How Some Presidential Candidates Fuck Bhutto's Corpse:
The Rude Pundit's not gonna attempt to be any kind of pseudo-expert on Pakistani politics and history. The comments he has about the assassination of Benazir Bhutto can be reduced to three: 1. If Pervez Musharraf didn't know about it ahead of time, then he's the worst kind of dictator, the kind who doesn't actually control his country. 2. If he did know about it, even if he simply let it happen, then he's the regular kind of dictator. 3. Either way, Pakistan's screwed, with nukes in the middle of the screwing and the Bush administration somewhere between active incompetence and blithe enabling in this situation, which means, as ever, we're screwed.

What the Rude Pundit doesn't feel like a pretender doing is commenting on the nearly instantaneous necrophilia committed by the various candidates for President to the corpse of Benazir Bhutto. Yep, Bhutto's corpse had barely stopped bleeding when most of the campaigns decided to twist her around so they could take turns fucking her before she turned cold. And, of course, they were cheered on by the media, like the audience at the Theatre des Vampires paying to see nude maidens sucked dry.

Because no one fucks a corpse like someone who looks like the walking dead, Rudy Giuliani made sure that he placed his balls on Bhutto's chin as he fucked her face: "Her death is a reminder that terrorism anywhere — whether in New York, London, Tel-Aviv or Rawalpindi — is an enemy of freedom," he said in a statement. "We must redouble our efforts to win the Terrorists’ War on Us." Giuliani, who also just released his most cynical ad so far (his "God Bless 9/11" TV spot), Bhutto's murder is just another in a continuum of endless violences by vaguely defined "terrorists," as if they're one homogeneous group with a single goal.

And, of course, to Mitt Romney, that's all they are. In a response so idiotic, so droolingly retarded that in olden times he'd've been locked up in a cellar or put into the middle of a forest to die, Romney held forth to John "Hey, Why'd You Leave Me in This Forest?" Gibson on Fox "news" about how Bhutto's death is no different than anything else: "I think what's happened in Pakistan has made more clear in the mind of the American public and perhaps some of our Democratic colleagues as well that what we're dealing with in the global war on terror, this war against violent Jihadism, is not just an effort in Iraq or even extended to Afghanistan, but this is a worldwide effort on the part of violent Jihadists who have as the their intent the collapse of all nations, Islamic as well as Western." He was answering a question on what the U.S. should do if al-Qaeda (another nebulous term) is involved.

He dissertated, "The attacks are not just on Americans and American leaders or even Western leaders, it does include leaders within the world of Islam. There have been death threats and death attacks against General Musharraf. There have been attacks and threats of attack against Madam Bhutto before, so we're facing a world which sees a dramatic growth in violent Jihad, and we're going to have to gather together the civilized nations of the world to help strengthen the ability of moderate, modern Islamic people and leaders for them to reject the extreme, because ultimately, only Muslims are going to be able to reject violent radical Jihadism." If that makes a goddamn bit of sense to you, then you are probably Mormon. Which means Romney fucked Bhutto's corpse missionary style.

Of course, Romney put the conversation up on his website. Romney began his response to dead Bhutto with a journey into stupidity. Asked what he'd do now if he was president, he said he'd gather his advisers and call Musharraf. That's real fuckin' leadership there.

Mike Huckabee, being from Arkansas, fucked the corpse from behind, releasing a statement that said, "The terrible violence surrounding Pakistan’s upcoming election stands in stark contrast to the peaceful transition of power that we embrace in our country through our Constitution. On this sad day, we are reminded that while our democracy has flaws, it stands as a shining beacon of hope for nations and people around the world who seek peace and opportunity through self-government." Man, Huckabee must have been kickass at funerals back in his preacher days: "Yeah, sad that the fucker's dead, but, hey, ain't it awesome that we're alive? Now, let's dance, bitches."

Compare this with, say, Hillary Clinton's official statement, which focuses on Bhutto and the other victims of the bombing. And, standing above them all, John Edwards, who not only spoke to Musharraf seemingly before President Bush, but released a strong and compassionate statement.

(Caveats: This ignores the fucktarded nonsense spouted by Evan Bayh for Hillary or by Obama's adviser. And, well, fuck, it bears mentioning that John McCain was the only Republican to release a decent statement.)