Why Does Conservative Spooge Bucket Kevin McCullough Hate Sex Education?:
As we have seen repeatedly, social conservatives are so angry and repressed from not getting fucked by a real human until well into their third or fourth decades that they not only want to prevent others from fucking, they don't even want kids knowing what fucking is, let alone how to do it safely. Indeed, sex education for them is not about how to use the condom, but how to condemn. It's a simple equation: sex before marriage bad, and if you ask any questions or explore further, well, that's why hell is for children.

Conservative spooge bucket Kevin McCullough is one of the most proudly tight-assed of the legion of tight asses. Over at the right-wing turd farm known as Townhall.com, in his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the horrible brain screech of a man contemplating sticking his dick in a food processor to stop the evil thoughts"), McCullough attacks that favorite evangelical pinata, Planned Parenthood, by going after a website of theirs that McCullough says is filled with "the vulgar, profane, and exhibitionist creep-out factor of hardcore sexual suggestion."

In fact, here's McCullough in what can only be described as a "snit" over the site: "The website is base, profane, and far more intrusive to the innocence of your children's mind than you would ever allow ANYONE to be with them publicly. Worse yet it promotes an amoral, anti-faith, anti-values worldview that runs completely contrary to the Christianity that 70% of the nation purports to 'believe in.'" Ya gotta love that stat: sure, if asked what flavor of God they prefer to lick, most Americans'd say "Christian." But that doesn't mean they want chastity belts with crucified Jesus locks on their children.

Oh, the website itself? It's one of those "let's try to be hip" embarrassing kinds of things grown-ups do that they think will appeal to teenagers. Called TakeCareDownThere.org, it's mostly a series of video sketches about teens grappling with sex, including discussions of genitals, and...wait, let's just let McCullough describe it:

"In the most descriptive way possible without actually photographing it close up - the site depicts one teen boy giving another teen boy oral sex, another scene has one girl exposing her private parts to a room full of her friends asking each of them 'do you see anything "down there?"' There is a sketch on self stimulation, and one other with the oh so subtle title 'Threesome.'"

To emphasize here, there is no sex or nudity shown. It's all just gestures and discussion. In fact, the masturbation discussion is a pro-abstinence statement, featuring the intentionally intrusive and creepy grown-up guy (who appears in most of the videos) telling the self-loving girl's female friends to encourage her in her pursuit of the safest sex possible. (Creepy guy - or, as McCullough calls him, the"child-molesterish-looking character that some believe is based upon the porn star Ron Jeremy" - also serves to halt unprotected sex a couple of times.)

What is McCullough's problem with the site? It's that Planned Parenthood receives, quite indirectly, federal funding. McCullough ultimately doesn't want any funding going for sex education: "It is the parent's right and responsibility to decide when their own child is ready to learn what they need to about how to 'Take Care Down There.'" One might respond that those same allegedly responsible parents ought to monitor what their kids watch on the internet.

McCullough's fear of sex is so pervasive, so pronounced that one can only feel pity for his "Lovely Bride" (which he actually calls his wife). If this website is actually one of the most shocking and depraved things he's ever seen, one might imagine that poor Mrs. McCullough's thighs are bruised from Dear Hubby's failure to actually penetrate her. And both their pillows are soaked in tears.