The Alabama Church Fires: The Joke's On Who?:
Exactly what the joke was when Benjamin Moseley and Russell Debusk, Jr. set churches on fire near Birmingham, Alabama is yet to be mentioned. But the two college students have admitted it was a "prank" that got out of hand, like dumping a bucket of pig's blood on Carrie at the prom, which, as we know, didn't go over too well, either. Still, we know at least some of the people who were the butt of the church fire joke.

Here's Chris Matthews on Feb. 3's My Balls Are Hard, speculating with ATF Special Agent James Cavanaugh on a motive, in this case, crazy mad liberals gone wild:

"MATTHEWS: Is there anything in the papers down there where the Baptist Church has taken a position on some social issue: gay marriage -- something that's hot -- where that would have aroused somebody?

"CAVANAUGH: I haven't seen that, Chris, but it's very viable, because, you know, we had an arson of a Unitarian church in rural Virginia back in the summer and it was right after the church, on a national level, had embraced some gay members. And then there was an attack on this church in Staunton, Virginia, so things like that can happen.

"MATTHEWS: That's why I'm thinking like that, because the more liberal churches would drive some people on the right crazy and maybe a more liberal person who is gay for example would feel that they've been terrorized by the beliefs of another church too. We don't know."

No, no, we didn't know, but Chris "Thin Lips Means Less Slobbery Blow Jobs" Matthews couldn't help but think it was a crazy gay liberal who couldn't stand - what? The interior design of the churches?

Of course, it might not have been specifically a gay liberal, just someone who hated hisself some Jesus, as John Giles of the Alabama Christian Coalition opined on Rita "Gargly Voice Means Ticklish Blow Jobs" Cosby's MSNBC show on Feb. 7: "[T]here's some common denominators here, as you well know. They're all Baptist churches. They're all rural and hidden areas. And of course, one of the common denominators, as Ron just brought out, is the fact that these fires have been started in the pulpit and on the communion table area. Now, somebody is certainly sending a message to Christianity in Alabama. I'm not sure we know what that message is, but somebody's certainly sending a strong message." And that strong message appears to be that setting more fires doesn't really cover your tracks on the other fires you've set.

Columnist Jeff "Hairy Face Means Ticklish Blow Jobs, Too" Jacoby got himself all into a huff and puff about the church fires, calling them an anti-Christian "hate crime." Jacoby got riled like a titmouse tryin' to squeeze into a tiny knothole, sayin' that if it had been "10 gay bookstores and bars in San Francisco" or "10 Detroit-area mosques and halal restaurants" and then usin' the fires as an excuse to attack the idea of hate crimes, without, really, coming to any point.

And the leader of the Christian Defense Coalition, Rev. Pat Mahoney, condemned the Bush administration for not making a statement about the church fires, despite having condemned the bombing of the Golden Mosque in Samarra, Iraq. Wept Mahoney, "Sadly, these attacks may now be spreading to Christian businesses and other Christian places of worship. With an entire community living in fear, it is important that Mr. Bush provide leadership and assurance that the federal government is doing all within their power to apprehend those behind these hate filled attacks." With the Christians of Alabama apparently cowering under the covers, their Bibles in their shaky hands, whispering jittery prayers as they tried to calm their violence-shattered nerves, Mahoney continued with a Jacoby-worthy analogy: "I am troubled by the lack of the public response by the White House especially when one considers how they may have responded if ten abortion clinics were burned in eight days." But we know how Mahoney would have responded to such an act: he'd've broken out the marshmallows.

Jacoby's column is right about one thing: throughout the whole investigation, the media desperately wanted this to be racially motivated. It would be an easier narrative to grasp than chaos, randomness, a pair of stupid fucks doing what stupid fucks do, which is stupid fuckery. And, failing that, how desperately some want this to turn out to be the work of queer leftists who wanna re-crucify Christ or burn 'em at the stake or some such shit. Then they could do the same to the church wreckers.