Of Daisy Chains and Economic Conferences: A daisy chain is a beautiful thing - it's just a geometrical shape of bodies all fucking each other. A perfect daisy chain is closed: everyone is fucking and getting fucked. But most gorgeous is the true daisy chain, as known by sorority girls across the nation. See, unlike the male circle jerk, where a bunch of Abercrombie and Fitch-model lookin' jack asses stand around and masturbate, not touching each other, 'cause, you know, that'd be gay, a daisy chain has no such pretensions of purity. The real, true, wonderful daisy chain is a woven, symmetrical, alive creation, where one woman is on her back, legs open, splayed vagina ready for the moist, giving lips and tongue of another woman, on her stomach, her own ass and labia on the face of a third woman, whose splayed vagina . . . and on and around with however many women happen to be there, forming a rhombus, hexagon, or the high-degree of difficulty dodecahedron (an even number is ideal, or someone's gettin' a nose full of ass), until the first woman has a mouth on a pussy. There you have it. An ideal machine, full of awe-inspiring odors and squishy-love sounds, moans and grunts. You can throw in vibrators, toys, ben-wah balls, what have you, but ultimately the heaving fuck circle is devoted to getting pleasure while giving pleasure, everyone pleasing each other. So it is that President Bush has convened a grand conference of economists, CEOs, and small business owners for two-days of, well, conferring about how to "secure" "our" economic "future." They'll be dealing with such weighty items with open-minded titles and listings like "Tax and Regulatory Burdens," "The High Cost of Lawsuit Abuse," and "the need for spending discipline," with participants ranging from the President to his cabinet to Mike Carter, owner of Monroe Rubber and Gasket of Monroe, Louisiana. Mike'll be attending the session on lawsuit abuse, one of the two that Bush will attend, because, see, he's being sued for using asbestos in gaskets prior to 1986, and, well, shit, the big companies are bankrupt and can't be sued. He'll be joined by Hilda Bankston, who blames the Phen-Fen lawsuits for the loss of both her husband and their Fayette, Mississippi drugstore. These are tragic or potentially tragic tales of large lawsuits gone awry. (Although, the Bankstons were cleared of any liability and the government investigated whether or not the case was abusively prosecuted.) Hilda Bankston, in fact, has become a kind of poster child for tort reform for small businesses. And, surely, with Philip K. Howard, author of The Collapse of the Common Good: How America's Lawsuit Culture Undermines Our Freedom, and George Priest, a Yale economist and American Enterprise Institute member who opposed all campaign finance reform and found the Supreme Court's Bush v. Gore decision unremarkable, small business owners will hear a smorgasbord of options, from limiting punitive damages to limiting actual damages. That's the point, innit? All this pretense of "study" and the imprimatur of academic reasoning? You get a panel together with Tim Penny, a Cato Institute member who co-wrote the December 10 editorial, "This Plan To Reform Social Security Makes Sense" (Penny, a former Democratic Representative, is a real whore for the Bush chowder because he used to be a big damn supporter of balanced budgets) and James E. Glassman of JP Morgan Chase, a cheerleader for the "economic recovery" and said back in 2003 that the Bush administration is "not at all" responsible for the state of the economy when it was so clearly in the toilet. And then, since everyone involved is just going to daisy chain it up, eating each other out by agreeing with one another, you release what all these smart people say and make it seem as if there's been a real discussion. Damn, if people like Sandy Jaques of the unfindable organization "Women for a Sound Social Security Choice" support it, it must be good. All you have to do is ignore all the screaming coming from economists that there is no "problem" with Social Security. Ignore bipartisan proposals, like the 2003 tort reform move by Senator Dianne Feinstein, so moved by Hilda's tale of heart attacks and woe, where Feinstein (and Orrin Hatch, among others) put forth the idea that large class action suits ought to be moved to federal court. (Hilda was blindsided because of "forum shopping" by attorneys looking for a plaintiff-friendly state.) Just set up the conference with the implicit understanding that all the problems listed exist, and fuck dissent, as usual. Fuck the exchange of ideas. That'd fuck up the daisy chain, man, and nobody'd be gettin' off. Back in the sorority houses, there's often regret after the daisy chain is over. Sure, some of the girls are proud, devilish, secretive. But others, oh, they'll say they were drunk or high, they didn't know what they were doing. Back-peddling, back peddling. Feeling guilty for all the happy fucking. On the other end of the spectrum, the Rude Pundit heard a tale about a male who once got to stand in the middle of an octagon of daisy chaining females. He stood there proudly looking around, just masturbating away, ejaculating three, four times, shooting his spunk on the women, who just went right on fucking each other. Remember that when Bush gives his closing remarks tomorrow.