The Family Research Council's Back To School Kit (No, Really):
Hey, kids, you wanna show you're the coolest Christian with a capital "CHRIST" at your school? Then kick it Perkins-style by ordering the Family Research Council's Back To School Resource Kit for you and your parents. Now your square old parents can get the down-low on what's really up at the satanic centers of secularism they send you to (unless you're home-schooled, yo).

You can show your Moms and Dads wassup with "The Internet Guide For Parents" pamphlet, which disabuses them of the idea that pornography started and ended with Betty Grable's ass: "Most people think of Internet pornography as naked, airbrushed women or 'pin-up girls.' This view is hopelessly naive." You bet it is. According to the FRC, "In addition to graphic sex between two adults, every imaginable sexual deviation is displayed, involving violence, animals, excrement, and group sex, to name a few." Yeah, and that's not even getting into watching dudes get fucked in the ass by dildoes and other tubular objects, but that's not telling you anything you didn't know, eh, playas? Oops, though. The FRC recommends that your parents install spyware on your computer to find out what you're masturbating to, boys: "Online activities can also be monitored by a host of downloadable programs which track sites viewed." It's just like Jesus would do, if his kids were actually stupider than him about computer security.

Oh, and girls, if you're nervous about getting that HPV vaccine that'll prevent you from getting most forms of cervical cancer, the Back To School Resource Kit has a pamphlet for you: "Gardasil: What Every Parent Should Know about the HPV Vaccine." It's actually vaguely informative and shows how to turn disease prevention lemons into abstinent lemonade by encouraging your parents to use the shot as a way to talk about you not fucking.

The most awesomest part of the whole kit, though, is the pamphlet "Homosexuality in Your Child's School." It's a concise, thorough look at all the ways you might be forced to go down on your best friend in a locker room while all the gay teachers applaud your open-mindedness. It's crazy out there in the queer-loving world of public education: "Pro-homosexual activists... promote policies that forbid 'discrimination' against students or teachers on the basis of 'sexual orientation.'" Why all the quotation marks? It's because the gays aren't born that way: race, sex, and other stuff is "inborn, involuntary, immutable, and innocuous" (feel free to make your own "inborn" joke here), but not the homosexuality.

So if high school boy Jimmy has chosen to blow cock, there should be no problem with calling him a "faggot," 'cause he's choosing to be such. Using the FRC's "logic," one can assume that the FRC would have no problem with, say, a junior Rude Pundit calling the fundamentalist Christian kids, "Backward ass fucks with Jesus shoved so far up their asses they can feel a crown of thorns tickling their uvulas." 'Cause, you know, being Christian is a choice, no?

Most of the pamphlet is filled with horror stories of homosexuals being allowed to teach in schools or form clubs or of anti-pro-homosexuals being mistreated for their desire to discriminate against the rampant sodomy that'll infest the schools should gays and lesbians be treated equally.

Really, there's rarely as much fun reading FRC shit as when you come across lines like this: "Perhaps the most notorious one-day event was GLSEN’s annual conference in Massachusetts in 2000—now commonly known as the 'Fistgate' conference." The GLSEN is the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network. A report on the event, which will make you wet or get wood, describes a seminar where teenagers asked frank questions about sex, including, well, fisting, and the masturbation-inducing "Do lesbians rub their clits together?" (to which the Rude Pundit can only respond, "Aaah, prom night"). Frankly, we're all better human beings because some people actually call an event "Fistgate."

By the way, the author of the pamphlet is by Peter Sprigg, whose bio states that, prior to becoming a big deal at the FRC, he "had previously served as a pastor, a professional actor, and a congressional aide." And all of his books are about how evil homosexuals are? Uh-huh.

Yep, kids, the FRC's got you ready for the big scary world of the first day of school. Hell, the kit even includes How to Raise an American by Myrna Blyth, "an outstanding book on teaching such old-fashioned virtues as patriotism, decorum, and a work ethic," as well as five Ten Commandments book covers you can use to wrap your evolution-spouting science books. That'll teach those homosexuals who want you to be educated to live in the real world a thing or two.