Live Vodka-Blogging the President's Press Conference:
Once more, President Bush has announced a last second press conference. So, once again, the Rude Pundit has gone into the freezer to get out another trusty bottle of Chopin vodka, the finest vodka for times like these, when the Siberian winds are blowing up skirts here in the chilled Northeast. All quotes pretty much guaranteed not to be word accurate. But the spirit is there.

10:01: There he is, jumping right in with a gentle caress of the Congress's face on some Peruvian trade legislation before the slap. Here it comes: "Our troops are waiting on Congress to fund 'em," which conjures the image of soldiers sitting on a log somewhere with tin cups, wondering if they'll ever get another MRE.

10:04: For some bizarro reason, he keeps referring to an omnibus budget bill as a "monster bill," as if this has not been done with surprising regularity by Presidents like, um, Reagan. And then, in an image every child needs, he invokes the big guy: "Santa [will have] slipped down their chimney before Congress finishes its work."

10:05: First question and it's right into the National Intelligence Estimate on how Iran ain't buildin' nukes. Bush says, "We know that they're still trying to learn how to enrich uranium, we know that enriching uranium is an important step in a country whose desire is to..." Holy Christ, we're down to Iran gaining knowledge as a way of defining their evil evilness? He views the report as a warning signal that they could "restart" the program. Man, he's got no enthusiasm for this Iran discussion. It's like he thrust his hard-on in Laura's face and she just slapped that Vienna sausage out of her way.

10:07: Wants to compliment intelligence community for its good work on Iran. Hey, take that, Norman Podhoretz, plaintively mewling into the uncaring wilderness about how can we trust the intelligence now since they were wrong about Iraq.

10:09: David Gregory is going for Bush's nutsack: Are you hyping the Iranian threat? "I was made aware of the NIE last week." Apparently, National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell didn't tell Bush what the new information was, just that there was new information. What the fuck? Is he the goddamn President or the low girl on the text message circle about whether or not the new hot boy at school is gay?

10:11: Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge to make a weapon, he reiterates. What the fuck does that even mean? No, really, what the fuck?

10:12: George W. Bush giving advice on how the world can remain peaceful is not unlike a lion with gum disease telling an antelope to slow the fuck down so they can just talk.

10:14: Bush says that nobody told him to back down on the rhetoric on Iran. "My opinion hasn't changed," he says, in the wake of the NIE. Sometimes the Rude Pundit wonders what it must be like for a Bush supporter to watch this and believe anything this tiny little man says.

10:15: Wait, what? The long pole in the tent? Is he talking about his pants? Anyways...seriously, how can you watch this shit and not think, "Damn, we are so intensely fucked for the next year, at least." 'Cause, at this point, if you're a Bush fan, you gotta hope that Iran is super-secret gonna try to get some kind of knowledge that'll lead it to build nukes so we can bomb the fuck out of another country. And thus you are insane, too.

10:19: He's asked, "What goes through your mind when you hear about a Saudi woman getting gang-raped?" You just know he's wondering how he can get some of that hot sand nigger action...oh, wait, no, he's wondering how he'd feel if it was his daughter. And he's wondering how he can get some of that hot Barbara action.

10:22: If you're keeping your vodka in the freezer, a handy tip is to make sure that the cap is tight on the bottle. Otherwise, any odors in there will get into the taste. You could also keep your freezer clean.

10:24: Bush is talking about the old days of mortgages like everyone had the power to go to the bank to re-negotiate rates. Which was awesome if you were white and middle class in 1962.

10:25: He's being challenged on the whole "knowledge" thing, how knowledge to build weapons is not part of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty. The Rude Pundit's betting that reporter is not getting an answer. Aaaannnnd...no. Not gonna address the treaty. He's just gonna simian-sign, "Iran bad," and toss shit at the cameras like he's President Koko.

10:28: Disturbing things you never want to hear your President say: "Here's why it's hard."

10:30: This press conference's straw man: the vaguely defined person who thinks that the NIE means everyone needs to believe that Iran is just hunky-dory and we should stop paying attention to them. So it's either brinkmanship or blinders. Nothing in between.

10:33: Oh, shit, here's paranoid prez coming out: sometimes people say what he said is not what he said. So he won't tell what he said to Putin because he doesn't like it when people say what he said, which might not be what he said. Oh, and Iran's still bad.

10:36: Disturbing things you never want to hear your President say, part 2: On the campaign plane, "My friend Candy Crowley passed a virus around."

10:38: Bush says, "The most disappointing thing about Washington has been the name-calling...I've tried to be respectful to all parties." Which is not unlike a jailhouse rapist saying the most disappointing thing is when his punks don't clean his cell well enough.

10:40: He's talking about relations with Congress one minute and then he goes all batshit about funding the troops. It's like for a second he got reflective and moderate, and then caught himself.
10:41: Bush is asked if he's facing a credibility gap with the American people. He dismisses it outright, says he is feeling "spirited." And then talks about how dangerous Iran is.

10:43: Aw, fuck, this vodka is disappearing fast and now this goddamn President is yelling at the Rude Pundit about Iran. He's fuckin' pissed that the reporter said something about his body language. He's a man of peace, don't you see? And "Psychology 101 ain't workin'." And he's out.

Whoa, methinks he just stormed off. Angry that the reporters would dare think he's not been working to make sure their families are not nuked by non-existent Iranian weapons. Don't we get it? He's right. Everyone else in the world and in half of his administration and Congress is wrong. And if we can't see his innate rightness, then we can all go fuck ourselves.

Now, someone tell the Rude Pundit why anyone anywhere should trust this man?