Latest Trump Defense: He's Just an Ignorant Boob

Twice this week, an odd defense was offered for the rank incompetence and blatant criminality of President Donald Trump, who is just an engorged slug that thinks a long tie makes him look less obese (it doesn't). Not surprisingly, that defense rested on something that would be hard to deny, that Trump is an oblivious ignoramus who doesn't even really give a shit about what's going on around him.

In his upcoming book, I'm Finished, disgraced Trump lackey and terrible former governor, Chris Christie, is brutally honest about all the people who dicked him over when he wanted to be Vice President or Attorney General. Trump did offer Christie the position of "special assistant to the president in the White House," or "ball-washer," and, to his credit, Christie declined. But of the people surrounding Trump, including his miserable cockmite of a son-in-law, Christie writes that they're a "revolving door of deeply flawed individuals — amateurs, grifters, weaklings, convicted and unconvicted felons." And on many occasions, "the president was ill served by poor advice." As for Trump himself? Christie is nearly worshipful: "The president is utterly fearless and a unique communicator, Christie writes – and his main flaw is that he speaks on impulse and surrounds himself with people he should not trust."

If all you hire are idiots, motherfuckers, and assholes, then that's because you are some combination of those. And if you don't recognize when your family members are too goddamn naive to do a job, that's on you. But Christie's defense of Trump here is something along the lines that he's just a good-hearted boob who didn't realize who he was putting in his administration. The truth is that he wants lickspittles to nuzzle up to his man-tits and suckle there. Whether they are criminals or naifs doesn't matter as long as the drink his orange milk. (Note: my brain is not a happy place.)

Speaking of criminals, Trump attorney and monster in a silent horror movie, Rudy Giuliani, went on CNN last night and really said, "I never said there was no collusion between the campaign or between people in the campaign [with Russia]. I said the president of the United States." Giuliani walked it back a bit today, saying, "There was no collusion by President Trump in any way, shape or form. Likewise, I have no knowledge of any collusion by any of the thousands of people who worked on the campaign." And, because no statement involving Trump and/or Giuliani can ever be devoid of abject dickishness, he added (really), "The only knowledge I have in this regard is the collusion of the Clinton campaign with Russia, which has so far been ignored," which would weirdly mean that Hillary Clinton had the Russians hack her campaign and party, and, well, no.

Again, the defense of Trump here is ignorance. Overbite McForehead is right that Trump cannot possibly know what every single campaign worker did. (And that would go for Clinton, too, but fuck her, right?) Surely, it might be possible that Jesse Magaface, who was paid for putting up Trump signs in Cousin Fuck, Alabama, coordinated with Russian hackers to steal emails from the DNC. But, you know, we also have Paul fuckin' Manafort, who was the campaign manager, giving info to Russia.

It's weird, you know. Of all the people Trump could have hired, a whole bunch of them seem to have connections to Russia or Russian oligarchs or Russia-supporting Ukrainians. The odds of that happening without actively seeking people with those connections are pretty fuckin' astronomical.

But let's say that Christie and Giuliani are right: that poor Donald Trump has just been bumblefucking along since 2015, blind to all the treachery and chicanery that went on in his name. If we're saying that, then we're implying that he just doesn't give a damn and has left hiring decisions to his terrible children and his skeevy little worm of a son-in-law, that he just wants to play president because he gets off on the attention. So then every crisis, every failure, every harm that has been done by the desperate fools and grifters around him has been to serve his bloated ego.

And yet even that doesn't let him off the hook. The FBI wants to take down a mob boss not because he himself has committed the worst crimes but because he has made it possible for them to be committed. The Trump campaign and the Trump administration all lead to one person, even if he pleads that he is just a credulous, manipulated dotard.

More likely, though, Trump knows exactly what's been going on and he fuckin' loves it.

(Update: This post previously had a joke title of Chris Christie's book that apparently had already been made on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. So it was changed because I'd rather have my own goddamn joke there.)