Bristol Palin's Vagina Considered:
Let us pause for a moment to think about Bristol Palin's 17 year-old vagina. Don't worry, fellas and gals. The age of consent in Alaska is 16, so not only can you think away, but you don't have to worry that 18 year-old Levi Johnston raped her statutorily. Already the governor's daughter, Bristol Palin and her vagina were thrust into a national spotlight thanks to the pure beauty queen/newscaster stupidity of her mother, Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and the McCain campaign, which seems to act more like an agitated old man with Alzheimer's than the actual agitated old man the campaign is for. So as we think about Bristol Palin's vagina and the obvious activity it has experienced, remember that we did not ask for her vagina to be shoved in our faces.
First off, how much of a fucking idiot do you have to be to even allow yourself to be a national nominee if your high school senior daughter is pregnant? Sarah Palin, whose frightening 1980s head shot looks like every white girl the Rude Pundit ever fucked in college, believed that her personal ambitions were more important than Bristol's vagina when Bristol's vagina should have come first.
When it was announced that the teenager had decided "on her own" that she would keep the baby, evangelicals masturbated at the idea of Bristol Palin's vagina, which was possibly roughed-up by Levi's stumbling fingers before he fucked her for a couple of seconds, depositing his sperm-rich semen into Bristol. The Family Research Council released a statement praising Bristol for "choosing life in the midst of a difficult situation."
What the fuck's all this shit about "decisions" and "choice"? The point of the pro-life movement is that there ought to be no choice available. High school hockey player with douchebag whiskers knocks your daughter up? She's having that fucking baby. Because if there was ever a moment where there was a choice, that makes her goddamned pro-choice.
So, really, was there ever a discussion, at any point? Did Bristol Palin ever get to say, "Papa Don't Preach"-style, "I'm keepin' my baby?" 'Cause, see, that seems at odds with the goals of Feminists for Life, of which Sarah is a proud member.
Bristol Palin's vagina, which may or may not be topped by a tuft of pubic hair shaved in various shapes, is important to our national discourse for obvious reasons. Her vagina, however tight or loose it may be, reveals how degraded conservative moral beliefs actually are, as if we needed any more evidence that abstinence education is a complete failure, even from one's parents, that teenagers wanna fuck and are gonna fuck no matter how much you threaten disease, babies, or the stink-eye of Jesus.
But, at the end of the day, the fact that we are discussing Bristol Palin's vagina means that the John McCain campaign is effectively over. Not because of the fact of the vagina, but because of the fact that John McCain probably gave more consideration and background checking to the servants at his and Cindy's houses. He has fucked the goat. Even if, as some are suggesting, he's gonna try to take a mulligan on the decision and re-boot to Lieberman, well, if one gets that 3 a.m. call for a crisis, one had better make the right decision by 3:01.
Note: An earlier version of this mistakenly ascribed the lyrics to "Papa Don't Preach" to "Like a Virgin." The Rude Pundit regrets the confusion over Madonna's oeuvre. Thanks to obviously gay male reader JC for pointing this out.