Rome Burns, Nero Fiddles (from Rude Two):
We've all heard the expression, "Nero fiddled while Rome burned." To be sure, Nero didn't actually have a fiddle. Violins weren't invented until the 16th century. Scholars say Nero was most likely reciting his poetry while accompanying himself on a lyre, but regardless, the phrase means "heedless and irresponsible behavior in the midst of a crisis."

21st Century Nero that he is, Bush stands on smoking kindling, tuning up the strings. President Bush, in an apparent attempt to change the subject from the sketchy documents regarding his military "service," re-re-re-re-reiterated his stance on WMD yesterday, moving to stop the proliferation of WMD. "Forget about Pakistan, gang, they get a pass, and sure I sort of recall serving somewhere around Alabama or Texas or some shit but it was 30 years ago and I was in a coke-addled haze -- not that it matters because I'm proud of my service so screw you and stop trying to make this a partisan thing because you know it's an election year and the fact that I was AWOL could cost me my job -- I mean just look at that liar Clinton, yeah hey look at Clinton, man he was a shitbag -- remember he got a blow-job," he might as well say.

Unlike the White House, let's be clear: Bush was no warrior. He won't admit it, and neither will his lackeys, who simply insist that the president was "proud" and "got paid." (Incidentally, if the Rude Pundit disappeared from military service and still got paid and got away with it for over 30 years and eventually became the leader of the free world, fuck yes, the Rude Pundit would be pretty fucking proud too, and would most likely fuck your sister for good measure).

While his presidency burns around him, reporters grill his press secretary about supposed official documents that are curiously and obviously incomplete (like, say, a few minutes of 30 year-old audio tape). Yet our sad little emperor plays on and on:

"The greatest threat before humanity today is the possibility of secret and sudden attack with chemical or biological or radiological or nuclear weapons," Bush said, apparently oblivious to just how many Americans want, you know, the truth about his military service before he sends more bona-fide American soldiers off to die looking for those pesky weapons no one has been able to find thus far.

"The former dictator of Iraq possessed and used weapons of mass destruction against his own people," he said, because, well, you know, shit, he's got nothing else to talk about, so why not kick it old school and keep mentioning twenty year-old history.

"Our message to proliferators must be consistent and must be clear: We will find you, and we're not going to rest until you're stopped." Bush said, sending a shudder down the spines of, well, fucking no one, because to date he and his administration have found virtually jack shit for weapons in the nearly three years since Sept. 11. (Hint: You're looking in the wrong fucking country, you monkey.) Hell, it's easy to secure a country from WMD when there are no fucking WMD. Why not secure America from dragon attacks and swarms of midgets, too? How about Smurf invasions, or Wookie attacks? And, you know, if you're gonna be against proliferation, well, stop proliferating.

Do Americans really care about finding WMD, about securing the homeland, about any of this WMD bullshit? Or do they care about something more abstract, like truth vs. lies? Or do Americans see the flames leaping at Bush's heels while he plays his tune -- the tune that we've all heard before, to the point that the melody is stuck in our heads like a fucking toilet paper jingle? (And, of course, Bush's words are not worth wiping with, as they are only single-ply and your fingers will push right through -- not very pleasurable, unless you're into manual anal stimulation, which is much like living in Bush's America.)

The Rude Pundit believes the same thing John Lennon believed: All we want is the truth. Unfortunately, seeking the truth in the White House is the equivalent of seeking WMD in Iraq: a waste of fucking time.

Rome is burning up. And maybe, just maybe, the Democrats live by the river.