Dick Cheney Emerges to Tell You He Regrets Nothing:
In these foul pre-winter days, it's really the last thing we needed. The odor of the despoiled American air has taken on the stench of decayed human flesh, like bits of a zoologist's arm in the unflossed teeth of a lion. That sweet, nauseating smell is accompanied by a noxious, tear-inducing gas, the kind of thing that should make us all run in terror, except that we know what's causing it. Yes, indeed, the gastropodic, nearly amorphous globularity that occasionally forces itself into a frightening figure we haltingly refer to as "man," known as "Dick Cheney," has heaved its mass up to the surface of the earth, pustules popping, leaving behind a trail of a cement-melting slime. Ah, Christ, the people of the nation think, is it feeding time again? Will he never be satisfied? Have we not sacrificed enough virgin children for him to engorge? The very existence of Dick Cheney has turned more people into atheists than all the storms and wars in history, for if something that degraded and hideous is allowed to not only live, but thrive, then there can be nothing we might call "God" in the universe.

Cheney dragged himself from his bed of worms and shit in order to take part in "exit interviews" with members of the media. In his first public appearances in a month, Cheney deigned to allow questions to be asked of him by ABC News's Jonathan Karl and, in what is always a poisonous confluence of smart evil and stupid evil, Rush Limbaugh.

Limbaugh, of course, gave Cheney his lubed and anxious anus to repeatedly ream. The radio host loves it when he's bent over and being fucked because his sweaty belly fat slaps into his floppy manboobs. And Cheney was happy to oblige. Limbaugh made it his task for all of us ungrateful motherfuckers to understand just how wonderful and splenderific Cheney's decisions have been over the last eight years. For instance, on Gitmo, the bejowled one asked, "[I]s that an example of things that you've put in place to help defend the country, and they're going to be appreciative of once they get there and see it?"

Cheney, like a good demon or sociopath, assured Limbaugh that Obama is corruptible, that no matter what his intentions, once given executive power, Obama will wield it like the Bush administration: "Well, my guess is, once they get here and they're faced with the same problems we deal with every day, that they will appreciate some of the things we've put in place. We did not exceed our constitutional authority, as some have suggested, but we -- the President believes, I believe very deeply, in a strong executive, and I think that's essential in this day and age. And I think the Obama administration is not likely to cede that authority back to the Congress." The only good thing about that possibility is the idea of seeing the exploding heads of Republicans, who gave away their oversight power like Parisian prostitutes sell their perfumed pussies.

The Limbaugh interview was about as useful as one might imagine, with the porcine pontificator saying things like "Over the years when I've spoken to you, you have purposely avoided any partisanship, because I know that this has been a policy of the administration," which is a little like saying that it wasn't Hitler's fault that things got nasty in World War II - it was those fuckin' Jews.

But in both interviews, Cheney defended Gitmo, telling Limbaugh, "If you bring them here to the U.S. and put them in our local court system, then they are entitled to all kinds of rights that we extend only to American citizens." As the Rude Pundit's said on numerous occasions, can anyone explain why it's so bad that an alleged criminal is "entitled" to more rights? So what if he's captured in Kandahar instead of Louisville? Are our courts freeing terrorists on a regular basis? In both interviews, Cheney insists on the guilt of those at Gitmo, which he's been doing since it was 700 detainees, 500 detainees, 400...

In the ABC interview, the Vice President (for another month) said he agreed that it was "appropriate" to waterboard Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and that, as for when Gitmo should be shut down, "I think that that would come with the end of the war on terror." Karl asks when that might be, and, in one of those answers that makes you remember why exactly you hate this bonesmoking bastard, Cheney says, "Well, nobody knows. Nobody can specify that."

There's more, about the economy, about 9/11, about how criticism doesn't bother him, about how he has no regrets, not even about the intelligence that led to war, which even the President acknowledged. For, see, in order for Cheney to have regret or feeling, he'd have to be more evolved. Instead, he is closer to the primordial ooze, a kind of ur-evil, where immorality, seething hate, and roiling anger exist to liberate him from any feelings of culpability or error. Yes, he will disappear, like a devouring vine goes away in the cold, but what remains will need to be scrubbed off the streets of the nation.