Hispanic Evangelical Leaders: We Love You, Donald; Most Hispanics: Not So Much

One of the things that President Donald Trump likes to do when he's not spinning tales of taped-up Hispanic women or knife-crazy Hispanic gang members is lie about Hispanic poll numbers. Trump keeps insisting that he's gaining support from the Hispanic community, recently citing a poll where just 154 self-identified Hispanics were part of a larger survey sample and gave Trump a 50% approval, up from his typical 28-31%. The problem is that, well, the organizations that took the poll said, "Whoa, whoa, no, you can't do that."

Of course, Trump's response to that is "Fuck you. Watch me." And then Fox "news" attaches itself like a Brown Dog Tick to Trump's ass and just starts suckin', making idiots believe that what he's saying is real.

In fact, not only is Trump not gaining in popularity with Latinos in this country, he's not doing any better, really, than any Republican in the last decade, and all his wall bullshit and border savagery has pushed him down a couple of points.

But that didn't stop Trump from having one of his circle jerks of praise last week when he invited a bunch of nutzoid evangelical pastors, all of whom happen to be Hispanic, to the White House. It was the kind of blatant racial pandering that Trump specializes in. He may as well have said, "Here are my Latinos."

After blathering on about that fake poll number and about how he's solely responsible for low unemployment among Hispanics (the rate declined 7 points under Obama and 1.5 points under Trump), Trump told everyone to drop their pants and start the hand-humping.

First up was Pastor Ramiro Pena, who loves him some fornicators since he also hangs out with disgraced-but-now-undisgraced televangelist Jim Bakker. Pena, who looks like the CEO of an oil company in a soap opera who pretends to be a nice guy but is really going to drill under an orphanage, thanked Trump "for your good-faith efforts to work with Democrats...You’ve done a very good job and been the leader we need you to be in extending a hand to them to come to the table." (This roundtable happened right after Trump agreed to reopen the government.)

Round and round the circle jerk went, with fluids ejaculated all over a grateful Trump, as they praised him for wanting more border security, as they assured him that Latinos love him for it, as they proclaimed the lie that his support is growing among Latinos, each one trying to top the other. Norma Urrabazo from some fuckin' Las Vegas megachurch described how she was listening to Trump talk about the "humanitarian crisis" at the border on the radio while driving and it got to her so deeply that she had to pull over and just start a-prayin': "I feel like I had like a truth encounter with what you were saying, and I started praying, 'Lord, let America have this truth encounter.'" By "truth," she obviously meant, "Let them believe his lies as much as those suckers who keep running up their credit cards to give their hard-earned cash to me."

My favorite was Apostle (yes, he calls himself "Apostle" because he says he saw God so he's a prophet or some such bullshit) Guillermo Maldonado, which, to be fair, is a hella cool name. Maldonado is reaching Falwellian and Trumpian levels of scamistry, with his network of churches that, according to his bio, "has been recognized for its visible manifestations of God's supernatural power," which is not unlike saying, "I have been recognized for my ability to perform mind-blowing cunnilingus on ghosts." And the good Apostle owns that supernatural shit. He started, I shit you not, the University of the Supernatural Ministry where you can get a degree that lets you scam people with a ministry of your own. It's like Amway, except more directly soul-crushing.

Anyways, Maldonado assured Trump that "the Spanish community" doesn't want an open border and doesn't support illegal immigration. He assured Trump three or four times about that. And then he said, "America has been so gracious, opening the doors and opening the doors for every person that comes," which, at this point, is objectively a lie. But, hey, Maldonado said to Trump, "We pray for you," so it's all good.

Trump is desperately trying to shore up his evangelical base, and this was part of that outreach, along with his bizarro tweet Monday, "Numerous states introducing Bible Literacy classes, giving students the option of studying the Bible. Starting to make a turn back? Great!" ("Turn back"? Ask that motherfucker to rattle off the Ten Commandments. See how literate he is.)

As he faces losing the support of the most crazed Coulter-esque part of his support if he doesn't build a wall with the bones of immigrant children, Trump is praying that the most credulous people he can find will still buy his con.