Bill O'Reilly Fights the War on Christmas Titties:
Now, by Fox "News" host and self-described "big boob" lover (which means he must adore Sean Hannity) Bill O'Reilly's calculation, the Rude Pundit is just a dirty fuckin' SP (no, not "Sucker of Penises," but "Secular Progressive"). But if, say, the Rude Pundit had an hour every weeknight in which to offer commentary and do interviews on the news of the day, he doesn't think that he'd pay quite as much on-air attention to the travails of your everyday stripper. Not out of any dislike of strippers. It's a question of proportion, you know. Not Bill O'Reilly, though. If someone done a g-string wearing lap dancer wrong, O'Reilly's there to defend her dignity in the face of a world that just doesn't get it.

So last night, on his Fox "News" show (if by "show," you mean, "48 minutes of nut-grabbing, baby-eating, and spooge target practice"), after implying that Vermont and Boulder, Colorado don't give a shit about murdered children because they "are run by far-left secular progressives," O'Reilly hosted a discussion with two strippers from Scores in New York City (which Scores he did not say, for there is more than one, dear readers). In case you didn't know what he was talking about, O'Reilly laid it out for you: "[T]hey call them gentlemen's clubs. They're all over the country. Basically places where guys watch women undress on stage." There's about thirty jokes to make about that line, but why bother, huh?

Kelly Branton, in a cleavage-revealing ensemble, perhaps the better to breastfeed the baby Jesus, and the single-named Morgan, dressed more demurely, complained to O'Reilly that no charities are taking the money and gifts that the strippers have raised for Christmas. Except for the Marines Toys for Tots. Probed O'Reilly of Morgan, "Were you -- were your feelings hurt when they turned the money down? Were your feelings hurt?" And, in fact, Morgan's feelings were hurt.

As were Kelly Branton's. She explained, "[S]pecifically because the charities that were supposedly affiliated with the empowerment of women, and I feel that we as women doing what we do, a lot of us have children and a lot of us are single parents...And when we want to give back to the community, for a charity to say, 'We're not going to accept your donations because we think that it's degrading to women,' offends me because of the fact that I do this empowers me as a woman." In the video of this moment, about two minutes in, you can see O'Reilly trying very hard not to look at Branton's self-empowered tits. His eyes shift up and down faster than a rent boy's head in the alley behind the Manhole. But O'Reilly felt up Branton's pain: "I can tell you, just talking to you, you get a little emotional about this."

O'Reilly moved on to his "Most Ridiculous" item of the day before heading back to his office to break out the Jergen's to jack off thinking about getting a faceful of the young thonged ass of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Morgan and Branton presumably headed back to Scores to make men ejaculate in their pants. And thus Christmas was one step closer to being saved by the good works of Bill O'Reilly.