Over the course of more than four punishing hours, 7000 parishioners at Plano, Texas, megachurch Prestonwood Baptist (motto: "Plano's as hot as Golgotha, but we've got air conditioning and a rec room"), six of the 95 or so Republicans running for president walked up to the pulpit to proclaim, "I will suck every Christ cock you put in front of me."
Carly Fiorina (campaign slogan: "My failure as a CEO in no way reflects on my leadership abilities") demonstrated her fellatio method by grabbing that Christ cock and just jacking it off into her mouth. "Each one of us can have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ," she said, working the veiny Christ cock and pumping it like she was using it to blow up a tire. “God knows what’s going on in our lives and that personal relationship saw me through many hard times." Fiorina also let the Jesus jizz spray all over her face as she proclaimed her deranged and false attacks on Planned Parenthood made her the Christianest Christian who ever sucked Christ cock. And she put the whole thing in the Big Guy's hands: "Pray that I finish the journey that God intends me to finish."
Then, Texas Senator Ted Cruz (campaign slogan: "I'll shit in a hat and giggle when you put it on, Mitch McConnell") showed that creepy, crazy fucknuts know their way around a Christ cock. Using lots of tongue to get that cock good and hard and lubed up, Cruz proclaimed, "“I believe that 2016 is going to be a religious-liberty election. As these threats grow darker and darker and darker, they are waking people up here in Texas and all across this country.” The crowd ate it up as enthusiastically as Cruz gobbled Jesus balls and said that faith is "under assault," raucous cheering making him whip out his own dick and jack off while he brought that Christ cock to explosive orgasm.
Of course, it being a Christ cock, it was more than ready for the Catholic in the house, Rick Santorum (campaign slogan: "Please don't make me spend time with my family"). Santorum used his teeth to get the Christ cock twitching in pleasure and pain, bringing up his belief that only he can fuck up Muslim's shit when he confronts foreign threats. "ISIS knows who I am. Iran knows who I am. And when I’m sworn in in January, they will know exactly what they have to deal with," Santorum said, spitting on the Christ cock as the crowd gave him a standing ovation.
Mike Huckabee (campaign slogan: "Man, there's a lot of fried chicken on the campaign trail") took the Christ cock like a sausage and deep-throated it, his gag reflex so suppressed at this point that he didn't flinch. Flaunting his Jesus taint-licking abilities like a boss, Huckabee made sure everyone knew who stood by lunatic extremist lawbreaker Kim Davis first when she declared ain't no-way, no-how her name was a-goin' on the queer marriage licenses: "If you put a public official in jail for believing the Biblical view of marriage, you have criminalized Christianity. You know who's next? You are." Man, if there had been three or four Christ cocks, Huckabee would have shoved them all in his mouth at the same time.
After a delay, parishioners were treated to the somnambulant tones of the voice of Ben Carson (campaign slogan: "You want a quiet psycho for president") as he took a gentle approach to the Christ cock, using it to probe inside his mouth, almost as if the Christ cock was an instrument, something he might find useful. Oh, don't worry. He definitely worked it and, even if it was slowly, he went down on it like some kind of dick leech, letting the worshippers know that he's getting coded messages to run for president from God: "Lord, this is not on my bucket list, but if you want this to happen, you will have to open the doors, and if you open the doors, I will walk through them. And if you don’t, I’ll gladly sit down. He has opened the doors and continues to open the doors." It might be that Carson keeps walking through automatic doors and doesn't know the difference, but that doesn't stop him from bobbing on that Christ knob, eyes rolling back as he guzzles it down.
Jeb Bush (campaign slogan: "Why the hell not?") approached the Christ cock in his dry, lipless way, but even he was able to show how his prick prowess was different than the others. See, unlike all the so-called life-lovers, Jeb has actually put his ass on the line to keep a brain-dead woman alive for his amusement. Yeah, he got "a lot of grief" for the Terri Schiavo debacle, but "I am proud of what I did...You should always err on the side of life," even when actual living isn't involved. Ultimately, Bush was the greatest of the Christ cocksuckers because he was able to get it up for himself one last time. "I’ve learned to pray. I’ve learned to get down on my knees," he said, Christ cock so deep in his face that the balls were slapping his weak chin, "to pray about things before I make big decisions, and in public life today, it is so important to pray and to think about things clearly because the world has been torn asunder."
Perhaps the best way to sum up the event comes from Ben Carson. "It's time for us to bring God back to our country," he said. Yeah, you're just makin' shit up. The Rude Pundit can say, "Oh, wait, God's back," and how can you prove otherwise? But, then again, he doesn't take the Christ chowder.
