Ten Other Ways John McCain Is Like Jesus (Christ, That Is):
Georgia GOP chair Sue Everhart said, in reference to a certain ex-POW candidate's never turning on the United States while in captivity, "John McCain is kind of like Jesus Christ on the cross...He never denounced God, either." Of course, the whole "My God, why have you forsaken me" thing that Jesus says is not a renunciation, but it's a pretty powerful "What the fuck, dad?" In explanation of her comparison between Christ and McCain, Everhart offered, "I'm not trying to compare John McCain to Jesus Christ," which would be true if she hadn't just compared John McCain to Jesus Christ. Everhart should have just embraced her analogy because, truly, she's overlooking the many ways that the Republican senator is like the Christian human sacrifice:
1. Jesus Christ was born in a manger surrounded by livestock and wandering kings. John McCain was born the son of a navy officer with medical benefits that would last his entire life.
2. Jesus Christ walked on water to hook up with the disciples in a boat. John McCain has made close friends with many members of the media who go on the campaign trail with him.
3. Jesus Christ told fishermen to cast their nets into the water, and they ended up catching over 150 fish. John McCain had workers build a lake in his backyard so he could fish in private.
4. Jesus Christ believed that the meek shall inherit the earth and that it's easier to squeeze a camel through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to get into heaven. John McCain wants tax cuts for wealthy Americans to be made permanent.
5. Jesus Christ wandered in the desert for forty days and nights. John McCain has to remember the way around the nine houses that he and his wife own.
6. Jesus Christ turned water into wine so that a wedding would be a way better party. John McCain left his first wife, while she was receiving treatment after a bad car accident, and their three kids in order to marry his younger, richer mistress.
7. Jesus Christ brought a couple of people back from the dead. John McCain made sure that Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney were not the Republican nominees.
8. Jesus Christ constantly reminded people that he was the son of God. John McCain keeps reminding people that he spent time getting tortured at the Hanoi Hilton.
9. Jesus Christ got angry at the temple and overturned the tables of the moneychangers there. John McCain got angry when his wife mentioned that his hair was thinning and called her a "cunt."
10. Jesus Christ was betrayed by one of his followers, arrested, and whipped bloody before being crucified. John McCain was stabbed in the back by fellow Republicans in 2000, when Karl Rove spread rumors about him in South Carolina, thus causing McCain to lose the nomination.
So, obviously, Everhart was dead on about McCain. He's so much like Jesus, he'd better be careful around long spikes and crisscrossed two-by-fours. And if that fucker dies, beware, 'cause three days later, he's gonna be free from the tomb and lookin' for asses to kick.