God, Jessica Lynch Is Such a Stupid Bitch:
What a stupid bitch, this Jessica Lynch. She could have been America's sweetheart, invited to Disney World, leading parades, hosting Saturday Night Live, selling dental hygeine products to people in her home state of West Virginia. It was simple: here's Lynch, cute, white, blonde, with that cute hick accent, and she looks just adorable in that military uniform, like she's from Colin Powell's favorite porn film, Cracker in Khaki. And then she went to Iraq, got herself injured and captured in an ambush, and then "rescued" by American troops. Christ, what a great fucking story. Hell, when we first heard about it, it was like John Wayne or Rambo, except without the dick, with Jessica shooting until her clip ran out - you wouldn't have been surprised to hear that when she ran out of ammo, she leapt at her Iraqi attackers and started chewing their jugulars until they bled to death. We heard she might have been tortured by her captors, shot, stabbed, forced into sexual slavery. Anything to make us hate those bastard Iraqis. And then came the Pentagon-filmed rescue from the hospital, with the terrified look in those teary doe eyes of Jessica, the eerie night photography that made it all look so dangerous. Goddamn, the Rude Pundit gets hard just thinking of how great America is because Jessica went down fighting and our boys in uniform stormed the doorways of the emergency room to save that wonderful, hot American girl.

Except, as we've learned since then, it didn't quite go down like that. Nope, as we now know, all of that is pretty much bullshit, propaganda, or, as we who live on earth like to call it, lies. Turns out, Jessica not only didn't go down fighting - she didn't fire a single shot. Turns out her Iraqi captors saved her life and kept her safe. Turns out that the Iraqi doctors tried to turn her over to the military, but were fired at. Turns out there was no resistance at all and the whole rescue was stage managed to look more dangerous than it was. Turns out that Jessica's story was not extraordinary in the annals of war. Turns out that the Pentagon needed a happy tale to tell and the media was all too compliant.

But we're a cynical country. And we knew that Jessica would cash in, as in the million dollar advance on her book. However, we thought she'd play. See, we so needed Jessica to play the hero. If she had said that she was sold to a desert sheik who made her dance nude for his pleasure and broke her bones whenever she disobeyed and she escaped by stabbing the sheik while in the throes of sex and stumbled back to the hospital where she prayed to Jesus every night, we'd have believed her. Oh, sure, the book throws war fetishists a bone: conveniently, when she was unconscious, it seems American doctors believe she was raped. Oh, Goddamn, that's good. It's like every fantasy of white slavery. All Arabs want is some white poontang, right? Some godless heathens to fuck in the way they could never fuck their burqa-wrapped babes. Yeah, Donald Rumsfeld must be desperately trying to jack off in a closet at the Pentagon thinking about a lifeless, prostrate Lynch, sweet ass available for all to violate. And then break her bones.

Though this is about how Jessica is a stupid cunt. Because she decided not to play the Bush Adminstration's game. She decided to actually be the all-American girl that everyone wanted her to be, and part of that is to tell the truth. And the truth is this: Jessica doesn't like how her story has been manipulated to support the war effort. See, Jessica, while whoring herself for interviews about her book, let it be known that she is not G.I. Jane, that lies don't save lives. And that's why she's so fucking stupid. Man, if she had just shut the fuck up and let the right wing, militaristic propaganda machine transform her into uber-soldier-babe, Karl Rove, Roger Ailes, and Richard Scaife would have made sure that she had the wealth of, well, the sheiks to comfort her every time she saw her own frightened face on a magazine or book or video cover. Shit, Jessica took the wrong pill.

Of course, nothing is easy, not happy endings in this world. Her book is not burning up the charts. The jabbering conservative media will start to feed on her corpse soon. It's inevitable. In one of those wonderful coincidences that gets the conspiracy nuts into a froth, Lynch's brother has been called up for service in Iraq. Maybe a sequel? And, in the wonderfully weird world, it seems Jessica liked to show her titties off to the boys, and Larry Flynt bought the photos, but has decided not to publish them since he believes Lynch has been exploited enough. In fact, Flynt claims that he bought the pics to prevent their publication. Ain't that something? How fucked up does the world have to be where Larry Flynt ends up being the only one with self-respect.