so goddamn stretched out, from trying to fit two or three in there at the same time. Oh, I'm sorry, Jim, did I offend a war hero? Was I too uppity? Kiss my black ass," then the debate will be useless.