Live Whiskey-Blogging President Obama's News Conference:
Frankly, the Rude Pundit doesn't give a happy monkeyfuck about what day this is in the President's presidency. Of course, of course, there's significance to round numbers and such shit. But, you know, it ain't like there's jackshit we can do if we don't like what's happening. Barack Obama ain't a bottle of wine that you sip and send back. But, hey, like a sickeningly in-love couple giving gifts on their one-month dating anniversary, we're gonna celebrate.

So it's out with the whiskey, Evan Williams, straight up, in a tumbler, and on with the swineflu/ArlenSpecter/passedbudget/tortureprosecutin' show. All quotes pretty much guaranteed to be inaccurate.

8:01 - And away we go.

8:02 - He calls it "H1N1," not "swine flu," thus proving how he's actually Muslim. If this was Bush, he'd be telling us to shoot on sight anyone who was coughing.

8:04 - Obama states the obvious: stop being such stupid motherfuckers about money, you poor bastards.

8:05 - You know what bugs Republicans? Not that he reads a teleprompter, but that he reads the shit out of that teleprompter. Remember: the last guy couldn't even read it without seeming like a smiling special needs kid who spelled "cat" correctly.

8:08 - Sweet Jennifer Loven asks about quarantining and closing borders. Expect AP article on how Obama was too cool about the coming pandemic and how he needs to bug the fuck out, shit himself, and tell everyone we're fucked.

8:10 - Oooh, Obama thanked the 2005 Republicans on how the avian flu was dealt with and added, "Suck my bipartisanship."

8:11 - The Rude Pundit guesses that he shouldn't have coughed on those schoolkids today.

8:12 - Detroit News reporter asks about the auto industry. Wow, way to be predictable, Deb Price. Obama says how we're going to delay the inevitable this time.

8:15 - Does Chuck Todd dye his goatee? And doesn't Helen Thomas look fetching in burgundy?

8:16 - Jake Tapper brings the waterboard noise. Obama answers the question by calling waterboarding torture once again. But he evades on whether or not the Bush administration committed crimes.

8:17 - "We could have gotten this information in other ways," he says. Sean Hannity's forehead explodes.

8:18 - Yeah, Churchill didn't torture, but he sure deliberately bombed the fuck out of civilians in Germany (as did Germany with Britain).

8:20 - Obama smacks down Dick Cheney by questioning again how we might have gotten info from detainees without drowning them.

8:22 - "I am absolutely convinced that the best way I can do that [keep America secure] is to not take shortcuts that undermine who we are" and he's not seen any information that would contradict that. Dick Cheney's pacemaker pulses harder.

8:23 - Oh, sweet Chuck Todd, you lucky gnome, you, way to join the President in geeking out over foreign policy, specifically Pakistan.

8:24 - Interesting point: all of a sudden, Pakistan doesn't seem to be giving as much of a shit about India.

8:26 - Some bald dude from Reuters asks about withdrawal from Iraq. Obama is so comfortingly boring. That sounds idiotic, but after eight years of a scowling drunk glaring at us and yelling, "Eeevil" like a senile gypsy in a 1930s film, it's just nice to hear that the President is more concerned about the minutiae of policy. We're just getting used to it still.

8:28 - Chip Reid, a man who actually allows other people to call him, "Chip," asks about Specter.

8:29 - Obama gives mad props to Specter and says that the man is free at last. And, whoa, he says that he understands the Senators serve different constituencies and have different needs. It's basic shit, but, again, again, again, it's just nice to hear the President say that Congress is a co-equal branch.

8:32 - He bitch slaps the Republican idea of bipartisanship.

8:34 - Ed Henry asks about the Freedom of Choice Act (supporting abortion rights). Obama offers the same answer he's given before about his pro-choice position.

8:37 - Ed Zeleny of the New York Times asks what has surprised, troubled, enchanted, and humbled Obama. The Rude Pundit's betting on the following: that the ghost of Abraham Lincoln is real, that it's not as friendly to black people as one would hope, that it glows like a full moon, and that it's got a gigantic cock. Let's see what he says...

8:39 - No. Goddamnit. Refill.

8:41 - Tequila makes the Rude Pundit an angry drunk. It's like a bar fight in a shot glass. Good, deep whiskey works a different nerve. It's more of a massage than a slap.

8:43 - Immigration reform question (from an Hispanic reporter - no, really). Another repeat of his same position on this, mentioning members of the Hispanic Congressional Caucus, and how he likes to pat John McCain on his wee little head on this issue.

8:46 - Still, his mention of raids on work places is encouraging in a very profound way, demonstrating a real sympathy for the workers and a willingness to place the blame with exploitative employers.

8:49 - Asked about the African American community and unemployment, Obama is willing to say that racial inequality causes economic disparity and, thus, the rece/depression is hitting them harder.

8:50 - Michael Scherer of Time asks about secrecy. Obama gives a good dodge by saying that he wants to change shit, but that his administration had to respond quickly to ongoing cases. It's as if the concept of "continuance" doesn't exist.

8:52 - Jonathan Weisman of the Wall Street Journal asks about the government's ownership of car companies and Wall Street firms (no, really). Obama says he wants to keep the economy running and use the ownership leverage to push the fucktards who got us into this mess to fix it.

8:57 - Gives a list of the shit that he's gotta deal with as a way of saying, "Jesus, are you fuckin' kidding me," and he's out.

And it's over. Once again, he was the President, man, the guy who knows his shit, keeps his cool, and will not be fucked with. There was some bob and weave, sure, on accusing the previous administration of crimes on torture, but there's very little the man's gonna give away until he's ready. The Rude Pundit's said it before and he'll say it again: Obama plays rope-a-dope. That's his game. Sit back and watch who's the dopes next time.