Mark Foley and Fellow Republicans Have Tiny Dicks:
It's always beautiful when something metaphorical becomes actual, when one looks out of the window and sees a winged pig flapping against the sunset, when one walks outdoors and watches an obese woman singing, when one discovers the Pope shitting in the woods. For, indeed, the entire modus operandi of the Republicans leading this nation can be boiled down to a simple idea: weak men with tiny dicks have to show they're really as big and strong as the guys with the big dicks (this equation, of course, leaves Dick "You Heard My Name" Cheney out, 'cause that fucker's just a cock on legs). You look at anything the Republicans have done and it's all insecure little dick syndrome: the Iraq war? The detainee treatment bill? The bankruptcy "reform" act? You name it, it's got the words "I'm So Ashamed of My Tiny Little Dick" written in fine print on it. Such fealty to one's own insecurities will eventually bring you down.

And now former Representative Mark Foley, a Florida Republican (because, you know, it had to be Florida), has made literal what was metaphorical. In his online chats with teenaged former congressional pages, Foley is obsessed with dick size. Talking to one teenager about the kid's cock, Foley tells him to "get a ruler and measure it for me." The kid responds that he's already done that for him and it's seven and a half inches long. To which Foley says, "ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...beautiful." In another exchange, he tells a teen, "don't forget to measure." God, how Foley wanted that big teenaged cock in his mouth, in his hand, in his ass. God, how he must have held his own withered, small member in his fingers and wept at its absence from the orifices of the young. Probably better to sublimate it all by supporting a war and torture.

Here's the bottom line on the Foley snowball, a runaway fucker that's heading down a clear mountain path: they knew. Republicans in the leadership and you can sure as shit bet many, many more (Karl Rove, anyone?). They fucking knew. They knew that, while he may not have actually gobbled that unsullied seven-and-a-half-inch cock, that he wanted to, desperately. They knew that he was creeping out the pages, that he was a joke, that predatory old queen who the pages laughed at behind their dorm doors, sharing stories about how much Foley put his hands on them when they talked or invited them to different places. They knew in 2001, and they let him try to innoculate himself by putting him on the forefront of writing and passing legislation making it a federal crime to do the very things he was doing, giving him the shiny imprimatur of Mr. "America's Most Wanted" himself, John Walsh, allowing him to appear on television condemning others even as he condemned himself. They let him remain as chair of the House caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, as if the fox would only eat the grown chickens while guarding the just-hatched in the henhouse.

And, just as importantly, the Republicans showed complete and utter disdain for the people of Foley's district because it was a safe seat in the Congress and because he was a motherfucking cash cow for fellow Republicans, who would suck some of that filthy lucre from Foley's teats. So for two elections they allowed the people of the 16th district in Florida to vote him back to office, 172,858 of 'em in 2002 and 215,563 of 'em in 2004. Yet despite the heat being turned up months ago, they were gonna let them vote for him again, thinking that saying to Foley, "Hey, you know all the shit you write to the boy pages? Cut it out" was enough.

So fuck Mark Foley. Just another tiny-dicked fucker who abused his power and position in obeisance to a sublimated libido that Republican politics would not allow to run rampant and free, another pathetic conservative who denied his true self and destroyed himself for it. This ain't about Foley's online jackin' it to chats with teenaged boys writing about how they fuck their own beds. It's about the people still in power and what they'll do to maintain power.

God, if they would allow tens of thousands of people in Florida to vote for someone they knew was getting his rocks off in a definitely unethical and probably illegal way, what wouldn't they do? If they knew that Mark Foley cut open illegal Ecuadoran immigrants and fucked their still pumping aortas, they'd probably say, "Well, it's not like he's fucking the hearts of voters."