Why Bill O'Reilly Ought To Be Sodomized With a Microphone, Part 1487:
Fuck the Christmas bullshit. No one really gives a happy monkey fuck about the whole "controversy" over the de-Christmas-ing of Christmas except crazed shut-ins who actually contribute money to keep James Dobson's combover sticky. Or Dobson himself, as well as the myriad Christian scam organizations who need to come up with new ways to sucker idiots into givin' up the bonus check so Donald Wildmon can do the work of the lord of rhetoric. Or Bill O'Reilly, who's ridin' this wave of hot air like a Joe McCarthy balloon to higher ratings and more sales of his "books." And it's forced O'Reilly to pen utter pig crap like his "'Twas the Night Before Solstice," which you should read if only to see what passes for satire on the knuckleheaded right.

No, see, O'Reilly needs the sweet sphincter probing because, on his Fox "News" program, O'Reilly viciously attacked the American Civil Liberties Union last night, saying, "[T]he ACLU leadership are traitors." O'Reilly went after the ACLU for its opposition to the Patriot Act, its taking on of NAMBLA as a client, and, well, hell, its opposition to Christmas displays, 'cause we can never escape the savage grin of the jolly fat man (Santa, not McCarthy, although, shit, that works, too). Yeah, those civil libertarians are evil fuckers, you know. But, says O'Reilly, who is never short of vain attempts to seem balanced, "[T]hat's solely my opinion. Legally, the ACLU has a right to exist, but you have a right to object to it." And, should the day ever come, guess who would be there defending your right to object to the ACLU because it believes in principles and not people? Oh, fuck, irony hurts our brains.

By the way, you can still get from the O'Reilly Christmas Store (motto: "We Will Fuck You in Your Kwanzaa Basket With a Menorah") a tin with soft mint puffs, a great idea for everyone, the site says, "on your holiday gift list." It's the only specifically holiday-connected gift in the entire "store." Perhaps if O'Reilly only sold it for Christmas, that'd just be way too limiting.

By the way, in time for this festive Chanukah season, which O'Reilly refuses to agitate for, the only broken link on his charities page is for the Candles Museum, dedicated to children of the Holocaust. It was gutted by a fire in 2003, an unsolved hate crime no doubt committed by someone for whom "ACLU" and "anti-Christmas" means "Hymie Jewberg and his strange little beanie." Someone who maybe only needed a little nudge from Timothy McVeigh-lovin' asshole to full on arsonist. The Rude Pundit's not callin' O'Reilly "a hate-filled bucket of acidy goo which dissolves any sense of goodness or decency in order to leave nothing but the stinging shit odor of his own putrefaction."

But he isn't not callin' O'Reilly that, either.