How Can It Be a War On Christmas Without Bumper Stickers?:
It's upon us, the yearly celebration of the time that putative Christian savior Jesus Christ dropped from the uterus of his mother, Mary, passing through Mary's holy vagina, stretching open Mary's divine labia minora and hallowed labia majora, in order to enter the world, followed, no doubt, by his blessed placenta. Hope the goats and donkeys sharing that manger had their sores and hoof fungus healed by eating the afterbirth of the Lord. And, now, with the unholy rabble apparently, according to those who can manipulate two or three incidents into a national movement, attempting to take away the meaning of Christ coming out of Mary's vagina, one has to announce that it's not just some random "holiday." No, motherfuckers, it's Christmas, and conservatives wanna make sure you know it.

So over at WorldNetDaily (motto: "Loving the scent of our own taints for nearly a decade"), you can stock up on your "Suck it, liberals - Christmas rocks" merchandise. Things like magnetic bumper stickers that read: "Merry Christmas (with "Christ" highlighted): An American Tradition" or "This is America and I'm going to say it: Merry Christmas" (come to think of it, "Suck it, liberals - Christmas rocks" is way more fun). You can get a three-pack for the special sale price of $14.95, a two-dollar savings on the regular price.

Don't own a car or too stupid to drive? Then you can get all Lance Armstrong-y and wear a rubber bracelet that says, "Operation Just Say "Merry Christmas." According to the website, you'll be going all "In your face, Secular-Progressives" with this fancy trinket: "We have reached an all time low point in our nation's history when human sensibilities are elevated above offending Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is long past the time for Christians to stand firm in our faith." Because, as the website really says, "How would you feel if the people you loved - even gave your life for - celebrated your birthday but were afraid to mention your name?" Your answer might be, "Uhh, I'm fuckin' dead, why do I care?" or "Damn, that Jesus must be some egotistical prick to give his life expecting something in return." But then perhaps you're not the target audience.

Or maybe you just need to read the charming comic fantasy book Help! Mom! The Ninth Circuit Nabbed the Nativity! It seems that Johnny and Luke are having problems at their schools Christmas pageant: "[W]hen Senator Weary, Al Snore, Congresswoman Clunkton and the whole 9th Circuit court show up demanding an end to the fun and festivities in the name of diversity, global warming and stinky French cheese, all is almost lost until Johnny, Luke and an unexpected hero armed with a mysterious piece of paper unite to save Christmas." The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto calls it "an adorable story." Of course, Taranto called the suicides of three Gitmo detainees an act done out of "spite," so he would know adorable when he sees it.

So much merchandising, so short a season. For, truly, will not the "Merry Christmas, Not Happy Holidays" t-shirt be shoved in a drawer next to the candy cane-striped mint-flavored condoms and the Nutcracker tie in just a couple of days? As the good copy writers at Metrospy say, "Wear this shirt and take a stand against the secularization of Christmas," but after spending $17.99 on it, you'd just feel like a fucktard in January. But, then again, if you actually own this shirt unironically, you're pretty much a fucktard all year long.

And to all, a good night.

Note: The Rude Pundit is going to try to join the Great Migration to the new Blogger this weekend. Hopefully he'll have a better experience than Atrios, who was down for 16 hours during the transition.