Christ Weary of Values Voters:
Oh, now you know that the Christian right is going nutzoid. The Family Research Council (motto: "Feel the Warm Thrust of Christ's Mercy") sent out an e-mail saying that "Pundits from across the political spectrum are saying that values voters - people who base their electoral and ballot decisions on issues like traditional marriage, the sanctity of human life, and religious liberty - are few, or even a downright myth." Shit, FRC President Tony Perkins must be thinking at this point, they're onto us. Hell, he probably even looks up from James Dobson's crotch to tell the head of Focus on the Family the same thing.

So Perkins wants us to make a vow, a pledge, a petition, if you will, that they can e-mail to Ken Mehlman and Howard Dean. It reads: "As a values voter, I believe that there are no more important issues than those linked to values - the moral and social norms that keep our families strong and our nation united. Of all the issues with which government deals, none is as important today as affirming the sanctity of human life, protecting the institution of man-woman marriage, and safeguarding our heritage of religious liberty. A nation that does these things will be blessed with both security and economic well-being, as the history of our land has shown. I am proud to be counted as a values voter and to let you, the media and public officials know that these are the issues on which I stand." You can let the chairs of the major political parties know that you don't give a holy goddamn about the war in Iraq, the decaying civil rights of Americans, or the economy, as long as queers can't get married. Then, oh, yes, most certainly, all will be right with the world.

For his part, Dobson's gone bugfuck insane on the need to get out the values vote. It ain't just about the loss of the Congress. It's about state amendments barring gay unions. Says Dobson, a man whose combover defies several laws of physics, "If one of those states is lost — or two or three — it has serious implications for the future of the family. It means adoption laws will change. It means textbooks will all have to be rewritten to include man and man and woman and woman marriage." Heavens, you may say, not the textbooks. Anything but the textbooks. But Dobson's a little annoyed at all the haters out there: "I have never, ever seen such hatred in my life. I am being bludgeoned in the media. Why? Why now? Well, it's not really personal to me. But they identify me as one of the people who turned out the values voters last time – and they are determined to never, ever let it happen again." What is it about conservatives that they have to turn everything into about themselves as individuals? You can pretty much guarantee that very few people will go to the polls giving a happy monkey shit about James Dobson.

If that doesn't convince you, though, you can go to the fancy (and extremely slow-loading) website, ivotevalues.org. It's got a handy list of things that churches and pastors can and can't do to get their parishioners to answer the question, "How Would Jesus Vote?" And you can learn shocking things like the fact that the citizens in this country actually separate church and state in the voting booth: "Many believers fail to consider their biblical values when voting, often choosing candidates whose values are different than their own values, convictions, and beliefs. A recent study by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life shows that nearly two-thirds of Americans say their faith has little to do with their voting decisions."

Meanwhile, in heaven, Jesus is rolling his eyes, waving his arms, asking, "What the fuck? What about the poor, motherfuckers? The starving? Hello?"