We'll Have Gay Old Time:
Goddamn, what a jubilee of jouisance must have been going on in the White House last night. What a hoedown of hate. And, in the absence of the prude-in-chief, Karl Rove must have allowed the staff to raid the locked liquor cabinets. What a fucking day yesterday was for the Republicans. Nothing this good has happened for them since September 11, 2001. Not only did they work out a deal on the prescription drug bill, but the Massachusetts Supreme Court said that the state could not deny the civil right of marriage to gay couples. Man, when that decision came down, there must have been quite the game of joyous grab-ass between Scott McLellan and Rove. Christ, they thought they were going to have to go into the election year talking about war and the economy, but not anymore. Because the Republican party is going to gamble that the only things Americans hate more than war casualties and job losses are fags.

See, you're going to hear the term "wedge issue" from the media a lot over the next few months. For one thing, this is shorthand for "We're too fucking lame to actually explain to you complex issues like the prescription drug bill, the mutual fund scandals, the move to 'democracy' in Iraq, and the like, and it's a lot easier to ook you out with images of gay people holding hands in front of priests and it's a helluva lot more fun to have people on the air spewing hate against fags, 'cause we know that fags freak you out, makin' you all giggly, uncomfortable and filled with hidden desire." Yep, the hate's started already. Check it out here. And here. And here. But what wedge issue really means is that Republicans are going to use the threat of gays marrying to turn the debate away from the things that really matter and toward issues of "morality" that have little to do with the day-to-day life of the average American. Get it? They're gonna "wedge" it up our asses whether we care or not.

Let's posit that Average American. Let's make it a man. Let's say Joe USA earns the average income, about 30-40 grand, has a wife, two kids. Tax breaks don't matter worth a good long shit to him. A break on health insurance might. Joe USA is constantly at risk at his lower middle-class wage job of being laid off, so he kowtows, works lots of extra hours, which might be cut because he's an assistant supervisor, and that can be re-categorized as management and lose overtime, according to proposed Bush administration rules. His environment sucks, his kids probably have a high risk for asthma, his wife is exhausted from working a minimum wage job to add a little extra income. What might matter to Joe? A raise in the minimum wage, national health insurance, cleaner air and water, job security in a strong economy, a strong union, and on and on. In other words, things that Democrats stand for. But Republicans know this, and they're going to appeal to Joe's much-abused "Christian" values. Sure, Joe likes to relax by getting drunk, watching porn with his buddies, fantasizing about the stripper at the club near work. "But, fuck those fags," he thinks because he's been bldugeoned with a Bible into thinking so, "they're weakening marriage which weakens America. Fuck the fact that decaying schools, lack of health care, mistreatment of immigrants, and increasing poverty is actually what undermines our 'society.' We hate fags, and we won't vote for anyone who likes the fags. That faglover can't fight the war on terror." That's what Bush and his buds are counting on.

In fact, the President issued a statement from London saying that the Massachusetts decision "violates" the "principle" that a marriage should be between a man and woman. While the Rude Pundit thinks "Violate the Principle" sounds like a good high school motto, certainly there's more important things for the President and the country to be worried about.

Meanwhile, somewhere in a closet, in a backroom of the Senate Chambers, Orrin Hatch sobbed in happiness, thinking that someday his barely repressed lust for Patrick Leahy will come to fruition, how the tension over judicial nominees was just sublimated gay desire. Oh, how Orrin jacked off in Mormon masturbatory glee, thinking, soon, oh, soon, my bald-headed nemesis across the aisle will be mine, and Hatch came as he thought about pulling his cock out of Leahy's bright white ass and shooting his load across the Vermont Democrat's hairy back. Then Hatch wiped himself on Arlen Specter's coat sleeve, zipped up his pants, thanked Jesus and Brigham Young for his still virile seed, and left the closet to go hate some more.