Shut the Fuck Up, Donald Trump, You Stumblefuck Buffoon

Let us say, and why not, that you're in another country that's not the United States and you're checking in on our presidential election. Let us say, and, indeed, why not, that you see who the leading candidates are. You see Hillary Clinton, a safe, pragmatic centrist who, yes, is beholden to corporations and is hawkish, which you may or may not agree with, and Bernie Sanders, a safe, pragmatic leftist who is not beholden to corporations and is not-as-hawkish, which you may or may not agree with. Hey, fine, whatever. You're a foreigner, probably in Europe, maybe Japan, and, at the end of the day, neither one of those is gonna fuck things up too badly for you.

And then you look at the opposition party and you see Donald motherfucking Trump is in the lead. Well in the lead. Has been in the lead and stayed in the lead almost since he announced he was running for president. You begin to wonder, "Wait a minute. You mean there is the barest chance that the country with the biggest goddamn military and a shit-ton of weapons of mass destruction might be put into the semen-stained hands of a deranged egomaniac who can barely say one of his incomprehensible sentences without mentioning how wonderful he thinks he is?" 

You look further and you realize that, even when Trump loses, it will still be true that a not-insignificant percentage of the people of the country upon whose economy the world depends and that has a nuclear arsenal capable of turning the earth into a glass globe will have seriously supported this disgusting capitalist whore who thinks a foreign policy consists of knowing how to talk to people when he's trying to bribe them to get a fucking temple to his name built.

You might think, if you didn't already during the Bush era, that the United States has gone mad. Like scary mad. Like really might blow shit up mad. Jesus, the good president in there now has declared the right to use drones to take out enemies without trial in an unending war. He just keeps it to the shitty countries. What is dumbfuck Trump gonna think he can do? Goddamn, you might think as you feel that fear of totalitarianism creep up from your anus to your throat, making you want to scream warnings that could be heard across oceans.

Every time Donald Trump opens his infected maw of a mouth, he spews out a stinking bile stream of gratuitous provocation, unfettered dickishness, and rank bigotry, covered in a saliva of stupidity. Just today, on some goddamn Fox show or other (does it really matter anymore?), Trump said that he'd consider shutting down mosques: "It depends on if the mosque is, you know, loaded for bear,  I don't know. You're going to have to certainly look at it." This was not followed up with a question about whether or not Catholic churches that covered up for child-raping priests should be shuttered. But maybe they're not bear-loaded.

Yesterday, on an extended phone interview with CNN, for Trump almost always appears by phone because that way he can have well-oiled Asian boys suckling at his testicles during the call, the candidate could barely string together a cogent thought. Here he is talking about whether or not President Obama is going to take away people's guns: "Now I've heard from numerous sources, and I've heard from the media. And I've seen in the media, I've seen in the papers, that -- and I think if you look back, a couple of -- maybe a week, you'll see it on your own network, people were saying he is thinking about doing it. I didn't say he's doing it. I said, how is he going to do that, given the Second Amendment? That's big league. But I -- He is -- Certainly, I think he is currently thinking about doing it."

The Rude Pundit has a theory of why Trump speaks this way. It's the language of someone who doesn't want to be fully committed to something and who doesn't want to be sued. So, like the bully who says, "You're a faggot" and then follows that with "I'm just joshin' ya," Trump can say the ludicrous lie and then hedge on it so no one can say that he ever said anything. Ultimately, that's what the words up there mean: nothing. "I think he is currently thinking about" it is such a pussy prevarication that one of the hosts of New Day should have said, "No. Sorry. We're hanging up. Go fuck yourself, you stumblefuck buffoon."

Or, perhaps, the follow-up question should have been "Oh, shut the fuck up already. Why won't you just shut the fuck up?" And then, when he tried to explain, Trump should have been interrupted with "You don't get it. The answer to 'Why don't you shut the fuck up?' is to shut the fuck up."

But that's not enough. Because, see, there is that 25-30% of Republican voters who support him. They will still be there, ready to engorge themselves on his bile stream.

Maybe we can all move in with that imaginary foreigner.