Random Impressions of Last Night's GOP Media Murderfest

Just a few thoughts on the Republican debate from Boulder, Colorado (the major league one, not the farm team):

1. You can pinpoint the moment that Jeb Bush swallowed his own balls. The former governor of Florida had decided to lob his obviously scripted attack at Sen. Marco Rubio, saying that Rubio's missed votes in the Senate disappointed him as a constituent. Rubio was ready with a comeback about all the past presidential candidates who had missed votes, including John McCain. You could see that Bush realized he had brought a lace doily to a razor fight when he said about McCain, weakly, as if he wanted to vomit, "Well, he wasn't my senator." Then Rubio cut off Bush's balls and you could watch Bush swallow them when he attempted to interrupt the grandstanding Rubio with "Well, I've been--." The problem, at the end of the day, is that Jeb Bush isn't the vicious motherfucker his brother was. George W. would have come back with some remark about Rubio being new on the job...just like Barack Obama. But you got the sense, as his balls were descending his throat and into his stomach, that Jeb just wanted to say, "Fuck this." And no one would have blamed him. At this point, Jeb is a hilariously pitiable figure, a vaudeville clown, a sad sack. It's time for someone to walk him into a field and tell him to look at the rabbits.

2. Whoever advised Chris Christie to look directly at the camera and "answer questions" was a fucking idiot who should be fired immediately. Each time he decided to address the TV audience, it looked like a giant pumpkin head was angry at us. It was disconcerting and just goddamn rude. Motherfucker, someone asked you a question. You could at least look like you give a shit that you're in the same room as the questioner. And "answer questions" is in quotation marks because, more often than not, Christie just decided, "Hey, Chico, Blondie, and Pinhead, fuck what you're asking. I got shit I practiced saying directly to myself in the mirror." So he'd go off about Hillary Clinton or how the country sucks beyond sucking under the Negro president who wants cops killed. And, by the way, of all the lies spit out by the candidates, Christie saying that FBI Director James Comey "has said this week that because of a lack of support from politicians like the president of the United States" cops fear for their lives was the closest to actual slander. Comey never mentioned Obama. Christie came across like a desperate buffoon, the faded high school football star who has become a sad, bloated vestige of the time when he was beautiful.

3. None of the candidates give a fuck about your facts. Rubio got pissed when John Harwood quoted a conservative group, the Tax Foundation, on the math behind the senator's tax plan. Ben Carson waved off the illogical math of his tax plan when it was presented to him. And Donald Trump? Your piddling truth matters not next to his undulating neck flap of fiction. Did he call Rubio "Mark Zuckerberg's personal senator"? Of course he did, but who the hell cares? Who remembers things that are your own campaign website? He loves Mark Zuckerberg. And bankruptcy? Your stupid laws let Trump businesses declare bankruptcy and get out of paying debts. Is it his fault that he dicked over so many people? Get outta here. And guns? Trump might be carrying one right now. He might have to kill someone on the wild streets of Boulder. And, sure, sure, it's a great idea to let his employees carry guns into, let's see, yeah. casinos. That's all just incredible. Amazing. Best there is. Somebody should be there to shit on Trump's face every day of his worthless life.

4. John Kasich looked like he had a case of coke jaw. Not only was he as jittery of someone who is jonesing for something, crank, liquor, smack, something, but he kept clenching and unclenching his jaw and grinding his teeth. It really took something away from his whole "I'm the rational one" persona he was attempting. More upsetting was Kasich's belief in the need for universities to privatize their assets: "[T]hey shouldn't be in the parking lot business. They shouldn't be in the dining business, they shouldn't be in the dorm business." A college shouldn't be in the dorm business? So you want to toss 18 year-olds to the dogs of whatever corrupt bunch of slumlords bid on dorm rights. Well, Kasich isn't exactly known for giving two shits about education unless there's a profit incentive for the people providing it.

5. Creepy Ted Cruz, who looks like every peeping Tom, said the creepiest thing of the night: "If you want someone to grab a beer with, I may not be that guy. But if you want someone to drive you home, I will get the job done and I will get you home." He might have continued, "I might take a detour to my backwoods sodomy pit with you, but your corpse will be dropped off at your home."

6. Presumptive debate victor Marco Rubio actually tried to plead poverty after getting a million dollar book advance. If he had a million dollars in student loans that needed paying off, he must have borrowed the money from the Cuban mafia.

7. Carly Fiorina's most disgraceful moment in a generally disgraceful evening when she said of Hillary Clinton, "Every single policy she espouses, and every single policy of President Obama has been demonstrably bad for women." What would that be? The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act? Keeping funding for Planned Parenthood? Appointing two women to the Supreme Court? Working for women's rights around the world? The one number she offered, that 92% of job losses in Obama's first term were women, was utterly, embarassingly wrong, so she'll probably repeat it endlessly.

8. The Rude Pundit's been told that Rand Paul was there, but there is scant evidence.

9. Mike Huckabee must have jacked off in glee when he realized he could make a blimp reference. He's so in the moment.

10. And, yeah, the moderators sucked early in the debate. Harwood's "Is this a comic book version of a presidential campaign?" to Donald Trump really was a bullshit blogger question. But at other times, they asked direct questions about shit like tax policies, with citations of studies that absolutely have a place in a debate. But someone needs to punch Jim Cramer and Rick Santelli in the nuts before their hysterical ranting is allowed on air. (By the way, fuck you, CNBC, for not freely streaming the event online.)

11. And, yeah, the candidates were total twat crumbs about the media. If the trio of moderators had been the ones at the Democratic debate, then, sure, you can accuse them of having gone easy on the Democrats. But most of the time, they were bitching because they hated being challenged. Whining about media unfairness is great for applause from the slavering hordes of cretins in the audience. Maybe that's all that matters to this slate of losers and human hemorrhoids. But Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sander or, hell, even Martin O'Malley would beat them stupider.