Why Bill O'Reilly Ought To Be Sodomized With a Stripper Pole:
About once a month or so, Bill O'Reilly's gotta get show some cock and/or poontang on his Fox "News" show, and he'll come up with any excuse to weave in some gently edited video of hotties while he conducts an interview on some subject related to the booty shaking. They are always in his pro-anal-sex titled "Back of the Book" segment.

Like last month, O'Reilly interviewed the frighteningly botoxed advice writer April Masini to discuss the pressing issue of whether or not certain girls have, in fact, gone too wild. Those girls would be brides-to-be, and the segment was "Are Bachelorette Parties Wilder Than Ever?" The whole thing was bizarre, as O'Reilly blithered and dithered, showing clips of women enjoying the pleasure of male strippers, as well as the always incredibly homoerotic image of Chippendale's dancers, saying he didn't really understand the topic as Masini chided women for being promiscuous. Said O'Reilly, "I am out of it. I mean, I don't know anything about this at all," which, of course, leads one to ask, "Why the fuck did you do a segment on it on your show?" Or perhaps it's just deep, deep denial that he wants to rub some falafel on a Chippendale dude's big pita.

But O'Reilly sure as shit knew about what was what in his segment last night titled "Is a Crime Wave Dancing Through Strip Clubs?" Talking with former strip club bouncer and author Brent Jordan, who looks amazingly like Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction, O'Reilly demonstrated all kinds of first-hand "understanding" about the ins and outs of stripper life. Unprompted, seemingly remembering a time when he was in the private room of a crappy titty bar in Duluth and, after dropping a hundy on the expensive champagne there, Mandy, the big-boobed Swedish girl who bobbed her thonged ass on his crank, stopped just short of his blowing a load through his jeans, so he went nuts and started slapping her unconscious before fucking her prone, slack body, tossing another hundy on her, and walking out into the icy Minnesota night, leaving his assistant to promise Mandy that her kid would have a college fund, one of dozens of kids O'Reilly is now putting through school, O'Reilly said, "So assaults against — people come into the club, and then they rough up the girls? They get drunk and they rough them up?"

Despite trying to insist that a stripper's life is sleazy and the club patrons are bad, the interview was interwoven with clips of really hot strippers in pretty clean lookin' places. And you know O'Reilly got wood so fast his crew rolled their eyes at having to edit out the thumping sounds under the desk when Jordan told O'Reilly, "[E]very stripper wants to shake your hand and give you a hug, you personally, because of the work you've done with Jessica's Law. OK, every single one of them," in reference to O'Reilly's bullying and degradation in support of passing a law in every state for harsher penalties for sex crimes against children.

Back in his office, the Factor taping done for the day, O'Reilly took out the loofa glove and coconut oil and faced his large, framed photo of Jessica Lunsford and thanked her before unzipping his pants, putting on the glove and inhaling deeply the tropical scent of the oil. He'll have to get his assistant to make a bunch of wallet-sized pics of him next to the photo, he thought as he took out his chafed member, closing his eyes and leaning back, beginning to stroke himself once again, so he can sign the pics to put in the thongs of the strippers instead of dollar bills.