Britney Spears's Pussy Saves the World:
Man, the Rude Pundit can't get enough of Britney Spears's pussy, plastered all over the Internet like a sideways grin. Or like a closed eye with a c-section scar brow. Yessir, everywhere you wanted to look last week, there was Britney Spears's pussy. You could turn on your MSNBC to check the latest way in which Gitmo-resident-in-training Keith Olbermann was pimp-slapping the Bush administration, and there, Tuesday, was a discussion, albeit a humorous one, of Britney Spears's pussy (if you are so inclined, insert a Paris Hilton joke here). Over on the Fox "News" program Heartland, host John Kasich plastic coated the studio and had Bill O'Reilly on to talk about Britney's pussy, even showing photos of said pussy and its owner with the offending slit blocked out (if you are so inclined, insert a Paris Hilton joke here). It wasn't just the ubiquity of Britney Spears's pussy last week; it was the way in which Britney Spears's pussy was transformed from just another shaved crotch to some kind of anthropological/cultural marker. There are places in Iraq that weren't probed for WMDs pre-war as deeply as Britney Spears's pussy was last week.

It isn't that Britney Spears's pussy's public appearances aren't in and of themselves interesting. The Rude Pundit supports genital revelation of all sorts. But it's just that, other than being attached to Britney Spears, being the stage curtain for the debut of two kids, and acting as the golden door to the slick caves of presumptive paradise, what exactly has Britney Spears's pussy accomplished? Yes, indeed, it's time to make Britney Spears's pussy earn its place in our networks of news, beyond the Page Sixes and Michael Musto columns (he's so bitchy, you know).

Yeah, Britney Spears's pussy needs to go down to New Orleans, and it can join in the searches that go on to this day for bodies in the Lower Ninth Ward. And if Britney Spears's pussy finds a body, it can pose next to it, like a trophy, and then we can all have an idea of how great Britney Spears's pussy is.

With that notch in its pouch, Britney Spears's pussy can head to Iraq to rally the troops. We know that Britney's a big supporter of President Bush, so with his popularity so small and her pussy's so big, Britney Spears's pussy can not only entertain the troops, but it can meet with the Mahdi Army, who will no doubt be as mesmerized as Americans by Britney Spears's pussy, willing to toss aside their weapons and higher concerns so that they can pay attention to Britney Spears's pussy.

Just imagine all the good Britney Spears's pussy could do, heading off to chain itself to a caribou to halt drilling in Alaska, or replacing John Bolton's newly-resigned cock as ambassador to the UN, or going to Congress to testify for...what? Well, would it really matter, because it's Britney Spears's pussy and it could probably stop the genocide in the Sudan if it would only apply itself.

Then, once Britney Spears's pussy has accomplished some or all of these goals, we can all give a rat's ass, a happy monkey fuck, a good goddamn about where Britney Spears's pussy is at any given time.