Rape David Brooks To Save America:
Let us say, and why not, that you're David Brooks, New York Times conservative columnist and desperate apologist for the Bush administration. Let us say, and, indeed, why not, that President Bush and Vice President Cheney decided that the only way to prevent another terrorist attack was to have you raped. So Bush and Cheney went to Alberto Gonzales, who consulted John Yoo, who said, "If the Commander-in-Chief, in a time of war, having been given authorization by the Congress to do what it takes to win the war on terror, decides he needs have David Brooks raped as a tactic to win that war, then the President has the inherent power to so order the raping."

Thus, having been approved by his AG, whose initials are, conveniently for the President, "AG," Bush orders that you be raped by the NSA. Now, you, David Brooks, cannot be informed that such an order has taken place. And while members of Congress have been briefed on the matter, with a couple lodging concerns about the legality of raping David Brooks, the rape has been ordered. So, one day, without warning, some men in black grab you, drag you into a van, gag you, pull down your Armani slacks and boxers, and fuck your asshole raw while driving around New York City until, their duty being done, they dump you in front of the Times building. Let's say, and why not, that this begins to happen repeatedly, these kidnappings and rapes, that you, David Brooks, are gangbanged, force fisted, and turned into a jizz bucket.

Let's say you learn that a secret order, approved by the President and re-authorized every 45 days, claims that raping you is necessary for national security, that it has stopped terrorist attacks, although it's a secret how and why and what and where, that your constant, boggling, sore-inducing rapes have got those terrorists on the run. Indeed, once it's leaked to the press that an executive order calls for you, David Brooks, to be raped repeatedly, the President stands before the world and says not only has he signed off on the rapes, but that he will continue to do so in the future for raping David Brooks makes Americans safer. And, the President adds, he can assure the public that he is safeguarding David Brooks's civil liberties while ordering his ongoing raping.

Now, if you were you being raped, and not David Brooks, you may want to know why your unending string of rapes are necessary. You may want to know if it's possible that terrorist attacks could be averted without raping you. You may wonder if other possible approaches were pursued besides your rape. You might say that it's at the very least legally sketchy for a President to circumvent the law by secretly ordering your rape. You might question the motives of those doing the raping, especially since, despite assurances to the contrary, it turns out that your rapes have been "inadvertently" videotaped and watched by members of the NSA. You may think, "Why must my asshole suffer for the nation? Why must I be made to swallow so much spy cum? Why, oh, sweet Jesus, is there no other way than raping me?" But that'd be if you were you, and not David Brooks.

For if you were David Brooks, you'd accept your rapings as a necessary part of the war on terror. You'd simply nod, gladly being raped repeatedly, wondering when you can be raped again for the good of America, keeping your asshole lubricated so that you can be more easily raped when the President deems it necessary. You'd trust the Bush administration and the NSA to rape you safely, making sure you get no diseases or excessive anal tearing. And, if you were David Brooks, you'd use your bully pulpit, your space in the New York Times, the newspaper of record, to praise your raping and question the motives of those who think raping you is a bad idea, that you believe the President when he says that raping you is the only way to get the job done.

Which is essentially what David Brooks did today in his holy-fuck-he's-insane column, where he asks you to play President Bush and face the decisions he faced after 9/11, as well as the "effect on your psychology" of continued briefings of terrorist threats (one assumes, Brooks is asking "you" to go slightly bugfuck paranoid, which is always a good way to make policy). After a long-ass scenario of options "you" as President have, Brooks says that "you" decide to shortcut around the FISA court to spy on Americans. And, Brooks concludes, because the NSA's domestic surveillance program has been revealed, we should "Face the fact that the odds of an attack on America just went up." Man, Donald Rumsfeld couldn't have put it more crazily.

But that's David Brooks - proudly bending over for the good of the White House.

(If you don't have Times Select or access to Lexis-Nexis, don't worry: the one preview line says everything relevant in the column.)