One More From the Pre-Bloggy Vault:
If you wanna know the full story on what the Rude Pundit's doing this week, check out Monday's and Tuesday's posts. Suffice to say, he's here on a journey to Red State America, headin' to the New Orleans, and, before doin' the whole "oh-look-at-that-year-that-was-savagely-taken-from-us" review thing tomorrow and Friday, the Rude Pundit's tossin' out some well-aged material from his early 1990s radio program, The Rich Flemball Show, a parody of everyone's favorite bloated bloviator.

Commercials read by Rich Flemball were a big part of the show, with Rich constantly hawking his "books" for his slavering fans. In one more demonstration of how little political discourse (or, indeed, rudeness) has changed in the last decade, here's one ad from 1993 that encompassed most of the Rich Flemball oeuvre:

It's time for a literature update.

That's right, folks. The moment you've all been waiting for has arrived. In your stores right now. Everywhere. From the Wal-Marts in Massachusetts to the 7-11s in the rural areas of Oregon. A fine area of the country, backwoods Oregon. I remember a beautiful day with Tom Metzger and me lock and loading our AK-47's and shooting at deer. All around this country people are lining up at stores to get my new book, See, I Told You I'd Eat It. That's right. A whole new 250 pages or so of new political commentary from me.

I know you loved my first book, The Weight I Ought To Be. And I sure loved bringing you my book of photographs, Pork, featuring nude photos of famous conservatives posed with pork products. Like one of my favorites, Norman Schwartzkopf, in an army barracks, wearing only his cap and his stars, saluting twelve of his top officers who are holding plates teeming with barbecued sausage. And I also showed my tender, giving side with The Rich Flemball Gourmet: A Cookbook for the Wealthy. Like one of my favorite recipes, just perfect for the holiday season, Ross Perot's Brain Stuffing: there's not much there, but it's mostly nuts. And advice for those kitchen disasters: screw it, let's pretend Hillary made it.

Now, in stores in time for Christmas, is my latest and greatest, See, I Told You I'd Eat It. If I may be so bold, it is the single best volume of political essays on this country since William F. Buckley's Clenched Teeth Versus the Epitome. Of course the left wing dominant media culture will try to tell you it's a worthless book. That's because they're running scared. They're exposed in the book for the blatant pack of liars they are. They are afraid of the truth. And the truth is that this book is wonderful and insightful. It contains the most in-depth analysis of the failed Clinton presidency, even though I wrote the book when the administration was barely in office three months. Don't worry. I'm right. It's printed on freshly killed trees with the blood of spotted owls just to drive the environmentalist wackos crazy. It's already number one on the New York Times best seller list. People have already begun shooting their neighbors to reserve it at the library.

This is hot stuff. Take, for instance, my chapter on crime in this country. I quote the Reverend Jesse Jackson saying, "The government has a responsibility to provide people with hope, hope in their schools, hope in their communities, hope in their homes. Only through hope will the minority community be able to achieve its greatest potential." And then he went on and on to talk about personal responsibility. But, as I show in the book, the Reverend Jesse Jackson's axiom fails completely. Simply change the word "hope" with "souped up white Cadillac" and you'll see what I mean: "The government has a responsibility to provide people with souped up white Cadillacs, souped up white Cadillacs in their schools, souped up white Cadillacs in their communities, souped up white Cadillacs in their homes. Only through souped up white Cadillacs will the minority community be able to achieve its greatest potential." (Laughs) So, you see what a fraud the Reverend Jesse Jackson is. Over 200 pages of that kind of deep political thinking, enough fodder to send any liberal running for his Bill of Rights.

Hey, also, look forward to my Rich Flemball Calendar, coming soon to bookstores. A whole year of my metaphors for the issues of the day, like, "The feminists are like precious delicate flowers who try to conquer the weeds in the garden. They may call attention to themselves, but eventually the weeds will win." What else needs to be said?

The entire Rich Flemball library should be at the top of your bookcase. It's all you need to know.
And that's our literature update.

(Brief P.S.: Photos from Pork were a running gag on the show, with a new one every month, including "Jeanne Kirkpatrick straddling a globe wearing a crown made of chorizo sausage made in Nicaragua. Margaret Thatcher, wearing only high-heels, looks on approvingly" and many more.)