Clinton, Kerry, and Biden Take It to Third Base:
One of the more interesting aspects of the Democratic National Convention so far has been the way in which the master narrative of the event has played out. Where previous conventions could, more or less, be charted as straight lines with occasional bumps and a jump at the end, this one appears to be following a well-constructed plot line. Indeed, if you think about it, and, indeed, the Rude Pundit has, you could say that the whole event is just like running the sexual bases.

(Note: the Rude Pundit's referring here to the well-worn baseball metaphor used for a straight couple. Two dudes pretty much move instantly from "Howdy" to "Your mouth or mine?" And two women? Well, it's less like baseball and more like a rousing game of squash.)

See, the opening night, with its warm hug from Michelle Obama, was like first base. You know, a little touchy-touch, some smooching, maybe a little tongue. Mostly innocent but with promises of more to come. The second night was second base, all about the tits. Dennis Kucinich got his hand under the bra, Brian Schweitzer unsnapped it, and then Mark Warner came along and just uncomprehendingly fumbled around with the breasts for a little while until Hillary Clinton was up and she showed everyone how you handle some boobs, pinching, licking, and nibbling those nipples until she either had to go all the way or stop. (And, by the way, if you know your way around a nipple and the nipple's owner is sensitive enough and wanting it, you can give one hell of an orgasm.)

Last night? That was third base - time to get the cock and pussy into the action. Bill Clinton gave head like an old whore in an alley behind a South Padre Island bar at spring break. Of course he was gonna give a great speech. Of course he was gonna put his all into it, sometimes even finding himself enjoying it. Of all the people there, Bill Clinton knows the way this whole thing works and his place in the world. Of course, he was gonna position his legacy as the way for Obama. Fuck, compare his hero's welcome to the dread the Republicans are gonna feel when Bush shows up to their party next week. What Bill Clinton knows is that there is always tomorrow, and he's got shit to do where he'll need an Obama administration's enthusiastic backing. So he broke out the lip balm, got on his knees, and gave a grand hummer, even mentioning torture and Katrina.

Then John Kerry turns out to be one of those dudes who looks like he'll be lame in the sack and all of a sudden shows he knows his way around a pussy, finger fucking gentle and hard. It was one of those enraging and sad moments where, like Al Gore before him, you wondered, "Where the fuck were you four years ago?" Motherfucker ripped into John McCain and George Bush. He even evoked his post-military time opposing the Vietnam war: "Years ago when we protested a war, people would weigh in against us saying, 'My country, right or wrong.' Our answer? Absolutely, my country, right or wrong. When right, keep it right. When wrong, make it right. Sometimes loving your country demands you must tell the truth to power." He rarely ever made mention of this in 2004, and it's why he only ever got to third base.

And, to drive this metaphor into the ground, Joe Biden? The reliable muffdiver, not great or graceful, but adept with lip on lip action and able to find a clit with his tongue, and really, what else do you need? Biden's speech was old time pugilistic rhetoric that wouldn't have been out of place on the stump in the 1930s. It was Irish working class bluster, repeating advice his dear aul Mutter gave him: "When I got knocked down by guys bigger than me, she sent me back out and demanded that I bloody their nose so I could walk down that street the next day." His language didn't soar, he used a lead pipe and not a razor to take down McCain, and he stumbled a number of times.

But he was out there to get people angry, and in that, he succeeded. The final act of foreplay, exactly as the DNC needed it to be. One part of politics is manipulation and, if the Democrats have played this right, you should be so hard or wet that you can't stand it. And then Barack Obama can walk in tonight and take you all the way to home.