Conversations With George: "I'm Talking To You; You're a Person":
Having a conversation with President George Bush is not unakin to trying to change the subject with a jailhouse gangleader so he won't rape you. You can say anything you like, you can offer anything you like, you can bring up any subject, you can talk about the goddamn weather, but no matter what you say, Tattoo Johnny Manchowder is gonna fuck you. You could have asked Johnny what he did to get in the joint; Johnny'll fuck you. You could have asked Johnny where he grew up; Johnny'll fuck you. You could tell Johnny you don't like getting fucked; Johnny'll fuck you. And while you're being fucked, don't even try to talk, 'cause Johnny'll just fuck you harder, fuck you so hard that you think he's tryin' to get you to blow him backwards.

So when Bush sat down to be interviewed by NBC's Brian Williams, Williams may as well have said, "You know what, Mr. President? It doesn't matter what I have to say. All that matters is how hard you fuck my ass" before dropping his pants and holding his bated breath. 'Cause, see, an "interview" or a "conversation" implies some equality between subject and questioner, some mutual respect that, if asked a question, the subject will answer that question. Not with George W. Bush, though. Williams asked Bush about his morning intelligence brief and Bush quickly veered into "Listen, there's an enemy that wants to attack us. And I vowed after September 11th that I wouldn't rest."

And so the "interview" went, with Williams asking to comment on those who say Bush only listens to a small circle of advisors, and Bush responding, "I'll tell you one thing I firmly believe in: I think I believe liberty is universal. freedom is the deep desire of every human being and that a country with influence like ours ought to do things to free people." When Williams asked Bush about Teddy Roosevelt, who the President had said he admired, Bush answered by talking about Abraham Lincoln. Eventually, he did answer some questions about Katrina, but by that point the Rude Pundit's eyes had glazed over and he wanted the sweet relief of vodka shots and an iPod with the new My Morning Jacket playing on it.

Also, in his third speech of four on how wonderful Iraq is except for all that war, Bush "surprised" everyone by taking questions from the Philadelphia World Affairs Council. Yeah, it was suprising that on the day that news cameras from NBC were following him for the whole day that he'd go "off script" and talk to real people. And, oh, what talking. When Faeze Woodville, an Iranian-American, asked Bush why his administration kept linking 9/11 and Iraq, Bush turned into a skipping jukebox of rhetoric, hitting every line in his repertoire: " 9/11 changed my look on foreign policy. I mean, it said that oceans no longer protect us, that we can't take threats for granted; that if we see a threat, we've got to deal with it. It doesn't have to be militarily, necessarily, but we got to deal with it. We can't -- can't just hope for the best anymore." It's as if all of U.S. foreign policy before Bush was one uninterrupted stint of ocean worship while crossing our fingers, hoping that we were lucky enough to have the wind keep the mean enemy sailboats from blowin' ashore.

Woodville was not impressed. "He didn't answer it. I didn't expect that he would," she said. Well, it's nice to know someone had their expectations met.