Random Observations on Last Night's GOP Hate Fucking of America

1. At the outset of the Republican debate on CNN last night, moderator Wolf "Rejoice in My White Stubble of Journalistic Integrity" Blitzer informed the candidates, "You all have different approaches to keeping the country safe. And that will be the focus of tonight's debate." Yet for a debate on "the security of this nation," the threats discussed were few and, frankly, exceedingly rare. Chances are pretty damn good that you're never going to be attacked by a radical Muslim extremist terrorist supervillain flying Godzilla or whatever the fuck we're supposed to be afraid of.

In fact, most of the things that are actual threats to the vast majority of Americans were either ignored or barely mentioned last night. Here's a short list of Things That Are Way More Likely to Kill You Than Muslim Terrorists or Hispanic Immigrants. These are the real threats to national security:

a. Christian white men with guns. Hell, you could probably just say, "All the fucking guns," and leave it at that. Not once did domestic terrorism from white people get mentioned, and that's probably because we still have a bizarre inability to label shit like Sandy Hook or the Planned Parenthood shooting "terrorism." And gun deaths in general are the security threat that Republicans dare not speak of.

b. Climate change is going to murder the fuck out of millions of people, barring drastic action. And it is going to propel the citizens of poor nations to ever-increasing acts of desperation, which will lead to more terrorism, which we'll probably deal with by bombing the famine-fucked or drowning nations.

c. Infrastructure collapsing around us. The Department of Transportation estimates that 14,000 people are killed annually due to shitty roads and bridges. By the Rude Pundit's mystical mathematical abilities, that adds up to...carry the three...a fuckload more people dying from the failure to invest in infrastructure than from every terrorist attack on the U.S. in the last, hell, let's say 100 years.

To his credit (yes, to his fucking credit), Donald Trump actually said, referring to trillions of dollars wasted on the Iraq war, "I wish it were spent right here in the United States, on our schools, hospitals, roads, airports, and everything else that are all falling apart." And Carly Fiorina immediately hiked up her skirt and took a piss all over the sentiment: "That is exactly what President Obama said. I'm amazed to hear that from a Republican presidential candidate." Yeah, fuck our aging electrical grid and water systems. There are Muslims overseas who need to taste American missile justice.

d. And, to his credit (yes, to his fucking credit), John "Shakey Buckeye" Kasich said, "The first thing we better get going is strengthening our economy, because if we don't have a strong economy, we can't pay for all of this," which was one of the only times anyone acknowledged that economic insecurity is an actual threat. Not a one of the others even indicated that all the shit they wanna do would cost barrels of cash that you're not gonna get from tax cuts.

So, really, you could say that the entire debate was theatre. It was like a bunch of high schoolers telling each other their favorite creepypastas while sharing some cheap wine they stole from their moms. Ooh, who's gonna scare us worse? Even though, at the end of the night, Slender Man is fuckin' fake and drunk driving is real, but guess which one they're afraid of?

2. The creepiest moment last night wasn't Chris Christie's giant, scarred melon head staring directly at the camera. No, it was Ben Carson comparing killing children in war to operating on children with tumors. Asked by lipless, dead-eyed ghoul Hugh Hewitt if he could order air strikes that "would kill innocent children by not the scores, but the hundreds and the thousands," Carson said, as terrifyingly calmly as if he were ordering a sandwich at Subway, "Well, interestingly enough, you should see the eyes of some of those children when I say to them we're going to have to open your head up and take out this tumor. They're not happy about it, believe me. And they don't like me very much at that point. But later on, they love me."

This led to applause from the barbaric crowd. Carson continued, "You know, later on, you know, they really realize what's going on. And by the same token, you have to be able to look at the big picture and understand that it's actually merciful if you go ahead and finish the job, rather than death by 1,000 pricks." In other words, Carson will dispassionately bomb the fuck out of any country with no care about the civilian casualties.

That's almost as scary as Ted Cruz's whole "Fuck everyone, I'm nukin' shit" approach to war. And, between them, they're like 10,000 pricks combined.

3. Poor Jeb Bush stands there looking like a fading porn star who keeps getting cast in flicks even though he can't get a hard-on anymore. Oh, sure, they use Cialis or fluffers to try to suck him into an erection, but, in the end, he can only manage to slap his dick around a pussy for a little while before he's too exhausted to continue. Everyone wonders why the fuck he's still doing this, but he has nowhere else to go.

4. There's a level at which these candidates have gone beyond parody. Christie tried to make Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton into some kind of America-wrecking Decepticon, saying at the beginning, "America has been betrayed. We've been betrayed by the leadership that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have provided to this country over the last number of years," and never really making another point besides that for the rest of the debate. Someone ought to remind him that Obama was elected twice by a pretty decent margin.

In particular, Christie was a fucking joke, preening and prancing for the voters. In his opening remarks, he said, "The second largest school district in America in Los Angeles closed based on a threat. Think about the effect that, that's going to have on those children when they go back to school tomorrow wondering filled with anxiety to whether they're really going to be safe. Think about the mothers who will take those children tomorrow morning to the bus stop wondering whether their children will arrive back on that bus safe and sound. Think about the fathers of Los Angeles, who tomorrow will head off to work and wonder about the safety of their wives and their children."

First of all, you can bet the people of New Jersey thought, "Could you spend a little fucking time thinking about us?" And, of course, there's the fact that the whole thing was a hoax and that New York City got the same fucking threat and decided it was pretty clearly bullshit, so it wasn't actually a "threat." It was, more accurately, a "prank." And the kids? Dude, those kids weren't traumatized by anyone but the desperate politicians fanning a spark of anxiety into a full-fledged fear freakout inferno.

And then there was Christie's pledge that he'd shoot down Russian planes that crossed into any no-fly zone he established over Syria as president. Rand Paul, once again playing the role of bullshit-detector, pretty much destroyed Christie with a single line, "Well, I think if you're in favor of World War III, you have your candidate."

5. In the end, the debate was not just a pathetic contest to see who could make more Americans shit themselves in terror, but it was a night of craven chest-thumping, trying to prove who would be the superhero to stand firm and prevent the hordes of terrorists and immigrants and Hottentots from overrunning the country.

They repeated the same shit over and over. Trump was the most over the top with the tautology of his rhetoric, saying he wants to make America great again so he can make America great again or something. Who knows what the fuck that crazy motherfucker would really do other than lie to us about how shit's out of control? He looked like he wanted to face fuck Jeb, which was awesome.

Fiorina tried to show she's the cruelest motherfucker of the bunch. Rubio tried to make up for his slightly less-savage view of immigration (which Paul called "amnesty," even though it isn't close) by saying he'd fuckin' kill everyone, he's a madman, you can't stop him. Kasich was present.

Man, ISIS members must have been laughing their asses off.

6. The most telling thing of the night is how none of the candidates, beyond Lindsey Graham at the junior debate, would say that something is genuinely beyond the pale. Oh, sure, they'll dis Trump for his bugfuckery on Muslim immigration. But not one of them would say that anything is too much. None of them would dare say, "You know what? If Donald Trump is the nominee, fuck it. I'll stay home on election day." They don't have to say they'd vote for Hillary or Bernie. But have the fucking balls to say that some things are so appalling that you can't condone them.

For all the bluster last night, courage was sorely lacking.

7. Somewhere, there might be a country of cowards and murderers that the GOP candidates can lead. Unfortunately, they're stuck with the United States, which is nothing like that other country. And last night, the Republicans could only smirk as they hate-fucked the nation to show them who's boss.