Rice To Europe: The Bush Administration Is Revolutionizing the World of Law:
In her remarks over the last couple of days about the United States's "alleged" practice of extraordinary renditions of terror suspects to friendly nations of torturers and the "alleged" secret prison facilities run by the CIA, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has said nothing of factual import. She has engaged in the typical non-denial denials that are actually affirmations, the usual kinds of contortions that make lesbian gang bang porn stars look positively relaxed while getting double-dildoed; she actually said, "I wouldn't comment because whether or not we engage in certain activities is a matter of classification because they're intelligence activities, so it wouldn't matter what the answer is; I wouldn't comment."

However, ideologically, what Rice said was the rhetorical equivalent of lifting her skirt and declaring, "Fuck you, you pissants, we're motherfuckin' revolutionaries here. Now lick my cunt hard, and I better feel it all the way to the ermine-lined toes of my Ferragamo Baraks."

For surely, what Rice declared is a stunning refutation of centuries of Western legal precedent: "The captured terrorists of the 21st century do not fit easily into traditional systems of criminal or military justice, which were designed for different needs. We have to adapt." Throughout her speech yesterday, Rice kept insisting that the United States follows its own and the laws of other countries. Yet, at the same time, she could say, "[T]his war on terrorism challenges traditional norms and precedents of previous conflicts." Get it? The United States "complies with its Constitution, its laws, and its treaty obligations" but at the same time we're trying to create new systems of laws and treaties we can bully everyone to agreeing on so that we can still say that we "comply" with laws and treaties. The Magna Carta is so quaint. Yeah, it can stand up to everything but Islamic terrorists. Good thing they haven't defeated Western civilization, you know.

Then Rice, who is small but savage, like a rabid mongoose, implicitly threatened the "democracies" of Europe if they dared to keep fucking with her on these points: "Some governments choose to cooperate with the United States in intelligence, law enforcement, or military matters. That cooperation is a two-way street. We share intelligence that has helped protect European countries from attack, helping save European lives. It is up to those governments and their citizens to decide if they wish to work with us to prevent terrorist attacks against their own country or other countries, and decide how much sensitive information they can make public. They have a sovereign right to make that choice." Or, to put it simply, "Hey, Froggy, Krauthead, and Wop, you really wanna fuck with us?"

Rice concluded those remarks with "[B]efore the next attack, we should all consider the hard choices that democratic governments must face. And we can all best meet this danger if we work together." And if, perhaps, this was two years ago, Europe would have cowered under Rice's mighty buck teeth of justice. But it ain't. Now, thanks to Rice and her White House, facing the United States is like facing off against a pissed off rhino that's been shot with half a dozen tranquilizer darts. It staggers, falls, gets up, charges at you for a moment or two, but you know if you dodge enough, it's gonna collapse soon. So many Europeans kinda don't give a fuck what Rice has to say.

In Der Spiegel (whose catalog features fine linens for a keen sale price), Charles Hawley writes that, for Europeans, even worse than the rendering of suspects to countries that torture "is that the CIA has apparently repeatedly used air bases and airports across the continent for refuelling stops or transfer points," and, along with the secret detention facilities in Poland and Romania, "the US, once again, is losing the European popularity contest." Then Hawley lists all the possible violations of international law by the United States, country by country.

Rice continues to bend the line of rational thought to the breaking point, with statements like "The United States does not condone torture," followed by a caveat of how the gathering of intelligence is "the absolute key" to "winning" the "war" on "terror." Then, in a joint meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the sexual tension reached such a fevered pitch that the two of them retired to Merkel's office to argue over who was going to be the butch and who the femme. It was a negotiation as heated as any arms treaty and ended with Merkel licking Rice's boots after the Secretary of State used Merkel's swagger stick to fuck the Chancellor to world-dominating ecstasy.

Meanwhile, over in Bucharest, the opposition party, the Social Democrats, have called for a parliamentary investigation of the possible CIA prison facility in Romania; in Milan, court documents show that the CIA intentionally misled Italian authorities about its kidnapping of a Muslim cleric from that fashionable city; in Iraq, Bulgaria and the Ukraine are withdrawing their forces, no longer willing to be part of the coalition; and back in Germany, Condi Rice apologized for the CIA's detention and torture of the wrong man, a German who had the wrong name at the wrong time.

Yes, it's gonna be fun at the legal revolution. And the thing about revolutionaries is how they force everyone to pick sides for and against the very ideas being pushed forth. It's rare that a revolution works in isolation, but welcome to the United States under George W. Bush, a fecund petri dish of new legal ideas just dying to evolve into laws.